Mar_4_05

March 17th, Thursday

I chose this picture because it reflects my mood. Obviously, my mood is "stormy". Today is my son's birthday. He is 7 now, although you wouldn't know it by his actions. He is the smartest kid in his class, yet emotionally he is about 3. He is close to having a genuis level IQ, but his EQ is probably retard level.

I was in such a good mood this morning when I went in to wake him up...but then he had to spoil it of course. He started kicking and slinging his arms around and yelling. So instead of getting a special breakfast with happy b-day sung to him, he got yanked out of the bed, pushed into the bathroom, yelled at and a spanking. Happy Birthday kid. I can't do anything nice for him. He won't let me! Everytime I plan on doing somthing special for it, he screws up and has to be punished. And Goddess forbid I try and be nice in general...he walks all over me then.

)0(

March 18th, Friday

AHHHHHHHHHH! I'm sending him to boarding school as soon as I can find one! I don't know what else to do with him. I've got him on medication, he sees a therapist, he does tae kwon do, he has everything he needs & most of what he wants....yet he is never satisfied. He always wants more....and wants it NOW. Well, that's not really what this posting is about. This posting is about his emotional instability. Today he almost got suspended..SUSPENDED! A SEVEN YEAR OLD! What the HELL is WRONG with him?

His teacher was trying to explain something new. My son wouldn't shut his mouth to learn what she was saying (or allow the other students to learn either). By the time she was finished explaining he hadn't heard a word she said..so when it came time for him to do it, he didn't know how. He fussed and cried and tore up his paper while the class watched. She tried to get him to come to the desk, but he wouldn't do it. When she went to "help" him to her desk, he freaked out and started swinging his arms and kicking out (like a retard!). He ended up kicking her (this is why he almost was suspended). She sent him to the counselor three times today...then the office (where they called me) and then they stuck him in the teacher work room by himself so he wouldn't bother anyone else. It's kind of ironic because his birth father was so disruptive they locked him in a closet (third grade I think)....I should call him and let him know that HIS genetic material is the majority of our childs DNA. I don't think he has ANYTHING of me in him (except his high IQ, too bad I didn't do anything with mine).

I am so frustrated, I don't know how else to help him. He hates me, he is so mean to me. He never minds me. He yells at me. He gets along with his step father perfectly, but that could be from fear since he's such a big guy. He is horrible to me. I want to be nice and play together and bake stuff together and read together. Everytime I try to do nice things with him his behavior gets worse. All I ever do is punish him. Because of his behavior today he is on restriction for a week. No party tomorrow, restriction for one week (no tv, computer, video games). Will this do any good? Probably not. He just doesn't seem to make the commection between good behavior and rewards, bad behavior and punishment.

?????????? What the fuck ??????????

You may think I am harsh for saying that his EQ is like that of a retard..but I am trained to work with MR/DD people, and he really does act like them sometimes. It frightens me. How can he be soooooo intelligent, but act like the people I used to take care of? I had to quit there after a year because I couldn't tak e being around them anymore.....and now I have a child who acts like them!

I have heard of a boarding school for students who are ADHD. They treat it as a blessing instead of a curse. They say it is evolution. They say that these children are really gifted in the sense that they can process so much more information so much more quickly than "regular" people and that they can help them achieve success. It is called Stone Mountain , a school for boys. But he can't go there until he is 11. I need to put him someplace before then, I can't be around him anymore....it's like mixing bleach and well, whatever makes that gas and makes you really sick....poison basically. We are poison together. He is too much like his father. His father brought out the worst in me, and he does it to. I don't like who I am with him. He makes me miserable, but yet I love him so much my heart feels like it is tearing itself in half just typing these words. How can a mother feel that way about her own child? I will not send him to live with him, I thinkg that will make him worse. I want to FIX him, I want him to be able to function in society and be sucessful and HAPPY. He is not happy with me, and I can not do anything for him. I need to find a school who can.

Here is a picture of the little boy breaking my heart.