I have not, for a long time - perhaps a year or more, transcribed my thoughts to paper and immortalized them.
It has been a year of self discovery in which I could not be held down long enough to write out what it is I've been thinking and internally searching for. (Not that any of it would have come out coherently even if I had sat down to try.)
I've lost myself in meaningless sex with men I've hardly known. I've allowed myself to fall in love with a man who's own personal issues and self loathing far surpassed my own and caused me the most heartache I've ever felt.
I've managed a small taste of motherhood. I've forgiven and blamed and forgiven my family many times. I've stopped having nightmares about my mom. I've talked to councellors and learned nothing but the fact that I am my own psychiatrist. My hair's been three differend shades of red/purple.
My clothing style has changed, music taste broadened.
I've made mental lists of activities, things I want to learn, places I'm dying to visit, people I'm yearning to meet. I've begun to look very closely at the personal relationships I have with people. I questioned my own intelligence and worth more over thelast year than ever in my life.
In all of this I have learned only two things for certain : I am not as wise as I thought I was, and I still don't know what I'm searching for or what will bring me peace of mind.
I've been on this earth for almost 23 years and feel like I'm only beginning to understand myself and my interactions. As some things in my life get better - A wonderful partner, nice place to live, new car - a general upgrade of life, it seems to come at the expense of something greater : my own self worth.
How do I fit into this world? What do I want for myself? What do I want in my relationships? What defines a good person? A good friend? What is my spiritual level and how can I stay true to my belief? How can I fit into this short life all that I want to accomplish?
What makes me a failure? What makes me a success? How does my dealing with manic depression fit into the picture? How much of my personality is changed by the medication? Is it worth it?
So many questions with no simple answers.
It's time to become focused again. I've let too much of this last year pass by without true appreciation and reflection.
It is my one regret.
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