See, women have it easy... to a woman, finding a man is like shopping at a discount outlet - the selection may be old, and probably isn't the best quality, but sooner or later you go home with something you like. And if later on you decide you don't want it, there's a flexible return policy - just toss the old one and pick up another... no receipt, no hassles. You may need to invest in a restraining order or two, but for the most part, it's fairly simple.
But men, forget it. See, guys in New York get a bad rap. New York women are so used to being honked at and whistled at and hit on by some of the most repulsive men on earth that they've evolved into this new and improved super-creature with this built-in forcefield that protects them from the idiot that is man. And the only kryptonite available that can penetrate it is... well, uh ...money.
But don't worry, guys. I know it's tough... just gotta hang in there a bit because I think it's gonna get a lot easier for us. "How?" you ask. Could it be that I have the secret to what women really want? Have I somehow managed to unlock the secrets of the greatest mystery of the world?
Nope.
It's much simpler than that fellas... and I can sum it all up in two little words - homo, sexuals.
Yeah. That's right.
Think about it... Have you noticed the gay population in New York? It's insane! It's like 5 to 1!
Sweet! That's less competition here guys! Don't fight it, embrace it.
And it's only gonna get better. More and more guys are converting each day, bringing the competition down to virtually nothing!
And you know who we have to thank for it all... Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
That's right.
Ladies, I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "No those Queer guys are supposed to just be helping out by improving my man and inspiring what's left of the eligible men," right?
Wrong. Sorry, ladies.
Have you seen the show, ladies? There's no way those straight guys can continue living their straight lives after the Fab 5 gets through with them! Forget it!
They start dressing gay, styling their hair all gay. They even start eating gay! The show was created as a ploy by the gay community for the sole purpose of recruiting more players for their team. They're trying to take over...one straight guy at a time.
Hell, I get nervous just watching the damn thing! I can't even get dressed anymore without thinking, "Gee, I wonder if this shirt brings out the color of my eyes?" or "Do this make me look fat?"
I used to live with my girlfriend, too, so we'd watch the show together - she was no help either.
You know what she'd do... she'd do things like get dressed in the morning and try on one of the millions of pairs of shoes she owns, you know, and she'd look at me and ask, "Do these shoes go with my outfit? Give me your honest opinion..."
What!? Why are you asking me, Woman? I can't answer that!
The moment my "honest opinion" is effective enough to accurately answer that question, it's all over! I can just throw in my hetero towel and cross over to the other side.
And the Fab 5 have won...
