The Resident Evil Recap
On the now moving train, Milla injects Michelle with the anti virus. A combination of Paul Anderson�s writing of the �deep� almost-a-zombie-musings along with Michelle�s line reading results in hilarity! �I don�t� want to be one of those things. Walking around� without a soul.� Milla reassures her. Michelle hints for Milla to kill her when she becomes a zombie. What the fuck else will she do? Have her first lesbian experience? But Milla�s all �naaah. You won�t DIE! LOL!� Then a close-up of a stopwatch Milla hands to Michelle reminds us there�s seven minutes until they�re completely sealed in. Then Michelle seems to be unconscious. And Milla�s �You better not have made a liar out of me!� and points a gun at Michelle�s head. Michelle GRABS HER ARM and is �not yet!� Why grab her arm? Why not just speak? She HAS A GUN AT YOUR HEAD. You don�t give people with A GUN AT YOUR HEAD a fright! But Milla doesn�t mind and says (seriously) �I could kiss you, you bitch!� and Mr Mia smiles in the background and the bloody sweaty lesbian fun. That�s funny, because he smiled a whole lot less when he watched Mia get some action with the French chick in The L Word. The smiling stops when The Sucker�s claw�s tear through the train carriage, leaving deep scratches in Mr Mia�s arm. Milla has her gun at the ready, and an action sequence happens.
The Sucker goes around the outside of the carriage a bit, then tears off the driver�s door, and eats Snowy, who was driving the train but not anymore. Mr Mia closes the door from the driver�s compartment to the main part of the carriage, which is redundant, as The Sucker can tear through metal, but I guess you would. The Sucker goes around the back of the carriage and closes THAT door before The Sucker can get through, but it gets knocked right off its hinges anyway. The Sucker then tries to make special friends with Mr Mia, but Milla shoots a special slow-motion bullet into its brain, followed by a few regular speed ones. That does shit all, and The Sucker grabs Milla�s legs with its long tongue. It really has great control on that thing. Milla loses the gun and tries to hold on to the carriage floor. It doesn�t really work, but Mr Mia swings a bunch of pipes that are hanging from the ceiling into The Sucker�s head, releasing its grip on Milla�s leg and sending it flying to the back of the carriage. Milla says �So THAT�s what those pipes were for!� Okay, not really. The Sucker�s still with them, so Milla grabs a fallen pipe for defence. She holds The Sucker�s tongue down with the pipe, then grabs another and rams a hole right it. I don�t care if you are a mutant killing machine, OW. Milla�s all �OPEN THE DOORS!� meaning the ones on the floor, and Mr Mia goes for the button, but its blocked by freshly zombified (for real this time) Michelle. Michelle hisses and tries to give Mr Mia a hickey. They rassle for a bit, and then Mr Mia pushed Michelle away and shoot her in the head, sending her backwards right into the button Milla was asking Mr Mia to press. The Sucker falls through the floor, but is still attached to the carriage by its poled tongue. The friction against the tracks make it go up in flames. The train grads it along until Milla closes to doors, cutting it free of its tongue. Milla then meaningfully looks at Michelle. At the platform underneath the mansion, Milla and Mr Mia get through the doors with seconds to spare.
Inside the mansion, Milla and Mr Mia fuck. Just kidding. Milla knows she was meant for Michelle. They just collapse on the floor. Milla�s all sad because she failed, and Mr Mia�s all �There, there! You wanna soda?� and tells her she did all she could. It�s the corporation who�s guilty, not Milla. So he�s forgiven her then for possibly selling out and killing his sister because she renounced her maybe evil ways as an amnesiac. That�s sweet. He goes on to say that Milla is holding the proof to collapse the Umbrella (see what I did there?) in the briefcase. His reassurances are cut short when he starts examining his scratch wounds and then has a fit. Milla�s all �oh yeah! The big scratch!� and prepares to inject him with the antivirus. But it doesn�t happen, as the mansion is invaded by a bunch of scientist-looking guys in white hazard suits who pick up Mr Mia. Milla starts beating on them, but there are too many asses for her to kick, so she only manages a couple. Meanwhile, a hazard suit guy says �He�s mutating. I want him the Nemesis program�. Milla yells, and then everything goes flashy, and Milla�s unconscious.
We get flashes of hospital rooms and the like, while an unseen middle aged sounding guy says he wants Milla quarantined, observed and tested for infection, and taken to a to Racoon City. Resident Evil (the game) fans collectively blow their load, but also because Milla�s even more naked now then she was when she wore nothing but a shower curtain. The voice continues that he wants The Hive reopened an investigated.
Milla lies on a testing table in a really white room with a two way mirror, covered by a small sheet, with a bunch of tubes coming out of her. She screams, because ow. She pulls the needles out of herself. More screaming, because more ow. She tries to get off the table, but falls to the floor because of what Uma Thurman likes to call �entropy�. And TWAT SHOT! And Milla manages to stand up. She goes to the two way mirror and bangs on it, demanding to be let out. Pan out through the mirror to reveal a bunch of screens- some with cameras on Milla, others with brainwaves and information and whatever. We continue to pan out, as Milla�s screams go unheard. Cut to black.
Just kidding. That�s not how you end movies you want to franchise. No cut to black. An unseen figure walks right in from of the screen, zombielike.
Back in the room, Milla uses one of the needles on the cardy-swipey-thing that opens to door out of there. She cautiously leaves, and wanders through a deserted hospital. Cut to outside the hospital- Milla has found the exit, and a fetching white coat. The street outside is as deserted as the hospital, only with more deserted cars and quiet chaos. The camera pans past a newspaper headlined �The Dead Walk!�
Milla checks the police cars, and finds a shotgun. Sounds of hissing and moaning as we pan out from Milla, seeing the full extent of the chaos- blood is all over the cars, telegraph polls have fallen, and Milla cocks the gun, ready for action. The movie ends in a much cooler way than it really deserved.