In settings like these, Suzy College probably ain`t gonna cut the mustard. You need a girl who can hold her own conversationally, exhibit some class, fend for herself, and generally not be deadweight.

The Paying Test
You`re at dinner on the first date. The check comes, and you of course pick it up because you`re a gentleman. Did she at least do "the reach" and offer to pay? The ones that don`t even reach are bad news.
While we`re on the topic of first-date-dinners, what did she order? If it was the most expensive thing on the menu, a simple graphic analogy can help you envision the relationship: Picture her wearing a miner`s cap, eagerly plunging a pickaxe into your back.

The Handshake Test
The first time you meet a chick, shake her hand. I`ve found something like one out of five have a firm, no-nonsense handshake. Those are usually the ones that have all their sh-it together. Girls that give you the "limp fish" are the types of chicks who faint in English period pieces.

The Introduction Test
You`re walking down the street and she runs into a guy she knows. Does she introduce you, or leave you three steps behind? If she didn`t introduce you, maybe there`s a good reason, like she forgot your name.

Hostess With the Mostest
Whenever me and my roommate have people over, we separate the wheat from the chaff by watching what they do after a meal. After all the chopsticks are laid to rest and there`s a lull in conversation, we both stand and start clearing dishes.
Some girls will automatically begin assisting you, regardless of whose house it is or what they`re wearing. Others will feign assistance until you tell them to sit down and relax.
The third kind will sit there without lifting a finger. These are the ones you want to avoid. They`re either princesses, spoiled, or annoyingly self-entitled.

Ladies: If you see a guy sitting there doing nothing when plates are being cleared, he`s at best a mama`s boy, and at worst a useless sexist. If he asks you to pour coffee for him, make sure the coffee`s hot and you`re clumsy.

Oral Skills (not that kind)
Dating a shy, quiet girl is fine if you`re a shut-in, but for the rest of us social animals it`s a problem. Assuming you enjoy the company of other people and aren`t one of those possessive freaks who demands that your lover use you as an interpreter, it`s best to have a girl who can Make The Talk.
This test is as simple as bringing a potential partner to an outing with your friends. Dinner party, picnic, visiting your mother in jail, whatever. Does she:

- Get your friend`s jokes?
- Become shy and withdrawn, like Jodie Foster playing Nell?
- Exhibit discomfort around other women?
- Talk about herself a lot?
- Pronounce "frustrated" without the first `r`?
- Get uncomfortable during the inevitable silent lulls and compensate by overbabbling?

If it`s her first time meeting your friends, it`s natural she`d be a little nervous, so you`ll have to do this several times before you can really get a good gauge. Also don`t get too smug, because if she`s got any brains you`ll eventually go from grading this test to taking it.

Oral Skills (yes, that kind)
The best way to determine a girl`s oral sex skills is to receive a blowjob from her. Until some extremely smooth-talking guy puts together a comprehensive database, I just don`t see any other way.

The Door Test
Some girls will approach a closed door and stop, arms at their sides, waiting for you to open it for them. Which always mystifies me if they were the ones in front. I guess when gentlemen aren`t around, these girls wanderthe streets for hours, unable to enter buildings. Must suck if it rains.

The Mom Test
Of course the validity of these tests will depend on what you`re looking for, and this one is only for those of you who are in it for the long term. If you`re curious what fate has in store for your girlfriend`s body, check her mom out. Genes speak louder than gym schedules.

The Correlation Between Dancing and Sex
It`s long been an accepted, if occasionally debated, theory that people who are good dancers are better in the sack. (The debate usually forms along the lines of people who can dance and claim it`s true, and those who can`t and claim it ain`t.)
While there`s little doubt that having vertical rhythm translates to horizontal, the ability to keep a beat isn`t always an indicator of bed prowess. Again, it depends on what you`re looking for. I`ve noticed people will rate partners good (or bad) based on anything from the sounds they make to the positions they prefer. Sorry guy, but you`re just gonna have to sleep with her.

Chicks Who Light Your Smoke
...are just cool. I haven`t detected any hardcore personality distinctions, but any chick who breaks out a lighter when you put a smoke in your mouth is aces in my book.

The Travel Test
Travel implies two things: One, the possibility of stress induced by a lack of familiarity with the environment, and two, that you`ll be spending every waking second with your travel companion. Such situations can make or break a relationship.
Things to check: Who made all the arrangements/reservations? (Jointly making travel arrangements is a test in itself.) Is she organized? Is this the type of girl who`ll make you miss a connecting flight because she`s mesmerized by souvenirs in the gift shop? Does she travel heavy (high maintenance) or light (low maintenance)? Is she a whiner? Which is smaller, her bladder or her attention span?

The Sick Test
Seeing how a person behaves while sick is a good indicator of character. When ailing, people revert to a more basic version of their personalities, unencumbered by the niceties of social convention. Some become childlike and are unable to do things for themselves. Others, feeling miserable, feel they need to spread that misery on to whomever is close to them. Still others will vomit on you. I`ll never understand why nurses wear white.

The Sharing Test
I dated this girl and several times we shared desserts. If a plate was placed midway between us, she`d actually pull it toward her and just start eating. I might not think anything of such behavior if she didn`t end up eventually fulfilling all the negative qualities you might assume about such a person. In retrospect, I`d have been better off staying home and eating Haagen-Dazs in my boxers.

The Room Test
What does her room look like in terms of cleanliness? You`re a lucky man if you get to see her room incidentally--when she hasn`t cleaned it for the sake of guests. But the state of a girl`s room may not mean much to you, unless you`re close to marrying age. If the latter is the case, and her room is a disgusting mess, is this someone you want to raise children with?

The Love Proctor
You might think all these little tests are a stupid or needlessly calculating way to evaluate a person. There is, of course, an alternative: Marry them. If after the first 30 years they don`t cheat on you, screw up your kids, accidentally poison you, or bring you to financial ruin, then you`ve had the last laugh.