"Don't stop..." Sheena murmured softly. She didn't. Gazing at him with her eyes full of longing, she took a deep, cleavage-bearing breath, and kissed him with fiery passion.
How he had met the buxom underwear model was an incredible tale filled with feats of his own daring, and such things that would make people like timid old ladies blush with prudish fury. Oh yeah, baby. He had totally kicked the ass of that robber-baron, Robber Von Baron, before sweeping the sexy model off her feet---onto his mighty steed, Mighty Steed, and riding off into the sunset with her to make hot, sweaty, passionate love. It was a thing of beauty.
"Uh, hey there, babe..." he said, frowning. "I don't remember you having been so...uhm...scaley, before. Y'know, when I rescued you?"
"Why are you staring at me like that? Are all you humans like this?" the underwear model said in a very deep, very MALE voice.
Sheena, sex-god of the world, snapped out of his latest fantasy to find himself staring into the grim, not-so-happy face of the hulking creature known only as Lozzamer. Startled, he would've jumped back a few steps, except that he wasn't standing on the ground. He was lashed to that dragon, Solomon, who was lumbering along a dirt path that certainly didn't seem to be in familiar territory anymore.
Suddenly, it all came flooding back. The Matilda Knights trying to rescue them. That confounded goblin, Grundylicious, and his dragon. The freaky stun-stare powers of Lozzamer, who had showed up and brutally killed most of the knights in question. That idiot, Kent.
Sheena immediately began struggling, to no avail.
"Let me go!" he cried. "You're making a terrible mistake! The women of the world will never forgive you for this!" .
"That's a stupid thing to assume." Grundy piped in that annoyingly...pipey voice of his. Sheena found that his hatred for his pipsqueak of a captor was renewing itself.
"You don't want the women of the world at your doorstep in angry-mob form, now do you?" Sheena challenged.
"I didn't see any women jumping to rescue you back in the village, INFIDEL!" Grundy cackled.
"Why, you little...don't make me tear these ropes--and my SHIRT---off, and then kick your scrawny ass!" Sheena cursed, squirming in an attempt to kick the pesky goblin. Lozzamer grabbed his ankle with a mighty hamfist and made as if to snap it in half.
"Be quiet, human." he said calmly. Sheena began to develop a healthy fear for his life, and in doing so started a much less life-threatening line of conversation. He hoped.
"Where...where are you taking me?" he asked. Looking around, Sheena noticed that there were a lot of trees growing thickly around the path they were on. He also noticed that though Kent was still tied to Solomon's tail, unconscious, Haley was gone.
"We're to deliver you to the Lady!" Grundy cheered.
"Where's Haley at??" Sheena demanded.
"Gone~!" Grundy cheered again. "My mistress only enjoys guests of the male persuasion, so we dumped her by the side of the road."
"You...I'll hurt you...bad!" Sheena growled again, attempting to inflict more bodily injury on his captors.
"I said to behave!" Lozzamer snarled, flipping his braid over one gigantic shoulder. Sheena clammed up again.
What was a hero to do?
******
Giovanni had let it slide, the first few times. After all, Lepant owned a restaurant. It made sense that when he would describe food to potential customers, he made it as commercially appealing sounding as possible. But there were no potential customers on the road to Greenhill. So after the eighteenth time of hearing his master say "This chicken is DELICIOUS," followed by a cheesy pose, he was more than fed up.
"Could you possibly not do that??" he asked sourly.
"This chicken is DELICIOUS!" Lepant replied, posing.
"Arrrgh!" Giovanni cried, tearing his hair out in frustration.
"Something bothering you there, old chap?" the adventurer-turned-chef inquired of his servant.
"Nothing..." Giovanni muttered, pocketing Lepant's coin pouch with a half-hearted sigh.
"Good! For we must rescue my son Sheena from the grips of EVIL!" Lepant vowed. For fear of having Lepant explain once AGAIN just exactly what 'evil' was capable of with one of his many long-winded tales of valor, Giovanni quickly changed the subject.
"Sir, isn't that Osmond up ahead?"
"By the gods! The lad survived!" Lepant marveled, dashing forward towards a figure who did indeed appear to be Sheena's friend Ozzie.
Ozzie, still dressed in somewhat tattered all-black, looked slightly worse for the wear, but was definitely better off than his companions, who appeared to be Matilda Knights that had been brutally murdered.
"What happened, Osmond?!" Lepant gasped. "Where's Sheena??"
"L-Lepant! Giovanni! Man, I'm glad to see you guys. After Rakutei, I got to worrying..." Ozzie panted. "Uh, Sheena got kidnapped by a tiny goblin-dude and a dragon. I would assume that someone working with them killed all these knights, but I'm not sure..."
"Kidnapped?!" Lepant said, aghast. "This could only be the work of..." The wind began howling ominously. Dark clouds appeared from nowhere to supply the demonic thunder sound effects. Just as it appeared Lepant was about to reveal the tantalizing name of some dastardly villain, he was interrupted.
"They went towards Greenhill, I think." Ozzie said. "As I understand it, some giant guy killed all these men, but like I said, I'm not sure if that has anything to do with Sheena. Or Haley..."
"They've got Haley, too?" Giovanni said, raising his eyebrows.
"We've GOT to help them! To GREENHILL!" Lepant said, charging. Ozzie quickly hurried off after the overzealous man, with Giovanni after the both of them, counting the money he had just stolen from the teenager in black.
"Look, you see, Lepant?" Ozzie pointed out. "Those tracks can't be human..."
"Aha!" Lepant said triumphantly. "Ozzie, take a look at these tracks I've located. They can't be human! If we follow them, they'll surely lead to Sheena!"
"...Right." Ozzie said, rolling his eyes.
"This is boiling my blood, boys! I can't tell you how much I'm going to thrash the brutes who committed this crime! Luckily, I have many things to distract me from that fury until the proper time to unleash it arrives." Lepant said with a heated glare.
"What's that?" Giovanni dared to ask.
"For one, this chicken is DELICIOUS!" Lepant relished.
Certain that no jury in the world would convict him, Giovanni lunged at his employer with the intent to strangle.
******
"Remind me again why you've taken me hostage..." Sheena said dully to Grundylicious and Lozzamer as the baby dragon Solomon lumbered along the not-oft-traveled dirt path through the forests of the city-state of Greenhill.
"My Lady, the great Witch, Majorca Zeppelin, desires you." Grundy spat. "Not only that, it's a legal contract anyway! She was promised the firstborn child of 'Eileen'! The contract shall be FULFILLED!"
"Wait a minute." Sheena gasped. "Your boss is the same witch my mom was talking about?! Awww, man..." This would be worse than he had thought. Never before had he connected the seemingly random abduction by Grundy to the witch his mother had supposedly promised him to in her youth! Of all the hideous, warty, old destinies!
"Ahhh, enough talk! We are here!" Grundy said shrilly. Before them was a cozy little hut with a thatched roof in the middle of the forest. There were a couple of other buildings in the backyard area, but the hut was obviously the main event of this place.
"Prepare to meet your new owner---Majorca Zeppelin!!" Grundy said gloriously. "Let him down, Solomon. Lozzamer, untie his bonds and hold him fast!"
Sheena found himself dreading more and more each moment his newfound fate. What...what would a crusty old witch DO to his hot young man-god self?? He trembled in fear as the hulking man-giant led him to the front door. Before they could knock or anything, however, a voice crept out of nowhere to greet them.
Nibble, nibble, little mouse... it murmured, Can you see my nipples through this blouse?
There was a tangible pause.
...Oh yeah, come right in my house... it finished. Confused, Sheena found himself led inside the hut.
What he saw made his jaw DROP. This was NOT the home of some crippled, ugly old hag-witch, though it had all the trappings of such a place. Majorca Zeppelin... was HOT.
She had long, flowing blonde hair that nearly reached her feet, wound through and through with a shiny black ribbon. She had sparkling violet eyes and a beautiful, youthful face with ruby red lips. She had a figure to die for, and was clad in a VERY skimpy black leather number that had Sheena gasping for air. Had he died and gone to HEAVEN?
"I have brought you the firstborn son of Eileen, Lady Zeppelin!" Grundy said heroically. "He is yours to experiment with as you wish!"
...Probably not, Sheena found himself suddenly thinking.
"Wonderful." Majorca said simply in a seductively smoky voice. "I've waited years for this, Sheena..."
"W-What do you want with...with me?" Sheena choked out.
"Everything." Majorca replied. "That spellbook cost me dearly, you know---so I knew that once I had Eileen's firstborn, I would be able to finish what she interrupted."
Sheena did NOT like the sound of that. He looked around the hut and saw various oddities hanging on the walls, as well as the standard brooms and cauldrons around the room. The thought of what a witch would've waited more than sixteen years to do to him was not a comfortable one. Majorca sat down on a couch and looked him over silently. A cat that looked silver or black depending on the light it was in hopped into the witch's lap, purring as she pet it gently.
"You seem so...tense." Majorca said. "I do hope I'm not making you uncomfortable." Sheena grasped desperately for something to compliment her on. Maybe her pet? Pet owners loved their pets!
"Nice pussy." he blurted without thinking.
"Aren't we forward." Majorca said with a smirk. He reddened.
"What should we do with him?" Lozzamer asked. For some reason, Sheena found himself wondering what could make the giant-man so subdued, and it worried him even more.
"You can come here and rest, Lozzamer. You've been out for quite a while, now." Majorca said, beckoning. The hulking bluish man stepped forward, ducking, as he barely fit inside the hut. To the shock of Sheena, the witch used a rune to open a huge portal right inside the hut. Lozzamer proceeded to step inside it and vanish completely.
"Oh, Lozzamer isn't of this world, Sheena..." Majorca explained casually. "He is of the Blue Gate Rune. I have complete and utter control over him." She clearly enjoyed the effect saying that had on Sheena. He shuddered.
"Grundy, you and that beast of yours are dismissed."
"Yes, my Lady!" the goblin cried eagerly, leaving.
"Well now, Sheena. I think it's time for you to spend a little time with my other guests, while I prepare things for the ritual." Majorca said. She glided over and took him by the arm. Sheena wondered if he should resist. It appeared as though it wouldn't be difficult to break the woman in half, but... she was not only hot and beautiful, but she obviously had incredible power that he didn't feel up to crossing just yet.
The witch led him back out the front door, but stopped, seeing Kent laying unconscious on her doorstep.
"What's this? Ohh, I told Grundy I didn't want any others! But...there's no sense in rejecting this little present, now is there? I suppose I shall take him, too." She effortlessly lifted the pre-teen into her arms and carried him, still leading Sheena to a shed in the back. Opening the door, she placed Kent inside, and then urged Sheena gently in. He knew it was stupid to go in, but did anyway.
When the door slammed sharply behind him and locked, he wasn't surprised.
It was damp and dark inside the shed, and Sheena's eyes had trouble adjusting. There were piles of straw, and it smelled funny. Squinting in the darkness, he made out a few other objects that could have been people. Then he realized something! If he had somehow been put into some sexy all-female harem, and he groped about in the dark trying to find his way, he would have a great excuse if he 'happened' to feel up some hot young broad! It was a foolproof plan!
Minutes later, he found himself nursing a bloody lip after someone who was most definitely not a woman had hit him in the face with a large stick.
"Owwww..." Sheena moaned. The owner of the stick didn't seem very apologetic.
"You'd better not do that again, newcomer. You'll just encourage her, you know. She's watching us anyway." the guy said. As his eyes adjusted, Sheena finally made out his attacker. It was a boy who was a few years older than himself, he figured. He had a muscular build and wore little more than green pants and a headband. He grasped a huge spear in his hand, the butt of which had met intimately with Sheena's face. He had glinting green eyes and strawberry blonde hair.
"S-sorry, but...encourage WHAT?" Sheena grumbled.
"You know why Majorca Zeppelin only keeps male 'visitors', right? She enjoys watching them...go at it." the guy spat, disgusted by the thought, obviously.
"Go...at??" Sheena said, his eyes widening. The other guy whispered to him the full implications of those words.
"Dammit!" Sheena shouted more loudly than he'd have liked.
"What??" the guy with the spear asked.
"Why can't I ever be stuck in a room full of scantily clad BABES by someone who'd like to see me and THEM go at it?" he lamented.
"Oh, I KNOW!" the other guy agreed emphatically. "I wish I had a hot chick to nail right about now, too. This blows."
Sheena found himself liking this person, despite the initial rude reception.
"Who are you, anyway?"
"Oh, me? I'm Panty: Turtle Warrior Princess!" the guy announced valiantly. Sheena blinked. What??
"...What??"
"Panty: Turtle Warrior Princess!!!" he said triumphantly. Sheena looked more closely at him, and certainly didn't get it the second time around. For starters, this guy was no turtle...he wasn't wearing panties and definitely was no princess---he hoped.
"I don't get it." Sheena confessed.
"Don't question it! Just trust it." Panty said like some kind of mantra. He spun the spear around. "So! Who are you, and what're you in for?"
"Uhm, I'm Sheena. And I'm here because my mother promised me to this witch before I was even an idea. Kinda sucks."
"Yes, it does." Panty said dismissively. He held out a plate of food. "You want some o' this chicken, though? It's delicious."
******
"We must be closer now, men!" Lepant said exultantly, waving a stick in the air as he marched.
"We had better be. We've been walking for hours." Ozzie gasped. "I don't know how you stay so ...fit, Lepant."
"Dear lord, no...don't say that..." Giovanni moaned.
"Why, I'll tell you, Ozzie!" Lepant said cheerily. "It all started when I was training rigorously for the Great Forest Relay..." He trailed off into a tale of cunning, rigorous training, and relays, most of which Ozzie ignored completely. He turned to Giovanni for some intelligent conversation.
"So, um, Giovanni...is Eileen all right? Last time I saw her, she was kinda paralyzed..."
"She's doing well, I imagine. Providing she didn't fall asleep at some vital moment." Giovanni said, stealing Lepant's cape while he was telling his story.
"That's good to hear." Ozzie said.
They continued walking for some time, listening (but mostly NOT listening) to more of Lepant's tales of adventure, some of which Ozzie could swear were made up.
"YOU bit a YETI? Not vice-versa?" he said incredulously.
"Oh, he tried to get a good piece of me, the bastard, but I did indeed bite him. You have to attack beasts THEIR WAY, or you'll never get through to them, you know." Lepant said matter-of-factly. "So, as I was saying, after I bit him, the Imp Princess---"
"Haley!" Ozzie gasped.
"No, her name wasn't Haley, I'm afraid..." Lepant continued, oblivious. Ozzie pointed wildly. Surrounded by a crowd of people in the road ahead of them was indeed Haley Curtowe.
A timid-looking man in glasses and a sweater vest was checking her for a pulse, while a murmur ran through the crowd of onlookers. Ozzie dashed over to the scene.
"Is she all right??" he asked the man in glasses. Lepant finally realized what was going on, and hurried over.
"I think she'll be fine. She's just asleep, essentially." the man in glasses said. "Is she a friend of yours?"
"Yes, she is." Ozzie said. "Who are you, if I may ask...?"
"We were just passing through this area, looking for contestants. I'm Fu Tan Chen. I host culinary contests for chefs who like competition." the man in glasses said good-naturedly.
"Fu Tan Chen?!" Lepant gasped. "I can hardly believe it! I read your book about cooking contests, and now here you are? Why...competing in a Fu-Tan Chen contest is like...an ADVENTURE for CHEFS! A dream come true!!"
"Er, I suppose so."
"But, alas... though I'd love to challenge someone under your guidance, I mustn't dally." Lepant put a despairing hand to his forehead. "My son has been kidnapped by brigands, and he must be rescued!"
"...Kidnapped??" Fu Tan Chen asked, eyes widening.
"Indeed!" Lepant said sorrowfully.
"Say, maybe we can help! I mean, more people looking gives you better odds, does it not?" Fu Tan Chen suggested.
"It can't hurt, but...this whole crowd?" Giovanni said, almost hopefully, it seemed. Surely because they seemed to be carrying lots of loose valuables. But he only wanted to keep them safe. Yes. That was it.
"Whoever wants to help!" Fu said. "This is my assistant, Min-Min," he introduced a pretty young lady, "And we, at least, can help you look. It'll be some excitement for a change."
"Onward!!!" Lepant trumpeted.
******
"For the ten-millionth time, Kent, we are NOT in a dragon's secret den, so please shut up." Sheena snapped.
"Maybe the dragon will come back and I can tame it! You think so, Sheena? You think so??" Kent said eagerly.
They were still locked inside the ever-uncomfortable shed of Majorca Zeppelin, and now that the ever-annoying Kent had awoken, Sheena was beginning to feel more trapped than before.
"Who IS that brat?" Panty marveled.
"Kent, my insanely manic neighbor. He thinks everything is a dragon, and quite frankly won't leave me alone. Ever." Sheena muttered. He neglected to mention that Kent even interrupted his fantasies, for fear that it would come out wrong and Majorca Zeppelin would drop down from the rafters and tell him something like 'Ha, she knew it,' and now he had to 'go at it' with Kent. That was the last thing he needed.
"Dragon~!" Kent cried, leaping on a pile of straw that sort of kind of not really was shaped like an animal. "I shall call you Strawback!"
"Because it's made of straw, you idiot!" Sheena cried.
"Quit insulting Strawback, Sheena, or he'll breathe fire on you!" Kent retorted happily.
Good, Sheena thought to himself. With luck it'll burn itself down, and take Kent with it.
"So why are you here, Panty?" Sheena asked.
"I don't really remember." Panty said. "It's not like I've always been here. I know I used to live out in the wild, on my own, out with the trees and such... somewhere far from here. But somehow I ended up here, and Majorca is doing something to make sure I don't remember."
"You said PANTY!" Kent gasped, giggling. "Strawback can't believe that you said that, Sheena!"
"That's his NAME, you retarded---" Sheena exploded.
Suddenly, the door swung open. Majorca, Grundy and Lozzamer stood in the doorway, gazing inward.
"It's time, Sheena. Time for the ritual." the witch said.
"Errr, this isn't some kinda virgin sacrifice, is it?" Sheena asked worriedly. "Um, cuz...I'm no virgin. Sorry. I've...like...done it tons of times."
"...Really." he added for good measure. Majorca laughed.
"It doesn't matter how many times you have or haven't 'done it', this has nothing to do with that." the witch said. "I just need to sacrifice you so I can use your body for someone else."
Oh. So, basically...FUCK?
"EXCUSE me?!" Sheena blurted. "I don't think so!"
"Oh, but I do. You don't understand this, Sheena...it's something quite beyond you. But trust me when I say I've waited too long for this, and I will not let it slip through my fingers." Majorca spoke in an icy tone complete absent of the sweet one she had used previously. Lozzamer grabbed him roughly, and dragged him out of the shed, slamming the door behind.
"Panty...Kent...dammit!" Sheena cried through clenched teeth. He couldn't very well escape single-handedly. Dammit, why couldn't he just have rippling muscles?! Was that too much to ask?!! If he had his god-given right to utter manliness, he could sweep women off their feet, squeeze his own orange juice, and defeat huge, giant monsters! He would be a real man's man, dammit! But it wasn't to be.
Sheena found himself being tied spread-eagle to some sort of wooden apparatus of some kind of arcane symbol. Majorca had a cauldron brewing, and Lozzamer and Grundy waited patiently beside her.
"Is everything in place for the sacrifice, my Lady??" Grundy asked eagerly. The witch nodded in satisfaction.
"Indeed, Grundy. Finally, after all these years...The spell will be completed."
"You've never told us what the spell is for." Lozzamer reminded her. She glared with a white-hot fury that made Sheena's blood run cold.
"That's not for you to know." she said. Sheena began brainstorming a way out of this, and went with the first plan that came to mind.
"Wait! Majorca...I can..I can keep you sexually satisfied, I promise! If you let me live, I could be your, like, lover! I mean, you are like, a total babe and all..." Sheena negotiated.
One steady glare later, and Sheena considered himself a goner.
"What are you DOING?" Kent asked curiously. The other guy in the dragon's den, a weirdo named Panties, or something, was rubbing his spear against a rock. I mean, what a weirdo!
"What does it look like I'm doing? Trying to burn this place down. If I can get a spark going, it'll start a fire." Panty replied.
"Nonsense!" Kent laughed. "Strawback can BREATHE fire."
"Then make the damn thing breathe fire. I don't have all day, kid." Panty said, completely ignoring Kent and continuing to work with the rock and spearhead.
"Well, if you don't believe me, then Strawback will just LET you keep working hard like that. That's what you get, nyeeah." Kent said, sticking out his tongue.
It didn't take long for Panty to shoot off a couple of sparks, which ignited the straw in fast order.
"Strawback~!!" Kent screamed. Panty pulled him off the piles of straw and towards the door.
"Come on, you wacko kid. I'm beginning to believe what that Sheena guy said about you." the Turtle Warrior Princess said.
"How is this going to help?!" Kent wailed.
"Listen, kid. This is how it works." Panty said. "Warriors rescue princesses. Princesses get rescued by warriors." He gave the pre-teen a grim look.
"But Warrior Princesses...rescue themselves." He held up his weapon, the Holy Lance of Crap, and activated his Sword of Thunder Rune, blowing open the door. Even Panty himself was surprised to see him taking such initiative---for so long, he had been under Majorca's spell. Now, with the distraction of Sheena giving him freedom of movement, he could finally break free, and shove Majorca's power trip up her ass once and for all. To freedom!
But first, he had to figure out what the hell that Kent kid was doing.
"I'll always love you, Strawback..." Kent said tearfully, having removed his hat, which he was now holding over his heart. "From East to West, South to North, with all my Heart. You will always be... my dragon." He then put his hat back on and nodded solemnly.
"You're really starting to scare me, kid..." Panty said, running off towards the hut. Kent, after a moment of silence, followed suit.
******
Sheena cringed, praying for survival, as Majorca raised a staff to the heavens and began to chant in some freaky language. He could only imagine what she was actually saying.
Dear Freaky Gods of Witchness, please help me to kill this incredibly manly and handsome guy I found for NO FUCKING REASON. I kinda thought having sex with him would be fun, but no, I decided to sacrifice him to you instead just to piss him off. Love, the stupid bitch casting this spell. P.S. Make my boobs bigger right before he dies to really piss him off. Ha ha!
Dammit, why did everyone hate him??
Suddenly, however, fortune took pity on him---Panty and Kent arrived on the scene; Panty brandishing his giant lance in a fury. At the same time, another odd looking group burst through the trees.
It was most definitely Lepant, Giovanni (wearing Lepant's cape?), Ozzie, Haley, and several others.
Yes, yes! Sheena thought to himself. Salvation! He had never been happier to see his father. Would he valiantly charge in, sword-swinging, and denounce evil right before decapitating the witch? Or would he fight off Lozzamer and Grundy in a mighty duel?
Lepant could have done all of these things. But, caught up in the moment, he did the most unlikely thing Sheena thought could ever have happened.
"Foul witch!" Lepant cried, dashing up to Majorca.
'Release my son'? 'Perish in flames'? No, no.
"I challenge you... to a cooking contest!!!" Lepant shouted. Not a jaw present was left in a non-dropped position.
******
"Hello, friends, guests, and hostages!" shouted Fu Tan Chen through his megaphone, "It's time for another great cooking competition!" The assorted audience members, made up of the crowd of people who had been following Fu and Min-Min, applauded.
"In this corner, the challenger! The adventurer-turned-chef and restaurant owner, Lepant!" Fu Tan Chen introduced. Scattered applause.
Sheena was watching all this from a rather awkward viewpoint, as he was still strapped up to the sacrificial altar. Supposedly, if Lepant won the cooking contest, Sheena was to go free. If there was a time to trust his father's cooking, it was now!
"And over here, we have the lovely witch, Majorca Zeppelin, the recipient of Lepant's challenge today!" Sheena noticed that most of her applause stemmed from her own cronies or male audience members.
"And now, our panel of judges!" Fu announced, gesturing to a wide table that had been set up for the judges to eat at. "Our first judge is a picky eater, but has a hidden sweet tooth! Give a big hand to Kent, ladies and gentlemen!"
Kent waved in that manic way of his, wide-eyed and ready.
"Next, we have a hulking, disgruntled manservant with a taste for raw flesh! He'll eat just about anything---it's Lozzamer, folks!"
Strained applause erupted for the stern-faced monster.
"Thirdly, I'd like to introduce a judge with a taste for the spicier side of the food chain! Though he'll eat most things, he really savors those peppery dishes! It's Panty, Turtle Warrior Princess!"
Panty spun the Lance of Crap around and posed amidst the clapping.
"Last but not least, we have our final judge. He may be small, but he has a voracious appetite! Known to bite everything from bundt cake to unsuspecting ankles, he is a true judge of culinary delights! His name is Grundylicious, and don't you forget it, thank you!" Fu Tan Chen said with a relish as he read from his notecards. There was nothing but straight booing for the goblin.
"Our competing chefs will have three chances to impress these judges with their assorted dishes---an appetizer, main course, and dessert! Let's see how they do!" Fu Tan Chen explained.
Lepant stood tensely by his assorted ingedients while Majorca sat calmly next to hers. Fu Tan Chen raised his arms and then swept them down, as a signal to start.
Lepant frantically began assembling his appetizer, as did the witch. The host studied his watch closely, and in no time at all, time was up.
"Let's see what we have here..." Fu said cheerfully. Both appetizers were passed around the judges' table, and some were more well received than others.
"Majorca has prepared 'Stuffed Frogs' Legs'! Let's see the scores." Fu Tan Chen announced. Holding up scorecards, the judges' thoughts were revealed. Kent gave it a 1 and looked clearly disgusted with the entire thing; Lozzamer gave it a 4 and as usual showed no emotion either way; Grundy gave it a 5---clearly brown-nosing it, though he did look pleased with the dish itself; Panty gave the frog legs a 3.
"Annnd...Lepant's appetizer, as he tells us, is called 'Fried Drumsticks'....scores, please?"
Kent gave the appetizer an even 3; Lozzamer held up a 2; Panty gave them a hearty 5; Grundy staunchly refused to show anyone his scorecard, essentially giving a zero score. Sheena noted with chagrin that Majorca was an easy three points ahead.
"Time for the preparation of the main courses! Annnd, GO!" Fu Tan Chen signaled. "Let me remind the audience while the chefs are cooking that we discourage any home-turf advantages in these competitions, thus both chefs are given the same supplies to cook with---however, which recipes are to be used are entirely up to the personal knowledge of each chef. And also, a five is indeed the highest score."
"This chicken is DELICIOUS!" Lepant said, posing.
"No influencing the judges, please." Fu Tan Chen reminded him. Lepant pouted and went back to fixing up his main course.
"Time's up! Now is one of the most important points in this contest---the main course can make or break you!" Fu Tan Chen made clear. "Unveil your dishes!"
"Wow, impressive... Majorca Zeppelin has just passed out her main course, a recipe of her own devising---'Witches' Brew', I believe it's called. What does this dish consist of, Majorca?"
"Powdered bat wings, toe of sloth, lizard's tongue---you know, the like." Majorca said casually. The judges, who were shoveling it in, promptly regurgitated the 'taste delight.' "How dare you." Majorca said with a glare. "I shall greatly reward those who enjoy MY dish."
"Pay hike~!" Grundy said with a relish, flashing his '5' card.
"Rewards...!" Lozzamer and Panty drooled, flashing their '5' cards as well.
"Dragon~!" Kent cried, only flashing his 4-card, however, because his conscience just wouldn't allow him to go any higher on such an abomination. Still, the damage was done.
"I'm doomed." Sheena moaned. The witch had just used a sneaky, underhanded tactic to earn herself a cool nineteen more points.
Lepant unveiled his dish, and passed it around as well.
"Interesting...!" Fu Tan Chen said, "What exactly is this?"
Oh no.. Sheena prayed. Not that. Not Lepant Surprise. Not Lepant Surprise. Please please please NOT Lepant Surprise.
"I like to call it 'Lepant Surprise.'" Lepant said triumphantly. "A hearty mixture of most poisonous roots and berries from the Great Forest region of the Scarlet Moon Empire, with a light sprinkling of the neatly chopped intestines of various cute forest animals! It's a true taste delight!"
Not a single judge lifted his fork.
"And as you'll notice, I've also fashioned it into the shape of a voluptuous naked woman." Lepant announced.
Straight fives all-around. Sheena nearly passed out.
"Um...well. Only one course left---dessert! It's a fairly close score here, as of now..." Fu Tan Chen continued. "Majorca Zeppelin still leads with 32 points, while Lepant is close behind with 30! Who will win this exciting competition? Let's watch and see!"
Sheena tensed up as the chefs went to work. If Majorca's dessert earned her straight fives, there was no way Lepant could beat her. So not only did Lepant's meal have to be GOOD, but hers had to be BAD. Ozzie and Haley watched nervously from the audience, surely thinking the same thoughts.
Sheena had a fairly good idea of what his father was preparing... it was probably one of his standard desserts, Dragonwing Cake---which was truly a pleasant dessert. Sheena figured it had a good chance of winning over Lozzamer and Grundy, and definitely Panty would like it. But Kent...he wasn't sure. He would either love it because it had the word 'dragon' in the title, or despise it because he thought that there was a dragon baked IN the cake. Kent was a wild card they couldn't afford to go wrong.
Soon, Majorca finished her dessert, and showed it off to all. It was an amazingly perfect-looking cake, and it actually appeared to sparkle in the sunlight. There was a single rose stuck in the top to complete the 'look.'
"Let's see what the judges think of this..." Fu Tan Chen said tensely. The witch gave out slices of the cake. Kent's score was a 4, as were Panty's and Lozzamer's. Grundy, however, got the piece with the rose and made the idiotic mistake of eating it, and gave it only a 3.
Fu Tan Chen, and all present, then turned to Lepant's covered dessert. Sheena's heart nearly stopped. Was it the Dragonwing cake...? Or something else? Would it beat Majorca's score?
"This..." Lepant said dramatically, managing to swish his cape and whip off the cover at the same time. It was quite obviously a tray of fairly plain muffins.
Muffins...?
"This is a very special dish. I promised myself I would never allow its delectable taste to grace a plate again, after a very tragic event occurred to me... you see, it all started...." Lepant began.
"Er, could you just tell us what it is?" Fu Tan Chen interjected. Lepant sighed.
"Very well." he said. "These are...(drumroll please)...the Sheenami Muffins." Giovanni and Sheena gasped, and Panty nearly fell out of his chair. The other reactions were less severe.
"I...see..." Fu Tan Chen said. Lepant passed them to the judges.
"This...this is great~!" Kent cried, holding up a 5.
"I...don't believe this..." Panty marveled, holding up a 5 as well. Lozzamer and Grundy both awarded fours.
Fu Tan Chen hurriedly tallied the scores. Blinking, he re-tallied them.
"This was an amazingly close match, chefs! The final scores are....Majorca, 47! Lepant...48! Lepant is the winner of the cooking contest!!" Cheers and applause erupted from the audience, including Sheena. His father had won! He was free to go!!
Not if Majorca Zeppelin had anything to say about it.
"This...this can't be right! I cooked to perfection! Rrrgh...you won't get away with this!!" the witch cursed.
"Release my son, contemptible fiend!" Lepant shouted, jumping up on the table. The audience, sensing the impending violence, scattered rather quickly into the woods. Majorca raised her hand and summoned a ball of pure energy in a fairly clich�d fashion. She then shot it straight at Lepant. If things had gone in the usual method of such battles, Lepant would obviously have deflected the ball of energy in a highly amazing way. In a moment of anticlimax, though, it hit him square in the face and he toppled over.
Panty wasn't about to take things lying down, however. He and Ozzie went to work freeing Sheena in the midst of the battle. Once his bonds were loosened, the man-god sprang forth to deal with the forces of evil!
Of course, by 'deal with', he of course meant 'flee like a rabbit.' Those two concepts are easily confused, after all.
"Nooo!" Majorca screeched. "I've waited too long for this! If I can't have him, no one will!" The blue emblem on her forehead shone with fiery intensity. "...Empty World!"
The bounds of hell ripped open and demonic magic burst forth from its depths. Sheena was nearly blown away, but found himself being led to safety (clinging to a tree) by Giovanni and Fu Tan Chen. Unholy magical energy tore through the woods like flames through paper.
When the spell ended, it was like waking from a dream. Majorca, Grundy, Solomon, Lozzamer, Panty, and the witch's hut had vanished. Sheena, Giovanni, Lepant, Ozzie, Kent and Haley were clinging to trees, and were shaken but alive. Fu Tan Chen and Min-Min had disappeared as well, but had assured Sheena and the others they were all right before pulling the vanishing act.
"So that was Eileen's witch..." Giovanni coughed, picking himself up off the ground.
"Indeed." Lepant said grimly.
"She...she took that Panty guy with her...!" Sheena gasped.
"...Is she gone??" Kent asked uncertainly.
"I don't think so. She'll be back, I bet." Sheena said. "We have to try and find Panty! He helped me to escape, after all."
"I agree... it seems like the decent thing to do." Haley said.
"Let's find shelter for now. And I have a tale I'd like to tell you all..." Lepant said. There was a muted groan from all those present.
"Now, now... I guess we owe it to him to listen, this time... he did cook to save you." Ozzie conceded. Sheena nodded.
After building a makeshift shelter, the group sat crosslegged around the fire, ready to hear this supposedly tantalizing story from Lepant.
"This story is about... adventure." he said grandly.
"Woo. What a surprise, Dad." Sheena said sarcastically.
"Now, Sheena, pay attention. This is a story from my youth, and it may well impact you...forever."
"...Uh...okay..."
"...By the way. This chicken is DELICIOUS!<" Lepant cheered.
After being assaulted by Giovanni, Lepant launched into his story.
