It's been a month since our weekend away. Looking back on my entries
over the last four months, I feel almost ridiculous. A bit embarrassed
by the over dramatic, whiney panicked tone. Why was it so important
to me that we rush ourselves into this relationship? Why
did I expect him to be head over heels for me right from the beginning?
The only explanation I have is that it's always been that way for me. Either they adored me to death
or we just weren't together.
It's been.... different. Everything about our relationship
has been different than I'm used to. Some would say, I
finally am in a relationship that's going in the right direction,
at the right pace and not skipping any steps. It's been
nerve-racking. I suppose it scares me not to know, not to be in control -
not to feel secure. To be vunerable.
He invited me over for dinner Sunday night. When I walked in, he was standing at the sink,
in a dusty rose colored polo shirt and a pair of sweats. He was washing the dishes.
My heart leapt and I had this overwhelming urge to seduce him right there. Funny thing I have about kitchens (and dark
haired men in pink!).
We ate dinner, watched some tv, spent an hour in the hottub talking and just had
a wonderfully calm evening. At one point, he turned and looked at me in
such a way tha made me twitch in my seat. It was the look that I so often
bestow on him when I'm thinking about how amazing it is
that I've got him in my life. The look that says 'I want to tell you I love you and yet
I'm not sure that I'm ready to say it'. Of course, I may still interpret him wrong.
I'm still learning his body language and his looks.
I really should stop trying to analyze everything he says and does or does not do. Let me rephrase that whole last paragraph:
He looked at me so sweetly that it almost made me uncomfortable.
I keep trying not to say this because it scares me. Every time I've believed it, I've messed it up,
or I've been wrong and I'm afraid that saying it will come back to haunt me
and make me look like a fool. But I came across a quote that stopped me dead in my tracks and brought tears to
my eyes because it just made sense.
You have to dance like nobody's watching and love like it's never going to hurt.
So I''m taking a dep breath and refusing to let my past experiences keep me from allowing myself to feel
what I feel.
This is it.
He's the one.
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