My Aunt Beth has the breath of death,
And her teeth are rotten and black,
Her nose is full of crusty bogeys,
And her tongue is coated in plaque.
Her hair is matted with filth and grease,
Her nails are long and green,
Her toes have strange blue hair on them,
And her gut is quite obscene.
But my Aunt Beth is really nice,
And she always makes us laugh,
She buys us brilliant presents at Chrimbo,
I just wish she'd take a bath!
One dark morning - the middle of last week,
Grubbymitts got up to speak,
But from his mush food did come,
Flew through the air and landed on his mum,
Mum yanked his tea from her hair with a pull,
Said, "Son, don't talk when your mouth is full!"
My Dad farts for England,
And he'll compete until he's old,
He blasts away the competition,
To bring England back the gold.
His secret so he tells me,
Is to scoff 15 sprouts an hour,
This vile, disgusting, horrid veg',
Gives him tremendous guffing power.
Next month he's off to Barcelona,
For the annual Farting Fest,
We know Dad will be triumphant,
'Cos our Dad farts the best!
Louis XIV of France thought he could win the heart of his sister-in-law, the Duchess of Orleans, by farting loudly whenever they were in the same room.
King Edward II was assassinated by having a red-hot poker thrust up his rectum.
