MendingABrokenHeart9

~...Mending A Broken Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

Grandparents and other children also can see and hold your baby if you wish. The staff can help you with the arrangements.
   Parents also occasionally want to bathe and dress their infant in clothing especially for their baby. This is their effort to care for their baby and express their love. Again, if you desire to do this, please ask.
   At the same time you're making decisions about your baby, well-intentioned friends and family may try to "protect you" by putting away your baby things and maternity clothes at home. The decision of who puts away these items and when is yours. Many parents find that this is something they need to do themselves. Remember, you need not do it right away, but when you do, many find it best doing it as a couple.
   The pain and confusion you feel may make it hard for you to think about final arrangements for your baby. This may be the first time you have ever had to plan a precious good-bye, but it will help you face the loss and begin grieving. Whatever you do in caring for your baby's remains should depend upon how you feel and your needs at the time. It should not depend on your baby's age at death.
   You have several choices, including burial and cremation. If the baby is younger than 20 weeks, the hopital can, depending on the area of the country in which you live, take care of the remains, generally by cremation.
   You probably will have many questions about what can be done. Ask them. You and your spouse can explore the options along with a member of the clergy and other support persons. But please make your own decisions, even though others will want to protect you by doning the work for you.
   One family whose baby died before the 20th week of pregnancy held a memorial service in the mother's hospital room. Immediate family members were present and a local minister performed the service. Their baby, swaddled in a warm blanket, was brought to the mother's room for the service.

"Just to know she was there with us during the service helped us to say good-bye. The service provided us with a feeling of closure from the past two days' experience, though we knew her loss would keep hurting for many days to come"

Another mother who had suffered several miscarriages expressed the feeling of something being left unfinished and felt a need to do something for her "hoped-for" children. She also was comforted by a memorial service.
   Parents can write and conduct the service themselves, or contact a minister or other comforting person. A prayer of blessing also may be said in memory of the baby, especially when baptism is not possible or desirable.
   A funeral, either public or private, is another option. It may be at the grave-side, a church, the hospital or at home. Parents have found it helpful to consult the funeral director from the town in which burial will take place. The director can offer advice and assist you in arranging the service you want, where the funeral and burial can take place, and what the costs will be.
   Usually, the cost of the baby's funeral is much less than an adult's. You can express your love and get comfort at a cost suitable to you.
   You may want to include a gift of flowers or a stuffed animal for your baby. This gift can be a way of helping siblings participate in the funeral, express their love and begin to work through their grief.

"I hadn't thought about a funeral. We expected the best. The funeral director, he said we could bury Danielle by Reta's father at the head of the grave stone. You think about it. It is better. This way, we can say she is with Grandpa"

Some families from an area other than where their baby was born have chosen to transport their infant themselves to help reduce expenses and give them an opportuniy to care for their baby. A funeral director can advise you on this.

"We drove each of our boys home to be buried. We had four hours in the car with each of them. It was just four hours we had with them. It gave us time to sit and be with them"

As you make your arrangements, please remember some funeral directors will support your choices, while others will not. Funeral directors, like others, may need to learn from what gives you comfort. If your director is not comfortable with the choices you have made, you and your partner may need to be strong to persuade him or her to do what you wish. If you are not strong, you may have regrets later. The responses from funeral directors are as individual as they are.

"He was very kind to Fred. He was very kind to us. My mother went to him and asked him about the baby. He described her to my mom. He told her about her hair and skin and how big she was, that she was a pretty little girl. It was nice of him to take the time"

   "His hands were really pretty, but he (funeral director) would not let them be seen...The funeral director feels the body is his property and not the property of the family. At the heart of it, he is very naive, himself"

There is no right and wrong to the choices you make. Let your heart and feelings guide you in how you wish to express your needs. Try not to let those around you who mean so well persuade you to do things that are uncomfortable for you.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)

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