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commentary:
PSI OF THE ROUND TABLE
Here it is, another commentary for your pleasure. So this is PSI of The Round Table, which I don't remember much at all. The roleplay itself came about because I was fighting Lancelot once again and I had already been to England, so what to do now? Well I thought a medieval fair would be perfect, given the fact his name was Lancelot and all. Although I have a fiery hatred of these fairs I must admit I have never actually been to one, but I can just tell that I'd hate it. I think any sort of reenactment group is really stupid. Like those Civil War guys - they should really get a new hobby. Build ships in bottles or something guys. Hm...got off on a rant. Let's get this moving.
(The scene opens up with the camera focusing on a large banner that says "Welcome To Ye Olde
Medieval Faire." The camera pans down and we see PSI.)
STUPAC-
"Dude, why did you drag us here?"
HELLINGS-
"I know I need to get inside my opponent's head for a match! If I'm going to beat Lancelot
I have to know where he's coming from. The last time I faced him, we went to England and that did
nothing for me! Granted, he cheated, but I still need to step it up another notch and get inside his
head."
I really don't remember the outcome of that match, so I'll go by what this says. I guess this was my attempt to justify how I lost, since The Boy insists that he's better than everyone.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Besides, Stu, it'll be fun! This so totally rules!"
HELLINGS-
"It does?"
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Yeah, this reminds me of that movie 'A Knight's Tale'!"
That movie sucks. If Tommy is excited to be at the fair purely because of that movie, well...I have no respect for him.
HELLINGS-
"I hate you."
STUPAC-
"Are you sure this will help?"
HELLINGS-
"Hey, if nothing else I need some questions answered. You know what? I've been doing some
reading and it would seem as though our little friend Lancelot hasn't been entirely truthful with us!'
DAMON GEST-
"What have you heard Scottycalifradgilisticexpealidocious?"
That is by far my favourite Damon line. Whether or not that's spell right or not I can't say. Close enough anyway.
HELLINGS-
"It seems Lancelot is actually an imposter! The real Lancelot died in 573! If you ask me, we got a
fraud! This is the worse case of fradualent identity since Fake Diesel!"
Oh for the love of...did I ever follow my own rules back in the day? By the way, I am really hoping that information about Lancelot is correct. How much research did I do for this? I went to the first website Google brought up for me. So, if they were wrong, so am I. I like how I just believe everything I see on the Internet too. Because, you know, EVERYTHING on the Internet is completely accurate.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"NEVER bring up Diesel again! I was just beginning to forget about him!"
(Tommy shudders).
STUPAC-
"Hey! Wasn't Lancelot at a gym with Kevin Nash in his last promo?"
I don't remember that either. But, regardless, that really is a stretch, isn't it? I mean, Kevin Nash doesn't go to gyms! That would require effort!
HELLINGS-
"Hey yeah, that's right! Seems to me like we have a little conspiracy on our hands boys. I think we should
go in and investigate!"
(The four men enter the fair grounds when they are met by a young man, dressed as squire at the entrance gates).
KID-(Sounding, bored and surly)
"Hear ye, hear ye! By order of the King, I decree thee to have a great time! Don't forget to visit ye olde beer
grounds on thou way out."
I have studied ye olde English. Honest. Actually, for a grammar class I took at school, we had this assignment where we had to adpt some modern form of writing into some other type of writing. I took "Come out and Play" by The Offspring and adapted it into Chaucer-style English. You know, the REALLY old English that doesn't even look like English? Yeah, I only got like 75% on that. Come on! I was the only person who did the hard option and I didn't get at least a 90? Anyway, that's me ranting again.
(They continue to talk as they walk around the grounds).
HELLINGS-
"I guess it's good to know that Big E has something to fall back on, once he's outta work. Which can't come soon enough, I might add! But once it does finally happen, he can be the dorky guy at the gate!"
MC TOMMY DEE-
"I don't know, being the entrance lacky at medieval fairs probably isn't hardcore enough for Big E."
Damn, I have to admit that was pretty darn funny. Good job me, you get a pat on the back! It's odd, but it always seemed to work out that the lines I thought were funny barely got a reaction out of people, but then a line I wrote that was just sort of there got a huge response from people. It could be the most mundane line too, and people would MSN me and tell me they found it completely hilarious. Every single time too - it never failed. It could be a line like, "see you later." Which isn't meant to be funny, it's there for a purpose, but people would be talk to me on MSN and be like, "see you later, LMAO." That can really be the most frustrating thing for a writer: the things you find great, others hate and then the things that are just there get the biggest reactions. I must do the mundane things really well.
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, whatever. As soon as he loses that Hardcore Title, I'm sure people will realise how much he sucks and he'll be gone!"
STUPAC-
"I don't know though, that guy seems pretty attached to that title. I'm sure he would stop at nothing to keep it!"
DAMON GEST-
"Obssessive about a beltganza? That sounds kinda familiar-ific."
STUPAC-
"Oh, by the way Scott, I took your IC Title to get polished yesterday when I took my title in."
HELLINGS-(With a crazed look in his eyes)
"You touched my belt?!"
Big E did this gimmick were he was obsessed with his belt. Hm....where have I heard of that before? Oh yeah, I did that exact thing. Dude ripped me off! Well, at least he couldn't pick a better person to steal from. After all, I am The Boy and that does mean I am The Best! Actually, I'm not sure he was really around when I had that gimmick really going. But, still, it smelled of a cheap ripoff. Actually, there was a couple of other times I remember him doing something that seemed vaguely similar to something I had done or said. I don't think he was actually ripping me off, but I sure liked to bug him about it in my roleplays.
(A possible confrontation is avoided when Damon walks right into a large rock with a sword in it.)
I vaguely remember that "Sword in the Stone" Disney flick and that's why I'm referencing it here I guess. I never liked it though.
DAMON GEST-
"Scoreopoly! A swordtation!"
(Damon pulls the sword out of the rock. A siren goes off and suddenly actor Martin Lawrence appears.)
Doesn't Martin Lawrence have better things to do than show up at random medieval fairs....nevermind. I know the answer to that.
MARTIN LAWRENCE-
"Hey man, way to go! You are the first one to successfully pull Excalibur out of the sword! That means you have just won two tickets
to see my new movie, 'Black Knight'!"
I'd rather shoot myself. Does anyone remember that film? Did anyone actually see it? I really hate Martin Lawrence I really do. Anytime he has a movie that fails, I applaud. The only thing I ever liked him in was Bad Boys. Bad Boys II? Not so much.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Who are you?"
MARTIN LAWRENCE-
"I'm Martin Lawrence! (They all meet him with blank stares.) You know, from 'Big Momma's House'!"
DAMON GEST-
"You made that? You bastardoppatomus!"
(Damon rushes Lawrence and bashes his head into the rock and applies Legatosis.)
Once again, Damon displays that he has anger management issues.
MC TOMMY DEE-(Putting his hand on Hellings' shoulder)
"We should go."
HELLINGS-
"Yeah, Damon's probably gonna be pretty busy."
STUPAC-
"So far this has been pretty useless, dude."
Truer words have never been spoken.
HELLINGS-
"Give it time!"
If I have to.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Alright well you boys have fun, I'm off to find The Holy Grail."
STUPAC-
"Hey isn't that what The Knights of The Round Table searched for?"
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Yeah, so?"
HELLINGS-
"You're no knight buddy."
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Well, we are all sorta knights in the RWW. We're sorta....PSI Of The Round Table!"
I...I don't get my logic there either.
STUPAC-
"I hate you."
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Hey, it works! And you know what else? Not only are we knights, we are the knights who say 'NI!' "
I don't know what my justification was, but I felt I had to throw in a lot of Monty Python references here, possibly because of their Holy Grail film. Regardless, I'm not a huge Python fan like some people; I like it, but I can't just start quoting sketches. I'm not one of those people who just launch into the dead parrot bit. So, the base knowledge I had to draw off here was limited. Which is why Tommy pretty much disappears. It's horribly convenient, I know. Note Damon is also busy. It's not coincidence.
HELLINGS-
"So help me, if I hear one more Monty Python reference I will kill you."
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Whatever. I'm off to find The Holy Grail!"
(Tommy leaves. Stu and The Boy wonder over to where some bleachers. The crowd is getting watching a jousting competition. The two men charge at each other
with their horses. One man knocks over the other and wins the contest. A announcer then comes over the PA system.)
ANNOUNCER-
"And that is the final competition of the day. The finals will be tomorrow."
STUPAC-
"Dude! You know what that means, don't you?"
HELLINGS-
"No, what?"
STUPAC-(Trying not to laugh)
"We just saw The Last Joust! Get it? Lancelot's finisher? HAHAHHAHA!!!!"
I should pursue a career in comedy. Seriously. I mean, if Martin Lawrence can do it...
(As Stu breaks out into uncontrollable laughter Hellings get to his feet.)
HELLINGS-
"I'm going now. And by the way, I hate you."
(The Boy walks off, as does Stupac. Stu walks over to a sign on the front of tent that reads 'Authentic Medieval Feast, Only $2.99!' He smiles and walks into the tent.)
Outdoor feast for only $2.99? Mmm...tastes like food-borne illness.
STUPAC-
"That's it! This totally sucks! This is not a medieval feast! You wanna see medieval? I'm gonna have to get medieval on one of you guys for such a crappy meal! $2.99? What a ripoff!"
That "get medieval" line makes me groan. What was I thinking?
(One of the festival workers walks over to Stu.)
MAN-
"Excuse me, sir. I'm terribly sorry that you are not pleased with the meal. However, I'm gonna have to ask you to settle down."
STUPAC-
"Are you really?"
I'm sorry, but when I read that just now, it made me instantly think of Tazz doing disembodied commentary for Smackdown 3 on PS2. Anyone who played the game knows what I'm talking about. "I wanna see....THE ROCK...doing a....THE ROCK BOTTOM." HIlariously bad.
MAN-
"Yes, please stay calm, sir. I can refund your money if you want."
STUPAC-
"Yeah? You know what? I challenge thee to a duel!"
I swear every third roleplay I wrote back in the day had someone challenging someone else to a duel.
(Stu grabs a pair of workgloves on a nearby table and slap the man across the face with them.)
MAN-
"Sir, I do not want to fight you."
STUPAC-
"Yeah? Well then Face Your Fears!"
(Stupac picks the man up and delivers The Fear Factor right through the table of food. A bunch of security officials rush over to break up the fight and check on the man. The scene cuts to where Scott
"The Boy" Hellings is seen walking up to a man dressed as a knight. The man is working the information tent.)
HELLINGS-
"Excuse me, I'm glad I caught you. I need to ask a favor."
KNIGHT-
"Certainly."
HELLINGS-
"Listen, I know you're a knight and all and I need you to do something for me. I know this woman, I think she's a witch! I know how you hate witches! Anyway, she seems to have given
her fiance the power to make people ill, she MUST be a witch!"
You knew I HAD to stick a Mercy/Sickness reference in here somewhere. Just in case I hadn't quite beat that joke to death yet. At least this one was original.
KNIGHT-
"Uh, sir, I'm not REALLY a knight. It's just a costume and, besides, the witch hunt would not be seen for several more years!"
HELLINGS-
"Oh I see. You're trying to weasel out of it! Well listen, pal, I've done some reading and I know that you HAVE to go after this woman!"
KNIGHT-
"Sir you don't understand...."
HELLINGS-
"No, YOU don't understand! I know that one of the tens codes of behavior that all knights must live by is to 'wage unceasing and merciless war against all that
is evil!' If a guy running around making people intentionally making people sick isn't evil, I don't know what is!"
Actually, I don't really know that, I had to do some research. Not sure how accurate it really is. Funny thing about the notion of chivalry: these days it's interpreted as proper conduct given towards a woman, but it was initially part of a code of conduct for knights which dictated how they were to act in battle. You know, stuff like not being cheap and stabbing a guy in the back and stuff like that. That much I DO know.
KNIGHT-
"But sir..."
HELLINGS-
"Have you learned nothing from (making quotations marks with his fingers) 'The Plague?' You, sir, are a coward!"
Evidently a lot of people haven't; I think a lot of people don't realize that botox is actually just poison you're injecting into your face. Talk about playing with fire. Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me, but it shows that people kind of forget how potentially deadly things are. By the way, why does The Boy think this guy is actually a knight? Like he acts as though the guy was there during the Black Plague. It's kind of a stretch in logic for the sake of a Mercy joke.
KNIGHT-
"Hey! I..."
(Hellings doesn't wait for an answer. He just picks the man up by the throat and delivers The Chokeslam to HELLings. Several security guards come by and drag Hellings away. The scene cuts to the entrance gates where the
rest of PSI is waiting for him.)
Did I ever write a roleplay where some extra didn't receive a chokeslam? Very few. But that's why I liked the move initially, because it could be delivered from out of nowhere. My new move (The Test Drive/Roll of the Dice/whatever else it's called) has a slightly longer setup, but at least it can be delivered to anyone, whereas chokeslamming someone who is like 7 feet tall and 500 pounds seems a bit of a stretch for The Boy.
HELLINGS-
"Hey guys. Did you get kicked out too?"
STUPAC-
"Yeah I got kicked out for complaining about the medieval feast and viciously attacking several workers. They so totally blew it all out of proportion!"
DAMON GEST-
"I gotta beat Martin Lawrenceification."
I wish that were true.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"I was accused of shoplifting. I saw The Holy Grail in the souvenir shop. Turns out, it was a fake and it wasn't for taking, you had
to actually buy it. Yeah, whatever."
They had a fake Holy Grail in the gift shop? "Look kids! A religious artifact! Sacreligious yes, but that's one heck of a deal!" And do medieval fairs even have gift shops?
HELLINGS-
"I was kicked out for attacking a guy I thought was a real knight."
STUPAC-
"You actually thought he was a real knight?"
HELLINGS-
"No, but I was hoping that I could con him into taking out Mercy. I mean, I'd do it, but anytime you get near the guy, you get The Sickness! Who wants that?"
Ah, at least I explained my momentary lapse of...sanity. At least I was covering my bases. You know, looking back on it, I could have done so much with that sickness angle. I could have refused to compete in matches because I had The Sickness. Or maybe I could have had Mercy dragged off to some medical centre to be tested or something like that, so I wouldn't have to face him in a match or something silly like that. *sigh* Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 I suppose.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Makes sense."
STUPAC-
"Did you learn everything you need to know for your match?"
HELLINGS-
"No. My visit was cut short!"
MC TOMMY DEE-
"You know I hear there is another medieval festival about an hour from here. This one takes place just before
The Industrial Revolution."
Where the hell are we that has so many medieval fairs within a hundred mile radius? Seriously.
DAMON GEST-
"Is that anything like the Hardcore Revolutionacola?"
HELLINGS-
"I hope not."
STUPAC-
"Maybe this one will have dragons!"
Now that would be impressive. Even I would go to one of those fairs to see a dragon.
HELLINGS-
"Score!"
(Stu and The Boy exchange high fives)
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Wait a minute, we're not talking White Dragons, are we?"
I just couldn't resist making fun of White Dragon.
(They all shudder)
HELLINGS-
"It could be. Cause, as usual, Chris Jericho doesn't have a match at the pay per view! The fans still hate him for creating White Dragon. I know it, you know it, the whole damn world knows it!"
STUPAC-
"Yeah, and you get to be there because you are The Boy and that SO means you are The Best!"
(Stu and The Boy give each other a high five.)
I swear that Stu and were so dangerously close to be Bill and Ted, that it would make Keanu Reeves jealous. Duuuude.
MC TOMMY DEE-
"Right, well it's better to be safe than sorry. I don't want to risk seeing White Dragon again. Let's go rent 'First Knight' instead."
I only know of like three medieval-era films apparently.
DAMON GEST-
"Agreed."
(The four of them walk off. Fade to black.)
Well that it's it. Not bad. There was some pretty funny stuff in there. As an actual roleplay it didn't really deal with the match much, but none of my old roleplays did really. I mean the concept did, but not the content so much. If that makes sense. At least I acknowledged I had a match though - that's key. It was another roleplay that I felt was a lot better than a lot of people gave it credit for. Not to say that people hated it or anything, but it never got the reaction that something like "PSI in Jolly Old England" got. Even though this was similar in some ways. Go figure. Anyway, that's it for me.
  
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