page17DiaryentriesandPhotojournal3

December 4, 1998: I went to the orthodontist today. Matt's G-ma picked me up. I had to stop at Rite-Aid to pick up my perscription for prenatal vitamins & also bought some extra Christmas cards (I ran out), Christmas stickers & of course; I just had to buy some gum & a candy bar! ..

December 7, 1998: About 5:30 p.m. Matt talked me into getting our Christmas tree. I really didn't want to; I was in a terrible mood. We ended up going to Wal-mart. We picked out a nice noble fir, loaded it up in the back of the truck, brought it home, made room for it in the front cornor by the window. I finally started on the lights- I think it took 5 sets! I got so frustrated. One set wouldn't work- I had to go through every bulb twice, still didn't work. Plus the ones I put on the very top were blinking exremely slow & are off longer than they are on! It almost looks like there isn't any lights on the top at all! Oh well. I put all the decorations on, along with the new

burgundy & off-white bows. I bought an off-white & gold angel for the top. I got it all done past midnight. By that time I was about ready to pull out my hair- I was exhausted & more than ready for a long sleep! .......

December 9, 1998:            I did not feel good this morning at all. I managed to do 3 loads of laundry & the dishes. When Matt got home, we walked over to pick up his truck (he got the heater fixed)......

December 28, 1998:        The holidays are over. Christmas was okay, but it would've been a whole lot better if I hadn't had a terrible cold! ......

January 15, 1999:               Well, I guess this is where my pregnancy journal ends. I'm no longer pregnant. I was supposed to experience the miracle of birth in April, but instead I got to experience the horror of death on January 1. I couldn't have thought up such a nightmare as this. It's by far surpassed any scary movie that I've seen on t.v.
   I've never felt quite like this. I've been through some very difficult times in my life, but nothing compared to this! I know deep down that I knew before that Dr.'s appt on Dec. 30, that there would be no heartbeat. I hadn't felt a kick for a few days before Christmas. .... I'd give anything to have her with me, in my arms where she belongs. I had already included her in all my future plans; every place I would go, everything I would do, all the choices I will make- I just can't possibly picture doing anything without her. She is supposed to be here. It's just not fair! It really isn't. I can't pretend to understand, I can't even come close to understanding. I wish I could, but I can't. It doesn't make sense at all. The autopsy said she was physically perfect- then why did she just up & die one day? Why? Why? Why?
I keep blaming myself, although everyone says I shouldn't & it wasn't my fault. But I'm her mother & it's my job to care for her & protect her. I feel as if I've failed her completely. I should've been able to have done something to have prevented this from happening. I can't hardly go on living without my Shaina. She would've been so sweet & beautiful, big blue eyes & blonde, curly hair like her daddy. I would've been a good mom, I would've tried my hardest. I wanted to be her mom so bad. That's all I wanted out of life; Shaina to be happy & healthy. I still love her so much, it makes me cry. I just can't believe she's gone. The fact that I'm not pregnant, hasn't sunk in all the way yet. I still take my prenatal vitamins.
   I guess I haven't been eating that well at all, since Shaina died. I have no appetite at all anymore. It's been 2 weeks & I still can't eat. A friend took me to an Italian restaurant a few days ago & all I ate was one tiny piece of pizza. That's not normal for me. It's like I feel I have no need to eat now. Before, I made myself eat; I knew I was feeding Shaina when I ate. Now I couldn't care less. I know it's not good, but I just can't help it. I feel like a piece of me has died. Shaina was a part of me, a part of my body, my emotions & my spirit. Now, she has vanished & I've been left with this emptiness & a hole in my heart. My dreams have been shattered, along with everything else in my life. And I'm mad. I think "Why can't anything in my life go right?" It seems that nothing can. Then I lose what means the most to me- my baby daughter. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. ....

January 24, 1999:                  ....I am so confused. I don't know what to think or how to feel. In some ways I want to talk about her all the time, we used to before she died, but now it's silence. No one brings her name up & most people don't even acknowledge her existance. I guess sometimes I don't talk much about her either, but I'm always thinking about what happened & about my little angel in Heaven.
   I just don't want everyone to forget her. I don't want people to go on like she was never born, never our baby. It hurts to talk about Shaina, but I've found it hurts a lot worse not to talk about her. I don't want to keep all of my feelings trapped inside. I write some of them down, but sometimes I don't feel like writing or my mind is so clouded with different thoughts, that I can't sort them all out & put them into sentances. I try to talk to some of my friends, but they can't come close to understanding & I bet a lot of them are sick of hearing it. .... I don't want to continue on like Shaina never existed. I want it to be known that she was my daughter & I'm proud to be her mother. I don't want to throw all her stuff in the closet & pretend we never bought anything for Shaina. I realize that there will be a point that it will be time to put some of that stuff away, I guess you can call it 'moving on', but not yet. I'm not ready. I want to look at her stuff & remember, even if it makes me sad. I can't just brush her under a rug. Why should I?
   I'm sitting here on the couch. Matt just went to bed. This is normal for work nights, because he has to go to bed early, so he can get up early to go to work. I stay up all hours of the night, because I can't sleep anymore. I feel all alone. ALONE. I know God is with me no matter how alone I feel. I just need to accept that. I really am not alone.
   I can't get over the fact that I'm no longer pregnant. It's so hard. I've been back in my pre-pregnancy jeans since I came home from the hospital. I feel ackward wearing them. I'm not supposed to fit into these until April. Why am I wearing them now? ....
   When Shaina died, people had just begun noticing my pregnancy & started making comments like "How far along are you? No way, you don't look that far along!" I still wonder why people don't notice my pregnancy anymore. DUH! I'm as skinny as a rail- I'm not 6 months pregnant anymore!
   I can feel my body & mind getting weaker & weaker. I'm getting more & more tired. But I can't sleep no matter how tired I am. I get bad headaches & I feel so sick to my stomach. I am dying emotionally.
   Another problem I have, is seeing things that aren't really there. I swore I seen a rat yesterday, going into Jason's old bedroom; while laying on the couch. I thought I'd seen a little snake in our bedroom today; on the floor by my foot. I feel bugs all over my body, like fleas or ants. I've had a soar throat for 3 days now & my ears are popping.
   I'm forgetful now, too. I forget everything. I swear I must be going insane!

January 25, 1999:                    I took the garbage out this morning & I put some of the old dead flower arrangements in the dumpster. I'd been putting it off for over a week. I know they were dead & not so pretty & colorful anymore, but it was still hard. Those were Shaina's flowers from her funeral, but now their dead & in the trash. I kept one in front of her memorial because it's the biggest. I'll wait a week or so to throw that one out; I don't want to fo it all at once, just gradually- so it won't appear to be such a big change. ....

January 26, 1999:                     I set my alarm for 8:00 this morning. My friend, Janice, picked me up at 11:00. We went over to LBCC, so I could take 2 out of 5 of my GED tests. I took the two easiest: writing & social studies. It took me only 2 1/2 hours to do both of them. I didn't tell Matt about the tests because I wanted to surprise him when I pass & get my GED.