America declares war on Canada

The political chatter intensified when Mort Ronderg, a resident of Toranto, found oil in his backyard. "This looks like trouble for Canada," Mort said to reporters shortly after the discovery.

Mort couldn't be any more right. As news of the hidden oil deposit of Canada was delivered to President Bush, he decided there was only one thing to do. President Bush immediately called an air strike of Canada. The basis for this air strike was, as the President puts it, "There are terrorists in Canada and we have to save the Canadian people. We as Americans must deliver democracy to Canada and free them from the dictatorship of Paul Martin." Mr. Bush then continued by saying that Paul Martin, who was just elected to be the Prime Minister, has committed crimes against humanity and he had a connection with Al-Queda.

Democrats were outraged when they found out another war was scheduled. However, the records show that presumed Democratic nominee John Kerry has voted for the war about five times. In fact, he even threw ninja stars at five Canadians after learning about the war.

Paul Martin was outraged at America's attack on Canada. In fact, he even launched a F-Bomb at the Vice President! Mr. Cheney preceded to drop a F-Bomb on Mr. Martin, and the two of them have been cursing at each other ever since this war started. (Go %&!@ Yourself, A History of the F-Bomb)

But Canada refused to be taken advantage of by the American military. Many Canadian officials have announced the burning of Toranto oil fields as the only way to stop this pointless war.

"Stupid Americans! How dare you attack Quebec! You shall pay for your Americanness. I SPIT WINE AT YOU!" a native of Quebec said randomly to one reporter. "I will pee on your grave! I will eat your sister's hair follicles when you do not look! I will invent a foul smelling cheese and hurl it at you for this atrocity! You stupid Americans! Huh-huh!" the man continued until a bomb conveniently landed on him.

The American-Canadian war was now four days old, and there were about twenty casualties, the most notable being the band The Casualties. The Casualties, some obscure American punk band, repeatedly made references to "THE PUNX" before they died. News reports say that these causalities were not Canadian but American. The Americans destroyed them because they made crappy music and dressed really funny. Alcohol and hair gel lobbyists were not happy at this news, as this band were one of their most important advertisers.

After days of waging a war of curse words with Cheney, Martin decided to send a memo to Bush. The memo told Bush to also go %^$! himself and it also made an amusing joke about his mother being fat.

Sources said that Bush was not happy about this memo, so he sent it to his father. Former President Bush, Sr. was appalled by the memo and decided to sky dive on Canada. Former President Bush is said to have died from "wounds involving hockey pucks."

All of these "evil terrorist actions", as quoted by Jerry Fawell, "have gone on far too long." Mr. Fawell was said to have used his magical powers of Evangelistic Magic to revive the corpses of former Presidents Richard "I Am Not a Crook" Nixon and Ronald "Bonzo Goes to McDonalds" Reagan.

Fawell commanded the zombie Presidents to attack the evil oil-burning Canadians. "I told him to do it you know." said God.

The Canadians lost many of their forces at the hands of the Presidential zombies. In fact, Canada soon surrendered to America and agreed to give them all of their oil.

Fawell proceeded to call back the zombies, and forces soon vanished from Canada. President Bush went off the record saying, "I made all that terrorist stuff up. Thanks for the oil Martin! MWAHAHAHAHA!

After hearing Bush thank him, Martin went on to say, "I am thankful that I could help America with its oil problem. I also would like to pull off the mask on Mr. Ashcroft because he really is....Osama Bin Laden!"

Conservative pundits: 'OMGWTF!'

Sen. Bob Dole told Sake Sake on Monday that "Viagra is good for you. You should take some right away. Come on, you know you want to!" Asked if he was coming on to me, Dole replied in the affirmative.

"You are one sexy piece of ass baby. Come here and give Bob Dole a Bob Dole sized hug," he said while he listened to the Village People's "YMCA", "There's no such thing as gay people, Bob Dole says it so it is true!"

While all of this insanity happened, Al Gore also came to me for an interview. Mr. Gore vehemently told me that he has created the Internet. When I asked him about why the Internet is filled with complete retardation, he told me "This is all somehow President Bush's fault!" I quickly left Mr. Gore alone when I discovered a strange cord protruding from his head.

The next night I received a phone call from Bob Dole and Eminem, who were strangely at the same house. Dole said "Bob Dole isn't gay, even if Bob Dole has sex with Eminem! BOB DOLE! BOB DOLE! BOB DOLE!" (Sometimes I lie.)

The end

Sake Sake's DarkZelgadis contributed to this parody. Parody laws protect him, so don't try going to sue for "slander and libel."

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