commentary: PSI ON 'DINNER AND A MOVIE'

Alright, welcome to what was actually the very first commentary I ever did for the site. This was chosen as the first roleplay to comment on because it was an award-winning roleplay back in it's heyday, which I find kinda scary now. I believe I've explained the background of this roleplay a million times before, but I'll summarize again. Okay, so Vince had just bought WCW and my friends and I were joking about all the guys who weren't bought out by Vince and brought to the brighter pastures (??) of WWE. Especially since so many of their top guys weren't orginally in their plans. You had guys like Sting, Flair, Goldberg, Nash, Hall, Hogan, Steiner, Jarrett, Sid, and so on and so on...not bought out. It was quite comical to my friends and I since we always hated WCW (more or less) and especially hated their so-called main eventers. So we joked about what these guys would do with themselves after WCW. We felt that they would be stuck working for Ted Turner for the rest of their insanely long and expensive contracts. I joked they would be stuck with that awful TBS show "Dinner and a Movie," and thus a roleplay was born. Originally my friends were a little upset that I had used that joke as a roleplay, but after reading it they loved it. I hope you do too. As much as you can anyway. Of course, as I mentioned on the roleplays page, it's quite dated now. Still, as much as I rag on it these days, it is still somewhat entertaining I think. Pretty much any WWE (nee F) fan of the Attitude era would probably appreciate this.

(The scene opens up with the intro to Dinner and a Movie on TBS. After it is finished we find ourselves looking at the set of the show. The announcer introduces the hosts for the show-former WCW stars Goldberg and Sting. The two wrestlers then enter the shot. Sting looks completely unhappy to be on the show, while Goldberg simply looks intensely at the camera.)

STING-(In a monotone, uninterested voice)
"Thank you for watching Dinner and a Movie. As always, I am Sting-former WCW wrestler forced to work for Ted Turner until my Time Warner contract expires. And with me as always is Goldberg."

Of course I always thought Sting was great and I felt bad that he wasn't coming to WWE. He was always one of their better guys so Sting is obviously quite bored and upset with this job he no doubt feels is "beneath him." Seeing him in TNA recently though, I don't feel as bad anymore. The Stinger definitely has some ring rust on him.

GOLDBERG-(Yelling)
"YOU'RE NEXT!"

STING-
"Yeah, whatever. And with us once again is The Undead Corpse of Ric Flair."

(The camera pans to the left a bit to show Ric Flair lying face down on the kitchen table. We see the cameraman kick Flair's leg and he looks up.)

RIC FLAIR-(Somewhat out of breath and barely audible)
"Wooo!"

My friends and I have always (and still do) joked about how Ric Flair is an undead corpse. Seriously, how old is the guy? So I tried to make him as listless as humanly possible here to emphasize that fact. Make no mistake about it, Ric Flair is the scariest man alive. Or should that be undead?

(The camera swings back to show Sting and Goldberg.)

STING-
"Uh huh. Well, once again this week we are going to be cooking Cornflakes because that's all we really know how to make. (Sting motions for the camera to come in closer and he whispers to the audience at home.) Besides, they won't let Bill use the stove."

I love the idea that Goldberg is not allowed to use the stove. I'm not saying the man is a dangerous psychopath, but clearly...

(The camera cuts back to Flair.)

RIC FLAIR-(In a very raspy voice)
"Wooo!"

(Goldberg grabs a frying pan and uses it to smack Flair in the head with a lot of force. The camera cuts back to Sting.)

STING-
"Psycho. Anyway, this week we will be watching 'Cliffhanger' starring Sylvester Stallone.... again. (Sighs.) And our special guests this week are RWW superstars Scott Hellings and PSI-Mr. Style Jay Zee, MC Tommy Dee and Damon Gest."

(The four men walk into the shot. MC Tommy Dee is obviously a bit apprhensive towards Goldberg. He, like Jay is wearing his tag title around his waist. Hellings, as always, has his Intercontinental title over his shoulder.)

GOLDBERG-(Shouting and pointing to the foursome)
"YOU'RE NEXT!"

(MC Tommy Dee yelps and leaps into the arms of Jay.)

MR. STYLE-(Smiling and nodding)
"Do you have any idea how many women have done that to me before?"

That's a reference to Jay being some sort of ladies man. Not sure if that jokes works, but whatever. At the very least, it stressed the whole idea of Goldberg being unstable, and that's good enough for me dammit.

STING-
"Thank you for being on the show. Wow, it must be nice to be wrestling."

HELLINGS-
"Yeah. Hey, why aren't you in a ring instead of being here?"

STING-
"I haven't been given a buyout from any of the major federations. So, Ted Turner figured that since I was under contract I might as well be doing something for him."

HELLINGS-
"I am so sorry. I would much rather have you in RWW than those Renegade losers."

This refers to the major angle in RWW at the time, which involved all these different invading factions, among them being a group known as the Renegades. Interesting fact: The Boy was actually asked to be a part of The Renegades, but I declined because I felt I was a RWW type of guy.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Yeah, those guys could use a Stinger Splash or two, if you know what I mean!"

MR. STYLE-
"Are you coming on to Sting?"

DAMON GEST-
"Yeah, those guys are a bunch of suckatrons!"

STING-
"Well I'd love to help you out, but I'm stuck here. Actually, I'm not the only one in this mess. Dustin Rhodes and Jeff Jarrett are playing The Duke Boys in TBS' new series 'Dukes of Hazzard 2001.'"

Of course "Dukes of Hazzard" got revived, thanks (??) to Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, and Jessica Simpson. I'm ahead of my time, aren't I? Dustin Rhodes and Jarrett could actually almost work a gimmick based off that show too, that's why it's scary.

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Really?"

STING-
"Yeah and Bam Bam Bigelow is Boss Hog. They're filming right now in Studio 4C."

MC TOMMY DEE-
"DUDE! I SO have to see this!"

(MC Tommy Dee runs out of the room to go watch 'The Dukes of Hazzard 2001.' Mr. Style sits down at the table with Ric Flair, fascinated.)

MR. STYLE-
"Uh......is he still alive?"

STING-
"Don't know. We're actually amazed that he has been around this long."

(Mr. Style picks up a spatula and pokes Flair with it. Flair looks up at the camera.)

RIC FLAIR-
"Wooo!"

STING-
"Well before we start the film, let's make our Cornflakes. Scott?"

HELLINGS-
"First take the Cornflakes and pour them into a bowl. Then, uh...just take some milk and pour it in and serve."

Of course I chose Cornflakes because (a) it's lame, (b) the roleplay was already getting to be lengthy and I couldn't waste time on writing out some sort of roleplay and (c) I don't know how to cook and that's about the easiest thing for me to explain. I hope you find it funny. If not, well...screw you then.

STING-
"If you want a copy of our recipee please send $75 to TBS."

It's funny because it's expensive. Trust me.

HELLINGS-
"Well that sucked. Can we watch the film now?"

STING-
"Whatever."

GOLDBERG-
"IT'S NEXT!"

I'll beat that joke to death if I have to.

(The films starts up and after a half an hour we are once again watching the group inside the kitchen. The camera shows Damon Gest looking around the counters.)

DAMON GEST-(Picks up a coffee maker)
"Dude-icus! A Dcaffmaster coffee maker! These things really get around."

An old joke no one gets now I don't think. Or maybe they do. Dcaffmaster was a wrestler around the same time. Jon (aka Damon) joked about that name being for some sort of coffee maker. Interesting fact: I found out years later it truly is supposed to be pronounced "decaf" as in caffeine-free coffee. I always assumed you actually pronounced it some other weird way. Call me crazy, but that seems like a strange name for a wrestler. Especially since I don't recall his gimmick ever surrounding coffee. Or even being from Colombia or anything dumb like that. Whatever.

(The camera cuts back to Jay and Flair at the table.)

MR. STYLE-
"Hey watch this! (Jay clears his throat.) Nature Boy!"

RIC FLAIR-(Looks up)
"Wooo!"

MR. STYLE-
"Nature Boy!"

RIC FLAIR-(looks up again)
"Wooo!"

MR. STYLE-
"Nature Boy!"

RIC FLAIR-(barely manages to look up one more time)
"Wooo.........(trails off as his face collapses onto the table again.)

MR. STYLE-
"Man, isn't that great?"

I think this is the funniest bit in the entire roleplay. I still laugh at it and it's my bit. That's right—I make myself laugh. I often just sit around and tell myself jokes that I made up and I just laugh and laugh. Clearly, I am a very funny person. You might not get that from this roleplay, but believe me it is there somewhere.

HELLINGS-
"It's kinda like Pavlov and his dog."

MR. STYLE-
"I just can't believe we've actually managed to find someone more out of it than Scott Hall!"

Sweet! Drunken Scott Hall reference! You could also sub in a similar joke about Jake Roberts, but this is about WCW, so Hall makes more sense. Regardless...they're both drunken bums.

(The camera cuts back to Hellings, Sting, Damon and Goldberg.)

HELLINGS-
"Wow! Someone call 'Ripley's' !"

STING-(Obviously not getting the joke)
"Oh yeah, that's on after us. Dean Cain is hosting it with Scott Steiner."

In case you don't remember (or never cared) Dean Cain used to actually host a "Ripley's" show on TBS at the time. I thought it was hilarious that he would be teamed with Steiner. Wait for the payoff to that joke later though...

DAMON GEST-(With a look of disgust on his face.)
"That' s crap-erific!"

GOLDBERG-
"It's next!"

STING-
"Uh huh. Well anyways, Scott how do you feel about the UWF invading the RWW?"

CAUTION! This is the first real instance of me trying to make this into an actual roleplay and not just a giant inside joke about how much my friends and I hated WCW. It's funny, because I always say roleplays should be about wrestling and should relate to the show...this one doesn't and it was my most popular. Maybe I need to rethink things?

HELLINGS-
"You know, it's kinda like 'Cliffhanger'here. The RWW superstars are kinda like Stallone. We have to battle the bad guys and save the day."

At the time I wrote this I swear to you "Cliffhanger" was on every single night on TBS. Somtimes twice a night. Now I think "Miss Congeniality" has taken that spot. Which just furthers my agenda of hating Sandra Bullock.

DAMON GEST-
"Yeah, except we aren't doing in on a mountain-itis!"

STING-
"Uh huh, sure. Well, we're gonna go to a commercial and then we are going to watch some more of 'Cliffhanger.' Unfortunately."

(TBS goes to a commercial and then shows another hour of the film. The camera comes back on as it pans across the room. Mr. Style is asleep at the kitchen table next to Ric Flair who is still passed out. Damon is busy eating the Cornflakes. Goldberg is standing to the left of Sting and Hellings. Goldberg is eating the box of Cornflakes. The camera comes to a stop on The Boy and Sting.)

STING-(Sighs)
"Welcome back to Dinner and A Movie. I'm Sting and this (motioning to Hellings) is RWW Intercontinental champion Scott 'The Boy' Hellings. (Hellings waves to the camera.) Scott, please tell us what we can expect from your match against The Abyss on this week's Friday Fire."

HELLINGS-
"Well, Stinger, it's like this. I am the greatest IC champ in RWW history and it really doesn't matter who I face. Why, I could even face you, Sting. And believe me, I could destroy you!"

STING-(A little upset)
"Oh yeah? Right now! You against me, tough guy!"

Sting has a surprisingly short fuse. It's called "wrapping things up because this is getting too long." Actuall, for back then this seemed fairly lengthy, but these days it's not long at all. Back at this time, I think people were writing shorter roleplays, because I was always longer than most people and mine were fairly short by today's standards. For some reason, roleplays seem to get longer and longer all the time. Strange, but true.

DAMON GEST-
"But what about the end of the movie-palooza?"

STING-(Yelling back at Damon)
"It's TBS dammit! No one will care, it will be back on in another hour anyway!!"

DAMON GEST-
"Suckasaurus! I wanted to see the ending!"

(Hellings shrugs his shoulders and he jumps Sting. Hellings is lying on top of Sting and pounding away at him. The camera cuts to show the kitchen table while the second cameraman gets into a better position of the brawl. We can see Damon Gest and Mr. Style cheering on Hellings. Jay picks up Ric Flair by his hair with one hand and with the other opens and closes his mouth to mime Flair speaking.)

MR. STYLE AS RIC FLAIR-(In a whiny voice)
"Go Scotty!"

Using Ric Flair as a puppet...isn't that what HHH did all throughout the days of Evolution? Prophecy fulfilled I guess.

(The camera cuts back to Hellings and Sting. Sting is now at the advantage and is actually about to apply the Scorpion Deathlock. All of a sudden the camera cuts back to Flair who actually gets up from the table and walks over to Sting and Hellings. Jay and Damon can't believe it. Flair punches Sting in the back of the head and then bodyslams him onto the ground.)

RIC FLAIR-
"Wooo!!"

(Before Ric Flair can celebrate any further Goldberg looks over and spears him right into the fridge. Flair is out of it-again. Goldberg continues to pound away at Flair before we can see a couple of crew members come over and attack with some stun guns. Goldberg finally goes down. The camera cuts back to Hellings, Damon Gest and Mr. Style. MC Tommy Dee comes in through the door, laughing.)

Ric Flair bodyslams Sting because that is the ultimate inside joke here. My friends and I used to joke that every WCW show ended with Flair bodyslamming Sting and then all of the wrestlers coming out on stage to perform "So Long, Farewell" from "The Sound of Music." I just HAD to put that in there. Because, you know, it amuses me and maybe four other people in the entire world. This is a great example of how self-serving my roleplays back then could be. What? You mean I should actually deal with RWW-related issues? Nope, I'll do what I want and how I want to dammit! And, yet, for some reason, everyone loved it. Dance puppets, dance!

MC TOMMY DEE-
"Guys, you SO have to go to studio 4C and......what the hell happened here?"

HELLINGS-
"Sting jumped me."

MC TOMMY DEE-
"He didn't pull a Killer Instinct on you and grab your belt did he?"

Killer Instinct basically made his RWW debut by coming in and more or less declaring himself champion. Hence the reference. I remember his debut pissing me off back then because I had no idea who he was and he just literally stole the title and it was somehow a given that he was now the champion just because he carried the title around. It's the wrestling equivalent of "capture the flag" I guess. Call me crazy, but you shouldn't hold a title, let alone the WORLD TITLE without actually beating anyone, storyline or not. That's my two cents anyway.

HELLINGS-
"No...(MC Tommy Dee reaches out to touch Hellings' belt to see if it is okay. The Boy flinches back and yells) DON'T TOUCH MY BELT!!"

MR. STYLE-
"Man this sucks! Let's get out of here."

DAMON GEST-
"Agreed."

(The four walk out of the room as the camera follows them. They happen to take a wrong turn and end up in a different studio where they are taping a show of 'Ripley's Believe it Or Not')

DEAN CAIN-
"Hi and welcome to 'Ripley's.' I'm Dean Cain and with me is Scott Steiner."

SCOTT STEINER-(Shouting)
"I'm Big Poppa Pump!!!"

DEAN CAIN-
"Whatever. This week we have a special treat for you...."

SCOTT STEINER-(Cutting Dean off)
"That's right! We actually found a dog-faced gremlin!"

(Rick Steiner comes into the shot and barks a few times.)

And there's your payoff I spoke of. In writing that's known as a "callback" joke. And, for the record, that line still cracks me up. By the way, that's the DUMBEST nickname in wrestling history, isn't it? Well maybe not, but I certainly thought it was stupid. What the hell is a dog-faced gremlin anyway? Also retarded? Jeff Hardy being called "The Charismatic Enigma" in TNA. WTF?

DEAN CAIN-
"I hate my life."

Please! Like he's above it. Trust me, as someone who purposely watches bad movies, Dean Cain is in every third bad movie ever made.

(The camera cuts back to show PSI. They are all laughing.)

HELLINGS-
"This place is depressing.....and kinda creepy. Let's get out of here!"

(As the four men walk off we can hear them talking.)

MR. STYLE-
"Man did you see the size of Flair's flabby man breasts?"

It's true, they are hypnotic.

(They all burst out laughing. Fade to black.)

And that's what won me a roleplaying award back in RWW. Crazy, huh? Based on this roleplay, I made another one where I went to Sting's house months later to get advice on some big match I had at the time. He recommended I use the Stinger Splash. As a result, Rob Gamble of RWW started adding me using that move into my matches. Since then, I've adopted it as part of my moveset, known as The Canadian Crunch. There, some random trivia for you, huh? Some final thoughts? It was certainly a lot of fun to do and I loved the response it got, but it was also a bit of a curse. As I think I've said before: after I did this roleplay it sort of set a precedent that all my roleplays had to be very, very funny. And that made me try some things out that were, well, wacky. Some of it worked, some of it really didn't. Regardless, it made my character meander from its original vision of just a cocky heel to more of a comedy act. Still, PSI was a domninant faction so it definitely didn't hurt me, it just put some pressure on me when I was roleplaying. Keep in mind too: this roleplay was written only a couple of months after I started efedding. Well, anyway, this was not as bad as I remember, nor as good. Whatever that means. Hope ya enjoyed it. Later!

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