Sheena entered the bathhouse confidently, clad in a revealing terrycloth robe. Immediately, all the present ladies perked up---moreso than they were already perked, that is. All eyes were on him.
"SHEENA~!" they gasped. "You came for us!"
"Not yet, I haven't." he chuckled devilishly, advancing a step. One particularly ambitious woman leapt from the writhing mass of sexy flesh and wrapped her arms around Sheena's bare leg---which was certainly not scrawny, and was obviously hairy and manly--and clung to him like he was her last chance.
"But ladies..." Sheena dared to voice. "Aren't you all... lesbians??" The ladies all blushed cutely, even the ones in the middle of those lusty acts.
"Yes, we are. But for you, Sheena... we'll be as straight as your GIANT MAN-POLE~!" the lesbians cried reverently. He grinned.
"Let's go to it, then. I don't mind if I'm serviced by more than one oiled-up lesbian at a time, either." he announced.
"Oh, SHEENA~~~" the lesbians cooed.
But just as the throng moved to pleasure him until the day he died, a particularly butch, bearded lesbian stood up.
"I see my son's become a man! How about that, everyone?" s/he guffawed in a voice uncannily similar to Sheena's own father's.
Sheena woke up suddenly to find his father, Lepant, standing over him. As it turned out, everyone's eyes WERE on him---the eyes of Giovanni, as well as his two best friends, and that crazy kid Kent, however---for some reason.
"Wha...?" Sheena grunted, suddenly realizing something.
"I was just telling everyone what a man you've become, Sheena! I'm so proud!" Lepant gushed.
"Uh...wow, Sheena. That's a nice 'tent' you have 'pitched' there..." Ozzie snorted, averting his gaze.
"I think you mean 'erected.'" Haley said, snickering loudly.
"...Dragon?" Kent said, sparkly-eyed, reaching out to touch it.
"S--shut up!" Sheena said, sitting up and attempting to cover himself up with something. Anything. A branch. "And don't you ever touch me, Kent, or so help me---"
"Now, Sheena, don't be ashamed." Lepant insisted supportively. "It's merely a physiological reaction that all young men experience!" He raised his arms to the sky in reverence. "Why, I remember..."
"Oh, please don't. Please don't, sir." Giovanni begged him.
"I remember the first time I saw your mother in a provocative state of undress. I popped the biggest---"
"OH GOD KILL ME NOW." Sheena wailed, diving and covering his ears. Ironically enough, hearing such a story fixed his little 'problem' downstairs in a jiffy. Nothing like hearing about one's own mother to shrink a guy quick, he supposed.
Why me?
"Today we make for Nugentshireham, Sheena." Lepant reminded them all after a quick breakfast (thankfully not of Lepant Surprise). "That servant of the Princess appears to have MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED overnight, so I'll just have to rely on my memory of the area to find the place."
"Oh, great." Giovanni said under his breath, rolling his eyes and stealing an acorn from a passing squirrel.
The squirrel apparently wasn't pleased with this and chattered annoyedly at Giovanni. Lepant took notice.
"Oh, my! This squirrel has the [Crest of Nugentshireham] on it!" he noted, pointing. Sadly, it did. "It can lead us right to the Princess!"
With that, they began to follow the squirrel into the woods.
"How can an entire kingdom that no one else has heard of exist in the Greenhill region, anyway?" Ozzie asked as they walked.
"Oh, it's two kingdoms, lad. Nugentshireham is in a state of eternal war with its sister city, Gaslbmamor." Lepant explained. Sheena stared at him for a minute.
"Whaaat? They're smallish, and hidden by forest." said Lepant somewhat defensively.
"No, I was just wondering how the heck you managed to pronounce the second one." Sheena said, still walking.
"Oh. When you have a tongue as flexible as mine, my son---" Lepant began proudly.
"That's quite enough." Giovanni said sharply. "Besides, uh... your squirrel says we're almost there."
"Did I ever tell you about the time I learned to speak squirrel from a horde of wild, spear-wielding prostitutes?" Lepant asked eagerly.
"Yeah, right, Dad, let's just go." Sheena said, embarrassed. It never quit for him. What had he done to deserve this? Besides, such a horde could never really exist; it was more of Lepant's bull-crap.
Or worse, they did exist, and his father had already... Sheena sighed. He had to find a girlfriend too, and a sexy one, before his father ruined girls for him forever.
He trudged a little faster after that.
******
In the woods near Highway Village, Eileen wandered in something of a daze. Apparently she had dozed off. However, it was evident that she had been picking some mushrooms before that evidenced by the basketful of them she carried with her.
Shaking her head to wake herself up, she noticed something in a nearby ditch, in the midst of the forest.
Upon closer inspection, she realized sadly that it was the body of a large man, clad in dark robes. Two dark blossoms of blood could be seen, one on his left shoulder, one on his right calf, near the bottom of the cloak. He was motionless.
Saddened, she knelt to give this poor soul his last rites and proper burial. It was then that she noticed he was still alive.
"Gasp! This man lives!" she gasped, appropriately. "I must do everything in my power to help him." She tried tugging at the man's body, but he was too hefty for her to budge far. "Hmmm... I'll need help moving him, though."
She looked around desperately. Nothing there but the wind and the trees, it seemed. But somehow... that would be enough. She set her jaw, determined, and undid the clasp on her robe, letting it flap open scandalously in the breeze.
"Come to me, Generic Cute Forest Animals! Come to me! Like the wind! Creatures of the humble Second Hilinian Tier, come forth!" she called, her voice echoing mysteriously.
At that, all manner of generic cute animal appeared, batting their too-long eyelashes and scampering about generally unhelpfully. A particularly tiny bird landed on Eileen's left breast. One doe finally bent down and licked the man on the neck. He began to stir at that.
"I don't remem--hey, cut that out." he grumbled, looking up at the doe. "Knock it off." The doe backed away as he moved painfully; he managed to move himself to a sitting position and twisted to look at Eileen, who was somewhat preoccupied with the bird on her boob.
She finally noticed him. Under one of his eyes, blood was smeared. He began to draw a gun from the strap underneath his cloak, but stopped as he got a better look at her. The rifle hit the ground.
"I didn't make it, did I... angel..." he coughed.
"N-no, no! You're quite alive, good sir! Please hold on to the life force you have left! I'll sleigh you in but a moment, I promise!" Eileen cried, gesturing frantically to the animals and also closing up her robe a bit (the bird flew away).
"Whatever you say, angel..." the man said, slumping over.
"Quickly!" Eileen urged, knowing time was of the essence. A sleigh somehow appeared, ready to be manned by forest creatures. "We're losing him!!"
She gently dragged the man's prone body onto the sled, and then leapt to the reins, catching them in her teeth before transferring them to her hands. She couldn't very well steer with her teeth (not without Lepant around).
"On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer, and Vixen!" she commanded. Three reindeer and a buxom forest nymph jumped into place. "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and... um... Hatmook? Go! Fly!"
The seven reindeer (and one nymph) sprang into action, scooting out of there... like the wind.
Live, dammit... Eileen thought tearfully as the world whizzed by (and didn't even wash its hands afterwards). LIVE!
******
The first thought that occured to Sheena as the group entered the hidden forest Kingdom of Nugentshireham was that it certainly didn't LOOK like a war-torn country. It featured a perfectly peaceful village complete with happy children running around gaily, and, Sheena marveled, the majestic white castle was completely unmarred by any blemish of any kind. It was almost too surreal.
"Ahhh..." Lepant said, "It's just as I remember it."
"It's so pretty..." Haley remarked, craning her neck to gaze upon the ivory white spires as they jumped up to kiss the sky.
"There's no dragons here!" Kent wailed.
"How come no one knows about this place, again? Or the other?" Sheena wondered aloud.
"It's a secret to everyone." Lepant said mysteriously.
"Say, why's that little kid bawling over there? Doesn't he like Giovanni??" Ozzie said, puzzled, gesturing to a small child who was indeed crying his eyes out, standing next to Giovanni.
"Of course he does. He's just devastated at the loss of the Princess." Lepant said dismissively, heading decisively towards the castle. Giovanni slunk over to the group again.
"What's up, Giovanni?" Sheena asked.
"Oh, nothing. I just generously offered to hold that kid's shiny new coin in my Vault until he needed it, but he callously reneged on his half of the deal." Giovanni said lazily. Sheena shook his head.
Without further delay, most of them followed Lepant into the castle. But Sheena stayed behind, not just for the opportunity to be by himself for once, but also to check out the village.
"Um, hi, sir." he said to a man tending to his cow.
"Hello! Welcome to Nugentshireham. Might you be the Hero?"
"Ohh...um...no...? I'm just... visiting." said Sheena, a little put off by the man's greeting. "What Hero?"
"The one from the prophecy." he said, brushing his cow cheerfully.
"Uh...huh. So, um, what's up with that Gaslbmamor place, anyway?" Sheena asked. The man's face suddenly turned to an ugly scowl, and he kicked the cow. It mooed in surprise and anguish.
"Don't speak of those devils! They kidnapped the Princess! Kidnapped her, they did! Those devils! Oh god..." the man fumed, his anger suddenly turning to abrupt sorrow. He wept in torrents. "Oh god, the poor Princess! What'll we do without her??"
"Um, I'm sure it'll be---"
"What'll we do without the poor, poor Princess?"
"Um, hey--"
"What'll we do? The poor, sweet Princess... so alone and kidnapped...! I think I'll kill myself. I'd rather die than live in a land without our dear Princess." the man bawled, devastated. He took a nearby rope and began tying a noose.
"W-w-wait, just... please, stop!" Sheena yelled, panicking.
"I should just DIE. I don't deserve to live when the Princess can't be free like I am. Goodbye, world..." the man moaned.
"S-stop! STOP IT!" begged Sheena. It didn't work. He looked around frantically for some way to stop the nutjob suicidal guy, but didn't see anything. He ran to find some help...
Meanwhile, Lepant and the others had reached the throne room of the castle. It was lavishly decorated and thickly carpeted. There was a theme throughout, Giovanni noticed. The object appeared to be to repeat the Crest of Nugentshireham as many times as one could on a variety of objects, then put them everywhere. Oh well. With so many, they'd never miss just one, he decided, pocketing a huge decorative shield. Well, he tried to pocket it, anyway.
"What's that in your pants, sir?" a guard asked sharply, approaching Giovanni. Damn!
"Nothing." the servant assured him.
"I'll have to verify that." the guard said, proceeding to investigate the interior of his pants.
"G----ack---good god, man! Get out of there!" Giovanni cried, clearly riled at being so thoroughly molested.
"All clear, sir. I'm pleased to report that none other than the Royal Crest of Nugentshireham is residing in your trousers. You may proceed." the guard said way too cheerfully, saluting.. Giovanni never left a room faster, except for the time when Lepant and Eileen had taken that whipped cream and---he shuddered at the thought.
Lepant reached the end of the room and bowed. There were two thrones. The largest was occupied by a largeish man wearing lavish purple robes and a huge, gaudy crown. He waved a scepter around that, of course, featured the royal crest stamped on it in glittering gold.
Beside him was a woman in her thirties-to-forties, lovely looking as she had ever been. She wore a gold choker, a low cut but tasteful red gown and slippers, as well as a dainty tiara. She gasped as Lepant came forward.
"...Sir PANTSalot!" she cried, fanning herself.
"That's Pants-off-alot to you. Rowr." Lepant said, winking. Both of them were met with icy death stares from the king.
"This is unexpected, Pseudo Knight Lepant." the king said, in quite the disappointed tone. "I had hoped you had seen enough of our lands to satisfy your thirst for adventure."
"That's a thirst I hope never to quench, Your Majesty." Lepant said with relish.
"How long has it been, Pseudo Knight?" the king asked sourly.
"I'd say it's getting on twenty years, Marvin." Lepant replied after a moment's thought.
"It's been twenty-one years, sixty-two days, three hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty-five seconds." the queen moaned dreamily. "Oh, wait... thirty-SIX~"
"That's quite enough, Syrup." King Marvin snapped. "How dare you disrespect me? That is not the Hero who saved you."
"He's not the Hero who married me." giggled Syrup.
"Silence!" Marvin said, his eyes burning with hatred.
"...Syrup, eh?" Lepant said saucily. "I much prefer your other name... isn't that right, my sweet, sugary Marma---"
"I SAID ENOUGH! Pseudo Knight Lepant, state your business here or I shall have you thrown out! That title belongs to our daughter now, and may the gods help us if you ever forget that!" Marvin bellowed, slamming his scepter on the side of his throne. Queen Syrup cringed.
"Marvin, please!" she pleaded, her eyes suddenly full of tears.
"I... am sorry, my love." apologized the King, suddenly remorseful. They both looked ready to burst into tears.
"Forgive me...!" she wailed, and the floodgates opened.
"I will...!" he cried, and, well, cried.
"That reminds me of why I came here." Lepant said without so much as blinking. Behind him, Giovanni, Ozzie, Kent and Haley just stared in disbelief. This place was too weird to be true. "I ran into one of your servants. He said that Princess Marmalade has been kidnapped. I wish to help."
"Oh, how sweet of you, Pantsalot!" Syrup bawled, calling him by her own freaky little pet name for him. "You would take up the sword again for us, and strike down the evil that is---"
"Don't speak it, my love!" the king urged, tears running down his face. "Besides," he said, a bit of his old frown returning, "Pseudo Knight Lepant has failed the Prophecy, and can never again fight in this kingdom's name---as much as he may want to, the cradle-robbing---"
"I would never lust for your daughter." Lepant promised, saluting. "Not in a million years. Is she pretty, though? But really, no, I would not. My honor is at stake!"
"Very well." Marvin said, now determined and completely bereft of tears. In fact, how the hell did they dry so fast?! "Then why did you come here?"
"I am determined to help in some way, even if I cannot officially fulfill the Prophecy once more. As an adventurer turned chef turned father, I am obligated." Lepant declared.
"And how do you intend to do that?" demanded the king.
"Um." Lepant said, somewhat stumped. "Unofficially?"
"Oh, Pantsalot, how sexy of you, bootlegging our Prophecy like that~~~" the queen said, making naughty gestures at Lepant with her tongue that were frankly quite distracting.
"That's not sexy, it's treason!!" sputtered Marvin. Lepant gave a rogueish wink.
"But isn't treason just a little bit sexy? Just a bit?" he said. The queen promptly fainted, practically orgasmic already at Lepant's presence.
"You're making me testy, Lepant." Marvin said through clenched teeth.
"If you just give them a tug, that usually clears up." Lepant suggested brightly.
"Testy, not testes! You've tried my patience enough! Begone and---" the king screamed, but was interrupted by a low, sweet ringing sound. A bell was ringing in the town below.
Immediately, Queen Syrup came to.
"Oh, my stars! The Bell of Prophecy rings! The Hero has come!" she gasped, leaping out of her chair and flying to the window. King Marvin followed, as did Lepant, Giovanni, Ozzie, and Haley.
"A new Hero? Salvation! The Princess's rescue is at hand!" Marvin shouted, overjoyed.
"Oh, no..." Haley moaned as she looked down upon the village.
"Oho! [ADVENTURE]!" Lepant cheered.
******
Once at her family's cottage, Eileen disbanded her team of cute animal helpers, save one bear, which helped her heft the injured man into the house and onto a bed. The bear departed without so much as a picnic basket, leaving her to tend to her patient.
The man groaned as he was helped onto the bed. At that point, it was clear he had something strapped to his back; there was a leather strap around his waist and one over his right shoulder. They both had buckles it was evident he couldn't comfortably reach.
"Could you...help me get this thing off?" he asked.
"Oh, goodness, of course." Eileen said, leaning over him to unbuckle the straps. Once undone, they fell limply at his sides. The man moved to get the rifle from beneath him, but let out a moan.
"Take that, but be careful with that thing. It likes to go off for little reason." he cautioned her.
"Oh, my..." she said, gingerly taking the weapon and placing it on a desk near the door.
"What, you've never seen one of those before?" he said, laughing slightly.
"It's just such a masculine instrument---so smooth, and firm... it's not often a woman like me gets to handle one like this." she replied shyly.
"I'd call you lucky, to not have been exposed to it before...what's your name, angel?" he said.
"I'm Eileen... though I think you're a bit dazed." she said frankly, "I'm a High Priestess, but no angel. What about you...?"
"Kurtz...just call me Kurtz." he introduced. He looked down to see his leg wound dripping blood on the bed. "Not to rush you, but I am making a bit of a mess...maybe you ought to help me out of the rest of these things so I can get clean."
"Certainly..." Eileen replied, "let's take off those pants, shall we?" She gently tugged at his pants until she had stripped them off in such a way as to irritate the wound as little as possible.
Kurtz winced as his pants were removed, exposing a large wound, about an inch in diameter and half an inch deep, on his leg.
"Oh... by the gods...! It's so big!" she gasped. "It just makes me want to rub ointment all over it."
"Be careful, it's very sore...it's been through the mill as of late." Kurtz warned her.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of hurting it further... the poor thing! So abused." Eileen said.
Kurtz leaned back luxuriously, taking a long and painful stretch; exposing all those naughty areas where the sun don't shine.
"Feel free to apply that ointment when you're ready." he said, desperately. He yearned for its cool relief.
"Just let me take your shirt off, first... nice and easy, now..." Eileen said, gingerly pulling his shirt over his head, and tossing it aside. There was another wound on his shoulder. Oh, and he was TOTALLY NAKED UPON THE BED WHERE SHE SO FREQUENTLY MADE LOVE. But she, the mother of a boy herself, was unfazed by his totally exposed and utterly sexy birthday suit. Well, mostly. Somewhat.
He sat there expectantly for a moment.
"Oh, yes, the ointments and such." she said, remembering. She ran off and after a few minutes, returned with a variety of bottles and jars, which she placed on the nightstand next to him.
"You wouldn't think less of me if I said I was nervous, I hope." Kurtz said, shuddering. She smiled warmly.
"Of course not." she reassured him. "Now, I should warn you, this may be a little uncomfortable at first, but it'll soon feel much better."
"All right," he said, wriggling just a bit in anticipation. "Let your hands work that magic."
******
Sheena determinedly rang a giant town bell, certain that it would summon someone who could help him stop that cow-guy from committing suicide. Sure enough, the bell rang long and loud.
When every member of the town came running, including what Sheena assumed was the royal family, he was worried that it might've worked a little too well. He suddenly surrounded by a crowd that included, he noted somewhat bitterly, the suicidal guy, now grinning widely.
"What's going on? I was just ringing that thing cuz that guy..." Sheena protested as a man in a white suit and hat hefted him into his arms. The crowd cheered. What the hell?
"Way to go, Sheena!" Lepant cheered from below. "Way to go!" What was going on? Had he made it to fame, without knowing it? Had love lifted him up where he belonged? ...Maybe not. But Sheena knew one thing: If his father was wholeheartedly supporting this, he had reason to worry.
"Hail to the Hero! Hail to the Hero!" the villagers chanted. "The Prophecy is fulfilled!"
WAIT A MINUTE. Sheena thought.
"Stop this little show right now!" Sheena protested. "What'd I DO?" They finally set him down at the steps of the castle. Several entirely too giddy looking soldiers presented him with a scroll, then a shield with the royal crest on it, then a sword with glittering emeralds in the handle. "Whoa..." Sheena said, backing away. "I'm not cut out for this crap..."
"What... is his name, Pseudo Knight Lepant?" asked the king, nearly drooling as he gazed at Sheena. Sheena found that just a little uncomfortable.
"His name... is Sheena!" Lepant announced. The crowd erupted into another fit of cheering.
"I now name you Trial Knight Sheena." the king declared, kneeling as tears of joy sped down his cheeks.
"Go forth, young Hero. You know your destiny." said the queen. Sheena could've sworn she made doe-eyes at Lepant while the king was kneeling, but it must've been his imagination.
"Um, actually... hold everything. Cuz I kind of DON'T."
"You hafta find the dragon, Sheena!" Kent said, wide-eyed. With that, the stunned crowd was absolutely silent. The queen stared awkwardly, but then she stopped looking at Lepant's crotch and continued.
"You must rescue Princess Marmalade, of course. She's being held captive in the dreaded...Gaslbmamor!" The assembled villagers screamed in unison. Several passed out.
"I told you not to say it, my love!" the king gasped.
"I'm sorry, but the Hero must face his fears!" the queen said tragically.
"I'm so confused." Sheena said, shaking his head.
"Sheena." Lepant said, coming forward. "You must understand. I, too, went on this quest, years ago."
"Um... so... the princess has been snatched before? Isn't she really old by now?" Sheena asked. The townsfolk gasped, scandalized.
"Of course not! This time, it's my daughter!" the queen said.
"Take that map in your hand, and travel to yonder Death Kingdom, Gaslbmamor." the king said gravely.
"I'm not sure... I... by myself?" squeaked Sheena.
"You may take one squire, and one of our people may guide you there." the king informed him.
"I'll guide him, Marvin." Lepant assured him.
"Very well, Lepant." Marvin said, glaring, "But no BOOTLEGGING my prophecy, or I'll be VERY UPSET."
"Sure thing." Lepant said.
"I'll be his squire!" Kent volunteered. Sheena's heart sunk. And then drowned. And died. Kent?
"Then I declare you, Trial Squire..." Marvin said.
"Kent!" the manic boy shouted in the king's face.
"Trial Squire Kent... Trial Knight Sheena... I wish you good fortune. Do not fret. The prophecy is always true." he said.
"Except that once." the queen coughed.
"It...uh... failed?" Sheena said. More cries, more scandal. Old ladies were dropping like flies.
"Only once." Marvin said icily. "And it was HIM." He indicated Lepant.
Oh. Well. That figured. Doomed to failure from the start. Sheena lamented.
"Go to destiny, boy!" the queen said, giving Kent a kiss on the forehead.
"Destiny be with you, too, fair Knight. I look forward to our future together." the queen told Sheena. He sure didn't like the sound of that. She kissed him as well.
"Good luck, Pantsalot. I know you're up to it." She kissed Lepant on the mouth. Sheena was fairly certain it included tongue. Oh, nasty...
"Now, now, Syrup my dear. I am married now." Lepant reminded her. She looked shattered.
"Of course. As am I." she said, monotone.
"Besides, I couldn't do that to my wife. She's the most faithful woman I've ever met." Lepant said, unfurling the map.
******
Eileen dipped her fingers into the jar of ointment, and slowly brought her hand down to touch Kurtz's bare leg, rubbing the medicinal remedy around and on the wound.
He cried out in pain.
"Not so hard!" he protested.
"I'm sorry! I'll be more gentle, I promise." Eileen apologized.
"It's all right, you're doing the best that you can." Kurtz said, sighing. Eileen set a couple bottles in her lap for easier access. She gestured to her lap and frowned slightly.
"Now, this one might burn a little---I've used it on a lot of men, so I've gotten used to the burning sensation---but I assure you the burning tapers off into this absolutely divine, kind of tingly feeling... " she cautioned Kurtz. Dabbing a bit on her hands, she rubbed it onto his shoulder wound. "How's that?"
Kurtz winced a bit, but it faded into a smile.
"That feels nice now."
"I hope you don't mind my saying you have a nice physique." Eileen commented. Kurtz blushed.
"I don't know about that." he said sheepishly.
"Oh, don't be shy about those gorgeous pecs." she gushed, "I'd be proud if I had your rippling muscles, well-built legs... rosy-red nipples... firm, but not too rough, skin... and just the right amount of hair in all the right places. Yes, sir, I'd be bragging all over town about my six feet, three inches of gyrating man-power. Goodness!"
By that point, understandably, Kurtz was beet red.
"Uhh...okay...." he said, not sure what to make of this woman. She just nodded. Just then, a soggy kitten bounded through the open window and onto the bed, stopping to catch its breath on Kurtz's leg.
"Oh! I'm sorry. My wet little pussy is dripping all over your leg, isn't it? How em-barrassing!" Eileen proclaimed.
"It's all right, it happens...it must be excited." Kurtz noted.
"Well, the poor thing's been cooped up for so long, it's certainly glad to get some fresh air!" she replied with a wide smile.
"Poor thing, locked up so often." Kurtz pitied.
"Its attention must've been grabbed by your writhing, naked body." Eileen observed.
"It's not the first time it's happened." said Kurtz simply.
"Would you mind excusing me for a second? I just have to go grab a few things... but if you really can't stand to wait until I get back, the ointment is right here---you could finish yourself off if you like." She said, getting up off the bed and taking the saturated kitten with her.
Kurtz shrugged, oiled up one hand, and began to finish himself off.
Eileen re-entered the room suddenly, looking ever more concerned.
"On second thought, you poor dear... you're not well." she decided, approaching the bedside. "You shouldn't be doing that all by yourself. Just sit back and relax for a while. Since you'll be taking it easy for a while, do you mind if I polish your tool for you?" She pointed to the rifle on the desk.
"Of course, it's not much good if it isn't." Kurtz said.
"I suppose that makes sense." Eileen said, polishing it, "You know, my husband would love to get his hands on something like this, even just once. He's always been a little eccentric."
"Really? He sounds adventurous. Not many men would want to handle it." Kurtz said, somewhat surprised. Eileen chuckled.
"Adventurous is a good word for it. Some people just call it outright flamboyant. But I love him." she said, getting a dreamy, far-off look on her face. Not really paying attention to what she was doing, she continued to polish, and as expected, the gun fired, hitting the wall above the headboard of the bed. "Ooops! It went off!"
Kurtz looked up.
"I warned you... now you have a steamy hole."
"Oh, dear... I barely touched it, though, and it just... shot! Clear to the wall!" Eileen fretted.
"At least no one's hurt...it's hurt people before, as it has such force." Kurtz said seriously.
"Oh, my! You're kidding!"
"Afraid not. It's dangerous if you're not careful."
Eileen looked hurt.
"I'm sorry. I'll be more careful next time---whoops!" The gun fired again, this time into the depths of the mattress. Little clouds of stuffing went everywhere. In an effort to dodge the bullet, as it were, Kurtz practically jumped out of bed, but hit the bedside table, knocking over a bottle full of honey---part of Eileen's recipe for homemade remedies. That, or something Lepant left by the bed. Ew.
"Oh, oh, oh, no! I'm so sorry!" Eileen cried, "I pulled too hard on that little part of it again! Are you okay?!"
"I think so..." Kurtz said, trying to move. "But now there's a gooey, sticky mess all over the place."
"There certainly is... I'll go grab some towels, though, so don't you worry." Eileen said. She turned to go, then laughed musically. "Unless you'd rather watch me lick it up on my hands and knees?" Kurtz laughed awkwardly.
"No, I don't think that'll be necessary."
With that, Eileen left the room to fetch some towels.
******
"Um... spandex?" Sheena said uncertainly, standing before a mirror. A pretty young maid nodded in response, throwing him a bundle of cloth.
"It's the Spandex of Destiny, Trial Knight Sheena." she said, ever so chipper. It kinda creeped him out, though he still wasn't above undressing her with his mind. Mmm, maid...
"I don't really feel comfortable with that idea." Sheena informed her, to no avail. "I thought knights wore ARMOR..."
"Armor is so heavy and ungainly. And it doesn't display the royal crest properly. Besides, this is [Enchanted Spandex]." the maid said, complete with those sparkly eyes so often seen on Kent.
"Did you just speak in brackets?" Sheena asked worriedly, backing up.
"Come now, young knight. Try them on!" she urged.
"In front of you??" Sheena gasped, reddening.
"Well, I have to see if they fit properly, don't I?" the maid reminded him, smiling. Sheena could not BELIEVE it! This was his chance! His heart was pounding out of his chest. So many things flew through his head at once, he wasn't sure where to begin. Should he take his pants off, then proposition her, or just throw her on the bed and have his way with her? The mind boggled at the possibilities...
He practically ripped his shirt off.
"I'm so happy to finally meet a Hero. I've waited forever for the chance... I was beginning to think you wouldn't come!" the maid gushed.
Oh, I won't come until you beg me for it, baby, heheh... Sheena thought to himself. Yeah, he was bad.
"So eager, too." the maid said.
"Chelsea!" came an authoratative voice from outside the bedchamber he was changing in. "Chelsea, you're needed upstairs--something just spilled all over and we need as many of you as we can to clean it up, fast!"
"But... I'm busy with the Hero's fitting right now!" Chelsea protested.
"Come on, now! Brutus will cover for you." the voice called again. Fretting, Chelsea departed.
...Brutus? Sheena thought worriedly. Maybe, with luck, he'd end up with a particularly butch lesbian who wouldn't mind turning straight just for him.
Brutus, as it turned out, was a hulking six-foot-eleven inch tall BEAST, and was nearly as wide. Not an inch of him wasn't covered in thick, smelly hair. He also had large, meaty hands that were probably capable of snapping Sheena in half.
"You. Strip. Now." he grunted. Sheena opened his mouth to argue, but all that came out was a sound that resembled a feminine mouse being stomped on.
I hate you, life. he silently cursed, obeying.
Outside, Kent was already in spandex and raring to go. Lepant, thankfully, was not. In spandex, that is. He was always ready to go.
"So, Kent, I do believe I've neglected to ask you this all this time..." Lepant said, "But is it true what they've said about your parents' marriage being on the rocks?"
"W-wha...? I don't understand, Mister Lepant." Kent said, confused.
"Your PARENTS, boy. You know, their union. Doomed from the start. Down the dark road to divorce. And the like?" Lepant said.
"N-no... my parents love each other... and they love me... and I love dragons...!" Kent wailed, teary-eyed.
"Nonsense. They won't even stay together for your sake, you mark my words. Two people were never more mismatched." Lepant announced. Kent began wailing, devastated.
"...What, you're making children cry now?" Giovanni said sarcastically, walking over from somewhere in the village. His pockets were stuffed full.
"You're one to talk." Lepant said, sticking his tongue out.
"Fool." Giovanni muttered.
"Amateur." Lepant mumbled with a roll of the eyes.
Sheena emerged from the castle, red-faced. He felt way too exposed in that ridiculous spandex nonsense thing, but it was much better compared to where he'd just been.
"You look like you've seen a ghost." Giovanni remarked.
"Or a dragon! I met a dragon named Brutus in there." Kent said, perking up and wiping his tears. Sheena went white.
"T-that's not a frickin' dragon, Kent." he said through clenched teeth.
"How do you know?" Kent asked.
"I..." Sheena sighed, going to the old standby. "It told me as it died a horrible, violent death." Kent's heart broke.
"N-no! Not Brutus!"
"Yes." Sheena said, miserable that he was getting his satisfaction from killing a young boy's dreams. Oh, well. It was KENT, after all.
"B-brutussss!" Kent wailed. He removed his hat, and put it on his heart.
Oh no... Here it comes...
"I'll always love you, Brutus..." Kent sniffled, "From East to West, South to North, with all my Heart. You will always be... my dragon." Somewhere, bagpipes played tragically.
When Sheena realized it was Lepant playing them, he realized he was probably going to die before things got better.
******
Kurtz arched his back, a flash of pain eliciting a moan of agony from the Gunner.
"Oh, KURTZ! I'm COMING~!" Eileen gasped... running back into the room, that is. She slipped on the spilled honey, however, and just missed taking out an eye on the nightstand as she hit the floor.
"Are you okay!?" Kurtz cried.
"Ohhh... dear... that was almost mind-blowing! But I'm okay, so let's get you cleaned up, shall we? It's all over your chest and ab-tastic stomach." Eileen said. She proceeded to get up and wipe the honey off of him.
"Thank you, Eileen...but could you help me stand up?" he asked.
"Of course." she said. "You're probably terribly chilled, too. I can help you put your clothes back on if you like. Those ointments I applied should help slow the bleeding, may the Fourth be willing."
With Eileen's help, Kurtz was able to stand up.
"Thanks...and I'd like to have clothes again, I'm cold."
"Here are your pants..." she said, helping him with those before moving onto the rest. "And here's the shirt." She assisted him with that as well.
"So...what now?" Kurtz asked. Eileen's brow furrowed.
"I don't feel comfortable shooing you out that door just yet--not after what you've been through. So, perhaps we can have lunch or something. I'll fix a lovely meal!"
Kurtz smiled.
"I'd be honored." he said. She helped him over to the dining table, then scooted off to fix lunch.
"Sit tight!" she said before disappearing into the kitchen. Soon, she returned with a plate full of sandwiches.
"Here you are. I'm afraid my husband's the true chef of the household... I miss him so." she confessed.
Kurtz took a bite of the sandwich, chewed it, and finally swallowed it.
"Actually, this is good." he assured her.
"Oh, you're just saying that. If my husband were here, he'd have fixed you his delicious Lepant Surprise." Eileen said.
"Lepant Surprise?" he said hesitantly.
"Oh, it's scrumptious." she said. After a moment, she sighed. "I hope they're doing all right."
"Who's doing all right?"
"My husband, my son, and my sweet Giovanni are out there, all alone, and vulnerable!" she said, wringing her hands, "The urge to chase after them and save them is rising with each passing moment!"
"Uh, too bad?" Kurtz said uncomfortably.
"So, what's your story?" Eileen asked with a winning smile.
"...I'm on the run." Kurtz replied between bites.
"Oh, my goodness! What if someone hurts you?!" Eileen gasped. There was a long pause. "...Oh. Wait."
"What?"
"I forgot that you were already hurt. Silly me."
"It's okay." Kurtz said, smiling and eating more sandwich.
"So, Kurtz." Eileen said gravely, "There's one burning question that I've been waiting to ask you since I first laid eyes on you..."
"Go on." he said, blinking.
"I... " she began, but fell asleep, her face hitting sandwich. She was snoring in a couple of seconds.
Kurtz just stared and debated moving to help her, in between bites.
******
Sheena, Kent and Lepant moved through the woods like a force of nature. A force of nature determined to save the stupid princess so they could get out of the spandex outfits and back into REAL clothing, Sheena thought bitterly.
Black clouds gathered overhead, visible through the cracks in the thick forest canopy. Yes, it was altogether dark.
"Don't move!" Kent said, breathing excitedly. "I think I felt a dragon just now!"
"That's my thigh, lad. I advise you let it go, though I admit you've just woken me up for the rest of the journey." Lepant said pleasantly.
"How far's this place?" Sheena asked.
"Look at the map." Kent suggested.
"It's too dark to read it, twerp!" Sheena replied irritably.
"...if a dragon was here, he'd breathe fire and light everything up so you could read---"
"There aren't any dragons here! Just keep walking!" Sheena said.
"Hmph. What about that one you were hiding in your drawers this morning?" Kent demanded. Sheena choked.
"You can only learn about that dragon when.... you're... older..." Sheena lied.
"Older, indeed." Lepant chuckled. Sheena didn't want to think about what that meant.
"Look, there's a dark and evil castle!" Kent cried, pointing upward. Poking out of the veil of trees ahead of them were black spires, undoubtedly their objective.
"Time to go, Hero." Sheena muttered, marching forward. How did he get into these things?
Next time someone wanted to kill themself, he would hand them the knife and say, "Get on with it."
