WHAT WAS THE HARDEST FACT OR FACTS TO ACCEPT ABOUT THE DEATH OF YOUR CHILD (FOR EXAMPLE: HOLDING THE BABY IN YOUR ARMS, NEVER SEEING HIM OR HER ALIVE)?  I think it would be impossible to pick just one. But the fact that I was pregnant for 6 months & still, I don't have a baby to hold & care for- it's simply not fair! And right now, one of the hardest things is that my original due date is in one month from now (April 15) and I should be 8 months pregnant & getting ready to give birth. My stomach is flat & I have no anticipation of an up-coming delivery.
DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR BABY A PART OF YOUR FAMILY? DID YOU NAME YOUR BABY? That question seems pretty easy to answer. I guess along time ago, people might not of been able to see their babies & name their babies, which I think is totally apalling! Of course Shaina is a part of our family! Maybe other family members don't consider her to be a part of their family. She's a very important part, to me. Of course we named our daughter- everyone should have a name. She was a person & deserves to be treated equally. But in our country, it seems that babies aren't at all treated like people (at least pre-born babies).
HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BABY? ARE THERE SPECIFIC TIMES WHEN MEMORIES COME BACK? HAVE MEMORIES FADED OVER TIME? I think of Shaina practically every waking second & even in my dreams. Of course it all comes flooding back when I see pregnant women or newborns & even little blonde girls (I imagine she would look like them) It really hits me when I hear someone else is pregnant or had a healthy baby. It really makes me jealous, but I hear that's completely normal. My memories don't go away. Well, it's not like I want them to go away- I will forever remember my little Shaina, but I wish I could somehow skip remembering the terrible parts; but I know that's impossible. I wish I had more pleasant memories of my daughter.
DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO REMEMBER DETAILS? (FOR EXAMPLE; WHAT YOUR CHILD LOOKED LIKE)  Sometimes, but I won't forget. I have my pictures, that I treasure. I guess I wouldn't want to forget the details, even though they are terrible- that was all part of it.
WHOM WERE YOU IN CONTACT WITH DURING THE NEXT FEW DAYS? (DOCTORS, NURSES, FRIENDS, RELATIVES, AND SO FORTH)  My doctor wasn't any comfort, I didn't see him for a month & when I finally did; I wanted to wring his neck! I did talk to the main nurse on the phone, briefly, a couple weeks later. A lot of friends & relatives did call. My aunt in Lincoln City called & wrote a lot. She sent me a book. Matt's family was great. But after the funeral, unfortunatly; my so-called friends completely backed off. I guess some weren't even there to begin with! Most I haven't talked to since the funeral 2 1/2 months ago. Can you imagine?  It hurts so bad that they stay away when I need them the most.
OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHOM YOU WERE IN CONTACT WITH, WHO WERE THE MOST HELPFUL, AND WHY?  Pastor Randy visited us in the hospital and gave me a lot of comfort; reminding me that someday we'll see our little angel in Heaven. There's just no doubt in my mind. That was the most comforting. I can't really say one person more than another, because people were there so briefly, then disappeared.
WAS AN AUTOPSY PERFORMED AND IF SO, DID KNOWING THE RESULTS AND THEIR EXPLANATION HELP?  A couple days after Shaina was born, there was an autopsy. I have mixed feelings about that subject. For one thing, they discovered she was totally healthy! All of her organs were developed fine and even her weight was normal. I think of how healthy she was and how senseless her death really was. Maybe if I did have a cause, maybe it would help me to accept why. I have nothing but speculation. My doctor said it's possible that since I had a terrible cold over Christmas (during the time she died), then she might've gotten Fifth's disease, which is fatal to unborn babies. So, he's saying that my cold could've killed my daughter. Anyone with a cold during pregnancy is at risk and could easily loose their baby. I'm surprised more women aren't warned about that. How can someone prevent a cold. You can 100% prevent yourself from getting a cold. Everyone I've ever known has probably had at least one cold with every one of their pregnancies- their babies didn't die. I don't believe that at all.
HOW DOES THE LOSS OF YOUR BABY COMPARE TO OTHER CRISES YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED IN YOUR LIFE? LIST EACH MAJOR CRISIS AND NOTE THE SIMILARITIES AND DIFFERENCES.  Some are personal, but moving to my mom's in the 3rd grade was pretty traumatizing, then moving there again in the 7th grade. I changed schools every other month it seemed like. I had no control of where I was or what I was doing. Just like I felt out of control with Shaina's death.    I've had friends and family die: my wonderful, caring G-ma when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. My old friend, who was my neighbor while I lived in Lincoln City.She taught me about painting and how to make home-made paper. She was an extremely talented painter and grew the most beautiful flowers. She died of cancer a couple years before Shaina. My old friend's death was a bit easier to accept- she lived a long, happy life and she had the people she cared about most with her towards the end. We'd also known about the cancer for quite a while and it wasn't all that unexpected. Shaina didn't live a long or happy life. Her death was completely unexpected.
WHO RESUMED NORMAL ACTIVITIES FIRST AFTER THE DEATH, YOU OR YOUR SPOUSE? WHY? Definitly Matt. He had to go back to work one week later. I'm basically in a rut, if that's the best term. I can't do the stuff I did when I was pregnant; I worked on crocheting her blanket, reading my pregnancy & baby books, being sick took up some time, shopping for the baby stuff, and making plans and dreaming. I can't go back to those 'normal' activities. I guess I have to find new 'normal' activities to keep me busy. I don't want to.
DID YOU EVER WANT JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP AFTER THE PAIN HAS GONE AWAY? WHY? WHEN? Yes, all the time. I thought it would make things easier to go to sleep and wake up in a couple years. I wanted to skip over the most untolerable pain and wake up when the pain was more managable.
WHAT AFFECT HAS THE BABY'S DEATH HAD ON YOUR RELIGIOUS FAITH? It has made it stronger, but sometimes makes me question God's reasoning for some things. I have a large amout of faith in God and I know there must be some good that comes out of this. I don't neccessarily believe there is a solid reason behind Shaina's death, but I things must somehow get better than that and continue to get easier. Nothing can be as difficult as the death of your baby. God will make it better, I just have to have more patience.
WAS YOUR RELIGIOUS FAITH OF ANY USE TO YOU IN THIS CRISIS? HOW? Most definitly. I remember one of the first things that I prayed "Besides this not being fair and I don't understand why it happened; I don't hold this against you and I'm not mad at you and I won't turn away from you." If there wasn't a God and he didn't help me as much as he did in the last few months, I would've never made it. I honestly & truly believe that with all of my heart.
HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS BEEN AFFECTED BY THE DEATH? HOW? I think in some ways, it has brought me closer to Matt's family. I'd have to admit, it didn't bring me any closer to my family, because some of them weren't much help at all, in fact may have made things worse (not all, but SOME)
HAS THE DEATH INFLUENCED YOUR DECISION TO HAVE OTHER CHILDREN? Maybe it has made me want children even more. I had always planned on having more than a couple in the future anyway. Each is a special blessing, so I have no idea exactly how many children God will give me, only God knows, but I do want more.
NOW, TODAY, WHAT STILL HURTS? WHEN DOES IT HURT? WHY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ALLEVIATE YOUR PAIN? Everything still hurts. Everything is a constant reminder- everywhere I turn, everything I see reminds me that our Shaina isn't with us.
WHAT GOOD THINGS HAVE YOU LEARNED ABOUT LIFE?  Well, besides learning firsthand how cruel and unpredictable life is, I learned how absolutally precious life is. What a hard lesson. Life can turn on you in a blink of an eye, so live life to the fullest and don't make big deals over things that are petty and not important- there are really more important things to think about; like your children and family. I have became a very strong person. I can probably get through anything now. I know how to love unconditionally and try not to have regret.
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