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| Friday, March 11th Well, last weekend was another D&D weekend. When the hubby sat me down to "have a talk" with me about how to act in front of "guests" it pissed me off and reminded me that I had not updated my journal since last month. He STILL hasn't told me what it was I did last month....OH WELL, I don't really think I give a fuck anymore. He is the most difficult man to please, I'm tired of trying, I'm just going to do my thing and be myself (like HE does) and if he likes it, he likes it...if he doesn't, oh well. He fusses at me and calls me names and looks at naked women all the time and whacks off all over the house...all which really piss me off, but does he stop, NO. He says, "This is who I am, take it or leave it". I told him when I married him that I would not file for divorce. I have been married twice before and left both of my husbands for physical/emotional abuse. I'm not about to be "talked about" again by my family because I can't settle down with one person. WELL! They should treat me right and I wouldn't leave them! Why does everyone see my failed marriages as MY fault? My "current" hubby says he's sees why the other ones were so mean to me, he says I drove them to it. I told him that was bullshit, I will not take responsibility for another persons choice to act out violently! That was THEIR choice. Example 1: Oh, I just caught my husband (the 1st one...sad I have to clairify) over at his ex-girlfriends house (snap goes the picture for divorce court!). Shame on me for catching you cheating on me, yes...I am a bad girl! Beat me up and put a gun to my head! I deserve it! Example 2: Oh, I just caught my husband (the SECOND one) at McDs with another women eating b'fast. He's been taking her home from work every morning (working night shift) for the past month and coming home late, late, late. Shame on me for catching you cheating on me, yes...I am a bad girl! Bite me and choke me! I deserve it! Hubby says I drive everyone crazy and drive them away. He says I have "trust issues" (previous psychological counselor he was). Really, I can't imagine why. EVERY SINGLE person I've been with has cheated on me. Now, my domestic violence counselor says it's not my fault, I can't control other peoples actions or make other peoples choices for them...but I do have to wonder if there really IS something about me that says, "HEY! Treat me like shit!". Anyway....Spring Eqinox is almost here! I'm so excited! It's one of my favorite times of year! It is on the 20th this year, which is a Sun. My son and I will go on a walk around our property and welcome spring back and give thanks for her return. We will do a small ritual out in the woods. This will be his first "official" ritual with mom, and it is right after his 7th birthday. I hope he enjoys it. He is going to church with his g-grandparents once a month....if he wishes to continue that path, that is fine with me...but it is important that he understand what "Mom is all about" as well :) Hope your relationships are going better than mine! )0( |
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