Guys live by a code. Here it is:
1) Guys must pay all bets promptly, but bar tabs don't have a strict due date.
A bet is the single most sacred act that can be made between two guys. When a guy loses a bet, he is required to pay up immediately or he loses face with the group permanently. Bar tabs are the exact opposite. They don't have to be paid the same night, the same month, or even the same year. They are expected to be paid someday, sure, but until then the person who pays the tab earns karma points. Jeff and Rob have great karma.
2) Guys don't tell on their guy friends.
This rule is well known, but let me clarify a few details. The rule is "Guys don't tell on their guy friends" not "Guys don't tell on other guys" as Craig Kilborn incorrectly implies in Old School. In other words, if a female friend of mine...let's call her Mary...is dating a random guy who I catch cheating on her, I will certainly tell on him. If Mary is dating a friend of mine, though...let's call him Jeff for the sake of this example...and I know that he is cheating on her, then that secret goes with me to my grave.
3) Guys don't make fun of their friends when his favorite team loses an important game.***
3-8-04 - Austin Marathon Weekend
2-25-04 - Headlines
2-23-04 - Meaghan's Birthday Thoughts
2-18-04 - Columns Revisited
2-3-04 - 2003 Movie Awards (Updated)
1-29-04 - 2003 Movie Spectacular (Updated)
Archives
1) "Mr. Blue Sky" - Electric Light Orchestra
2) "Never Let You Down" - Kanye West
3) "Immigrant Song" - Led Zeppelin
4) "Danger! High Voltage" - Electric Six
5) "Your Ghost" - Kristin Hersh
6) "Use Me"- Bill Withers
7) "Words So Leisured" - Franz Ferdinand
8) "Strict Machine" - Goldfrapp
9) "Bluelips"- Joseph Arthur
10) "Ride" - The Vines
4) Guys who borrow a condom from a friend lose all privacy rights to that sexual encounter.
This includes, but is not limited to, a detailed description of the encounter, the right to interrupt the encounter for the amusement of third parties, and the right to view any video or photograph evideance of the said encounter.
5) Guys can only sabotage (or cock block) their friends flirting if the action effectively sabotages any chance the saboteur has of getting laid himself.
This rule basically gives a guy the right to do anything imaginable to cock block his friend, as long as it is not done out of self-interest. In other words, if you take down a friend, you must do something significantly embarrassing to take yourself down as well.
6) Guys must abide by the "Shotgun" rule.
The guy who calls "shotgun" when all parties are outdoors and within view of the car, wins the privilege of sitting in the front seat.
7) Guys can say anything to a friend, however meanspirited, as long as it is funny.
Examples:
Chien: Mexicans steal car stereos.
Jeff: Asians have tiny penises. (Appropriate)
Alex: Rob has a girlfriend?
Rob: Yeah, and she's tall enough to ride all of the rides at Astroworld. (Appropriate)
Glenn: At least I don't live at home.
Hari: Yeah, well your hamster died. (Inappropriate) Kids, see the difference?
8) Guys can actively attempt to sabotage the relationship of any friend unless they know that he is really serious about her. Then they have to be polite, considerate, and never mention all of the other guys she has been with.
Girls, take note. If your guy's friends are all very nice to you and never seem to give him crap about spending too much time with you, then either he really likes you, or they do.
9) Guys who are either in a relationship or not looking to meet anyone must defer all of the night's decisions to those who are looking to hook up.
Example: Three friends are at a bar. Guy A is in a committed long-distance relationship, Guy B has no intention of meeting a girl that night, and Guy C is looking to hook up with 2 X chromosomes.Guys A and B like the bar they are at, it has a dart board, cheap beer, etc. Guy C doesn't like his prospects and wants to move on. Guys A and B are obligated to respect Guy C's wishes and move to the bar of his choice.
10) Guys don't kiss, date, hook up, or sleep with certain exes of their friends.
Most guys have an ex that steamrolled them in one way or another. His good friends know this and know that she is as off limits as your best friend's sister...um wait..well, as off limits as a married woman...uh, hold on for a second...well at least as untouchable as a friend's most recent ex....damn it, that doesn't work either. Clearly this rule needs to be explored further. In fact, I think that it needs to be thoroughly re-examined in my next column. I know you all cannot wait.