page18DiaryentriesandPhotojournal4

January 27, 1999: I had my first Dr.'s appt. since Shaina's death. It was extremely difficult for me to go. I couldn't imagine going in there, not being pregnant. It should've been a regular OB check-up, not this. Right when we came into the office, as if I wasn't feeling low enough as it was; a couple brought in a newborn baby girl. I wanted to tell them how lucky they were. When their baby made sounds, they acted as if it were no big deal, but I can remember how I would've given anything to hear Shaina make a noise, any noise. How blessed that couple really is!
Then, as I was waiting in the exam room, I could hear the nurse say "Oh my, what a precious baby you have. She's so cute! Congratulations!" Why couldn't that be me &

Matt with Shaina. How I wish it were! But just when I didn't think things could get any worse, on the way home; we started fighting & arguing again. We had planned on going out to eat at Bing's for dinner later, but it was ruined. I am now at my mom's & I'm staying the night!

January 31, 1999:                  We had a good time yesterday. We went up in the snow by Clear Lake (Carmen Reservoir). We picked the dogs up. The snow was deep, but we walked around the back of the reservoir & Matt fished for a little while. It was a long walk & the dogs & me could hardly make it back to the truck, we were so exhausted! Meeko whined & I had to carry him as far as I could. He got heavy fast. But it was pretty fun & believe it or not; we didn't even fight!
   Well, today, Matt went fishing in the morning by himself. I would've went, but I was still in bed & I wasn't going to make him wait that long. for me to get ready. Since today is 'Super Bowl Sunday', we went to Matt's parents house. Matt watched the football game, while his mom & I went to the movies & seen "Stepmom". ...

February 10, 1999:                  Well, last night was supposed to be our first meeting with the support group (meet & talk with other parents who have lost their babies). It didn't happen. I was looking so forward to it & on the other hand, I was really nervous. The meeting was cancelled, because of the snow. We didn't know, so we went over there- to the Albany Hospital, then a lady told us it had been cancelled.
   As we were leaving, a woman ran up to our truck & asked us if we were new. She said she goes to the support group every month. Her first baby (a daughter), was stillborn. She was full-term. The umbilical cord got wrapped around her neck during labor & she died. It happed 2 1/2 years ago. She said she now has a 1 year old daughter, born only 1 year after her baby died. It was very nice of her to catch us before we left.
   She gave my her #. She lives in Albany. I called her this afternoon & we talked for quite a long time. She told me that her & her husband had gotten married when she was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Her daughter that she has now, was concieved only 4 months after she lost her baby. She had C-sections with both deliveries.
   She told me the longer we wait to have another baby, the harder it will be. She said the fears only get worse. I believe that could possibly be true. Matt wants to wait at least 2-3 years before trying again. I think for some people that might be smart, but I don't know about us, though. It's so difficult when we have such different views, especially when to try for another baby. We'll never agree! ....
   I went to bed around around 12:30 a.m.. last night, but of course I couldn't sleep; so I came out onto the couch & finally fell asleep around 4:00 a.m. Matt goes in an hour early sometimes, so right as I was falling asleep, Matt was getting up for work! I can never fall asleep before 3:00 a.m. anymore & when I finally do, I wake up a dozen times, even when I take sleeping pills! It's so miserable!

March 13, 1999:                        This is a stillbirth survey I completed.
PEASE WRITE WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SINCE YOUR BABY WAS STILLBORN: I have been through a whole lot. Two days of physical recovery in the hospital, the funeral 6 days after Shaina was born, a lot more pain & agony that I could possibly describe! We've been fighting a lot & we don't talk about it much.   We also got engaged on March 1 & now I'm trying to plan our July wedding.
WHAT THINGS HAVE PEOPLE DONE DURING THIS TIME THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU? People called a lot after we found out Shaina died. They acted as if they felt truly bad. Lots of people bought flowers, attended her funeral & sent cards. That all helped. I liked the cards. I saved all of them & put them in Shaina's scrapbook. It was also very helpful when people let me talk about it, without interrupting or judging my thoughts & kept their opinions to themselves!
WHAT THINGS HAVE PEOPLE DONE DURING THIS TIME THAT HAVE MADE IT HARDER FOR YOU (FOR EXAMPLE: DID THEY ACT AS IF YOU SHOULDN'T BE GRIEVING, THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO GRIEVE?) Well, I think most people think I should be 'over' it by now, after only 2 1/2 months! I guess people just don't realize I'll never be 'over' it & I'll never be back to 'normal', so they need to accept that fact! A few people think that Shaina wasn't even really a baby or my daughter; because she didn't get the opportunity to take a breath. Most people don't even know her name and don't consider her a part of their family.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT HOW TO TREAT A PERSON WHO IS GRIEVING OVER A BABY WHO WAS STILLBORN? WHAT DO YOU FEEL THE GENERAL PUBLIC DOESN'T UNDERSTAND? They don't understand the huge amount of time it takes to feel better. They think "Well, she wasn't even really a child, so why should you be so hurt?" They don't understand exactly how sensetive grieving parents are & they need to be very careful what they say & to choose their words carefully, because their words really do stick with me forever. I can remember every last hurtful thing that everyone has said to me. Those comments don't go away! People don't use her name & that really hurts. She has a name- please use it!
WHEN DID YOU FIRST FIND OUT YOUR BABY WAS DEAD? BEFORE OR AFTER THE BIRTH? IF IT WAS BEFORE, DO YOU THINK IT WAS HARDER THAN IF YOU FOUND OUT LATER? We found out at a doctor's appointment on my 17th B-day. It was almost 2 days before I had her after we knew for sure that she was gone. I can't exactly say for sure if either way would be 'easier' or 'harder'. It's absolutely terrible either way! But when you find out before birth, as we did; then you know you have a dead baby inside of you & no matter what- you still have to give birth. Think of giving birth to a baby that you know won't move or cry! What a nightmare! But on the other hand, if you don't know & the baby comes out; you'll wait for it's cry & you will never hear it! No way is easier. The death of a child should not be in any way connected with the word 'easy'.
WHEN YOU FIRST REALIZED THE BABY WAS GONE, WHAT WENT THROUGH YOUR MIND AS A PROBABLE CAUSE OF DEATH? Well, I really had no clue. My entire mind & body were completely numb. The only thing that came to mind was "Oh my God! Not my baby! She can't be dead! That's impossible!" Then I thought "No 8 month old Shaina at Christmas time- she's actually gone!" I tried to go back through my 6 month pregnancy & figure out what I did wrong. Not eating enough? The wrong foods? I tried, I really did. I ate healthier than ever in my life. Crying & arguing all the time? Well, according to my doctor- that wouldn't have any effect. Sometimes I seriously think she may have died of sadness, from me being depressed a lot; contrary to what my doctor thinks! I really try not to think that, but I don't know.
DID YOU EVER FEEL PERSONAL GUILT OVER THE DEATH? IF SO, WHY? I thought Shaina must've felt all my emotions & couldn't take it anymore. But then I think, "Why couldn't I have been stronger, less emotional."
DID HARDSHIP DURING PREGNANCY, DELIVERY, AND SO FORTH; MAKE THE DEATH OF YOUR BABY EVEN HARDER TO ACCEPT? I guess since I was so awfully sick with morning sickness, the only way I could make it through some days was to remind myself "Being sick all the time for 4 months is most definitly worth having a beautiful, healthy baby! Your not being sick for nothing!" But I was wrong, in a way.
DID YOU SEE YOUR BABY? HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT SEEING OR NOT SEEING YOUR BABY? Of course we seen her. But I'll have to admit that when we first found out, my first thought was, "There's no possible way I can go through giving birth to her now. Maybe if we leave her in there, she'll just kind-of disappear; like this never happened" Then I thought she might look gross, because she had been in there for over a week & she was so premature, maybe I couldn't handle it. I'm so glad we seen her & held her.