MendingABrokenHeart10

~...Mending A Broken Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

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This is the time to give your gift of love, as Doug Manning, a minister, puts it in his warm book, "Don't Take My Grief Away From Me.":

"The perspective should be: I am now called upon to plan a fitting memorial to a life. I should plan this memorial as I think and feel it should be done. The planning and the memorial are my gifts to this life. It is my way of expressing how I feel and what the person meant to me"

But, even if you have said good-bye in the way that was right for you, the pain will not disappear. Remember, you still will grieve- even with the best hello and good-bye you can give.

                                                                                            ~Sexuality~

   "It was as if our coming together was our way of showing how much we cared for each other"

The loss of your baby affects you in so many ways. You may feel you have lost your innocence, or your future. Never again, you may think, can you believe in the dream of love, marriage and children.
   You may find the same intimacy that created your child now very difficult. Or, you may find it a source of great strength. Whatever your relationship was before the baby died, it more than likely will be different afterwards. You may view having sex as a positive way of communicating. You may use it to express your love, support, comfort and tenderness for each other. If you do, an increase in sexual response and activity may be a way of compensating for your loss or your desire for another baby.

"It was not a problem for us. Part of it was we needed to be close and we really needed that physical closeness. Sometimes, it felt that was the only thing you could count on. It was a few minutes when you could shut yourself off and stop thinking about how bad you feel"

While sex may help you share your grief and find comfort in each other, it is not an answer or relpacement for the pain you feel. Increased sexual activity, without working through your grief, may only repress or delay the pain.
   While some couples have increased sexual activity following a loss, others find themselves having it less. If you are one of them, you may feel sex always means having a baby. You may fear losing another child.

"What used to be so much fun is now associated with pain. Do I want to do this if it will end up six months from now, nine months from now, hurting?"

You may be able to communicate this feeling in words, or you may be unable to talk about it. If you cannot talk about it, your partner may interpret it as a "cold shoulder."
   You may have a feeling of inadequacy for having lost the child. This is particularly common when the loss occured in a second marriage and where previous, healthy children have been born.
   While some couples have decreased sexual activity, others become obsessed with having another baby. Your desire for a child may be such that your sexual interest becomes tied to a temperature chart. Your desire and intamacy can become replaced with the overwhelming need to become pregnant.
   The pitfall in this obsession is that, under all this pressure, couples can lose their drive for sex. If you have lost your self confidence following the loss of your baby, your sexuality may also be affected. You may think you are no longer sexually attractive.
   One of the signs of depression following a loss is a decreased sex drive. If you constantly hear yourself or your spouse saying "I'm too tired" or "I don't feel like it" you may turn off future efforts to make love. You may find yourself believing you should give up sexual enjoyment as a form of self-punishment or self-denial. You may think such things as "How can we feel good when our baby has died?"
   This feeling may come from the cultural belief that you should not feel happy when someone has died. Sometimes it comes from guilt associated with the death. One father's response was described in the book, "Motherhood and Mourning":

"The first time we had sex after the baby died, I can remember I felt funny, very funny. It was like I was entering a place where a dead body had been. The sensuousness of it was gone. I think my wife felt the same way, but we never did really discuss it. I just remember that intercourse was very unappealing. In fact, I think it was repulsive. Thank heavens those feelings didn't last long"

Once your doctor or nurse-midwife has said your body is ready and you, too, feel you are ready emotionally, it is a good idea to spend time alone with your spouse talking. You may want to express your concerns about resuming sex, feelings you have about yourself and your spouse since the baby died, and fears you might have about being pregnant again. You need to decide together if you are ready and what to do if one of you decides halfway through that you are not.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)