The Resident Evil Recap
While this was going on, the main door was being worked on. And now it�s open. Huzzah! Let�s go in. A couple of commandos go in all stealthy like. THERE�S A SCARY NOISE! But it�s okay because the lights go on. Phew. My poor heart can�t take much more of this. There are windows in the Hive that look out into blue skies and fake looking buildings, in case you were wondering. Everyone enters. Unimportant Female Commando tells us the �Halon content has dissipated.� Thanks, UFC. Looking out the fake windows, Mr Mia says that it makes it easier working underground if you think there�s a view. This causes Michelle to look as suspicious, and the violins tell us we should be wary.
The lift doors are worked on- why would they be taking the lift? Death trap! But it�s okay, because the lift is out. A flare is dropped down the shaft, and they�re not gonna try to climb down. They decide to take the stairs.
Cut to the stairs. Random Commando says that the Red Queen has locked onto their positions. �Who�s the Red Queen?� asks Milla. BAD idea, Milla. HGBC explains that the Red Queen- henceforth the Red Quern (an instrument for grinding corn!)- is the Security System blahblahblah more SSCam. So� why is it a big shock that the Quern knows where they are if the system is in the mansion?
Then they arrive at the Flooded Lab of the Death of My Soul. It�s the other side of the glass from the lab from the beginning, with a bunch of water-leaking axe-holes in it. After Husband asks what the dealio is, HCBG explains that the Quern locked down the hive five hours ago and killed everyone inside, for unknown (EEEEVIL) reasons. And the team is there to shut the Quern down. HCBG says that outside interference might have been a reason for the Quern�s mighty vengeance, and then Wet Shirt�s dead body floats down. The accompanying orchestral stab scares Mr Mia. It�s all very �creepy�.
Husband offers Milla his jacket, and we get some FBCam of them fucking. She asks him if he remembers anything. Haven�t we covered this? He says no, as does she. Filthy liar. Mr Mia stares at the vent and� I don�t know. He senses something or some shit. HCBG gets things moving again. They file off, and Michelle looks at the floating corpse of Shirt Girl and says �Poor bastards�. And then�. Ugh.
After everyone leaves the shot, the camera lingers on the corpse. Slowly zoom in, and� you can see what�s coming. It�s a zombie movie. So, Shirt Girl opens her eyes, lifts her arm and smiles a tiny bit, in one quick movement. ZOMBIE SHIRT GIRL IS MUGGING THE CAMERA. Seriously, the hell? It�s like she�s aware the camera is there, and she was just waiting for all those pesky living people to leave the frame so she could have her moment to shine! That is the worst way of introducing zombies to a movie short of� fucking� having a singing dancing chorus line of them waiting around the next corner. Actually, that would be pretty funny. So it IS the worst way of introducing the zombies. I hate you, Shirt Girl Zombie. Moving on.
So we get another CG schematic of The Hive, which kindly tells us we�re entering Dining Hall B. It�s full of weird giant boxes, as dining halls often are. Snowy tells us that we should be in Dining Hall B. We knew that! But it doesn�t look like a dining hall, so confusion abounds. Mr Mia suggests that �maybe it�s something the corporation doesn�t want us to see.� Shut up, Mr Mia. HCBG tells his guys to keep Mr Mia where he is, and Unimportant Female Commander says that the Halon levels are non-existent in this room, and says there was a system malfunction. UFC�s all about Halon, but I don�t know what the hell they are, so I�m moving on. And then everyone goes searching for survivors, and they split up around the room.
Milla, all on her lonesome, looks in one of the containers, and it�s all slimy and with needles and the like. Then HCBG comes up behind her and gives her (but not us) a fright and chides her for not sticking with the group. Now chided Milla muses that she doesn�t really want to remember things if they�re going to be slimy, and HCBG doesn�t blame her.
The CG schematic takes us to the control room leading to the Red Quern chamber with everyone except Michelle, Unnamed Commando #4 and Mr Mia. The animators went to the effort to give heat-signal Milla noticeable breasts. How ironic. Milla�s through a small window in the door leading down the hallway of Let�s Hope the Audience Hasn�t Seen Cube, while UFC gets impatient with TMFSW for not opening it sooner. Some commandos get a giant silver dildo thing out of some� thing, or whatever, while HCBG stealths down the darkened LHAHSC hallway. Then it lights up, so the gig is up, and HCBG walks more like a normal person. He puts some digital stopwatch looking thing on a panel, while Snowy hacks the system�s code. �Checkmate�, says Snowy, and the door at the end of the hallway opens.
HCBG calls his guys down. Milla asks what the dildo is, and Snowy tells her it�s gonna force the Quern to reboot, but really, who cares, get to the gore. Once all the commandos not even people who like this movie care about are in there with HCBG, both doors shut, and they�re trapped. Snowy, genius that he is, figures it�s a defence mechanism. He tries to get them out of there, but an alarm goes off and there�s more guitar with distortion (to make it scarier!) and everyone�s freaking out. A commando in the Cube Hallway who hasn�t said a word until this point somehow manages to butcher his only line: �What�s that?� We see what he�s looking at- a blue �laser� heading their way down the hall at about neck height. Milla�s yelling at Snowy to hurry up with the saving them- what does she think he�s doing? Playing Minesweeper? - but it�s too late. Everyone tries to dodge the laser, but the commando who just spoke loses some fingers. HCBG tries to call UFC to help- she�s the medic, as it turns out- but her head�s too busy sliding off her neck to listen. The finger losin� good commando is lying on the floor going cross-eyed, and it�s pretty funny.
So now the doors are opened, and Snowy is determined to finish the mission. So the bone-cutting lasers didn�t cut the dildo? Lucky. Snowy�s the only one willing to head down the hallway, do he walks down there with a lot less stealth than HCBG. He picks up the bag, but is then joined by Milla. Together they arrive in Quern�s chamber, the door closing behind them.
They head over to the centre of the Quern room, and Snowy whips out his wrist computer again, which raises a� thingy� in the centre of the room. There�s nothing it can�t do! Milla and Snowy load the up the whatsamacallit into the thingamajig (spell-check recognises thingamajig! Awesome.) to shut the system down but the Quern isn�t happy, and a red transparent little girl is sent to attack Milla and Snowy! Or, not so much attack, but talk to. Snowy�s hilariously scared of her, and after explaining that it�s a holographic representation of the Quern based on the designer�s daughter is all �DON�T LISTEN TO HER SHE TELLS LIES SHE�S DECIEVING US!� but all she�s doing is talking in a creepy-but-not-really English accent. And if you�re trying to invoke The Shining here, it�s not working in your favour. All that�s happening is us being reminded of a far, far better movie. She tells them that shutting her down will cut out the power. Snowy ignores her continues with the shutdown. Then Holo-Quern is all �You�re all going to die down here� and I�M SCARED!!!!! And then she goes away and everything�s dark.
Back in the Dining Hall, Mr Mia, Michelle and UC4 notice the lights going out. All the boxes in there go �Environmentally Unstable� according to the signs on them. Inside a box, slime happens.
Elsewhere in The Hive, the flooded lab�s door opens, unflooding it, and more doors all over the shop open. There�s a bit of quiet moaning, and something moves in a reflection.
In the Quern chamber, Snowy tells Milla that the Quern�s down for thirty seconds and blahblahwhatevercomputerstuff it can reboot after that. He takes something out of the mainframe.
In the dining hall, Michelle picks her nails with a knife like a hardcore person while UC4 is all pissy about them being late. FASHIONABLE late, though. There�s one hour twenty seven minutes until whatever happens when the countdown ends happens. Upon hearing a noise, Michelle goes in search, machine gun at the ready. She wanders for a while, sees a cylinder roll into her sight, and runs to it. Then she sees someone in a labcoat.
Initially she�s all �a survivor! We can help you!� but then Labcoat bites her hand and wants seconds. I honestly can�t tell what gender this zombie is. So Michelle and Labcoat are on the floor and Michelle calls for UC4 to get the zombie off before she �stabs her ass�. Aaah�. �her�! He does so, and Michelle�s ever so pissed that she�s been bitten. Labcoat gets up, and UC4 says he�ll shoot her if she comes closer. But she does, so she gets a bullet in the leg. This doesn�t stop her, so Michelle opens fire with he machine gun, sending Labcoat flying with a couple of back flips. The judges give it 8.7. UC4 mystified why she was still standing after being shot so many times, but Michelle says �Bitch ain�t standing now�. Awww. But they had such a beautiful relationship.
Milla, Husband and Snowy turn up wondering what all the commotion was. Michelle what happened, but now the body�s gone. So Michelle missed the head? Poor show, Michelle. Poor like The Fast and the Furious. Then we get a bit of shaky zombie-cam looking at everyone�s back while they discuss the blood. There�s some blood where Labcoat fell, which is coagulated. Mr Mia says it�s impossible, and UC4 is needlessly aggressive as he asks �WHY�S THAT!?� Blood doesn�t do that until after you�re dead blah blah zombies can be used so much better than this. Husband wants to go now, but Michelle says they�re waiting for everyone else. Snowy begins to explain that everyone else is dead-dead-dead-deadski, but then UC4�s all �what�s that?� to a sound in the distance. He shushes everyone, and then up wanders a zombie with a clubfoot and an axe. Then it�s zombiepalooza as they�re set upon by the former workers. A zombie with a fake-looking hole-filled head turns and hisses- zombies hiss? - and the team realises they�re surrounded. Meanwhile, Mr Mia has grabbed the keys to the handcuffs and is working himself free. Labcoat wants more Michelle- a reunion! Awww- but Michelle breaks her neck. Anyone who knows zombies knows that shouldn�t really have worked, but it�s too late to complain now. Only not really.
Hey! Welcome back inappropriate heavy metal! We missed you! The stupid music plays as everyone with a gun opens fire. I won�t recap this in any detail because this is too long but zombies get shot and people are confused because they aren�t dying and a crate gets shot and blows up and Mila�s knocked out.
Now there�s more FlashbackCam, and it�s even more brightly lit and jump and generally gratingly done than before. Mila is in a graveyard with Big Eyes from the opening, telling her that she can get the virus.
Back to the now, there�s fire and crawling around and zombies and zombies crawling around on fire and the stupid music. Anyway, while Snowy tries to remember a code for a door leading out of the dining hall, Mr Mia hides under a table and tries to get his cuffs off while kicking away a zombie who looks like it�s trying to go down on him, in a painful way. Eventually he gets free and is grabbed my Milla. At the door, UC4 (who has arrived along with Michelle) takes over the duties of opening it. That sucks for him, because there are even more zombies on the other side of the door and they eat him, but we don�t get any awesome Day of the Dead organ tearing action. Michelle gets bitten a bit more and the music hilariously changes from heavy metal guitar to sad organ. Then everyone runs off and leaves him to die.
Meanwhile� ugh. Elsewhere in the dining hall, looking at one of the crates. There�s banging. The metal door is knocked out from the inside. And out pops the worst, most fake looking movie monster this side of that Pi�ata movie with Dander. Apparently, it�s called Demon Island now! Anyway, when the Mayor turns into a snake at the end of season 3 Buffy? That looked more real. It�s called �The Licker�. I�m going to call it �The Sucker�.