Wet strands of her long black hair clung to her sexy, (mostly) bare back as she stood waist-deep in the spring, clad in an amazing chainmail bikini.
The teenage boy breathed heavily as he watched through the tree branches, eagerly awaiting what was surely about to become a sensuous strip show. After all, women bathing in springs always undressed as if someone was watching.
The woman flipped her hair in a seductive way before running her hands over her body. Her eyes were closed and there was an expression of striptastic ecstasy on her face.
"Mmm..." she said to no one in particular---after all, women bathing in springs always talked as if someone could hear them, "This chain-mail bikini is soooo sexy, I just can't bear to take it off. But if I don't, how shall ever become deliciously nude in this hidden spring that's OH-SO-COOL and watery??"
How, indeed. the boy willed, staring with such intensity it was as if he hoped the bikini would come off just from the forces of his mind.
Her fingers moved to the top of the metallic swimwear, undoing those vital pieces that held it onto her luscious body...
Just a little more... the teen willed, actually leaning forward more with each passing second. Suddenly, he fell out of the tree, onto the hard ground, blowing his cover.
"I said breakfast is ready, Lepant! Come on, now, dear. You can't sleep all day!" called a woman's voice that penetrated the ears of the teenage boy who was currently in a bit of pain. More of surprise, really--he had fallen out of his bed. Dreams, again...ahh, they got more tantalizing every time, he thought with a relish. Standing, he admired himself in the mirror. Tall, not a bad physique...red hair. Chicks dug the red hair. Or did they? Bah, it didn't matter. He was one hot ticket.
"What's cookin', good lookin'?" Lepant said to his reflection. Chuckling, he pulled a shirt on and hurried down the stairs from his room---the mention of cooking always made him hungry.
It was another brand new day in Vicksville, and Lepant was ready for adventure.
******
At fourteen, Lepant had a fairly comfortable way of life set out for him. He lived with his mother, Ginger, an outspoken butcher-slash-housewife who worked out of her own home, and his father, Samuel, a candlestick maker, who always encouraged his son. Their home, which Samuel and his father had built from scratch, stood nestled with other such houses in the small fringe village of Vicksville, which stood at the edge of the vast forests of Elven and Kobold territory in the Scarlet Moon Empire, to the south of Kouan and west of Great Forest Village. The village was a tight-knit community, where everyone knew your name, and all of Lepant's friends lived there with him.
But something was missing. Something that lay deep inside of Lepant. This thing was... a [DESIRE]. Not just desire, you see, but [DESIRE]. That was just it. Adventure was what Lepant wanted, and he knew that in all proper adventures, things of importance were distinguished from normal matter with some special marking, such as a bracket. At only fourteen, he already knew this important adventuring tidbit. He had his grandpa to thank for that.
Lepant entered the kitchen, hungry for breakfast. His mother was chopping up a side of beef for her business, but there were pancakes on the table. Lepant noted, with some dismay, that they were completely ORDINARY pancakes, too. No runic symbols. No secret notes hidden within. How could his mother have turned out so incredibly LAME? True, she did wield some hefty cutlery, but she didn't even NAME her blades! How incredibly...mundane.
"Good morning, son!" Samuel said cheerfully, sitting at the table, chewing.
"Hi, Dad." Lepant said, equally cheerful.
Well, he thought, At least there's a miniscule slice of hope for Dad...
"Have a good sleep?" his father asked in a completely ordinary tone of voice.
"Oh, sure...it was pretty hot." Lepant said with a smirk.
"Open a window next time, dear..." his mother sighed. She just didn't get it, did she? He meant SEX, the fools! They would never pick up on his teenage innuendo, as they would have were they any kind of adventurers at all.
"Do you have any plans today, son?" Samuel asked him.
"I'm gonna---" Lepant said in between bites of pancake, "Hook up with my friends and see if I can..." He waited for it. "Go on an [ADVENTURE]."
Ginger and Samuel didn't even blink. The brackets went clear over their heads, and they merely nodded. How appalling! Lepant was talking ADVENTURE, and they weren't even giving him proper attention.
"Don't get carried away... I hate cleaning up all those messes you make out back in that fort thing of yours, Lepant." Ginger said loudly, irritated. He sighed.
"It's not in the <Fortress of Virtue>, Mom...I'm talking real adventure here." Lepant protested. "[ADVENTURE]!!"
Again, no reaction. His grandfather fell down the stairs, however.
"Adventure! By the runes, boy! Can it be? Have the stars spoken to you? Seen any omens? A fairy spirit, perhaps, ehhh? I knew it!" cackled Lepant's paternal grandfather, unaware even that he had fallen.
"Dad, be careful of yourself!" Samuel said, distressed.
"Are you all right?" Ginger asked.
"Of course I'm all right!" the old man cried, "In my day, I could take a fall like that off a thirty-foot cliff into a ravine of jagged rock, and make it out all right! And do you know WHY? Because I never traveled without the proper Party, that's why. Always had a healer along just in case of disaster, I did!"
"Wow, Grandpop..." Lepant said. Now THERE was a man who knew where it was at. How could his parents be so blindingly un-hip, while his grandfather knew all the latest trends in adventuring?
"So, you're going out adventuring, then, sonny-boy?" Grandpop said, giving him a look, his eyes glinting with remembrance. "I've got something for you, then." He shuffled out of the room, cackling.
Lepant could hardly hold in his anticipation. There were three things in the world he loved above all else: sex, cooking, and adventure. If he were to ever find a combination of the three somewhere, he would truly be in heaven. ...Though, he amended, he had yet to experience the true joys of [REAL SEX] (heh, brackets), but if adventure came calling, that wouldn't be far off.
"Dear, I don't know about this. Your father gets so...overboard...with these things." Ginger hissed to her husband. He merely shrugged and went back to his breakfast.
Moments later, Grandpop returned bearing a small dagger with a carved ivory handle.
"This *Ivory Knife will help you on your Quest, Lepant..." said Grandpop joyfully. "Don't forget to equip it."
"I won't, Grandpop!" Lepant assured him, taking the knife and sheathing it at his side. He struck a pose.
"Are you finished with breakfast, Lepant?" Ginger asked.
"Yeah, Mom." Lepant said. There was suddenly a knock at the front door.
"DESTINY CALLS~!" Grandpop shouted, choking on his pancake. Lepant hurried to the door, hoping that his grandfather was right.
A pretty fifteen-year-old girl stood in the doorway, waiting expectantly. She wore a patchy, lightweight set of armor that was appropriately feminine, but still tough-looking, and a set of elven-style boots. There was a dagger at her side. She had a golden circlet in her long blonde hair, which was blowing in the wind. She had hazel eyes, and a few freckles. She smiled at Lepant.
"Are you ready, Lepant? The others are waiting already at the <Fortress of Virtue>." she said.
"Just about, Sheenami." Lepant said, eyeing her outfit. He couldn't help but notice that she had begun to fill out rather deliciously as of late. Heck, he couldn't help but notice that he had started to notice such things as of late. He grabbed a knapsack he had packed the night before and was about to head out, when his dad came over to the door.
"Be careful, all right, Lepant?" Samuel said.
"All right, Dad. Farewell!" Lepant replied heartily.
"Have fun on your little adventure thing, all right? But I don't want you harassing any more merchants, all right? I don't want to hear any stories about demon possession, and that's final." Lepant's mother said to him firmly. He groaned inwardly. How could his parents be so incredibly lame?? He vowed that if he ever had children, he would never be so obliviously embarrassing.
"Let's go..." Sheenami said, leading on.
******
The <Fortress of Virtue>, though no one would admit it, was really a kind of overglorified tree fort outside of Vicksville in a wooded glen near a spring not unlike the one in Lepant's dream. He and Sheenami walked through a forest path to said fortress, where their Party awaited them.
Lepant entered the Fortress and stood up at his makeshift podium. Sure, his parents thought this was just some playground for make-believe. For kids. But it wasn't. It was actually surprisingly well-equipped in case of some kind of attack, with weapons hung up on its walls and bags of mixed potions in the corners.
"Time to take the roll call." Lepant announced, looking around at his friends around the room. The roll call was more of a formality; a tradition... more that than anything substantial. It was a way of announcing one's strengths and weaknesses and getting in the correct mindset before any given mission.
"Lepant," he said formally, indicating himself, "Heroic Swordsman class. Secondary class Warrior Chef. Present and accounted for." He nodded to Sheenami.
"Sheenami, Sword Maiden." Lepant called out. "Looking sexy as ever, today," he added, grinning wolfishly.
"Here, of course." Sheenami said, winking back at him.
"Next...Gorn Ornray, Barbarian Warrior." Lepant called.
A muscular teenage boy with messy black hair who had neglected to put on a shirt that day, and had barely bothered with pants, stood proudly, his strong jaw set in an expression of defiance. He cracked a grin and nodded. "Here, Lepant."
"Mariana Purhartkristel, White Healer..." Lepant listed off. Next to Gorn (very next to, in fact---one could tell at a glance that they had a thing for one another) sat a gorgeous girl of sixteen. Though billed as a 'white healer,' she wore entirely shades of pink, from her flowing silky robes to her slippers to the bow in her shoulder-length chocolate brown hair. She batted her eyelashes and blew Lepant a little kiss.
"Here, Pantiepincher, darling~..." she cooed. Lepant reddened slightly at the nickname (and the kinky thought of pinching panties) and continued down his list.
"Eugene Clarence Migby, AKA Dirk Shadowdark, Ninja Assassin." Lepant said with a smirk. A rail-thin boy of fourteen, clad in too-large black gi, with a hood concealing his 'identity' and large glasses, raised his hand.
"You forgot it, again, Lepant. It's Assassin of Death, remember?" he said. "Uh, but I'm here."
"Duly noted, Shadowdark." Lepant said seriously, though he had always thought Eugene looked a little silly as he did.
"Wolfgang Tetzoken, Musician..." Lepant recited. A boy waved from the corner. He had wispy brown hair, and brown eyes, and he looked like a walking chamber orchestra. He was carrying every musical instrument imaginable somewhere on his person.
"Here," he replied, accompanying that with music.
"Finally, Sidney Gulhorse, Transportation Specialist, Secondary class Technical Inventor...!" Lepant said. "Where's Sid at?"
"Oh! He's helping his parents on their ranch, Lepant," Sheenami explained. "He said he'd be by later."
"That's everyone, then." Lepant nodded. "You guys, it's time to get serious! There's [Princesses] out there to be rescued, [Towers] to be scaled, [Dragons] to be slain! What are we waiting for??"
"Conceivably, for you to tell us where we're going." Sheenami pointed out. "I mean, are we just going to do another Quest around the village again? That's getting kind of old. I'd like to see some more action than that."
"Of course, of course. No, this time, let's go...into..." Lepant said, pausing, "The Great Forest itself!!!" A dramatic wind conveniently blew through the 'fortress', as music played by Wolfgang blasted after Lepant finished his sentence.
"You mean, the Great Forest, proper? With Elves and Dwarves, and such? That would be great!" Gorn said enthusiastically.
"That's so far~!" Mariana pouted. "I don't know if the love that swells in my heart could take the journey!"
"...That doesn't even make sense." Sheenami pointed out.
"Wonderful!" Lepant cried. "Let's get my Grandpop to help us get there, and then we'll be free to adventure as destiny pleases!"
******
It took all of two seconds to convince Lepant's grandfather to guide them, and then they were off. Lepant, Sheenami, Gorn, Mariana, Eugene, Wolfgang, and Grandpop set out. Sidney Gulhorse promised to follow them as soon as he could on gul-horseback.
They traveled east for the remainder of that day, settling down for the night not far from Great Forest Village.
As Mariana, Eugene, Wolfgang, Sheenami and Grandpop lay sleeping next to the campfire, Lepant seized the moment and took advantage of the moonlight to engage in a much-adventurer-coveted Campfire Chat with Gorn.
"Sheenami is sure hot, isn't she? She's more delicious than even the tastiest morsel!" Lepant expressed.
"Ohhh yeah, man." Gorn said simply. "But Mari's hotter. I mean, can't you just see her in...like...lingerie, or something?"
The subject of lingerie was almost too advanced for Lepant's line of thinking and threatened to short-circuit his brain.
"Nah, not lingerie...more like CHAIN MAIL BIKINI. Oh yeah, baby." Lepant said triumphantly. "Now THAT would be a dream come true."
"Chain-mail is so sexy in bikini form!" Gorn agreed. "And so incredibly practical! I dunno why we don't see more of it."
"Mmmm..?" Sheenami murmured, stirring. She sat up, squinting at the two guys. "What are you two talking about?"
"So, um, Legendary Sword." Lepant covered.
"Killing," Gorn agreed heartily.
"Certainly not a three-layer chocolate-chocolate Great Forest Cake with strawberry mousse and a side of corned beef being served up by a lusciously bare-breasted elf maiden." Lepant said smoothly, shuddering with delight.
Sheenami stared blankly at him, then shook her head and went back to sleep.
"Ah...good save." Gorn said, blinking.
Lepant thought so, too.
The next morning, Grandpop woke them all up bright and early (rather violently) by beating them in the head with his cane. He insisted, and they agreed, that no time could be wasted with [ADVENTURE] at stake.
The group packed up their camp and made their way towards the village of Great Forest. It was widely rumored that a secret elven road deeper into the forest kingdom existed within the village.
Lepant never forgot that day, after what happened when they reached the village outskirts. It was terrible, and it all happened so fast...
Mariana was first in line as the group walked up the road into the village. But then, there---out of a shop doorway! The beast rode forth. Someone's overly-friendly dog came bounding towards them, eager to greet the newcomers, and perhaps even get a treat from them.
Lepant knew what to do. Crying out, Mariana jumped back, and just as they were trained to do when met with harmless housepets, everyone drew their weapons and charged forward threateningly, shouting loud battle cries at the dog. Frightened, the pup yelped and fled back into the village. They had done it! Victory! ...But it was too late.
"We did it!" Lepant said happily, before turning around to look at his grandfather, who was standing, stunned, his cane lying helplessly out of reach on the ground. His breathing was shallow, and his eyes wide.
"G-Grandpop! What's wrong??" Lepant asked. His grandfather fell to his knees.
"I...I was too...too slow! Couldn't even grab...my weapon!" he gasped in awe.
"But...it doesn't matter! Our foe fled!" Eugene crowed.
"No...a Party must always enter battle in time with one another. I ...I fear I'm too late. It's...it's gotten me." his grandpa said, crumpling.
"Grandpop...!"
"No, Lepant...you must...(cough) go on...without me..." Grandpop said dramatically. "I've gone...N...NPC..."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Lepant cried, tears squeezing from his eyes.
"Non-Party-Capable..." Sheenami gasped. "Ohh, 'Grandpop', that's terrible! Are you sure you can't make it...?"
"I'm a goner, Sheenami..." the old man wheezed. "Tell my...wife...to ...cook for me..." His eyes rolled back and closed, and he was gone. Well, from the party, anyway. Wolfgang played a sad tune.
Lepant would have told his grandfather that his wife was dead long ago if he himself hadn't been sobbing hysterically at the time. Sheenami knelt to comfort him, and he buried his face in her bosom.
For quite a long time, actually.
...A really long time.
"...Lepant? Are you okay?" Sheenami asked, concerned.
She could have sworn that she heard his grandfather cackle.
******
The group spent the rest of that somber day at the inn in Great Forest Village, mourning the loss of Lepant's grandpa (from the party, that is), and then set out the next day.
"This should be it, here..." Gorn said, pointing at a hard-to-see pathway into the trees on the eastern edge of Great Forest Village, "The road to the Elf Kingdom."
"Marvelous!" Lepant marveled.
"I can't wait. Let's go." Sheenami said. And so, they entered the legendary forest. Unfortunately, no one had bothered to tell them the legend---humans could not find their way through the Forest of Illusion without a guide of elven, or at least Kobold, nature.
So, they wandered, deeper into the trees, seemingly without making any progress. Several hours passed before they began to wonder whether or not they were going in circles. At one point, Lepant got seperated from the group, and was surprised to find his grandfather sitting serenely in a beam of light in a conspicuously manufactured-looking clearing.
"Grandpop...? I thought you were a goner." Lepant said, confused. His grandfather looked up at him with an air of wisdom.
"Worry not, sonny-boy. I've found the beauty and subtle joy of [Supporting Roles]." Grandpop said sagely. Lepant idly wondered whether that was anything like 'support undergarments', or an athletic supporter. He had never heard of such a thing.
"Grandpop, why don't you come with us again? You know these woods like the back of your hand!" Lepant offered.
"Sorry, Lepant. I really can't. But I can give you ...this." the old man said, reaching into a conveniently located bag. He held up a chainmail bikini.
"G-Grandpop! Is it really...?" Lepant gasped.
"Yes, Lepant. Chainmail bikini. Use it well." Grandpop said, handing it to him. Lepant vowed to make use of the metallic swimwear at the first opportunity. With that, he turned, and walked back into the forest proper.
Though now he had the chainmail bikini with him, fresh and waiting to offer to any topless maidens that might happen by, they were really no better off. They were still wandering aimlessly...
******
Lepant looked around at the dark, dark forest and came to a realization.
"That looks like a very familiar toadstool. Or does it? Guys?" Sheenami shot him a look.
"We're very lost, Lepant. You have NO IDEA where we are, do you?" she said. Eugene's eyes widened.
"What's that there, rustling in the bushes??"
"A [monster]!!" Gorn said excitedly. He drew his sword hungrily.
From admidst the bushes came a crackly old voice that seemingly spoke to them with a chill of death, "Ah! But my dear, I love thee unto the endless light of morning- no. No that's just horrible."
"Ah! But my dear! I love thee unto the endless light when sun has failed and moon is dead. Never shall my love go unwavering (as long as you are still young and sexy) hoo hoo hoo..." the voice continued.
"Hoo hoo hoo?" Sheenami repeated, blinking. Lepant crept forward. What on earth could be in that bush? Whatever it was, it was speaking clearly, and quite poetically, he might add. He poked at the bush with a stick.
"For to you I would- eh?" The voice ceased at that moment. And dramatically the bush fell over as a sword was sliced at its base. Now, instead of a poetic tree, stood a short little man dressed in a large red hat and a blue tunic armed with a sword as large as he. This little man had a long beard that crept past his ankles and bushy eyebrows and seemed even older than Lepant's grandpop. "Hark! Who dare attacks me, the great and powerful warrior gnome!?"
Lepant could not believe his eyes. A gnome! Adventure! "It is I...um...Lepant, the Warrior Chef. And I was just poking the bush. Heh, poke." he spoke up, looking down at the tiny man. Wolfgang dutifully accompanied this exchange with a musical ballad of Mysterious Gnome Finding, which he had just composed. Mariana quaked with fear.
"W-who ARE you, tiny bearded gnome?" she asked.
"I am Puttirust Thedorune III! Greatest of the Thedorune line," said the gnome proudly. His eyes quickly turned to Sheenami and Mariana, "and a rather handsome fellow at that! If I may be so bold, might I inquire upon the name of these fine maidens?"
Dramatic wind blew through the trees as a beam of sunlight shone upon the two girls.
"Mariana Purhartkristel," she said, blushing ever-so-slightly. "Er...I'm Sheenami, the Sword Maiden." Sheenami supplied. Wind blew her hair as well, but she looked less sure that she was comfortable with this gnome's attentions.
"Beautiful, spectacular names," Puttirust complimented. He then regarded their male compaions coldly. "Fair maidens from beyond the forest, leave these filthy cretins! They are unfit to be in the company of such unequaled beauty. Be away with them and I shall show you... paradise!" Lepant, as was his style, completely ignored the gnome's request.
"Listen, can you show us the way through these woods?" Mariana, meanwhile, clung helplessly to Gorn, while Sheenami frowned at the gnome.
"We're trying to reach the Elf Kingdom..." Eugene offered.
"Are you lost! Oh, lost are you? Hoo hoo hoo! It is not wise to come into these woods if you don't know the way," Puttirust warned as his expression turned to a wicked grin. "This forest is full of wicked wraiths, barbaric kobolds, and who knows what else. You are truly, truly lucky to find such a generous and kind specimen like myself. But even then, I don't like to just give away free help to just anybody."
All those things sounded perfectly okay to Lepant, who had a craving for pudding and adventure, but the others weren't so sure. Mariana caved first, as was her way. She knelt tearfully next to the gnome, gazing pleadingly into his eyes.
"Oh, mister Puttirust, sir, it would be ever so nice of you to help us...*sniff*...Please?" The tears in her eyes reflected the PURE PURE LOVE in her heart, and somehow, she became irresistable. Puttirust raised an eyebrow and nodded swiftly.
"The elf kingdom you say? I am going that way, returning home after many adventures of love and romance in the north." he said.
"Adventures!!" Lepant cried heartily. "Then you can...JOIN THE PARTY!"
"Join the party?" Puttirust repeated warily. "I suppose so, I shall lead you on the Secret Path of the Lawn Gnome. Which will allow us to avoid those filthy kobolds."
"Lead on, brave gnome. We shall follow you to the ends of the earth!" Lepant said, pointing in a random direction.
Puttirust looked around to gather his whereabouts. He then pointed in a direction that seemed the likeliest of ways. The woods seemed thicker down there and no apparent path existed.
"The Path of the Lawn Gnome, yes." the gnome said, "There are many other names for it, but this one was named for my great ancestor Plutonius Thedorune IXVII. Oh yes, now there was a great gnome, for he stood a staggering three foot three. A giant among gnomes he was..."
"Ahem, sir..." Eugene interjected, "I'm just curious, but... is this path suitable for HUMAN use? I mean, it doesn't seem like there's any path at all..."
"Nonsense, Eugene! I'm sure it's perfect!" Lepant insisted. He was not about to let the whiny ninja wannabe discourage the gnome from guiding them straight to adventure. There were babes to be found, and damn if he wasn't gonna find any.
"That's right Lephane, this path is perfectly safe," Puttirust replied. "Except, of course for all the wraiths. Which brings me back to Plutonius..." Mariana stopped short.
"The WHATS??" she cried. "That sounds dangerous and un-filled with love..."
"Wraiths," Puttirust replied, as if that explained that all away. "Now Plutonius is my ancestor on both sides of my family, which happened by an interesting chance..."
"Don't worry, Mari..." Gorn assured his girlfriend. "I'll slay anything that tries to touch you." Lepant cocked an eyebrow. "ANYTHING??" he asked off-handedly.
"Yes." Gorn replied pointedly.
Curses.
******
They walked along the legendary Path of the Lawn Gnome, mostly in silence. Lepant could barely contain himself. Here they were, on a true ADVENTURE! Ahem, [ADVENTURE]. They ducked under mossy tree branches and hopped over small streams. Finally, they were getting somewhere. Puttirust only got slapped on the hand three times for trying to 'sample' a pinch of Sheenami's butt, before they realized that the forest had become darker than before.
"I wonder...is this the right way? I'm not feeling the love I would were we near actual elves." Mariana pouted.
"Yes, yes it is. Look ahead there. Ah! Now we are on the legendary Path of the Lawn Gnome. Well, we will be. Up ahead the road splits two ways. One way will take you to the kbold village, where those loathsome kobolds dwell. The other path will take us to elf-land, after we pass the wraiths," Puttirust explained as they slowly approached the split in the road. He looked unsure about what it was, then quickly pointed to the left. "Now old Plutonius Thedorune was lost in these woods for a good three weeks before he finally broke out..."
"Enough about your ancestors, already." Sheenami said irritably, but Lepant was enthralled. This was a true tale of valor, spanning generations! His parents would never be able to stand it.
As Puttirust continued to entail all the peculiar pieces of information about his ancestry, he inadvertantly took the right path. Which, of course, was the right path. As gnomes have a horrible sense of direction on such matters. Though no one realized it, Eugene and Wolfgang (who had been walking ahead of Puttirust) took the path he had pointed to.
"... and with great strength Plutonius told the Baker Devil... oh! Look!" Puttirust pointed ahead at a strange figure standing by a tree. "That's a wraith!"
The entire group gasped in horror, but it turned out to be nothing but an oddly shaped stump. Lepant was disappointed. How were they going to slay evil if no evil showed up?
They had only continued a few yards before a blood-curdling scream split the air. It was definitely of a female nature. Lepant and Gorn snapped to attention.
"Damsel in Distress!" Lepant said, in awe. He was getting LUCKY today! Sheenami grabbed his shoulder as he was about to charge ahead. "Wait! Wait, Lepant... what if it's a trick of the Wraiths...? I hear they steal human souls...!" she warned him. Lepant did not hear. He raised his ivory dagger to the sky and charged.
"To the rescue!" he bellowed.
Puttirust considered---if that scream was wraiths, he would dazzle these maidens with his skills. But if this was a 'damsel in distress', he'd have even more maidens to choose from. At last he made his choice. "We have no choice but to find out!"
Gorn and Puttirust launched themselves after Lepant, weapons waving. Mariana, who was as useful as a melting snowman when Gorn was not at her side, wailed pitifully and ran after them. Sheenami reluctantly followed, not even realizing then that Eugene and Wolfgang were no longer with them.
Crashing through the underbrush, Lepant stopped short at the sight before him. It was not what he expected, but...DAMN.
Two young elven girls were standing in the forest. One had short, purple hair, and was dressed in white robes. There was a knife tucked underneath a belt around her waist. The other was wearing the same style of breezy white robes, but had long blue hair, and a flower tucked behind her pointed ear. Her violet eyes were wide with fright. She was hiding behind the first one, obviously afraid.
The purple-haired elf was looking around, almost as scared-looking as her friend. She saw Lepant and the others and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank the gods, adventurers." She breathed. "Excuse us, sir, but could you possibly give us a hand?" Lepant certainly agreed that she had said the magic words, but he couldn't find his tongue. The gnome jumped in instead.
"Ah, beautiful elvish maidens. We came ere the sound of screams with the intent of helping. Verily I (and these humans too) will do whatever you need in assistance," Puttirust replied smoothly. "We are but your servants, maidens. Would you graciously bestow upon me your names so that I may forever cherish them in the depths of my heart?"
"Ah...my name is Sylvina, and this is my friend Violet...could we possibly save more introductions for later? I'm afraid there's a Wraith nearby." The purple-haired elf answered nervously.
"Then let us put away courtesies! But for now, simply refer to me as Putt, these humans are Elepants, Mariana, Sheenami, and...erm...some nameless, shirtless brute who you doubtless have no time to dwell on. What help may we offer?" Puttirust replied in earnest.
Lepant could barely breathe. ELF-BABES. TWO elf-babes! Did it get any better? He stepped forward, realizing now would be the perfect opportunity to take advantage of their situation, while still helping them.
"I am Lepant, a hearty adventurer, and I have the perfect solution for your problem! My grandfather gave me special [Wraith-Repelling Armor] that one of you could wear. The problem is, only one of you can." he said in one giant breath.
Sylvina hesitated. "Violet can take it. She needs it more than I do, I'm further in my Resurrection Rune studies than she is." She held up her hand, where the faint outline of a Resurrection Rune could be seen. Violet eagerly nodded, stepping forward.
"Bring on your armor, human warrior!" she said. Lepant produced the chainmail bikini from his knapsack. Violet and Sylvina stared at it, blankly.
"It...doesn't look special. Are you sure?" Violet inquired. Sylvina stared at the armour.
"That...doesn't look like it offers much protection against Wraiths...or much protection at all..." she pointed out. Puttirust raised an eyebrow and looked at the chainmail and grinned knowingly at Lepant.
His expression then changed to amazement, "By the runes! This be legendary chainmail, I've heard many tales of it! Why even my ancestor Plutonius Thedorune knew of it!" At the mention of the name Plutonius Thedorune, Sheenami let out a hearty groan. Would it never end?
"Of...of course. Legendary. Like my mother's meat-hacking skills. I promise." Lepant supplied heartily.
"I...I guess it...couldn't hurt..." Violet said somewhat doubtfully, running a finger across the 'armor'. "It seems dreadfully impractical, though." Sylvina looked around.
"M-Maybe we could find our way back while these warriors hold off the Wraiths. We do know our way around the forest, after all." She was unknowingly tugging on Violet's sleeve, as if trying to get her to come away from these strange, straaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaange adventurers.
Sheenami cleared her throat. "I hate to interrupt, but speaking of knowing the way through the forest---which undoubtedly you two do---has anyone else noticed the distinct lack of either Eugene or Wolfgang? What happened to them??" Lepant looked around in surprise. Sure enough, they were conspicuously missing.
Gorn suddenly began panicking.
"Where's Mariana?! She was right here next to me!" he cried. Lepant began to feel scared at that moment. What if...his friends were getting picked off, one by one, without them noticing? Being carted into the black forest depths to the lair of an evil brainwashing siren, who wanted nothing more than sex-slaves with which to do as she pleased? All day long? Well, on second thought, that didn't sound too shabby.
Sylvina grew concerned.
"This is not a good place to lose someone, especially at this time...I'm afraid it might be likely a Wraith has carried your friends off."
"No, no! Not Mari! Er...and the others!" Gorn wailed.
"We have to go rescue Mariana, Eugene, and Wolfgang!" Lepant said steadfastly. "Erm, but, considering the immediate danger level, don't you think you should change into that armor? Like, right now??" He pulled a loaf of bread from his knapsack and began casually chewing on it as someone does with popcorn when getting ready to watch a show of some kind. Sylvina turned and looked at Lepant in shock, but then looked thoughtful.
"You'll need a guide; I see you have a gnome, but I'd be able to track them faster." She turned to Violet. "Vi, are you coming, or...er..." She hesitated. "Are you going to take these people up on their...'armour' offer?"
Violet glanced somewhat distastefully at the lecherous eyes of Puttirust, who was grinning widely.
"I...uh...yes, I'll change, but...perhaps I'll catch up with you, Sylvina. I mean, if you're comfortable going alone." Violet ignored the fact that it was she who would be alone, considering the one with the gnome around to be in more of a 'risky situation.'
"Indeed, you ought to go ahead," Puttirust interrupted as his grin widened. "Lepant, my friend, you ought to go with Sylvina. But I will stay here, so that Violet is not taken while changing. It would be a pity if she were stolen before she was clad to be defended from wraiths. When she is done, the two of us shall catch up to you."
Sylvina turned her gaze of shock to Putt. Violet frowned visibly, however.
"I don't think so. Aren't you supposed to be helping guide them? After all, Sylvina doesn't know what their friends look like, so could be tricked by wraiths without your help." She self-consciously held her hands over her body as if she was concealing something though she was fully clothed. Lepant supposed gnomes made people feel dirty like that. Heh, dirty. Very kinky.
"Now now. Do not mistake me, dear maiden. It would be unheard of to let these young impressionable folks stay for that. And we cannot delay the rescue of Mariana and it would be a terrible loss to lose the armor. We must put the interests of our friends above our own." the gnome insisted.
"I don't care who wears what, when! Let's just go, okay? Mari's in danger!" Gorn whined, tugging at the gnome and Lepant. Sylvina realized she had to act now, or they'd be stuck here arguing about this for a long time and it would be too late for the people the Wraiths had taken.
"Excuse me, friends, but we really don't have time. Violet will be able to find us when she's done, and your friends are in danger. Where did we last remember seeing these people? That would be a good starting point."
"I saw Mariana right HERE!" Gorn said impatiently.
"Well, I remember seeing Eugene and Wolfgang hours ago, at the latest." Sheenami added.
Lepant noticed something amidst all the arguing. Then he stopped staring at Sylvina's chest and noticed something else. On the fringe of the clearing they were standing in, was a dark and sinister looking portion of the woods. There was a sign posted at its edge.
"Say, guys. How about over here?" he said cheerfully, gesturing at the sign. They all looked up. It read, McWraith's Inner Sanctum: Come now for GREAT DEALS! Sylvina blinked.
"That's...awfully flashy for a Wraith."
"A great lead!" Puttirust exclaimed. "It reminds me of the time when Plutonius Thedorune was caught by the wraiths..."
"Flashy, you say?" Lepant said, looking hopefully over at Violet. "Well, it's our only lead. I say we blindly follow it!"
"A-Are you sure just going in is a good idea?" Sylvina said, hesitating. But Gorn had already charged on in, and Lepant was gearing up to follow.
"Sure, sure. We can defeat any Wraiths we meet with [Heroic Resolve], right?" Lepant said confidently. Sylvina blinked.
"I-If you say so..." she said uncertainly.
Puttirust had a mental debate on how much maiden action he may get from going in or not going in. At last he followed Lepant and Gorn. Sheenami turned to Sylvina, shrugged, and followed the gnome. Sylvina stood there for a moment.
"A Resurrection Rune might be of use..." She turned to Violet. "Maybe we should go help?"
"You go on ahead, Sylvina. I'll change into the Wraith repelling armor and follow..." Violet replied.
"Uh...if you're sure it'll help..." Sylvina glanced at the armour, then followed the others.
******
As they walked into the Inner Sanctum, or the path to such a place, Sylvina dutifully explained to the adventurers all she knew about Wraiths.
"Wraiths thrive on the souls of living beings." She explained. "They can search a person's memory and then extract images of loved ones to appear before a person, which then gets them close enough to steal the soul of the unfortunate, and, well...eat it. So, if you see anyone, familiar outside of this group, ignore them. They will try to lure you away, so you must not let them get to you."
Lepant raised his hand as if in a classroom. "I have a question."
Sylvina saw Lepant. "Yes?"
"Is the way a Wraith extracts a human soul in some way sexual? I mean, do they siphon it out through the---er, well, yes. Is it sexual? And do they like, COOK it to eat it?" he asked honestly. After all, one had to know these things so one could assess the risks one was willing to take. Like getting sexual with a Wraith. Sylvina blinked, and then started to go red.
"N-No, it isn't anything like that." She stammered, blushing furiously. "Just...don't go near anyone you recognize who isn't in this group."
Apparently her warning had not hit home soon enough, for Puttirust's voice floated over to them rather loudly from somewhere off the path.
"Yes, my dear, I assure you that I am the man for you. This height isn't a coincidence, no---it runs in my family. I am the greatest of the Thedorune line, which, may I once again assure you, was bred for this day. Milady--" the gnome announced loudly to a lovely-looking female figure whose face was obscured. Lepant noticed right away that she looked somewhat...wispy...around the edges. Sheenami gasped.
"Puttirust, get away from there!"
Sylvina reacted quickly. She spun around, raised her arm and let loose a Scolding that would miss Putt and hit the Wraith full on.
The wispy woman let out an unholy howl and dissipated. Puttirust seemed dismayed.
"Why, madam, you don't have to react so scornfully to my advances. I am a man of honor!" With that, the gnome turned to another rapidly-materializing figure. Lepant knew there had to be another way to get him back to reality.
"A threesome, you say?" he announced loudly. "Those breasts, Sylvina, so firm! Shouldn't we let the gnome cop a feel?" Sheenami reddened furiously, and Gorn's jaw dropped. But Lepant knew what he was doing. Sylvina went several shades redder.
"S-Sir!" She gasped.
Sure enough, though, the gnome bounced right back over, and was quite disappointed when he found out that he had been deceived. Together once more, the group pressed on, until finally, it seemed they had reached the Inner Sanctum.
******
The scene before them was a strange one. Mariana was tied to a tangle of ancient tree roots with a rope that was glowing oddly. Standing before her was a ghostly looking man with slicked back hair and a set of robes that looked like they were stuffed with goods.
Lepant gasped in terror and had to physically hold Gorn back (no easy task), to avoid blowing their cover. It took a moment to realize that the Wraith-man did not appear to be stealing Mari's soul, but rather, ...selling her something?
"What's it doing, Sylvina?" Sheenami hissed. Sylvina was staring.
"I...don't know..." she muttered, completely baffled.
"You young folk are so uneducated some times, really," muttered Puttirust. "Can't you see it? He's seducing her---slowly, gently. Warming her to the idea of being forever joined with him. Ahhh, yes. That's the ticket." Gorn stared at the gnome, furious.
"That's not 'the ticket'!" he gushed angrily. "That's her soul we're talking about!"
"Picky, picky..." Puttirust muttered. Sylvina turned to Gorn and Putt.
"Please, gentlemen, quiet is essential." she whispered. Lepant nodded to Gorn, and he shut up, reluctantly. They listened in on what the 'man' was saying.
"It's like this." he proclaimed. "I can see from your constant wailing about this boyfriend of yours that you're a woman with romantic ideals. Tell you what I'm gonna do! Now, cuz, I mean, I like you, and trust me---McWraith here does not like EVERYONE! This is strictly a special deal, understand?" Mariana whimpered something about Gorn in response. McWraith continued, "I----for no charge whatsoever---will allow you to come with me on a special, magical journey. The details are quite insubstantial, I assure you, but you will never be without that romantic feeling again! Whaddya say to that??"
It slowly dawned on Lepant what was happening.
"Sheenami, is it just me, or does it seem like that Wraith is selling the idea of having her soul eaten by him to Mariana?" Sheenami blinked.
"I...I think you're right." Puttirust scowled.
"I told you he was seducing her! And I thought I had her, too." Gorn glared at the gnome. Sylvina was watching the Wraith.
"It certainly appears to be a rare specimen...it's not like other Wraiths I've heard about. Too...subtle."
"That's enough!" Gorn cried, jumping into full view, "Mariana, I am here to rescue you, and anyone who stands in my way can go to hell!" Lepant cursed his own stupidity. Why hadn't HE prematurely revealed himself? It was the ideal moment to toss off a magnificent one-liner!
Lepant, Sheenami, Sylvina and Puttirust had no choice but to reveal themselves to their foe, lest Gorn be left to fend for himself.
"What's this? Customers??" McWraith said cheerily, as they emerged from the bushes. Sylvina sighed, and stepped out of the hiding place, but keeping herself behind the fighters.
"Something ailing you?" McWraith asked eagerly.
"Yeah. Your face." Gorn replied bitterly. "Let her GO." Lepant was astounded at how much Gorn resembled a True Hero, and thought he'd better hurry if he wanted a cut of the action. He shoved Sylvina to the front.
"That's right, Wraith! Back off or this Elf Wizardess---looking particularly lovely today, I might add---will unleash her holy powers on you!" Sylvina froze, coming face-to-face with a Wraith.
"S-S-S-Sir, I u-u-u-used up my last Scolding on the p-p-path." she stammered.
"Scolding," Puttirust chuckled gleefully. "How naughty." Lepant seemed unconcerned as well.
"Is that bad? Go on, don't be shy. Unleash your Holy Magic! Hopefully the force of it will disentigrate that lovely outfit you're wearing (slurp), but if not, we'll still be victorious." Sylvina was still frozen, her eyes stuck on the Wraith.
"N-No, it was the o-only spell I h-have currently. I'm p-p-p-past Theory, b-b-b-but I haven't c-c-c-c-completed the actual s-s-s-spell training yet." she sputtered.
McWraith turned his eager gaze on the young elf girl.
"Lack of spells got you down? Need a magical boost?? Try new STAYING-AT-THE-INN-IN-A-CAN!" the ethereal man-shaped creature announced, producing a can from somewhere in his robes. "Try some, young lady! I guarantee you'll love it!" He offered the can to Sylvina cheerfully. Sylvina glanced down at the item in the ghost-like creature's hand, then quickly back up where she could see it.
"N-N-No, t-t-t-t-thank you...HeresirmaybeyoushouldhandleitnowI'vedoneeverythingIcan." she said hurriedly, diving around Lepant, to get out of the Wraith's way.
"Oh yes! A "Staying-At-The-Inn-In-A-Can", very rare indeed," Puttirust noted. "You know, my ancestor Plutonius Thedorune had many adventures dealing with salesmen, why I recall the time when he..." McWraith swooped on Puttirust.
"Excellent! Sir, I can see you are in great need of some superb shoe-lifts. Watch as your new height wins over even the most reluctant ladies! Care to try some?" he pitched.
"Ah yes! Now that is an idea I could go for!" Puttirust said excitedly. "How much, how much?"
"Well, I like you, and McWraith doesn't like just anybody, so I'll give you a special deal. The lifts can be yours for a simple payment of sixty-four bits, plus shipping and handling." The wraith looked thoughtful for a moment. "Oh, and your soul." the wraith said generously.
"My soul. I don't know about that," Puttirust replied. "I rather like my soul, you know." Sheenami had had enough, however. She stomped to the front of the group and leveled a finger at McWraith. "This is ridiculous! I hate to point this out, but aren't you a wraith? Why are you trying to sell us all this JUNK?! I thought wraiths just TOOK people's souls!" she exploded. Mariana and Sylvina gasped in horror at this obvious attempt to get them all killed, but Lepant admired Sheenami's spirit and straightforward nature. And her body. Yes, her body. Mmm, body.
McWraith, to their surprise, hung his head in shame.
"Well, I'm not your average wraith, I suppose. Never been very good at the whole soul-stealing bit... In fact, I've only ever gotten one. He was an enthusiastic salesman. I guess his personality..." he explained. "Just kind of took over my being! What can I say? I'm one of a kind. Does that mean I don't deserve...[LOVE]?" he said tragically. Syl peeked out from around Lepant, her gaze softening somewhat.
"That poor thing...being all alone in this world..." A pause. "I wish there was something we could do for you, besides giving you our souls, but...the fact remains, you are a Wraith."
"Perhaps, but all creatures deserve," Puttirust began as his eyes gazed down below Sylvina's face. "Love."
Lepant felt that the wraith had a point, but he was confused. This was supposed to be a detestable monster, fresh and ready to be SLAIN, but here it was talking about LOVE. Well, if it meant sex, he agreed totally. Gorn had not been fazed by the wraith's speech, and Sheenami looked somewhat undecided, but Mariana had absolutely crumbled.
"Ohhh, Mr. Wraith~!" she sobbed, "I had no idea! I...I would gladly give anything to keep Love, Courage, and Hope alive in this world! Even my pure pure heart shatters at the thought of one creature without the warmth of LOVE!"
Sheenami and Gorn gasped in horror--Mariana was two seconds away from giving her soul away to the wraith! But before she could finish her heart-warming speech, a figure fell from the treetops into their midst. It was most definitely the elven girl, Violet, clad----Lepant's heart skipped a beat---in the chainmail bikini. She landed in a sexy crouching position, and whipped her hair back out of her face, and stood up, scowling at McWraith.
"You're going down!---ack. Sorry." she said, checking her bikini top, "Thought something popped out there. Y'know, this thing is REALLY tight." She reddened slightly.
"Oh ho ho! But the tightness is a good thing," Puttirust exclaimed after wiping away the drool. "The tighter the better-" He realized, of course, that they may question the logic behind that. "Because, as you know, it means it protects all the better, elf maiden!"
"Y-yes!" agreed Lepant. "I..I...CHAINMAIL. IT IS PROTECTION. FOR THE BODY." He went off into a trance-like stare and said no more. Violet frowned at the gnome.
"I'm beginning to doubt its 'protection'. Look, look! My midriff is completely exposed, as are my arms, legs...nearly everything! And it's uncomfortable, too!" She looked pleadingly at Sylvina.
Sylvina was doing her best to not look directly at Violet, and had indeed gone several shades redder in the face than she had been before Violet's entrance.
"W-Well, we should trust these adventurers...I have trouble believing they wouldn't have offered one of us the *ahem* armour if it didn't protect from the Wraiths." she reasoned. McWraith, who had been looking Violet up and down looking for a way to use some kind of sales pitch, snapped to attention.
"Er...Anti-Wraith Armor? ...May I interest you folks in some AntiAntiWraith Armor? It's much better. Cuz, see, there's two 'antis', thus, more power." he said desperately.
"I don't think so." Sheenami said flatly. Violet, caught up in the moment, backflipped over to Mariana (Lepant nearly lost an eye from that one) and stood defiantly.
"Give it up, Dark Creature. With this armor, you can't touch me." she said.
"This isn't fair." McWraith pouted, "I know I'm not talented enough to get you all! I have to ease slowly into these things! You have to BUY the idea! But if you won't, I'll have to call some of my stronger friends." The wraith raised his arms, and vanished for a second, re-appearing in a wispy, intangible form, before reverting to the ghostly salesman guise. "Come to me, my brothers! Come one and come all! This deal lasts for a limited time only at participating locations."
The air turned cold. Floating in from all directions, white, flame-shaped lights materialized, forming into vaguely human shapes. One of them hissed.
"I see you have trapped us many victims, McWraith," it said in an unholy whisper. Sylvina shrieked, taking in all the Wraiths appearing.
"Madra, protect us! We're going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she wailed. Mariana fainted, and Sheenami gripped her dagger in terror. Lepant was beginning to feel the adrenaline rush of adventure, but then it dawned on him what real danger he was in. He froze up. Violet stared down the nearest one.
"Hah! You can't hurt me! ...Wait. This bikini's not glowing or hurting them or anything. What's wrong??" she noted. Puttirust, who was so fixed on the chainmail he hadn't even really noticed the wraiths, shrugged.
"It's...ah...subtle defense." he supplied shiftily.
The first of the wraiths began to change and despite Puttirust's fascination of Violet's attire, what he saw was far more desirable. The wraith took the form of a one Sarah Onett, a human maiden he had met on one of his journey years ago. The most beautiful women he had ever met (and hardest hitting too), she was curved perfectly and generously endowed. Even though she did not have chain-mail on, Puttirust (as well as Lepant) had their eyes quite fixated on her. It did not, strangely enough, occur to Puttirust that he ought to have been seeing some of his gnome relatives.
Sheenami gasped and strode forward a few steps as the figure of her late mother appeared before her.
"M-Mom..." she murmured, tears in her eyes.
Sylvina blinked as one of the wraiths transformed into her father.
"D-Dad...?" The wraith beckoned her forward, his arms open for an embrace. Unknowingly, she started forward, then realizing, forced herself back, tearing herself apart as her father's face took on a look of hurt and betrayal. Violet looked around in horror. Her friends---okay, her friend---were being deceived! Why wasn't the chainmail repelling the wraiths?? But, before she could spring into action, something odd happened.
Apparently the wraiths, though better at their jobs than McWraith, who was fiddling with the shoe lifts he had offered Puttirust, were not used to so many victims at once. In the middle of trying to seduce one person, they...changed again.
The buxom babe luring Puttirust ever forward with lust in her eyes suddenly twitched, and morphed into the spitting image of Lepant's grandfather.
"Grandpop!" he called happily. The gnome's reaction was decidedly different. Puttirust, who had been lulled by this beautiful vixen (despite the fact she should be long dead and still not happy to see him) was utterly horrified to see her change ito a hideous old man. In an attempt to remove the horrible change from his mind, he contended himself to watching the distressed (and sexy) Violet.
Sheenami shrieked in terror as her mother made the miraculous transformation into Gorn's long-lost puppy dog, Waggy.
"M-mo--WHAT?" she cried, backing up and coming to her senses. Gorn immediately began looking for a stick for the dog to fetch. Meanwhile, despite her great resolve to resist, Sylvina found herself creeping ever closer to the image of her father. That is, until it changed abruptly into the image of McWraith, who was standing a little too close anyway.
"Sorry about that." McWraith said cheerfully to his colleague.
Sylvina shrieked and threw herself backwards. Unfortunately, she wasn't exactly looking where she was going in her terror, and she threw herself into Violet.
Suddenly, it happened. Just as more wraiths were starting to take on the forms of precious loved ones. Just as Gorn was throwing a stick to the dog trying to fetch his spirit from him; just as Lepant was about to give his grandfather a soul-losing hug---The chainmail bikini invoked its Wraith-repelling powers of legend.
...That was because Violet's top fell off. Shrieking, she moved her arms to cover herself, but the damage was done.
Puttirust gasped as he saw the brief exposure of Violet's bosom. If not for Sylvina in the way, he would have gone to her immediately. Instead he said the only thing that came to mind, "My father was right, elvish breasts truly are greater than any others!"
Sylvina had just about had it with these people.
"You...beastly people! Have you no respect! Get me a cloak, or something NOW!" She stood resolutely in front of Violet, arms outstretched to either side, blocking any view of her friend. She looked frantically around for the top. In the meantime..."Get her something to cover up! A cloak, the top, anything! Just hurry!"
Lepant was in no condition to be finding anyone a cloak, nor could he ever want to. Before that moment, his greatest memory ever had been the day he had eaten half of the food at the family reunion picnic (the biscuits stood most prominently in his mind), but now...now... The image of elf-tits would be forever etched in its place. The wraiths had a much different reaction, however. The loss of Violet's top had exposed, among obvious other things, a talisman she had around her neck, that had been tucked into the top of the chainmail bikini.
The inconspicuous rock necklace began to glow ominously, and the wraiths shrieked in horror, fleeing into the woods. The only one left unaffected was McWraith, who realized he was suddenly alone and fled as well. Violet, mortified already, was now confused.
"W-what's going on?! My necklace is..." she cried.
"A real Wraith-killing charm! Thank the gods!" Sheenami gasped. Lepant had quite another reaction.
"Amazing! Elven tits kill wraiths? The holy energy! [ADVENTURE]!!" he cheered, ecstatic. He could feel the power build up in his body...the power of ADVENTURE! ...Although, considering the circumstances, perhaps it was something else altogether.
Puttirust, eager always for more, quickly joined in with Lepant, "Sylvina! Quickly, you must do the same before the wraiths return!"
Syl watched the wraiths vanish and then began to grow excited, ignoring the gnome.
"Vi, you had a Wraith charm all along? You ROCK! Lemme see, lemme see!" In her excitement, she turned around to examine the necklace, then gasped, and turned around again, blushing. "...sorry." she muttered.
"It's nothing YOU haven't seen before, Syl..." Violet muttered, still covering herself self-consciously. "I left my robes back at the other clearing. I think I'll go get them now."
Gorn was still wondering confusedly where his dog had gone when he saw Violet go by.
"Wha---hell, she lost her top? Where was I?! Wait, come back, show me too!" Sheenami hit him on the head. "Ow," he whined. She pointed severely at his unconscious girlfriend.
"You. Go. NOW." she commanded. He obeyed.
Mariana's eyes fluttered open as soon as Gorn knelt at her side, which Sheenami found very deliberate. She gasped sweetly, but didn't move, obviously waiting for Gorn to rescue her.
"Mariana!" he cried happily. Simple things made Gorn very happy most of the time. She wept with joy.
"Gorn, I knew you'd come for me. I was so lost without you." she said happily, leaping into his arms. It was all very happy and good. Lepant wondered why on earth they weren't screwing like rabbits, however, or at least settling down to a celebratory meal. Were they nuts?
Sheenami stood in the awkward silence for a moment before clapping her hands together.
"Well! Um...I guess that's that. Thanks for your help, all of you." Lepant couldn't have been more pleased.
"Victory!!" he cheered.
Violet returned, dressed, to the disappointment of all without a purely perverted mind, in her original robes. She held the remains of the 'armor' as if it was a dead animal.
"You can have THIS back." she said distastefully. Lepant frowned.
"No, Elf-Maiden Violet," he said dramatically, "I insist you take it and treasure it as a token of our meeting, forevermore. Okay?" He smiled vapidly. Sylvina leaned over to Violet.
"Keep it." she whispered. At this, Violet turned and looked at her, shocked. "Do you really want somebody else going through what you just did?" she finished, cutting off a response. She gave a disapproving glance at Lepant. Violet got the point.
"I shall..um...treasure it. Forever." she said. Lepant leaped forward and hugged her tightly.
"I shall miss your company, companion. The days will darken in my heart until I see you---" He was interrupted as Sheenami yanked him off of the poor elven girl.
"That's quite enough." she said.
Lepant, now that he was filled to the brim with adventure, pondered the next step.
"I think we should go looking for our missing comrades, Eugene and Wolfgang." Sheenami and the others nodded in agreement. "But we are but humans. We'll need a ...guide of some sort. To prevent getting lost." He eyed the elves hungrily. Syl glared at Lepant.
"No, I'm sure your gnome friend can help with that. I've seen Wraiths, and I can say my parents and Grandpa Talfir were right. Violet and I have to be getting back before we're missed. Good day, sir." she said. She turned to Violet. "I think we're done here, right?"
Violet fingered her charm necklace thoughtfully and nodded.
"I think we've done all we can in the way of...er...priestesses in training." She blushed slightly.
Sylvina nodded. "Then we should be going." She nodded, a bit curtly to Lepant and Puttirust, and then started heading down the forest path back towards elven lands. Violet cast one speculative look back at Lepant, smirked, and followed her friend.
"We shall miss your company, elf-maidens," Puttirust shouted as they left. "If ever you are in gnome country, be sure to look up the Thedorunes!" Mariana began to weep.
"What's the matter?" Gorn asked her.
"Oh...it's just...whenever a friend leaves us, a little bit of the love in my Heart dies each time...that, and no one knows the woods like an elf, so how will we EVER find the others?" she cried.
"How indeed, I wonder!" Puttirust exclaimed. "For I have already been delayed from my return home. But it would be poor gnomish manners if I left you all here to be eaten by kobolds!" Mariana, whose neckline had been somewhat 'expanded' after getting caught on a tree branch, sobbed gratefully.
"You would lend us your aid once more, Noble Gnome? Oh, thank you! From the Bottom of my Heart!" She flew into his arms, and hugged him tightly.
Putirust thoroughly enjoyed the hug and tried to wrap his arms around her to hold her in an embrace. But of course his arms were too short, which brought him back to his wretched quest to end the horrible shortness of his family. But that was another story and the hug ended too soon for his liking. At last, after gathering his wits, he turned to the young humans.
"Now, when we took the fork in the road, they must have went the wrong way. If they did, they are probably in the Kobold Village. Instead of reaching there by the forest path, we can continue on the Path of the Lawn Gnome and then turn north to enter the village."
"Marvelous!" Lepant said excitedly, "It's settled then! Shall we be on our way, Puttirust, Warrior Gnome Extraordinaire?" He grinned widely. The wind of Dramatic Journey was beginning to pick up again.
Puttirust eagerly agreed, especially after the sensational hug and the ego-building compliment. He turned to Lepant as the others started on ahead,
"My boy! You showed a most excellent quality when dealing with those elf-maidens." the gnome said with a grin. Lepant beamed at this. Sheenami arched an eyebrow, but said nothing.
"The chainmail bikini was a most ingenius idea, worthy of gnomish thinking, too. If only more humans thought more of love and less on such silly things as war. But you, indeed, have the heart of a gnome in you. For your more excellent qualities, I name you gnome-friend."
"With this coin," Puttirust continued. He removed a necklace that had been concealed by his beard. On the necklace was attached a gold coin, on one side was a 'P' and the other a 'T'. "You shall be known by all gnomes and earn their friendship!"
Sheenami rolled her eyes, but Lepant was forever changed in that moment. Now, he felt, he was a true [Adventurer]. He gladly accepted the coin and thanked the gnome. Turning to his companions, he heartily charged forward into the forest, seeking his way in life.
After fifteen minutes, he remembered the gnome was supposed to be showing them the way and found his way back. And, so it went.
******
Lepant crossed his arms in a gesture of finality and pride as his finished telling his tale. He grinned at them.
"So, eh, what'd you think of that? Your old man's not so bad now, is he?" he cackled.
Sheena could feel his ears burning. It would be embarrassing enough to hear that tale, but his father! Doing all those...things. He would never live it down.
"Uh...dad, whatever happened to the vow to never embarrass your kids, huh?" he asked sheepishly. Lepant guffawed, and Giovanni glanced at Sheena with an expression of sympathy, while also stealing the campfire implements.
"I've never broken it! As you can see, I am completely WITH IT when it comes to adventure. I would never do to you what your grandparents did to me, son! Guffawhaha!" Lepant said cheerfully, "Biscuit, anyone?"
Sheena exchanged a glance with Ozzie, and shook his head. Would his father's terrible, terrible horrors never end?
"I think I'll...ah...relieve myself." Sheena said, looking for any excuse to get out by himself for a bit.
"Good boy, Sheena! Way to use the potty!" Lepant cheered, victory-posing. Haley's jaw dropped.
"WHAT??"
"Oops. Sorry. I've been busy talking about old times so much, I forgot myself! Don't zip it, either, then." Lepant said, winking, as if he thought himself clever to use the word 'it' as if no one else knew what he meant but Sheena. The teen just sighed and left the campfire.
He was about to do what he said he would do, when someone emerged from the bushes, scaring the life out of him.
"Ack! Who's there??"
"I...I am ...Lionel, servant...of...the Princess...Marmalade..." a horribly injured man coughed. "You...you must save...the Princess..." He collapsed on the ground.
"Uhhh...hey, someone! There's a hurt guy over here!" Sheena called. Soon, everyone was at his side.
"This...this is the [Crest of Nugentshireham]!" Lepant gasped, "Princess Marmalade must have been captured!!"
"Quit speaking in brackets, you psycho." Giovanni snapped. "It makes me ill."
Sheena nearly collapsed, himself. No, no. It couldn't be. Another one of his father's tales had come to life, and this time...he was going to be a part of it. He could hardly stand it.
"We must rescue her!" Lepant said, as Sheena knew he would.
Sighing, Sheena resolved to get a good night's sleep before what would surely be a horribly unfortunate day. He laid back to dream, trying to purge all thoughts of Lepant's past from his mind before he drifted off.
When he had dreams about Kent riding a chainmail bikini like a dragon two minutes later, he knew he had failed.
