MendingABrokenHeart7

~...Mending A Broken Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

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"The baby was due on Frankie's birthday. He was excited by that big birthday present he was going to get...I told him when I had lost the baby that there was no more baby, that the baby died. That was fine up until his birthday. Then he wondered why he didn't get a baby for his birthday"

Your children's ability to understand death will depend a great deal on their age. Generally, children age 5 and younger, mostly fear abandonment by or harm to the mother. They feel that death is like sleep and temporary. They do not see it as final.

"Whenever we drive by the hospital, my son asks if we're going to pick up Jesse"

From age 5 to 9, children may understand it as final, but not believe it happens to everybody. At age 9 and older, children are able to accept the inevitability of death and some of its causes. Older children may grieve in a more adult way.

   "Jenny, who's twelve, has gone out to the cemetery with her friends by herself a few times. I think that is kind of neat"

Children often have mixed feelings about the arrival of a new baby. Younger children's thoughts center around themselves. If they have ahd negative feelings about a new baby or their mother, and something goes wrong, they may feel the loss was their fault.

"My little girl was sitting on my lap. She saw the blood all over me. At that point she wouldn't sit on my lap. I didn't notice the change in her at all, but in he next days, when I tried to hold her, she wouldn't sit on my lap. She had felt it was her fault"

You need to anticipate this guilt since your children may not be able to express it. They need to be told, perhaps over and over again, that they did nothing to hurt the baby. Thoughts and words do not cause babies to die.
   It is important to encourage, but not force, your children to talk about how they feel about the loss early on. Some children may not be ready right away, but their feelnigs may surface later in dreams, fantasies or play. Although it may disturb you to see your children playing death, it is their way of working out and resolving their grief.

"After we got home, within a matter of a couple weeks, they started playing that their dolls were dying and they had funerals and burials. Dolls died. Cars died. Pretend horses died. Coloring book people died. I died. I could handle everything dying until it came to me. I thought my kids were foretelling the future. Do they know something I don't know? But, looking back, once they got to the point where mother died, nothing had to die anymore"

One couple used a toy spaceman to explain their baby's stillbirth. They told their children the spaceman's lifeline was similar to the baby's umbilical cord. If the lifeline got tangled, the spaceman could not breathe. Similarly, the baby died when his lifeline became tangled. The children often played the spaceman died in this way.
   You may wonder how involved your child should be in seeing the baby and attending the funeral. One family found that having the children hold their premature baby before he died offered them a chance to love him and get to know him. It built a strong bond and a basis for questions and remembrances after his death.

"Having the kids see the baby seemed natural. I shared Abe with Chelle right after he was born. I hoped I would share the baby with the other children...It was important that they touch this baby and become a part of this. I knew later about the questions I would get. I wanted answers they could relate to, like 'Remember when you sat down and held the baby on the couch'"

Some families have found the funeral a way of facing the death and bringing the family closer together. Since children are part of happy events, they believe they should also be a part of sad times. If this is what you choose, it helps to prepare them for what will happen and what they will see. Their reactions and ability to sit still will depend on their age.

"We did have our children there. This just seemed right to me. My daughter just stood by our side and patiently watched and observed. My son got bored. He went down right next to the casket. I thought this was very strange, not reverent, not proper, but then, I thought this is a child. This was his way of coming in contact with what was going on"

   You are the best judge of what your children are ready for- but it may help to ask them. You can also ask your counselor, nursing staff, clergy and other professionals for their ideas. No matter what you choose, think of it as the right decision at the time. You cannot know everything and cannot answer everything.
   Children may react to the loss and the stress in the family by regressing to previous behavior. They may become loud and aggressive or show less interest in school. Your gentle encouragement and reassurances of your love can help return behavior to normal.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)