MendingABrokenHeart3

"...Mending A Broken Heart"

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You may find yourself going through thses phases of grief again- but in shorter forms- on special dates, anniversary dates, holidays, during changes in the seasons or at the birth of another baby.

"There are terrible days when you don't know how you will possibly make it until tomorrow...or why you would want to make it until tomorrow"

   As you grieve, it is suggested that you:
*Schedule a routine physical exam for yourself about four months after your loss. This is a time many families feel physically and emotionally exhausted. The natural disease-fighting mechanism is depressed in the body and you are more prone to illness and disease.
*Limit or avoid nicotine, caffeine and alcohol. If you have a problem with sustained sleeplessness, your physician may prescribe a mild tranquilizer taken four out of seven nights for a short period of time.
*Limit your activity and trips during anniversary dates. You are more prone to accidents.
*Recognize your loss can be a strain on all members of the family and that your moods and feelings may change from time to time. It may take you 18 to 24 months or longer before you feel your lives are put back together. This is not the time for major decisions, such as changing jobs, changing relationships or moving.
   Some families have said it seemed like they could not resolve their grief until they did one thing. One couple talked to the doctor who delivered their baby, while another needed to meet with the hospital staff who were with them at the time of the loss. Others planted a tree in memory of the child, named the baby, wrote a letter to the infant or held a memorial service. You should do whatever works for you.
   You may be surprised when you first begin to have periods of feeling "normal" again. One mother worried she didn't love her baby girl enough because she actually had such a good time at a party that she forgot about her for a few hours.

   "I remember lying on the sofa and laughing for the first time since the baby died. The kids came running down the hall, wondering what was wrong. I hadn't laughed in a long time"

   When you do feel better, remember there is no need to feel guilty about smiling again. You have done the hardest work in your life- grieving.
   When you have reached this period of resolution, you will notice a sense of calm and peace with yourself. You will be able to eat and sleep again. You will be able to make decisions easier. You will have renewed energy and interest. And, you will feel like moving on with your life, accepting but not forgetting.

"Tomorrow will come. The pain will ease. But you will never forget your precious child. It takes hope and time and love for the healing to take place. Remember along the way to accept, but not forget"
                                                                                         Sherokee Ilse

                                                          ~Our Grief Seems So Different~

   "I would cry a lot. I would ask him why he wasn't crying with me"

   This is the time when you need each other most, but you may seem so far, far away from each other. One of you seems to cry more, while the other seems to be over the loss of your baby. Don't you both hurt the same?
   You want to reach out, but somehow those efforts just don't work. Or, you are afraid. It may seem like you do not understand each other anymore.

   A mother: "I feel so badly since we lost our baby. I don't want to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything. All I can think of is our baby, and all I can do is cry"

   A father: "I feel so badly since we lost our baby. No one talks with me about it or seems to care. I think if we could just go out and do something, it would help"

   One of the ironies of losing a child is that while the two of you have lost your baby, you express it in different ways. No two people- even those married or together a long time- react to a situation in the same way.

   A father "There were a lot of differences and that was the hard part. I grieve my way; she grieves her way. It is hard to understand why that person doesn't grieve your way. Is that person grieving at all?"

   Grieving is a very personal experience, based on your values, how you were raised and your past experiences. It cannot be measured or compared; nor is one way of grieving better than another.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)

*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

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