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| ~...Mending A Broken Heart~ |
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| *Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier* |
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| "I think it is important to try to have the strength to do what you want to do despite what other people say. They are not the ones who have to live with the decisions that are made" Your response will help others deal with your baby's death. You can show them that you feel comfortable taking about it. That will make them less afraid. You may need to tell people, "It is OK if you cry. I am comforted by your tears." You may find as the weeks and months go by, that you have fewer friends and relatives around you. Sometimes, it comes as early as right after the funeral. Some people think there is a limit on grief and you should bounce back to where you were before your loss. Their attitudes may frustrate you. You may even feel as time passes, that people have forgotten or are over the grief of your baby's death. It is not that they do not care, but they may feel the need to get on with their lives without feeling sad. Sometimes, you just need to tell them how much you still need them to listen and be with you. Many people will continue to offer their support if you let them know they are needed. ~Explaining Death To Children~ The story is told of the 4-year-old whose parrot died and the family planned to have a funeral before dinner. After dinner, the girl asked, "Can we go dig up the parrot now so I can play with him? He's been dead long enough." Your children suddenly have to deal with a scary, adult thing- death. They likely have had little experience in it, just as it may never have touched you before. They may not even know what death is- or have the ability to understand it. "It still does even now. We tuck the kids in bed at night and Abe will be crying or Chelle will be crying. They happen to think about their little brother and are sad. They can't put it into words. They're just sad" Children often feel tension and sadness when there is a loss in the family. They see their parents anxious and upset. Their normal routine is disrupted. They are seperated from their mother while she is in the hospital. Close family members, such as grandparents, can help provide a normal routine at home for the children. Your children, depending on their age, need to learn about the death. The way you choose to explain it is influenced by your past experience and attitudes about death. "We told Nick his brother had died. He said 'No die. No die.' We take Nick to the cemetery. We go three, four times a week. Nicholas will say when we get on our bikes, 'I want to see Luke. I want to see Luke.' He relates the cemetery as being a fun thing, which is probably a good thing. A death and a cemetery don't have to be scary. I enjoy going out there" It is normal to want to protect your children from sadness, but the agony you experience cannot be hidden from them. It may be particularly tempting to avoid telling a child about a miscarriage since the child saw no visable signs of pregnancy or baby. But, think back to when your children were newborns. Do you remember when they seemed to be able to pick up your tension? The same is true with a death in the family. Even the youngest child picks up on the loss and feels the strain. "Children feel a loss. They deserve an explanation, not that they went to sleep, not that a horrible God took them...Children can deal with it sometimes better than we can" The best you can do is tell your children the truth, simply and honestly. Explaining the death can help both you and your youngsters accept the reality. It also builds trust. "When my son came to the hospital, the first thing he said was, 'Why did the babies die?' He just couldn't understand that. I explained to him in pretty basic terms that they were born too soon. He was upset because he couldn't see them" You should not tell your child your baby is "sleeping,""on a trip" or "lost" when explaining the death. Your child may get the wrong idea or become frightened. But you should also should not give explanations that are hard for the child to understand, or beyond his or her interest. You may find your children reacting in various ways. It is normal for one child to be curious and repeatedly ask questions, as it is for another youngster to refuse to talk about it. Some children talk about the death frankly with anyone they meet. "He talked about them quite readily around other people. He would just stun them, I guess. He just talked about it routinely. 'I had a brother and sister, Jay and Jody, but they died.' He dealt with it much better than other people did. He felt much more comfortable about talking about it than other people" You can help your child understand death by talking about other deaths in the family, about pets who have died or fading flowers. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again. For children, once is not enough for many topics, including this one. (From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services) |