Chris writes:
I came home to GA for a week to see my parents and
everyone else, hoping to be able to get everything off
of my mind. It hasn't worked. All I have done is said
goodbye to my childhood, and that entire world of
hope, love, and beauty that I found in it. Life is
just so much easier when I am too hazed over from my
drugs to be ... aware. God, I feel like everything is
leaving or telling me to leave one. I am noticing that
pretty much everything that I have ever known and
cared about growing up is slowly, or in some cases,
pretty damn quickly degenerating into nothingness,
with the exception of my mind altering substances
(drugs and alcohol), and I am going to immerse myself
in them as much as possible until my brain is too
saturated to even notice any of the bullshit of life,
or any of the pain and sadness of losing it. People
keep telling me that I am so talented and so smart and
that I am doing so much better now that I am
supporting myself, what the fuck good is it if I dont
even have anyone that is going to be there long enough
to share it with, and im not talking about some friend
that I can only share things with to a certain extent
or something. I am babbling and just needed to get
things out I guess. It didna really work all that
well, but oh well, shit happens. Thank you for
listening, no matter if it is somewhat involuntary. I
am probably going to be calling you soon. I get back
to Denver on Tue.
I write:
I used to think that when you sent me letters like this, I should try to bring your spirits up, give you hope, keep telling you that there is something out there to bring your life meaning. I've realized that sometimes you don't want me to tell you anything, you just want me to listen. I'm glad I finally realized this because I just don't have the answers I once thought I had.
I've grown and yet I feel I've gone backwards because everything I once believed to be true is now only as clear to me as an autumn morning drive to work where I can't see five feet past the hood of my car. All of those high expectations I used to have for my life, for my heart, my soul no longer exist. I'm stumbling as blindly as you are.
Some say that filling our lives with the love of family and friends gives us meaning and makes us whole. It's the web of lives we touch that immortalize's us. I can't help but feel disconnected. I have family and friends and yet all I really have is myself - no matter how close I am to someone. I'm still alone in my mind. It's the one place that no one else can be. No one 'completes' another person. We are complete from the day we are born.
I too, want someone to share everything with and not just to 'some extent' as you said. I always thought that was possible but I'm not sure anymore. Maybe we are chasing something that doesn't really exist. People love in so many ways and yet, when two people love, one always loves more. Maybe the thought of having a soul mate is just that. A mere thought. A perfect idea that will never truly manifest. People are so focused upon finding 'it' that they condition themselves to believe they have found it.
I can just imagine, if I were to tell anyone (but you) this, they would bring up the age old saying that you spend your life not with the one you can 'live' with but the one you cannot live without. Honestly, it's such a load of shit. We do not just stop breathing when we lose someone we love. Maybe we WANT to stop breathing, but we don't. Life does go on. And so it circles back to show that all we really have is ourselves and how can we truly share everything, every part of our being with someone.
What exactly am I saying? I have no clue. I am as unsure about what I just said as I am about everything else. Every position I have ever had on every aspect of life has been smeared, erased and or dissolved. I've exhausted myself trying to answer all the questions that my mind puts before me. I'm sick of analyzing and answering. It's much easier just to keep questioning.
And so I believe I've found MY crutch. While you turn to drugs and alcohol, I just turn my back on the questions and refuse to find the answers. We're both weak.
Or so 'they' would say.
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