Minutiae: The Epic Saga
Volume 2: Marius, the Insouciant Troglodyte*
*Marius, the Insensitive
Caveman
Subtitle 1: Emulation taken one step too far drives a man insane, which scares the people reading this, which causes them to run away which makes the Narrator (who isn’t Henry Higgins, honest!) sad
Marius comes out of the courtroom, whistling a happy tune and skipping
along the street. He smacks into Eponine, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and
carrying a bunch of suitcases because she just got back from
Marius: Hey, Eponine!
Eponine (very coy): Hi, Marius…
Marius: My name isn’t Marius anymore! I had it legally changed to Bob!
Eponine (suddenly not so coy): How could you?! What did I ever see in you?!
Eponine runs away with her suitcases, crying.
Weird Old Man: Would you like to buy a platypus?
Subtitle 2: Love Triangle
Subtitle 2: Love
Square
Subtitle 2: Love Polyhedron
Marius Bob is walking through a field. He sees Cosette and
Javert, playing tic-tac-toe.
Bob: Cosette my love! How could you do this to me?!
Bob runs away crying.
Subtitle 3: a rather large and extremely handy vacuum cleaner enters the scene
Eponine is sitting in the Gorbeau House, still in the Hawaiian shirt,
crying, being comforted by the Weird Old Man.
Weird Old Man: There, there. Here, you can have a platypus for free.
Suddenly, a vacuum cleaner falls from the sky – or at least the ceiling
– onto his head.
Thenardier: Yes, those vacuum cleaners can come in extremely handy! Call toll-free 1-800-VAC-UUME today!
Subtitle 4: Love Polydextrahedragon
Enjolras is walking down the street with one Haans Pfall.
one Haans Pfall: Where are we going?
Enjolras: I’m not going to tell you. I know what you’ll say.
one Haans Pfall: Well, wherever we’re going, I don’t want to go! I just want to—
Enjolras: No! No singing!
Music starts up in the background anyway.
Enjolras: Stoppit!
The music in the background grinds to a halt. One Haans Pfall catches
sight of a karaoke club and sprints over to it before Enjolras can stop him.
Enjolras enters the Gorbeau House, looking for people to recruit to his worthy
cause.
Subtitle 5: Night of the Three Bunnii
Azelma, Gavroche, and Courfeyrac enter the police precinct, each
carrying a small fluffy bunny. M. Gisquet, however, is not there. They don’t
bother to look for him, but instead sit down and wait.
Subtitle 6: L’amour, Take 3.6
Enjolras enters the Gorbeau House.
<Slow Motion>
Enjolras turns his head and sees Eponine. Angles descend. Hymns are
sung. Bright light surrounds Eponine, like a halo.
Weird Old Man: Would you like to buy a platypus?
Subtitle 7: Satan Revealed
Glenda the Good/the Wicked Witch of the West/Judy
Satan: Got any sevens?
Judy Garland (malicious): Go Fish…
At the next table are Gandalf the Green, Frodo, Frodo’s Fuzzy Feet,
Galadriel’s Twin Sister’s Best Friend’s Uncle’s Cousin’s Brother’s
ex-Girlfriend who happens to be named Galadriel, and the Balrog. Galadriel
suddenly runs out of coffee. Noticing that Satan has a tin of instant coffee,
she goes over to ask Satan for some coffee.
Galadriel: Excuse me, sir…
Satan turns to face her, and she recognizes him.
Galadriel: *gasp* Why…it’s…
Satan: Yabadabadoo!
Subtitle 7: The Buttons are Comming!
The Narrator (who honestly is not Henry Higgins)’s Wife enters.
Narrator (who cross-my-heart-hope-to-die isn’t Henry Higgins)’s Wife: You just did Subtitle 7! And there’s only one ‘m’ in ‘coming!’
She leaves.
Subtitle 9: The Buttons Might be Coming!
Eponine enters.
Eponine: Are the buttons coming or are they not? We must learn to make up our minds, to be decisive! If you don’t make up your mind, then the buttons might come and destroy the world, but if you don’t, then they won’t come and mankind will be doomed! So make up your mind!
Radiant light surrounds her as she goes away. Angles sing hymns.
Subtitle 8: Whoops!
Subtitle 11: there we are
Subtitle 12: The Buttons aren’t Coming!
Eponine enters and smiles winsomely.
Eponine: I really didn’t mean to scare them away! Honest!
Eponine leaves. Radiant light surrounds her. Angels sing hymns.
Subtitle 13: Buttons that Killed the World
Brother Eustace, a weird old man, enters, carrying a hand grenade.
Brother Eustace: Oh Lord, bless this thy Holy Hand Grenade, that with it, thou mayset blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.
Brother Eustace leaves. Angles sing hymns.
Subtitle 14: Reviewing the Situation
Blackness. Roger the Shrubber begins to narrate.
Roger: I feel that I, Roger the Shrubber, must update those who have just joined us. Firstly—
Roger the Shrubber is suddenly pelted with cabbages by Drunken
Townspeople.
Drunken Townspeople: That’s not a word!
Roger: Continuing… First of all, the love polydextrahedragon: Gran—
Drunken Townsperson #1: What’s a love polyhermeradecagon?
Drunken Townsperson #2: That ain’t it!
Drunken Townsperson #3: No! It’s a love polydermagalahon!
Drunken Townsperson #2: No it ain’t!
Drunken Townsperson #4: He’s right! It’s a love polygerlahandahon!
Drunken Townsperson #2: No it ain’t! It’s a…
<Insert dramatic chord and drumroll and such>
Drunken Townsperson #2: Love polymercadelinhelaphelenpergagadon!
The Drunken Townspeople are suddenly pelted with cabbages by Roger the
Shrubber.
Drunken Townspeople: Run away! Run away!
Roger: Anyway, Grantaire, alias capital R, alias that drunken cynic in the corner over there, is in love with Enjolras, alias marble statue of liberty, equality, fraternity, alias Apollo, who is in love with Eponine Thenardier, alias Eponine Jondrette, alias Eponine Fabantou, alias a bunch of other impossible to pronounce French names, who is in love with Marius, alias Bob, who is in love with Cosette, alias Bimbo, alias Ursula, who is in love with Javert, alias the maniacal obsessive physical incarnation of law and order, who returns Cosette’s love. Secondly…
Roger the Shrubber glances nervously around for Drunken Townspeople
with cabbages, but sees none.
Roger: Secondly, Enjolras, Grantaire, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Joly, Liagle, Feuilly reincarnated, Jean Prouvaire, Bahorel, and one Haans Pfall are rebelling against the government, though one Haans Pfall would really rather just sing.
Corny music starts in the background.
Enjolras’ voice: No singing! I mean it, dammit!
Corny background music grinds to a halt.
Roger: Lastly, but not leastly, Jean Valjean was turned into a bunny, but there are now three bunnies: the real Jean Valjean, the man-eating Bunny of Caerbannog, and a Harmless Bunny. That is all. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.
Subtitle 15: Insouciant Troglodytes
Marius…er…Bob is curled up in bed with a big teddy bear (the possible
implications of that picture are quite staggering) sucking his thumb loudly.
Eponine and Enjolras enter, each with a big tube of toothpaste and some
chocolate. Bob wakes up.
Bob: Hey Eponine!
Eponine: I hate you! You changed your name to Bob! Why, Bob, why?!
She starts to sob.
Enjolras: You see what you’ve done to my love?!
He throws the chocolate and his tube of toothpaste at Bob.
Bob: I’m awfully sorry, Eponine…
Eponine: Yeah, well, if you’re not careful, I just might change my name to Bobette!
Enjolras and Bob gasp in horror.
Enjolras: No, please, my love!
Bob runs out of the room screaming.
Bob: Forgive me, Eponine! I’ll save you!
Subtitle 16: Insoucianter Troglodytes
Marius comes out of the courtroom and smacks into one Haans Pfall.
one Haans Pfall: Monsieur, would you let me sing?
Marius: Yeah…sure…
Enjolras’ voice: No! Don’t let him sing!
one Haans Pfall: Thank you, monsieur! Thank you!
one Haans Pfall begins to dance excitedly.
Marius: You’re welcome, monsieur. My name is…
There is a dramatic pause.
<Insert Drumroll>
Marius: Marius!
He goes off, head high.
Subtitle 18: Whoops.
Subtitle 18: Okay, got the number right…
Subtitle 19: Back on track now
Subtitle 20: Where is that damn M. Gisquet??!!
Azelma looks in all the drawers.
Azelma looks on all the shelves.
Azelma looks on top of all the cabinets.
Azelma looks in the toilet.
Azelma looks behind the curtains.
Azelma runs around the entire city.
Azelma does not find M. Gisquet.
Subtitle 23: relapse
Marius enters his apartment, and finds Eponine, large toothpaste tube
in hand.
Eponine: Bob, I’m afraid I’m going to have to kill you…
Eponine drowns Marius in toothpaste.
Marius (gurgling): But…I…changed…my…name…back…
Eponine: My love!
Eponine pulls Marius out of the toothpaste and kisses him.
Thenardier: What minty fresh breath that toothpaste gave him! You too can have such minty fresh breath! Call 1-800-ILL-EGAL to get your very own illegal toothpaste!
Winks and grins cheesily while holding up a tube of Thenardier’s
Illegal Toothpaste.
Weird Old Man: Would you like a platypus?
Subtitle 24: L’amour, Take 57
one Haans Pfall is entering his karaoke club
when he sees a beautiful young woman. He speaks to a Passing Stranger.
one Haans Pfall: Who is that young woman?
Passing Stranger: Oh, that’s the owner of the karaoke club.
one Haans Pfall (dreamy): She’s beautiful… Thank you so much, Passing Stranger.
Passing Stranger: Oh, I’m not the Passing Stranger. I’m a dealer of Thenardier’s Illegal Milk. Care to buy some?
The Milkman holds up a bottle of
Thenardier’s Illegal Milk and grins cheesily.
Milkman: Yes, get your very own bottle of Thenardier’s Illegal Milk!
Subtitle 25: just another day in the barber shop…
Sweeney Todd glances up and notices the
Narrator (who really really truly is not
Henry Higgins!!) filming with his camera.
Sweeney Todd: What the hell are you doing here?!
The homicidal, psychopathic barber leaps at
the Narrator (who really truly really is definitely not Henry Higgins).
Im supplentus et historus.
Where the hell has M. Gisquet got to? Will the Love Polydextrahedragon work itself out, or will it require the aid of Super Bunny? And will Jean Valjean ever regain his human form? And where did Captain Jean-Luc Picard go? And if the Milkman isn’t the Passing Stranger, what happened to the real Passing Stranger? And what the hell is up with the ‘one’ that’s always in front of one Haans Pfall’s name?! Tune in next week to find out on:
Minutiae:
The Epic Saga
<Insert ‘Jaws’ theme>
<Subtitle 26: Minutiae>
<Justification: CENTER>
<Fade to black>
<Begin end music>
Enjolras’ voice: Haven’t I frickin’ told you once before?! No goddamn music!!
Grantaire’s voice: *sigh* You’re so prettyful when you’re mad, Enjy…
Enjolras’ voice: *groan*
Backward Ho! more will come soon…