That man that comes into The Canteen Store every morning smiled at me and winked today. He's old and his hair's black sprinkled with gray. He always buys the same thing each morning--a cup of black coffee and a danish to go. He ain't never said more 'n hi to me and today he smiled. Said I was lookin mighty pretty; said I was growin into a fine woman. I know I bowed my head and bit my lip and my face felt hot and sweat made my pits damp. I know he's right, I do look better but I also know that's thanks to Caleb, not me. I only brushed the kinkiness out of my hair and wore make up and put on sweet smellin perfumes that used to belong to my mama because of him.

Me and Caleb only been out once. Last night. Caleb's real tall and he plays basketball. We used to got to the same school but he never noticed me there. Everyone likes Caleb. He's dark and his eyes are jet black that shine and smile when he laughs. He makes you feel good just to look at him, he's that perfect.

We only been out once and I think that's it. I'm pretty sure it was a bet or something set up by one of his friends. I ain't nearly as pretty as the girls that Caleb usually goes out with. I don't wear clothes the way they do or smile or wink like they can. I don't know how to please a man or tell a guy the things he likes to hear. I'm not half the woman that they are. And Caleb knows. Everyone knows.

Caleb owns his own car. He told me what kind but I don't remember names like that. It's got black windows and gold hub caps and inside it smells like pine. It's a good car, a fast car and that's how he drives it. When he picked me up and we drove in that car I just wanted to cry and stay there all night All night with Caleb. That car's so fast I bet it could take us anywhere. Maybe him and I could make a deal. He could take me outa here so I wouldn't have to work at The Canteen Store or worry about nothin. Maybe together him and I could go somewhere. Somewhere, anywhere is better than here. Maybe if we went out again, I could tell him and convince him . Maybe we could make somethin, you know? We could be just beginnin, startin from zero. Maybe we could. I've got nothin to lose; I've already lost everythin. Maybe he could. Maybe I could. Me, myself, I ain't got nothin to prove. Don't know how. Maybe together we could make somethin.

My friends laugh and joke a lot. They say Caleb's perfect. They say we're good together, they think I'm right for him. I know they also think about those other girls Caleb goes out with, with their painted nails and high heeled shoes. My friends say all the guys are tired of them; that they're all lookin for somethin different. What does Caleb think? Does he think of me? Has he thought of me since last night? Does he know that I dream of him, him and his fast car?

In my dream Caleb loves me. He's got his car that shines just like his black eyes and I've got a plan, our ticket outa here. I been workin at The Canteen Store a long time and I managed to save some money. My dream Caleb loves me so much he wants to take me away with him. We could do it, he says, We wouldn't have to go too far. Jes' 'cross the border and into another city. He's right, in my dream he's always right. Him and I could both get jobs and settle down and see what it's like to live instead of just survive.

That's my dream. To get outa here. We could do it. Me and him together could make somethin. Maybe, if we went out again some of his perfection would rub off on me and maybe I could go somewhere.

I think I love Caleb. He's so perfect I can't help it. When he came to get me he seemed so cool. Like he didn't even care that the place I live in isn't as nice as his apartment or that my dad's nothin like his. My old man's got a problem. I think I've known it ever since I was born 'cause ever since I can remember it's been like that. I remember him comin home and smellin bad and walkin funny and hittin my mama and then lovin her after. His only friend is that whiskey bottle he always carries. Says he can't help but drink, it's the only thing that keeps him goin. Says he's too old to work, no one'll hire him now. I think he's too young to look how he looks though. He don't need to drink all the time. Maybe if he didn't someone'd hire him. My mama went off and left him when I was ten. I guess I don't blame her and I know somewhere I still love her but she didn't have to leave me too. She could have taken me, she could have pretended she loved me. After she left, his drinkin got worse until he couldn't hardly do nothin for himself and he was always passed out. I told myself one day that somebody's got to take care of him, so I quit school and that's what I do now.

Caleb took me in his car last night and we drove off, down every street, to every hangout. And not once did he look at those village girls with their short skirts and tight tops. Caleb's car is black inside too and it's got automatic windows and power locks. It's a good car, a fast car. But is it fast enough for us to fly away? In my dream he begs me to go away with him. He says we could make somethin together, him and I. We could go somewhere in his fast car. In my dream, he says I got to hurry and make my decision though. He says I got to hurry 'cause we gotta leave tonight. If we don't we'll live and die that way. Like my old man. Drunk and smelly and stupid. And dead inside.

I remember how it felt in that car of Caleb's. He drives so fast it's like he's tryin to get away from somethin too. Drove downtown where all the clubs have neon signs. Sped so fast all those lights blurred together into one and I couldn't see nothin clear. Almost felt like I was the one who was drunk. Those city lights flashin and that music blarin and his arm felt so nice wrapped 'round my shoulder. And for just a moment I felt like I belonged there and that I could do somethin and be someone. For a second I was the perfect one and there was only me. Only me.

It's been three months since then. I guess it wasn't a bet after all 'cause me and Caleb are still together. We been out almost every night together. He says he ain't never met no one like me. I know I ain't never met no one like him. He's still perfect. I think I love Caleb. Not that I'd tell him, but I think I do. All my friends say this is it, my ticket outa here. They say Caleb and I will have to get married since we already slept together. They so foolish but I still ain't tell them all that's happened, about how the test was positive. Caleb wasn't even angry with me, he just said okay like he was goin to take care of everythin. I remember the first time he nearly laughed at me when I told him I'd never done it before. "Never?" he asked me, "Girl, what you waitin fo'?" and I almost told him that I'd been waitin for him or someone like him. But I bit my tongue. I think I loved him even then. But now I feel stupid 'cause all my friends told me not to get pregnant or he'd leave me for sure. "Guys like Caleb don't need babies to mess up their lives." they all said. So when that test came out positive I just wanted to die. I know just when it happened too. It was that night when his parents were out and I went over there. He kept tellin me how pretty I was even though I knew I wasn't. He pulled me close and whispered in my ear and then undid his pants. And when he came at me, he didn't pull out like usual and let all that hot liquid run down my belly and stain the sheets, he just stayed there. I didn't say one word because I knew what he was doin and I could tell when he looked down at me afterwards that he knew too. And for the first time since we started doin it, he held me in his arms afterward and whispered to me. He said he was goin to make me so happy, he was goin to take me away from here and we were goin to get married and things would be so perfect. Like him, like my perfect Caleb.

His parents don't like me. They think I'm just poor trash. And they ain't even really rich but they stand up there and talk like they're the king and queen theyself. I don't ever go over there when they're home anymore 'cause they always make me feel so bad, like I don't deserve to be seeing they perfect son, like he's too perfect for me. So whenever they're home we just ride around in his car to entertain ourselves. Caleb don't have no job and now that I'm pregnant he needs to get one. I quit workin at The Canteen Store and now I work at the market on the corner as a checkout girl. It's a good job, it pays well. Caleb says after we get married I won't have to work anymore. He says that I can stay home and take care of our boy. He's already sure that it's a boy. For him, I hope it is too. Maybe it'll turn out to be perfect just like it's father.

Another month. Caleb finally told his parents and they kicked him out. Said they didn't want a son that went around and slept with street trash. Said our baby was cursed right from the very start and if Caleb was smart he'd leave me alone. He took all his stuff and left. He lived in his car for a few days. He keeps sayin he don't care what his folks think but I know he does and he's soon goin to regret stayin with me. Now we live in a shelter. My old man passed last month and the super wouldn't let me stay there no matter how much money I made. Caleb still can't get a job; no one'll hire him. I know things'll get better, they have to. Caleb still hasn't told me he loves me yet but when he pulls me close and whispers to me I know he does. He says things'll work out and we'll move out of the shelter and into some big fancy house in the suburbs. I believe him. He's so perfect that I know only good things'll happen from now on.

I remember how it felt in that car of Caleb's the very first night he took me out. He drives so fast it's like he's tryin to get away from somethin too. We drove downtown where all the clubs have neon signs. Sped so fast all those light blurred together into one and I couldn't see nothin clear. Those city lights flashin and that music blarin and his arm felt so good wrapped 'round my shoulder. And just for a second I felt like I belonged there and that I could do somethin and be someone. For a second I was the perfect one and there was only me. Only me.

It's been nearly a year. I was so wrong, so stupid. Caleb, he left me. He got tired of livin in the shelter and lookin for a job. Said he wanted to be off doin other things and bein a kid again. He said he didn't want to see me any more. Said he loved me but he couldn't live like this anymore. One night he got into that fast car of his and just left. Left me pregnant and alone. Didn't give me no money, didn't even kiss me good-bye. Caleb's car has a convertible top that he used to put down for me to let the wind rush over my face and make my eyes water. It's a good car, a fast car. Fast enough for him to fly away from me. My baby was born dead. Doctor said it was because I wasn't eatin enough when I was pregnant and I didn't take good care of myself. He's right and now my baby's dead. It was a boy. I saw him before they took him away from me. He had ten perfect little fingers and ten perfect little toes. He had just a little hair and a pudgy little belly. I didn't see but I bet he had wide black eyes that shone and smiled when he laughed.

I was so wrong. Caleb wasn't perfect at all. He didn't love me, he only loved himself and that car of his. Before he left he said he had to make a decision. He said we'd never get out of the shelter and he was probably right. So he left me. Just like my mama. Said he had to leave tonight or he'd end up livin and dyin that way. Drunk and smelly and stupid. And dead inside.

I still see him sometimes when he drives through the projects. He looks the same and so does his car with the shiny hub caps and power windows. It's a good car. But it don't seem nearly as fast anymore.

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