Just because I think it's annoying when I'm reading someone's journal and then realize I'm reading backwards... you will find the newest entry at the bottom.

Well, this is my first entry in the third chapter of my journal.
Woohoo.
Yippee.
Oh for fuck sake, who wants to read the mindless drivel of someone they've never met. Online journaling isn't even a fad, it's a serious illness these days and most of us have boring lives and nothing important to say so why bother.

I saw an old man today
sitting down by the lake
He had a small book and a pen in his hand
and as I passed by he looked up
not at me but as if deep in thought
and I wondered what he was thinking
I wondered if that little book contained his own thoughts
the poetry of his own life.
I wondered if he was deleriously happy
I wondered if his life had been lovingly blessed
If he had known the embrace of a woman
the sweet smell of a newborn baby
the depth of his own sorrow
or the height of his own ecstacy.
I wondered if he was content
to enjoy the little moments
sitting on a park bench
down by the lake.

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile. Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away I let mine out, and chatter all the while. I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day Is any day that's spent without a friend, With nothing much to do or hear or say. I like to be with people, and depend On company for being entertained; Which seems a good solution, in the end. What Poetry Form Are You?

I am a Hippy



Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Take More Robert & Tim Quizzes
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I saw Jen and Evie outside when Wade and I came home from the grocery store tonight. Lately, when I've seen the kids out, they've looked alright. Nice, bright clothes - clothes I've never seen before. I suppose that it's possible for Jen to have bought new clothes or had them given to her rather than actually wash the one's they own (that would be just like her) but hey, whatever. As long as the kids don't stink like they typically do.

I miss them terribly but we had to do what we did. After four years of enduring everything she's put the kids through, it was time for a wake up call. I hope that is what it's been for her. At first I was so angry for her leaving the kids with a convicted child pornographer that all I could think about was getting the kids taken away. But like I said, that was just because I was angry. When the anger subsided and I was able to look at things in a better perspective, I realized that it wasn't such a bad idea for her to actually get scared enough to change her ways and grow up - for her own sake AND for the kids.

No one can even imagine what it is like to have to call Social Services on the person who's supposedly been your best friend for 4 years... someone whom you've known for 12 years and someone whom you know is vindictive enough to rip the children right out from under you because you have no legal right to them.

It broke my heart knowing I wouldn't get to see them anymore, but it's more important that they have a competent mother than a competent aunt and uncle who aren't with them every single day.

One thing that I pat myself on the back for - is that even though I drag my feet and make excuses, in the end, I stand up for what I believe is right, even if that means accusations of betrayal.

At our wedding, we had Bekah read The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer and there is one line that reads

I want to know if you can disappoint another,
to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.

I know we did the right thing for the children and I know there's one thing Jen can't take away and that's their memories of us and ours of them.

So I hung out with Jen last night believe it or not. She msged me on yahoo on Thursday night looking for her Windows 98 cd because someone hacked into her computer and now she needs to reformat. We started talking about the kids - it was Hailey's birthday and in a nut shell she told me that all I had to do was ask to see the kids, that she missed me, that she didn't blame me for calling social services on her , and that I could be more 'sociable' if I wanted to be.

So I have been. Friday night she went to get her nose pierced and I just happened to be getting done with work in La Crosse so I decided to meet her down there. I don't know how I got talked into it but between talking to Wade on the phone and prodding from Jen and Brian the piercer, I ended up putting a permanent hole in my nose also.

Saturday night was Beltaine, spent that in Sparta. It was a relatively good time if a little tame for aBeltaine celebration. Raechel laid into everyone in the circle about being unprepared and I think that downed everyone's mood a little but by the time we were dancing the maypole in the dark and trying not to clothesline anyone - people were laughing and having a good time.

Sunday we woke up late, lazied around a bit, had a communal breakfast and then weeded and mulched the circle and put up the doorway complete with a huge elk rack. It looks neat I suppose. They wanted to make a teepee type opening to pay homage to the original usage of the poles. *shrugs* It just makes me more excited to have our own house some day so Wade and I can have the circle exactly the way we want.

Sunday night I stopped over at Jen's with her windows 98 cd and 2 daquaries. It was my truce gift as well as an excuse to hang out and not study for finals. She took out her guitar and I played a little bit. It's been nice to have someone to teach me because she says she hasn't learned much at all. We hung out in her bedroom with Aaron and A.J. - her babysitters/live ins/pieces of ass whatever you want to call it - Aaron comes off as a pot smoking dumb box and A. J. is a cowboy hick. It was a timewarp back to our hometown - I swear it.

Then last night I saw her once again. I guess I'd have to say I've missed her quite a lot that I 've initiated us seeing eachother almost every day since we started talking. I was in a mood like you wouldn't believe. It was the oddest thing. I was crabby and I felt like I didn't want to be alive and like I was waiting for something to happen. I REALLY didn't want to go to kickboxing because I felt weak with no energy so Wade said we had to do something else, we couldn't just sit around or sleep like I wanted to do. I mentioned that we could have the girls and Jen over for a grill out so thats what we did. Wade is sticking to his guns about Jen so as soon as we were done eating he went inside and put a movie on for Hailey, leaving me and Jen outside to drink wine and talk.

If I had any illusory ideas about what may have changed in Jen ,they were all put to rest last night. She's exactly the same as she was before. We talked about her all night and when I would say anything about me, she interrupted me to talk about herself again. This is precisely why I only want to be a bar buddy type of person with her. She's fun to hang out with and get drunk but I don't trust her any further than I can throw her and I can't even pick her up. I'll never confide anything in her because she's a blabber mouth and I can't stand the way she's so proud of all the men she has in her life right now. Where do they all come from anyway? I haven't met or heard about one that was a stable nice guy. They're all as screwed up as she is. Christ! Oh well, whatever floats her boat. I'm glad I'm going a different direction with my life. I keep trying to remember that she's acting like a 21 year old because she never had a chance to do that. She was married with children at that age. Luckily, I've had enough seperation time that I can honestly say that I am alright with the fact that she's not and never will be my best friend. I can honestly say that she never really was what a best friend is supposed to be. In fact, I don't think I've EVER had a real best friend because I've never known anyone that closely that's been a stable person in their own right. Except my own husband. Thank the goddess for him. As far as Jen goes, I'll handle what I can handle and if the shit gets too thick I'll be outa there. I have to say, it has been nice having someone back in my life that understands the gothic and crazier side of me. It's one thing we do have in common. There's no way I would have pierced my nose on my own as much as I wanted to do it. Her being in my life is like a confirmation of how I feel. It's nice to have a 'kindred spirit' in that sense even if we're complete opposites in most everything else.

Goth

What Kind of Goth Are You?
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I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. I have thought about it from time to time but I've been so busy. My birthday has come and gone. Turning 26 wasn't nearly as difficult as 25. Last year was tough. It was like a milestone. I could no longer fool myself that I was a young kid. I'm a seasoned adult now, with all the responsibilities that come along with it.

Corey and I celebrated our birthdays together by having dinner at Fayze's and then going out to the bars for a few drinks. They sat me at the head of the table and lavished gifts upon me. And as I sat there, quietly, watching everyone, it occured to me just how damn lucky I am. Everyone that was there at that dinner table were there for me. To celebrate me. See, I never thought I would have a network of friends like that - people I know I could count on in a time of need. People who genuinely cared about me, loved me for who I am even when I don't know who that is or when I try to deny who that is.

I looked up - and on the wall in front of me hung a sign. It said 'Enter as strangers, leave as friends" and I thought to myself how appropriate that sign hung above our table that evening. Some of the people there barely knew eachother - some not at all, but everyone got a long and laughed. At some point, someone noticed how quiet I was. I smiled and said I was fine. And fine I was. It was just a moment to be cherished and thats what I was doing.

Yesterday I called Jen. I had the day off and thought it would be nice to get a chance to catch up and see the kids. We were on the phone for roughly 45 minutes and not once did she ask how I was doing. At first it didn't bother me because I was trying to be supportive since sh has so much drama going on right now. She said she had some errands to run in the afternoon - like usual I was the one who offered to get together. I asked her if she wanted to take the kids to the park and sit and talk. She said she'd give me a call back after her errands were done. She never bothered to call. Not to say lets go- not even to say she couldn't go - she just didn't call at all... and I started thinking about things. I realized a long time ago that I was always the one who initiated getting together. she never asks me to do anything and then would complain when we didn't spend enough time together. Ever since we started talking again she has said she loves me and wants me in her life. What a joke! She uses me. And she's a caretaker. All of her new friends are as bad off if not worse than she is. So she's in her element. She can dish out advice and 'be there' for all these 15 - 18 year olds.

I know I said she's just someone to hang out with when I'm bored but obviously that's not the case or I wouldn't feel so hurt that she is acting so nonchalant about hanging out. I really think she could care less because she can't fix me- or caretake me - and I'm not male. She has this thing for having male friends. She thinks she's 'soooo coool' to have all these 18 year old guys around.

I swore if the bullshit got thick I'd be out of there so I'm out. I'm not going to call her anymore. Seriously. I'm going to ignore her phone calls - if she ever calls (I'll place a bet that she'll go at least a month without picking up the phone if she ever does at all) I'm going to ignore her instant messages and just ignore her completely. Wade will be pleased. I'll feel rejected - which is so ridiculous because she's such an awful friend - and time will pass in the world and my little pice of misery won't matter at all in the grand scheme of things... and that, I guess, is a refreshing thought.

They say it takes less brain cells to watch your television set than it does to sleep.

I watch a lot of movies.

I never used to be the person who didn't want to be alone. In fact, I looked forward to being alone... but over the last couple of years I've begun to really need people. I just realized that. I need people.

I don't like to be alone. I can't decide if I'm scared of being alone with myself or if I've finally morphed into the social creature that all humans truly are. I suppose it's probably both.

It's easier when you don't have to count on anyone... you don't get hurt. Falling in love with Wade taught me that I CAN trust people as long as I'm picky about who I choose to trust. Now it's like I can't seem to turn it off. I crave to be close to people. And yet, I don't know HOW to be close to someone. Wade is the only person who I feel completely comfortable with and I know that I can trust him not to take advantage of my vulnerability. I have all these great friends... but I just don't feel connected like I do to Wade. Maybe I'm not supposed to. One afternoon, I told wade that maybe I was being selfish to expect to feel that close to other friends - close where I can say anything - or say nothing. confide anything and that they can confide in me. To trust and be trusted. Maybe it was selfish to think that I could have more than one of those people in my life when most of us never find one.

As I sit at home alone on Friday night I just feel so disconnected.

So I watch a lot of movies.

So I don't have any idea what I'm going to do with my life. Seriously. I've thought I would become a councelor, then a social worker, then I decided to major in Sociology with a minor in photography. Oh, who knows. I'm so lost I don't know my butt from a hole in the ground.

I never understood that saying. I mean, really. How could you not know something that's connected to your body, that is a fundamental part of your daily routine and not to mention the attention a butt can get you. I don't hear anyone saying 'hey nice hole in the ground!' I'd be scanning the area for men in white jackets if someone ever actually said that to me.

James called me today, finally. I've really been missing him. He may not be the person who has it all together but he's got a good heart and he's sincere and compassionate. That's what I like about him. He was for all intents and purposes, my best guy friend (if you exclude my husband) until he decided to break from Jen and move back to Alabama. Today he said that he has thought about moving back up here. For purely selfish reasons, I wish he would. I miss hanging out with him over coffee and smokes at Perkins... listening to 80's music in the backyard and dancing drunk around the tiki torches and blowing on bugles (the edible ones).

Despite all the problems that him and jen had together and despite the fact that I am glad they broke up, I feel this gaping hole in my life since things went to shit with Jen and he moved away. Especially since he moved away. I guess I shouldn't say that I've never felt comfortable enough to talk to someone other than my husband because I could always talk to James. There was something about our friendship that allowed me to just be me, without any judgements. Maybe it's because he's so screwed up himself that he didn't feel he could judge me. Or maybe it's just because he really is a compassionate and understanding person... sometimes so much so that it hinders him. I hope he never loses that wide eyed innocence about himself but I do hope he can temper that side of him with a sense of self worth and dignity so that he doesn't always make excuses when people are crappy to him or just crappy in general.

I have no willpower whatsoever when it come's to Jen. I don't exactly know why, but she called me today and I'm supposed to call her back. I'm thinking about messaging her on yahoo. In fact, I'm going to. Stay tuned.