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| ~...Mending A Broken Heart~ |
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| *Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier* |
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| This may be especially hard to understand, particularly if this is your first experience with grief. Your reactions are different, in part, because of your varying attitudes on pregnancy. Men and women tend to have different dreams for their children and for their roles as parents. Those expectations are shaped by prior experiences. "This is the point where I couldn't get her to understand. Fellows aren't supposed to cry, so I didn't cry. I grew up with that. Don't ask me to cry. Don't expect me to cry" You and your partner's attachment to the baby also may be different. A pregnant woman, for example, may think of the baby as part of herself, while the expectant father tends to think of the baby as a new individual. Since the baby is carried by the mother, she tends to feel closer with the baby sooner. Her thoughts often- but not always- are on the baby and her pregnancy from the moment she learns she is expecting. A father may not get those feelings until closer to the time the baby is due or until after the baby is a reality. A mother: "When I found out I was pregnant, I was excited. I began visualizing what the baby would look like" A father: "I personally didn't have a lot of images. I was a career person. Personally, I thought I would worry about it when the time comes...The first time I really realized I was going to be a father was in admissions when they asked me if I wanted our baby's birth announced in the newspaper. I said 'Am I going to be a father tonight?'" The expectant father tends to experience the pregnancy from what his partner tells him, and by what he can see and feel. He has fewer experiences when the baby is lost early in a pregnancy because he has not felt or seen the body changes in his partner. Once you recognize you both are grieving, but are just expressing it differently, you may be able to bridge the gap. A mother: "Finally, we realized we had to talk about it. One day I wrote him a letter while he was at work. I told him I thought he was over everything and it didn't hurt him anymore and I was upset about how he didn't cry and how he would go to work and didn't have to think about it. He read the letter and said, 'I don't stop thinking about it when I go to work. It bothers me. I may not cry a lot about it, but I think about it. It's just my way of dealing with it.' It took me a long time to realize that he wasn't in the same mood as I was all the time and that it was OK for me to cry and he didn't. He thought about it. He just had a different way of showing it and dealing with it" Sharing feelings and thoughts comes easier to some couples than others. Some people are able to have honest, heart-to-heart talks. Others may need to write a letter to each other or may need to express their feelings through a third person. Make opportunities to share honest feelings with each other. Silence between you can build walls in your relationship. One idea is to set aside a small time each day for the two of you to express your real feelings. You should agree ahead of time to accept whatever is said. If you both feel free to share your feelings without question, you can begin to understand each other. Another suggestion is to tell your partner what will help you feel better. Other couples find it useful to hear how other parents have made it through this rough time. A support group may help. Although it may seem like the last thing you might want to do, make an effort to plan fun times together...if only for a few hours. Some couples may need assistance from a marriage counselor or therapist to help them pull together. Watch for such warning signs as: spending more time at work, an increase in drinking, an affair, over involvement in church or other groups, spending a large amount of time with parents, siblings or friends, doting on a surviving child, or prolonged lack of sexual activity. Another indication is hearing yourself say, "Yes, we talk all the time, but we never get anything resolved." You may wonder if you will ever grieve in the same way, at the same time. Unfortunately, the answer probably is no. You will always be two different people, although it is hoped you will understand each other better. A mother: "I wanted him to cry with me. Finally, I reached the point where I realized his grief was different" The key is accepting, through sharing and understanding, how each of you feels and responding to each other's needs. ~What Do You Say?~ The loss of your baby will touch your friends and relatives, but many of them may not know what to say. Some will share tears with you, others may just sit and listen to you. "I had a lot of friends say you have to feel it and go through it. They have been encouraging me to talk about it. That was the most important thing of all" Some friends may not be able to even acknowledge your baby's death and may avoid you completely- or if they do see you, may just talk about trivial things. (From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services) |