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| ~...Mending A Broken Heart~ |
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| If it is difficult for you to answer questions about your pregnancy and baby, you may find it helpful to entrust a friend to tell others what happened until after you are more comfortable talking about it. You also may get help from family and friends in caring for other children, and for cleaning, shopping and other errands. Some mothers yearn so much for their baby at this time that their arms ache. You may find yourself cradling or stroking some object of similar size and weight to that of your baby. It may seem strange, but it is a normal part of grieving. Some parents get comfort in keeping memory books or journals to help them express their loss. These books may be shared or kept for your private needs. "I had nightmares about not holding her- the empty arms thing. My arms just hurt. It was like I was walking around with two 20-pound weights" Other parents find reading books or articles about similar losses helpful. "It helps to know that you're not the only one who has faced this problem. But that also is part of the crux of your grief- it is yours alone" You may find after the first two weeks of your loss that friends and family call less frequently. At this time, and in the next few months, you may find it helpful to attend a support group for parents who have lost a baby through miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death. "I needed someone to listen until I got through my 'endless talking' stage. Being surrounded by other parents made me feel as if they really understood and that they valued whatever I wanted to share" You may find yourself looking for an answer for why your baby died. This search may preoccupy a lot of your time and thoughts. "No one can give you a logical answer. You are told that it just happens and you are supposed to accept the face value of that fact. But there is some reason and that why, or what, hangs on for always, unanswered. I didn't want to hear someone else's story. I wanted answers that no one could give me" Many parents worry about crying so much, believing they should hide their feelings. Your sadness needs to be expressed. "I still cry but it's not crying that is bothersome. It's the fact that I have no control over when I cry, how long or with whom" Still other emotions may be bombarding you at this time. You may wish you were dead instead of your baby or be angry at your baby for causing such suffering. Your anger may seem uncontrollable. You may find yourself short tempered with everyone around you, just because your emotions need to spill out somehow. "I am just angry all the time. I am very short tempered all the time. I realize it is just my anger coming out. I was getting nasty with my two-year-old son. He couldn't do anything right. I was screaming at him all the time. He would just look at me with his big eyes" You also may feel guilty. The constant replays of he event, without finding a cause for the loss may cause you to turn your anger toward yourself. You may wrongly put the blame on yourself. "I believe I caused the miscarriage. It all started the morning I lifted the heavy box at work" After you have worked your way through these powerful emotions, you probably will move into a new phase. Some parents talk of feeling empty, lifeless and hopeless. They have no interest in things they used to enjoy. They neglect their personal appearance and daily tasks. This phase is difficult because it comes just when many people think they should be "over it." Some parents feel multiple losses- of pride, control, strength and self-esteem. It is not uncommon for parents to wish they were dead simply because their grief seems unbearable. Your depression may be such that you begin to wonder, "Am I normal?" or "Am I going crazy?" "You really start to doubt your sanity and wonder if you are going to live this way the rest of your life" Couples often become very unhappy with each other during this time, perhaps because they grieve in different ways. You need to encourage each other to be open about what you are feeling and sensitive to each other's feelings. It may seem impossible now, but this loss may be an opportunity for the deepest kind of sharing, understanding and commitment to each other. You may find it helpful talking with a friend or counselor about your loss. Activities and exercise can be a welcome relief from persistent thoughts of unhappiness. (From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services) |
| *Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier* |
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