MendingABrokenHeart5

~...Mending A Broken Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

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"I thought I could get help from other people, but that didn't happen. I thought I could talk to other people who could understand my feelings, but people didn't want to talk about any of it"

At times, you may feel the things people say are insensitive and cruel. It may not be easy for you to understand why some people seem to react negatively. They simply do not know how to express their sympathy in the way you expect. It may be hard for you to understand this now, but many people- until it happens to them- believe the loss of an infant is less than that of an older child or an adult.

   "They feel you don't have memories. That is what it comes down to. That is why people give you a time limit (on grief). They think what memories could you possibly have? If the baby lived five years, then you grieve more because you have five years of memories. What they forget is you were planning the memories. You were planning the Baptism, the first word the baby would say. That is what the pregnancy is...planning"

Some people feel you can't be as emotionally attached to a baby who has not lived outside the womb. As a result, many expect your grief should be short-lived and temporary, that you should erase your memories and move on.

   "I think people should be better educated on what a crisis a miscarriage really is. I think many people feel that since you didn't have the baby yet, it shouldn't be that big a deal and you should be over it in a week"

One of the difficulties in reacting to a death is it forces people to have unpleasant thoughts about their own death as well. That discomfort often leads to thoughtless and insensitive remarks. But while your friends and relatives may not react the way you want, their intentions generally are good- even if it takes you a long time to believe that.
   Reactions to your loss will vary, however. Some people, shocked and frightened by your baby's death, may fear saying or doing the wrong thing. They also may be frightened or uncomfortable seeing you cry. They may not want to impose on you, thinking you have enough support from family and friends. They may express their support only by cards or gifts because they are uncomfortable talking.
   Some people will feel the need to answer for your grief. Since they were raised since childhood with the idea "owies" are kissed to make the hurt go away, they may try to say something to take your grief away, not realizing that words can't do that. Family members and friends may not realize that they help you by just letting you talk. They need to be told you do not expect them to explain why it happened or to take away your pain. You just need people to listen.

   "The most important role for a person is to hurt with others. It is a tough role"

One minister who lost a newborn several years ago said he, too, was changed personally and professionally. Before his loss, he remembers saying to other parents who had lost a child the things he was trained to say. "All things work out. Good will come out of everything."

   "Basically, with that approach, you try and give them answers. You don't want people to question their faith. You don't want people to question God for doing those things"

   Later, after his own baby died, he realized he had counceled people incorrectly and wrote letters to those who had experienced a loss. He told them he felt he had been wrong.
   Often, people may have very good intentions, but end up saying things that don't comfort you such as, "I know how you feel," Or, "I understand." These statements may hurt you or make you angry. It usually is best to remain calm and respond in a way that will not upset you even more.

   "People said things like I am young and can have other kids. I don't want other kids. This was my child. This is the one I wanted, not the one I can have in the future, the one who died. I got really angry, but I worked through it. I finally was glad they were reaching out. Eventually, I was glad that people discussed it with me. Even though people don't know what to say, the effort was made"

It may help to respond to the person's effort to comfort rather than their exact words. You can respond with your own feelings, such as: "Thank you for thinking of us in our time of sorrow." Or, "It is nice to know you are thinking of us." It maynot be necessary for you to respond in words. You may simply squeeze the other person's hand or give a hug. If you want to respond to someone who particularly angers you, one of these statements may help you express your feelings without getting into an arguement. "What you are saying hurts me, rather than helps me. I don't think of my baby's death in that way." Or, "That isn't how I feel about it." Or, "A lot of people believe that, but I don't find it comforting." Or, "I used to think that way, too, before I lost a baby, but I don't anymore."
   Some parents find it too difficult to respond to hurtful comments. They say nothing, fearing they will antagonize the people they need around them. You also may discover yourself supporting other people around you, including friends, relatives and other children in the family.
   One mother said she felt she had to seek approval from grandparents, sisters and brothers for the funeral arrangements she and her husband wanted.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)