The Bachelor Party
Strippers, booze, and buds -- now we`re talking.
Advice: Live in the moment and enjoy yourself. Try to forget that tomorrow you`ll have to look your bride`s parents in the eye just hours after you and the fellas watched strippers launch golf balls from their genitalia.

Wedding Day
Hungover from the bachelor party, you spend most of the morning with a bag of ice on your head while your Best Man pours black coffee down your throat. Eventually, you suit up and they hustle you to the chapel.

The Wait
You stand up front while the music plays. You might feel antsy since there`s a roomful of people staring at you (and you can swear at least two of her relatives are staring at your crotch). If you`ve been tricked into this by parents or a contraceptive disaster, you will feel the urge to run, or hope against hope that Dustin Hoffman will interrupt.

The Approach
When the bride finally shows, she can`t just strut up to the altar. As per tradition, she "walks" towards you like she`s wearing leg irons and on Valium.
Her father "presents" her to you like she`s a jet-ski or a set of golf clubs. If he`s Korean, Italian or drunk he might get emotional and cry, or give you a menacingly strong hug.

The Speeches
Side-by-side, you both face the Reverend, who starts yapping. If you`re religious, you`re in for a treat. If not, buckle in for a long lecture on how divorcees go straight to Hell. (Last wedding I went to, the Rev made it sound like Jesus drives you there himself.)

JC: I have to stop and put some gas in the car. You had better be sitting right there when I get back.

YOU: I have to go to the bathroom.

JC: I told you to go before we left the house! You can use the bathroom in Hell--for all eternity.

YOU: They have bathrooms in Hell?

JC: Yes, but the toilets don`t flush. Hee hee.

For your vows, resist the urge to use words like "thine" and "everlasting" unless you`re marrying a goddamned hobbit.

The Rock
The Best Man breaks out the ring. The last time you dropped this much money, you drove home in a new car. Now, it`s like you`re sliding a Toyota onto her finger.

The Kiss
"You may now kiss the bride," says the Reverend. Before, he ranted about sin, now he`s giving you the green light to get sloppy with your bride in front of both of your parents.
Tip: Give her lots of tongue if you`d like her mother to have a heart attack. And grab her ass if you`d like her father to meet up with you afterwards in the parking lot.
Next there may be polite applause, and if you`ve chosen to get married on Endor, cheering Ewoks.
You`re married.
"Hey, That`s a Meal!"
As you and the bride head to the reception there might be some throwing of rice, always confusing at an Asian wedding. Resist the urge to pick it up and save itfor when times are tough. "Yo," says my friend Dan, commenting on one such incident, "I was fighting motherf-ckers for that sh-t."

The Reception
Party time, or so it seems. There`s a lot of great food laid out, but it`s really for the guests, whose duties include:
- Eat
- Drink
- Be Merry.

For the Bride and Groom, it`s:
- Eat but don`t spill
- Drink but don`t get drunk
- Make the Rounds.

The Rounds
Try to forget that you and the bride are dressed like a penguin and Queen Amidala.
Your duty is to talk to each and every guest, but keep it moving, Mr. Mouth. With 120 guests at 30 seconds each, we`re talking a full hour of pressing the flesh, laughing at the same jokes, and making people who got Shit Seating feel like you actually like them.

The Rituals
Next come standard wedding rites like cutting the cake, snake-armed champagne drinking, the first dance, and whatever Asian rituals your bloodlines require of you. (We Koreans like to set monkeys on fire, or maybe that`s just my family.)

The Gifts
The good news is there`s a table stacked with gifts for your troubles. The bad news is most of it is ugly crystal artifacts you won`t think twice of when you`re dashing out of your house during a fire.

The Honeymoon
Traditionally planned by the groom. Since this is basically all you`ve got to do, make sure you get this thing right. Stay away from hotspots like Afghanistan and Somalia.

The Wedding Night
Those of us who aren`t Amish experience physical intimacy wayyyyy before the wedding, which takes some of the zing out of the Wedding Night. Back in the day, you were unknown to each other as lovers and sex was a mystery; these days, you and the bride have had drunken sex in an airplane bathroom just to try it. By the time you actually get married you`ve seen each other naked thousands oftimes and your disgusting tattoos don`t even bother her anymore.
Since the virginal thing is history, the thing to do is to hold off on having sex for a couple months before the wedding, to build up the anticipation. The best you can hope for is to have extra-good, multiple-orgasm sex. Might as well break a record since you`re not breaking any hymens.

The Honeymoon`s Over
Been to my share of weddings but I`ve never been married, so I`m not really sure what this is like. Will keep you posted.