Minutiae: The Epic Saga
Volume One: Javert, the Ethnocentric Ibex*
* Javert, the
Culturally
Subtitle One: La Sir! A duck!
Blackness. A Knight of Ni begins to narrate.
Knight: Ni!
Everyone screams and runs away
Knight: What? You expected me to say “cherry?”
Subtitle 2: Ethnocentric Ibeii
Javert is in darkness.
Javert looks up.
Javert looks down.
Javert looks left.
Javert looks left.
Javert leaves.
Subtitle 3: The Unparalleled Adventure of One Haans Pfall
Blackness. Then, a phone rings. Thenardier rushes into view and picks
up an imaginary phone.
Thenardier: You have reached the residence of one Haans Pfall. This is a recorded message. Please hang up and try again later. You will be charged $30 for this call and all subsequent calls. Thank you, and remember: a face that is seeing one of Thenardier’s Illegal Vacuum Cleaners cleaning its rug is a happy face!
Thenardier hangs up and leaves.
Subtitle 4: the Bunny of Caerbannog
Eponine and Marius are riding in a cart along a deserted road.
Suddenly, a toothpaste manufacturer runs up, pursued by a small fluffy bunny.
Marius: Ahha! The evil tyrant!
Marius uses his Magical Kangaroo Talisman to summon forth his slaves:
Bill and Hillary Clinton, both in football uniforms.
Bill: What is your bidding, oh master?
Marius: Destroy the evil one!
Bill and Hillary kill each other. Suddenly, a Nike shoebox flies out of
nowhere and hits the toothpaste manufacturer in the head, killing him. Marius
shrugs, Eponine picks up the small fluffy bunny, and the two move on.
Subtitle 5: a dark room
Cosette is in darkness.
Cosette looks up.
Cosette looks down.
Cosette looks right.
Cosette looks right.
Cosette leaves.
Subtitle 6: La sir! Another duck!
Javert is walking alone. He pulls out his Magical Kangaroo Talisman.
Courfeyrac is walking alone. He pulls out his Magical Kangaroo
Talisman.
Javert and Courfeyrac meet.
Courfeyrac: Hail, brother.
Javert: Hail, brother.
Jean Valjean walks towards them, posing as a school-teacher, herding a
reluctant Gavroche and Azelma. Gavroche and Azelma see Javert and Courfeyrac,
and pull out their own Magical Kangaroo Talismans.
Gavroche and Azelma: Hail, brothers.
Javert and Courfeyrac: Hail, brother and sister.
All four of them turn on Jean Valjean and turn him into a frog.
Subtitle 7: Pretty Grapes
Les Amis, all save Courfeyrac, are sitting in
One Haans Pfall: But I don’t want to overthrow the government! I’d rather…just…sing!
Corny music starts in the background, but Enjolras stops it with an
Enjolraic glare. Laigle turns to Grantaire.
Laigle: Are you gay, R?
R: No.
Laigle: Bet you are.
R: Oooh! How much?
Joly: I believe we should contemplate the truth and justice of our cause.
Combeferre sneezes loudly.
Combeferre: Ah! I’ve been infected with yet another hideous deadly disease!
Bahorel: Waaah! I want my teddy!
Bahorel starts to suck his thumb. Enjolras sits down and orders a
rootbeer.
Subtitle 8: the Bunny of Caerbannog
The Narrator (who isn’t Henry Higgins …honest) and the Narrator (who really isn’t Henry Higgins)’s Wife enter.
Narrator (who truly is not Henry Higgins)’s Wife: You’ve already had that Subtitle.
Narrator (who honestly isn’t Henry Higgins): That’s nice dear. I need to buy a shrubbery…
Narrator (who honestly really truly is in no way Henry Higgins)’s Wife: *gasp* Not you too!
They leave.
Subtitle 9: the plot tHiCkEnS
Javert enters the police precinct, carrying the duck Jean Valjean. M.
Gisquet, however, is not there.
Javert looks in the closet.
Javert looks in the bathroom.
Javert looks under the desk.
Javert looks behind the filing cabinets.
Javert looks in all the drawers.
Javert concludes that M. Gisquet is indeed not there.
Javert: Hmmm…
Javert takes his Magical Kangaroo Talisman, turns Jean Valjean into a
small fluffy bunny, and lets him go.
Subtitle 10:
Eponine, Marius, and the Bunny of Caerbannog enter
Marius: Grandpa! I’m home!
M. Gillenourmand: Oh, Marius. There’s something I ought to tell you about your father. We weren’t ashamed of him because he was a Canadian Freedom-Fighter. We were ashamed of him because…well…his name was Bob.
Marius gasps, then begins to cry. He runs out of the house.
Marius: It’s okay, daddy! I forgive you!
M. Gillenourmand: Wait! Marius, don’t do anything stupid just to emulate your father!
But Marius is already gone.
Subtitle 11: Meanwhile…
Captain Jean-Luc Picard is sitting in his comfy chair on the Bridge.
Suddenly, the ship rocks violently.
Warf: Oh no! We’re being attacked, sir!
Picard: By what?
Warf: Squids!
Picard: What?!
Warf: It’s the Mass Inter-dimensional Squid Migration!
Everyone on the Bridge screams. The lights go out.
Subtitle 12: Oh no…where am I?
Subtitle 12: NYC
Eponine and the Bunny of Caerbannog enter the Gorbeau House.
Azelma: *gasp* It’s you, Jean Valjean!
Azelma pulls out her Magical Kangaroo Talisman and waves it in the
bunny’s general direction. The bunny turns into a tree. Eponine is magically
transported to
Subtitle 14: Hades’ Bad Hair Day
Jean-Luc Picard finds himself in Hell.
Jean-Luc Picard looks up.
Jean-Luc Picard looks left.
Jean-Luc Picard looks right.
Jean-Luc Picard looks down,
And sees the beggars at his feet.
Jean-Luc Picard looks down,
And sees the sweepings of the street.
Hades alias Satan alias the Devil alias Beelzebub alias a bunch of
other things emerges from the shadows.
Thenardier: Don’t let them see you, you idiot!
Satan: Sorry, master.
Judy Garland as Dorothy alias the Wicked Witch of the West alias Glenda
the Good alias the Wizard of Oz emerges from the shadows.
Judy Garland: Beware, Jean-Luc Picard, for there are many who would like to stuff creepy-crawly worms down your pants.
Thenardier: Don’t warn him! You’re screwing up my plot to take over the world!
Narrator (who really really honestly isn’t Henry Higgins): Hey! I’m taking over the world!
Subtitle 15: I can’t think of anything to write…
Eponine is in an airport terminal, eating popcorn and reading the New
York Times. She yawns, checks the watch that she recently bought with stolen
money, and stands up.
Weird Old Man: Would you like to buy a platypus?
He opens his coat to show her the purple platypii sitting in his
pockets.
Eponine: Uh… no thanks…
Eponine gets on a plane, which whisks her back to
Subtitle 16: At the barricade…
Enjolras is sitting, reading the New York Times, even though he doesn’t
live in America, let alone
Bahorel: Mommy! I want my teddy dammit!
Combeferre: Where’s Feuilly?
Courfeyrac: He was eaten.
Combeferre: By what?
Courfeyrac holds up a fluffy little mouse smaller than his palm.
Subtitle 19: Elsewhere
Narrator (who really really really isn’t Henry Higgins)’s Wife: You skipped three numbers.
Subtitle 17: Elsewhere from Elsewhere
A Harmless Bunny is meandering down the street, minding its own
business, when…
Gavroche: Ahha! Jean Valjean!
Gavroche grabs the Harmless Bunny and runs away.
Subtitle 18: L’amour, Take 1
Javert is in darkness.
Javert looks up.
Javert looks down.
Javert looks left.
Javert sees Cosette.
Subtitle 19: The Real Subtitle 19
Narrator (who honestly is not Henry Higgins)’s Wife: Thank you.
Subtitle 20: L’amour, Take 2
Cosette is in darkness.
Cosette looks up.
Cosette looks down.
Cosette looks right.
Cosette sees Javert.
Subtitle 20: Warning! Dangerous Small Fluffy Bunny at Large!
Gavroche meets Azelma. Each of them has a small fluffy bunny. Feuilly –
or rather his reincarnation – wanders by with one Haans Pfall.
one Haans Pfall: Where are we going?
Feuilly reincarnated: To find the bunny.
one Haans Pfall: But I don’t want to find a bunny! I just…want to…
Enjolras’ voice: No singing!
Feuilly reincarnated: Look! There’s the bunny!
Feuilly reincarnated picks up the real Jean Valjean. Azelma, the Bunny
of Caerbannog, Gavroche, and the Harmless Bunny all stare at each other as
Feuilly reincarnated runs off.
Subtitle 21: L’amour, Take 3
Javert and Cosette have seen each other. They run towards each other
through a field of tall grass, pretty flowers, and lots of butterflies. They
fall to the ground together.
Im supplentus et historus. [running translation: The Rest is History]
What will Marius think of Cosette and Javert’s love? What is Marius going to do about his father? And what the hell is up with all those Magical Kangaroo Talismans?! Tune in next week to find out on:
Minutiae: The Epic Saga
<Insert “Jaws” theme>
<Subtitle 23: Minutiae>
<Justification: CENTER>
<Fade to black>
<Begin end music>
Enjolras’ voice: No singing! No music!