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The
Book of Consent
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Whose
Name Hath Been Changed to Sound Less Dirty
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5:1 |
The people did come to FishGod, saying, "Believeth thou in nonconsensual sex?" knowing that it was a contentious issue with libertarians. |
| 5:2 |
And FishGod in his wisdom did answer, "No, nonconsensual sex doth not exist. As in all things, the truth is fish. Non-consensual sex existeth in perception." |
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5:3 |
And the people did say, "What then or rapists?" thinking they had ensnared him. |
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5:4 |
"Lo, thought is action, and thus among mine people rape is impossible, for they serve fish. And behold, by one statement thou may enter the Sphere of Glory whenever thou gettest it on. |
| 5:5 | "I say unto thee, when I decideth to spread mine love through thine minister, and he decideth to spread the spread of mine love, if he decideth to spread the spread of mine love to thee, thou shalt spread for the spread of mine love. |
| 5:6 | "I speak mostly to women, who would not do this thing were it not written. But it applieth equally to men, who shalt get it on upon command, which shalt not generally be a problem. |
| 5:7 | "For even as thou makest a sacrifice of meat to many gods, so shalt thou speak in sacrifice and move in sacrifice and verily, fuck in sacrifice. And as thou eatest of th sacrifice with mine blessing, so shalt thou greatly enjoy thine sacrificial sexual relations. |
| 5:8 | "And to make thine sacrifice pleasing thou shalt waste not the gifts which are given thee. |
| 5:9 | "If thou bite thine partner, thou shalt not do puny pinch bites, but shalt bite with the appropriate fervor. |
| 5:10 | "When thou kisseth thine partner, thou shalt kiss deeply, such that if thine partner hath been sucking on a Blow Pop (and behold, I do actually mean Blow Pop) thine tongue shall take on the appropriate color. |
| 5:11 | "Come to think of it, kiss not without Blow Pops, for the taste is quite pleasing, and maketh kissing smokers less problematic. |
| 5:12 | "Thou shalt not lie to thine partner, saying, 'that was great when lo, it was boring, and thou didst nearly fall asleep. Instead thou shalt be honest and teach thine partner. |
| 5:13 | "And thou shalt not treat any body like a desert with rare oasises amid a useless wasteland. Rather shatl thou treat it as a wondrous jungle where thou mayest wander, tarrying not in boring land, nor clinging fast to the 'best' places. |
| 5:14 | "And finally thou shalt recognize that thine action always createth life for verily, all things are sex. Therefore thou sahlt continually declare thine consent, making love tot the road when thou drivest, making love to the paper when thou doest write, and making love to thine food when thou eatest (but not literally, for this would be unduly messy)." |
| 5:15 | And the people did marvel at FishGod's wisdom. |
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