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The History Of Viruses - Written by DarkZelgadis

Some computer textbooks go on and on about viruses, and how they're this brand new thing. I hate to be the one to break it to these silly textbooks, but viruses have been with us since the beginning of time. Sure, they aren't the sophisticated viruses we see today, but they were viruses none the less. They caused general havoc throughout history, but history claims differently. This is because history denies the existence of viruses to propagandize everyone into thinking something else. It's a fact, every war ever started was started by a virus.

Viruses started near the beginning of time as a creation of an angry caveman. You see, there was a caveman named Ogg who had a good friend named Slorgg and a beautiful wife named Grogga. One day, Ogg went out to hunt and/or gather some food so his family would survive. As soon as Ogg arrived back in his cave, he found his good friend Slorgg in his bed. Ogg thought nothing of this, because Slorgg was allowed to sleep in his bed anytime he wanted to. However, there was someone else in Ogg's bed. It was his wife Grogga. That's right, Slorgg and Grogga were eating food together in Ogg's bed! FOOD! Naturally, Ogg was pissed off. He started yelling at the both of them, and Slorgg ran off with his tail between his legs. Ogg made Grogga sleep on the cold side of the cave, which didn't include an Internet connection or anything, as he ate the food he gathered. As he ate, he figured a way to get back at that crafty little bastard Slorgg. The next morning, Ogg started chipping away at a stone tablet. This stone tablet is said to have contained the first virus on it. Ogg gave it to Slorgg a few days later, and Slorgg exploded. This was known as the Ogg virus, which is much more sophisticated these days. If you get this virus on your computer, quickly eat various fruits and meats so it will go away. Otherwise, you will explode like poor old Slorgg did.

Viruses remained long forgotten until the Greeks decided to make a legend. Many of you know this legend, because it involves a large wooden horse or condoms or something. Yes, I'm referring to the Trojan horse legend. It was from this very legend that Trojan Horse viruses got their name. Now, of course computer textbooks will tell you that it's because these types of viruses masquerade as something else. Of course, I know better. Trojan horse viruses were given their name simply because Ophelius, an angry Greek who had the hots for Helen of Troy, decided to make a device that would get Helen to like him. He tried and he tried, until he made a giant wooden horse as a gift to Helen. He wanted to give the horse to Helen so he can watch her ride it like one of those automated bulls. Anyway, he didn't get to give it to her. His mean old brother, Gadepulus, stole it from him. Gadepulus gave Helen the horse and they married shortly after. Ophelius was beyond pissed off at this point. He toiled away at another device, this time it was a wooden orange that he painted to look real. Ophelius knew Helen loved wooden oranges that were painted to look real. Gadepulus stole this from him as well, and Helen loved Gadepulus even more. Of course, as soon as Helen tried to eat the fake wooden orange, her first megabyte of data was completely wiped out. This made Helen useless, and made Gadepulus so angry that he had to call Techsupportous. Techsupportous did not give him an answer to his problem, so Gadepulus killed himself like some tragic Greek hero. Of course, they never teach this legend in a mythology class. It's a shame too.

Viruses didn't make much strives until a grumpy Englishman started to get really angry about those savage Americans revolting against them. This grumpy Englishman is known by the name Sir Smithswardshirewarst Sconely III. He was a scholar of monocleolgy, which is now a forgotten science. Monocleolgy was the study of gentlemanly things, like tea parties and scones. There was a darker part of monocleolgy though, the creation of annoying little things. Sir Sconely started writing a strange pattern of random words on a tea leaf. He then used it to make tea. As he looked in the tea cup, he smiled a knowing smile. He just created the worst virus ever known to mankind! This delightful virus was a tea born virus that would simply make the water it was poured into turn red the night of Sconely's birthday. The grumpy Englishman sent this tea formula to the British Tea Shipping Organization (BTSO) which sent it to Boston. Well, those crazy Americans had a smashing good tea party in Boston. They were a little drunk of course, and accidentally poured some of the tea into the Atlantic Ocean. Now every July 3rd, the Atlantic Ocean turns red. Of course, the FBI has done many things to hide this effect. In fact, they use a satellite to monitor people's minds in the Boston area. If those crazy Boston people see the ocean turn red, the satellite beams down images of the Red Sox winning into their heads. If that doesn't work, they simply beam them down an apple pie. This is how America has covered up Sconely's evil tea virus.

The biggest strive in virus history, besides this wonderful computer age we live in, happened during the watch of President Nixon. It is said that Nixon created a secret Secretary of Viruses by the name of Nyong Chang. Now, Nyong Chung really hated that war we had going in Vietnam. In fact, this is why Nixon appointed him. Chang was to create a mind control device that caused stupid actors and hippies to protest. Nixon wanted this because he really, really, really liked to laugh at protesters because they made funny signs. Chung created a virus known as NotAMindControlVirus.exe. (Yes, modern PCs existed back in these days. The United States government simply covered them up because they hate the American people. Plus, they really liked to play Everquest with those crazy communists in the Soviet Union.) This deadly virus was shipped out as a documentary against Nixon to every stupid actor and hippie Chang could find. This was the most successful virus of all time, because it made Jane Fonda go to Vietnam and not be in America anymore. Nixon had quite a laugh because Jane Fonda always wore funny shoes when she protested.

This brings us to today, the wonderful virus filled cyber world we all know and love. Not many people know that viruses are currently created by Halliburton. That's right, Halliburton makes them all. If you get an e-mail from someone named "Dick Cheney" with the subject FREE GAY PORN PARIS HILTON MP3 PHOTOSHOP FLASH FUNNY CLOWN HAHA and an attachment named BillGatesIsHot.jpg, do NOT open it. In fact, delete it right away and call your local Anti-Virus Tipline at (111) 111-1111. The Anti-Virus tipline will get rid of these nasty virus creators once and for all, and they will also charge you $10.99/a minute for it. Of course, if you pay $15.99/a minute the operator will talk dirty to you about viruses.

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