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| ~...Mending A Broken Heart~ |
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| *Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier* |
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| "I tried to answer everything as honestly as I could. My son needed to know these things , too; to know he could ask anything he wanted, that it was OK. I told him I didn't know all the answers, that it was hard for me to know why things happened" It may not always be easy to give your children that reassurance, however. You may even be angry with your children for surviving or for having to deal with their day-to-day needs while you are grieving. Your children, too, may see you acting differently and feel threatened. They may feel they not only lost a sibling, but their parents as well. One way to lessen the tension may be to get away for short breaks without them. Then, when you return, you may be better able to give the children what they need- assurance of your love, honesty and the knowledge that nothing is kept from them. Remember, a hug can take the pain out of bad news and give a feeling of security and safety. ~Saying Good-Bye~ "I was at a loss of not knowing how to say hello and here it is I have to say good-bye" How do you say good-bye to not only a dream, but a part of you? How do you say good-bye to one so young and small, who lived such a short time- perhaps only in the mother's womb. "It was really hard. When I saw Brian, I knew. I knew I had to say good-bye, but I hadn't said hello yet. I had to say to him I loved him before I could even think about him going" There is no right way for you to say your good-bye. This is a time when your choices and desires should be met. This is your opportunity to do what would be comforting to you. You may want to name your baby. Parents have given names even when the loss occured so early in the pregnancy that the sex could not be determined. You may give the baby the name you had originally planned, pick one that would fit either a son or a daughter, or choose not to give a name. One mother, whose child died in the 10th week of an ectopic pregnancy, gave the baby a girl's name because she had a strong feeling the baby was a girl. "It was something I had to do! I feel closer to her now, and knowing her name has made it easier in talking to others about her" Some parents have expressed their feelings in a letter, poem or story written about and for their baby. It can show your hope and love for the baby, as well as the disbelief, anger, disillusionment and dispair you may feel by his or her death. A small sense of peace may come to you through writing. Your words may be shared with others to show them how you feel. They also may be used in a memorial or other service for your baby. Parents also have found comfort in recording their thoughts and feelings in a diary, journal or on a tape. Their thoughts become a resouce to help them work out their feelings. You may also want to set aside an item chosen especially for this baby as a loving tribute to the hopes and dreams you held. It may be a favorite maternity top, a special blanket, stuffed animal or whatever helps you feel closest to your baby. Another way parents honor their baby is by planting a tree or flowers, a symbol of the love they had hoped to give. "My husband gave me a big plant of tulips- one tulip had bloomed and it was much more tiny than all the rest. I felt the tulip represented our baby" Pictutres taken at the hospital and funeral home can become prized possesions. The photographs are kept for you until you want them. You also may take pictures yourself. Other keepsakes you may desire are the baby's identification bands, footprints, the crib card, a lock of hair, and the baby blanket or clothing the baby was dressed in. Other items often asked for include the baby lotion, soap, shampoo, comb or brush, or anything else that may have been used for the infant's care. These things often are put into a memory book or chest for the baby. Parents also have said they help to preserve the memory of their baby, provide a feeling of closeness to their baby and make the loss seem more real. One mother had a ring with the baby's birthstone. It was engraved with his name and the date she miscarried. "This was a way of having something solid. The baby wasn't big enough to hold. I have a memory book. We took everything we had of the baby, pictures from when I was pregnant. We put in cards from friends" Many parents have found comfort in seeing and holding their baby. If this opportunity is not offered, ask for it. Take as much time as you need to hold and touch the baby, or just look at him or her. Ask for privacy if it isn't offered. It is not unusual for parents to be afraid to see their baby. Your nurse can describe how your baby may look and feel to you, and answer any questions you may have a head of time. If you do not have the opportunity to see your baby while in the hospital, you can usually do so in the funeral home. Though it may be difficult, doing so may help you face the loss and allay any uncertainties you might feel about how your baby really looked. "I looked to the chaplain for some feedback. His response, which was a very good one and helped me make up my mind, was 'Of all the people that I have ever worked with that have chosen to see their babies, I know of none who have ever said they have regretted it" (From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services) |