The Resident Evil Recap
Milla�s in the labs (for some reason) and alone now (for some reason). The Doberman cages have big zombie-dog shaped holes in them. Wander, wander, wander, hear a noise, investigate it, up wanders a blood covered Doberman zombie. It growls and chases her. Why can zombie dogs run, but zombie humans are basically useless hungry walking corpses? So she runs into another room, closes the door, and is greeted by a human zombie. She kicks his arse and knocks him into some glass shelves, giving her some more flashback, now with 100% more Head Commando Black Guy. Flashback HCBG addresses his security operatives, telling them they are �to protect that entrance�. This clues Milla in to the fact that she just kicked a security operative�s former arse, and he has a gun. She gets it, but then the zombie dog smashes through the window and goes for Milla. Milla doesn�t shoot the dog, but locks him into the room. He can still get out the window he came in, though, but that�s the least of her troubles as a bunch of other zombie dogs now want Milla for dinner. She shoots them all and there�s a slow mo shot of a shell casing falling to the ground. She�s all �phew!� but then the original and the best zombie dog has found the window it crashed through and goes for more Milla. So, in slow mo, she jumps on a table, bounces off a wall and delivers a fly kick to the zombie dog�s head. It�s actually pretty cool.
Meanwhile, Mr Mia is in the offices. He looks on all the desks until he finds the one with a Big Eye�s (�Lisa�) ID on it. He starts going through the desk but is interrupted by a zombie banging on the glass next to him. But it gets bored and starts to wander off.
Back in the Quern chamber, Michelle has very little ammo left.
Back in the offices, Mr Mia looks through the paper on Big Eyes�s desk. Speak of the zombie, she walks up behind him. He�s insanely stupid, so he�s all �Lisa I love you kissy kissy!� and she looks sad for a second but is then all �Mr Mia I love your flesh bitey bitey!� But Milla arrives just before he�s actually bitten and knocks Big Eyes out with a paperweight. Milla sees Big Eyes�s face, and we return to the cemetery flashback. It repeats the whole thing in case we�d forgotten, and then extends it to Milla saying �There will be a price� and Big Eyes saying �Name it.� Did we need all that? That�s what Paul Anderson calls �character development�. I bet he wrote this script on a fucking Magna Doodle. Mr Mia says that it was his sister. Oooooh. Emotional. Etc. Then his speech� well, it deserves its own paragraph.
�Corporations� like Umbrella� think they�re above the law. But they�re NOT.�
Haha! Hahaha! Awww. Wow. Cutting social commentary there delivered with pathos and subtlety by Mr Mia. Then tells Milla he�s one of hundreds of thousands of people who intend to bring these corporations down. Like terrorists! But in a nice way. So he sent his sister Big Eyes to get some concrete proof that Umbrella is eeeevil and do bad things to kittens and bunnies and mutant killing machines. He goes on to tell Milla that Big Eyes was going to make it out because she had a contact on the inside he had never met. Milla�s all �uh oh�� and asks why she didn�t make it. He suggests she may have been set up by someone who stole the virus. Like maybe� flashback Milla? But wow everything�s conflicted!
More schematic! Back in the control room, Milla and Mr Mia reunite with the rest of the group, chased by zombies. The other door leading out of the room is blocked by zombies as well. And then we find out what the countdown is for- The Hive is sealed off forever when that countdown ends. So waiting for help�s not really a thing. Blahblahblah we have to get out. So Milla heads down to turn the Quern back on because she might be able to help them. Snowy has some switch thing that�ll turn the Quern off permanently if need be. No more hologram girl, but we do get her stupid voice, which pisses Michelle off. The Quern exposits why the zombies are zombies- the T virus did it- and that they want to eat. She explains that they need to be shot in the head, etc. She says she killed everyone to prevent the virus escaping. And that one bite or scratch (that�s right, scratch) is enough to infect someone, and those who are infected can�t leave because they become zombies. Sorry, Michelle. Then Milla tells the Quern that they�ll kill her if she tries anything.
So now they go underground (�more so) into some sewers. They wander through, and Michelle channels her (not so) inner angry lesbian and pushes Husband against a grate for giving her lip. Then zombies grab him! He gets pulled away, though. Without a scratch, I guess. Why did they have to include the line about the scratch being infectious? Because these people are miraculously escaping any kind of scratching. Milla says to keep going because the grate won�t hold, but then there are other zombies anyway. More mayhem and zombie killing happens, occasionally in slow motion. Milla snaps a neck with her thighs! Awesome. So to escape, everyone gets on to the pipes above the sewer, but not before Snowy gets bitten on the leg, and Michelle gets bitten about a thousand more times, including by Former Unnamed Commando #4.
Later, Michelle is dripping her blood onto some hungry zombies. Way harsh. After some pessimism from Michelle and Snowy, they gang decides to actually move along the pipes. And they do so, to techno music! Mr Mia kicks through a grate leading to safety and they head through, but the pipe starts to break before Milla and Snowy are there. Milla jumps to safety, but Snowy lands on the ground and starts to get eaten. Michelle is having trouble seeing, so isn�t shooting anyone, but Milla�s so badass that she takes the gun and shoots a zombie. Which� is enough, apparently. Snowy climbs another pipe to safety, but he�s separated from everyone else.
Snowy has one bullet in his gun left. Everyone just watches but Snowy tells them to leave. Milla seems to have this big bond with him already and she�s all sad, but he�s all �GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!� because they can�t do anything. It�s all very �intense�. No, not really. It�s hilarious when Snowy tries to act. They leave, and he starts to fellate his gun. Further along, Milla and co hear a gunshot. Cut back to Snowy- he hasn�t killed himself! Just a zombie. He�s so brave and stupid! Enjoy being EATEN ALIVE! �You�ll work for your meal!� he tells them. Dude, they will. Then he crawls into a hole. Bastard. I wish I had a hole.
...not like that.
Elsewhere the second, the Sucker crawls along a wall. Did you have to remind us of that walking pile of shite?
Back at elsewhere the first, Milla walks down a hallway, gun pointed, with Husband and Mr Mia supporting Michelle behind her. �When I get out of here,� says Michelle, �I think I�m gonna get laid�. Silly Michelle. Necrophilia�s only sexy when the dead person isn�t trying to eat you. Milla stops and the other three walk past her. The others get to the end of the hall and Milla hasn�t moved, so they�re all okay. And she�s all �fine, just having another flashback�, as the hallway goes from dirty and deserted to clean and full of (alive) workers. Milla watches through some glass into some labs to watch the blue T virus get injected into a fluffy hoppy bunny. Milla don�t dig that shit. But then a green T virus gets injected into the same bunny. Milla�s all �blue bad green good�, but shouldn�t they wait until the virus takes effect until they cure it? I just want to see a zombie rabbit. Anyway, as Milla speaks she turns around and is back in the non-flashback hallway, and Mr Mia�s right next to her. Then they fuck. �just kidding. But it would improve this scene if they did. IF they made it a funny sex scene. So Milla�s all �there�s a cure! Yay!� Then she gives Michelle some false hope.
Milla and Mr Mia enter the lab where the t-virus is kept, and Milla reveals that she knows this stuff because she was going to steal it, and she was Big Eye�s contact. So Mr Mia�s all �You betrayed her and indirectly killed people and Unimportant Female Commando is dead because of you!� but Mia�s still �I don�t remember so don�t kill me before we reveal who it really was, kthx.�
While Milla goes in search of green goodness, Michelle and Husband enter. Milla goes to the RoboHands room from the first seconds of the movie, but they�re empty, duh. Milla doesn�t �underSTAND this!� and she tells everyone that there�s no antivirus. BUT THEN!
Husband gets a flashback of his very own! We�re back at the cemetery, but Husband is out of sight and listening secretly, and with high tech technology! Annoying FlAShiNG and bluryness and WeIRd cutz & close-ups happen! And then we find out what Milla�s �price� was: Big Eyes has to bring the corporation down. Then Milla and Husband fuck! Then her writes her that note from earlier! I don�t know why that note thing is important! And Husband is RoboHands! And his name is Spence! �Husband� is better! Everything is being exclaimed because the music tells me to! Husband breaks the T-virus vial! And spills that guy�s coffee all over him! And end.
Back in normalcy, Milla�s like �Spence?� And Husband�s all �You know my name. We just had the same flashback, didn�t we? Die now plz!� Husband and Milla both go for the gun, but he gets it, so he tsks and begins to speechify. He asks Milla to join him in the joys of evil, but she�s all �oh no he di�int!!� Mr Mia jumps over a canister to face off with Husband, but Husband will have none of it, because he doesn�t want to waste bullets on Mr Mia. Not even one? God. He has restraint. Mr Mia backs off, as per Husband�s instructions. Milla confirms that Husband�s going to be evil all by himself. Then he continues to speechify. Paraphrased: �This is partially you�re fault to, Milla, and Mr Mia and his global (nice) terrorist gang won�t really achieve anything�. Then he says �Nothing� ever� changes�� like he thinks he�s in a movie trailer or something. He then reveals that the antivirus is on the train and he was he had nearly escaped and would have made it, too, if it weren�t for that pesky computer. But as he�s seeing this, Wet-Shirt-Girl-cum-Camera-Mugging-Zombie rises from the water. Husband asks once more if Milla is �in or out�. And she�s all �I don�t know if I actually WAS evil, but it�s over because that zombie is right behind you, and now she�s chomping on your neck.� Both Milla and Mr Mia waste a few bullets killing the zombie, and then Husband shows his gratitude by pointing the gun back at Milla, and then he leaves the room and rocks everyone in. Michelle tells Mia �Your boyfriend�s a real asshole. If I were your boyfriend, I�d treat you real nice.�
And then Mr Mia�s annoyed that Husband�s �going to get away with it�, but the stupid fucking Red Quern little English girl interjects with �I don�t think so. I�ve been NAUGHTY.�
Back on the train platform, Husband gets out the silver briefcase full of deadly goodness. He opens it and begins to shoot up the green stuff but then he hears a noise. So he fucking stops shooting up. Moron. He looks up, and sees The Sucker all �I�m gonna give you some lovin�, boy!�
Back in the locked lab, the Quern has turned her screens on to show everyone else the action. They watch badly rendered Sucker eat badly rendered Husband. Then The Sucker looks at the camera, and it cuts out. Why is the Sucker looking at them, and why does it cut out? Nothing touched the camera! Fuck. Whatev. The Quern explains that the MotherSucker is an early experiment of Umbrella�s, produced by injecting the t-virus directly. So it MIGHT be a rabbit? Excellent. And now it�s gonna mutate, because it fed. On the platform, we see it do so, and it�s doesn�t look nearly as lame as it could. Mr Mia�s all �Could you not have told us this earlier?� And Milla somehow reaches the conclusion that �she was saving it for us�. And The Quern confirms this by saying �I didn�t think any of you would make it this far... not without infection� Did� did that exchange make sense? I honestly can�t tell. And she didn�t tell them about the antivirus, because this far after infection, there�s no guarantee it would work. I could pick that to pieces but I guess Michelle had been infected for some time before they actually turned the Quern back on so I�ll let it go. Michelle picks up an axe, while Mr Mia tries the keypad that opens the way out. I wish I hadn�t decided to refer to these people by names beginning with �M�. When I began, I didn�t realise they�d be the last three alive.
So the Quern tells the gang that she�ll give them the access code to get out if they kill Michelle. The Quern won�t risk letting her live, because the antivirus may not work. Michelle gives Milla the axe, all �kay. Kill me�. And then The Sucker is at the window, fogging up the glass, and also threatening their lives. The Quern tells them that the glass is strong, but not THAT strong. So Michelle�s all �Kill me!� and the Quern�s all �Kill her!� and the Sucker�s all �I�ll kill you!� and Milla�s all �AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!� and then she swings the axe� at the Quern�s screen! Then the power goes to shit and the door opens. And The Sucker is gone. And the door is open. So everyone�s scared, but it�s just Snowy. It was he who killed the Quern and opened the door. And then The Sucker�s back at the window. I guess it just ducked away to take a leak or some stupid shit, I don�t know. So everyone�s all �yay Snowy!� and they flee just as The Sucker smashes through the glass.