Feb. 7th
Well, the hubby is talking about divorce again. I don't know how much longer I can hold this marriage together, sometimes I'm not even sure if I want to....I relish the time when I didn't have to "ask permission" to open my mouth in public for fear of embarrasing anyone. But, at the same time...when we get along it is great! We have so much in common! Who else am I going to play D&D with? Who else shares my love of fantasy/sci-fi? Of the asain culture and martial arts? We both love to play online RPGs. And, who else would put up with my son, the TERROR FROM BEYOND....He has helped my son so much, my son MINDS him, he doesn't mind me. I'm not sure if I could handle him on my own anymore.
Well, the hubby is furious with me because apparently I said something to embarrass him this past weekend. This weekend was a D&D weekend, my son went to stay with his G-Grandparents and we slew orcs all weekend. SOMEWHERE along the lines I really pissed him off. The odd thing is, I have NO CLUE when I did this! "Which makes it all the worse" he says, because I am "too stupid to figure it out" <sigh>. Am I really so stupid? Do I really not know how to behave "in public"? I've never had any complaints before....but it seems more and more he talks of me "embarrasing" him and saying that he can't take me out "in public" because I don't know how to act. I'm sorry, if we are out in public and some x-girlfriend of his is waving and winking at him and he's WINKING BACK....I'm going to get a little pissed! He has stuck his cock in 90% of the women around here...we can't go ANYWHERE without seeing someone he as fucked! You think I exaggerate? I don't. In the 4 years we have been together we have not been out ONE SINGLE TIME without running into someone. Hell, we went to Monks funeral not too long ago and somehow one old "friend" from college gave him her business card (which he still has in his wallet btw!). I don't understand why all these women chase him, he's 6 feet tall and weighs about 315...not usually the body of a sex god ya know! Of course, I like "meaty" men, but most people don't. And he always looks so nasty when we go out, he wears old gray sweatpants with pink bleach spots on them (I didn't do it!) and raggy t-shirts, doesn't shave or keep his hair trimmed....yuck! But when he goes out somewhere without me, he dresses decent....if he went out often I'd accuse him of cheating, but it's rare. If he wanted to cheat he'd do it on the job...he's night shift police, he could do ANYTHING and I'd never know about it.
It seems ok for him to make me feel bad, but if I make him feel bad, he's ready to get rid of me. He's always oogling at other women and saying things like, "OH YEAH!" to girls on TV. That is incredibly rude and insensitive in MY opinion, but apparently MY opinion doesn't count. He says all guys look at other women and if they say they don't they are "full of shit". He says his not hiding it is showing respect to me because he's being honest. I think it's just an excuse to do whatever the hell he wants myself. I think HE'S "full of shit"!
I still have no idea what I said though. I wish he'd just make up his mind what he is going to do. I have to find another job somewhere else FAR FAR AWAY if he wants a divorce, which sux because I really like my sons school. There is not alot of cultural diversity there and I like that (maybe 1%). I don't want my son to start wearing his hat sideways and wearing "bling bling" and speaking incorrectly on purpose. I'm sorry if that makes me sound like a bad person, but as a mother I just want what is best for my child, and exposure to THAT culture is NOT GOOD FOR MY CHILD. And I like my job too...I work for a school as well, and I took a BIG paycut to be on the same schedule as my son. I am a nurse, all the hospitals here run 12 hr shifts. I can't work that because of my child! Where would I find a job
with the hours I need (8-4) and making enough money to support us both? Last time I was a single mom I had to file bankruptcy and lost my house and my car....and I was making 3 times what I make now!
This is depressing....I'm going to bed...to read, to escape in to Harry Potter's world so I can dream about Hogwart's and yet another way to seduce Professor Snape~~~
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