MendingABrokenHeart11

~...Mending A Broken Heart~

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*Photo taken at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier*

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As you work through your grief, please keep in mind:
* Just about every couple who has lost a baby goes through an intense period where they are obsessed with having another child. Wait until this emotion passes somewhat before becoming pregnant. One baby cannot replace another.
* Intimacy and sexual expression do not always have to end in intercourse. You may find satisfaction in holding, caressing and expressing tenderness. This form of sexual expression is crucial for couples to help each other heal.
* Sex does not have to mean you will have a baby. If birth control is acceptable to you, use it, particularly if you wish to have sexual intercourse before your doctor recommends you become pregnant again.
* If you have a fear of pregnancy, think about wheather it is a rational or irrational fear. One loss does not mean you will have another. You may be able to overcome your fears by getting more information about your loss or by going through genetic counseling.
* Do not make decisions for your partner without discussing them first.
* Do not punish yourself or your partner. Look at how realistic your guilt is and work through this normal stage of grief.
* A decreased sex drive, too, can be a normal stage of grief. Your desires should return.
* Do not allow sex to become routine. You can add spice and excitement, even if you have sexual intercourse only when you are most likely to concieve.
* A change of scene might help, when you are ready.
* Remember, problems in sexual expression are likely to be enhanced after loss.
* Finally, sex is a form of communication. Talking with your partner about your thoughts, feelings and fears will help you understand each other and respond sexually.

                                                   ~Thinking About Another Pregnancy~

   "I grieve for wanting to feel life moving inside of me. I also fear not ever being able to have children, although there is nothing physical to suggest this"

You may be reading this a few days, a few weeks or months following the loss of your baby. Perhaps the thought of trying for another baby has begun, but you probably have mixed feelings. You may also ask yourself, "Should I open my heart to another child, possibly opening myself to more pain? Am I interested in a child because of a deep desire to share my love, or do I want to replace the love I lost?" You may feel a sense of emptiness that you think could be filled by another child.

"I hoped some teenager who was pregnant would decide she didn't want her baby and would leave it for anyone who wanted to have it. But everyone took their baby home. Later, I had a dream that people would leave me babies behind the bushes in my yard. I would wake up disappointed that it was just a dream"

   Many parents literally become preoccupied with the thought of becoming pregnant again. All they can think about is having another baby- right away. Having been told "You will know when it is right" to have a child, they believe these feelings are the indication that this is the right time. They think having a baby will make them feel better.
   Pressure to become pregnant again may be from your spouse. As one father shared, some fathers may find themselves in a hurry to have another child. They want to see their spouse get out of depression and believe this is an easy answer.
   The desire to quickly become pregnant again may arise from an urgent and intense need within you, or from pressure from well-meaning family and friends. You and your friends may feel the solution to your grief is to have another baby. You will hear advice from just about everyone, telling you to wait, don't have a child at all.
   You may hear such well-intentioned comments as, "You're lucky you can get pregnant. You'll just have to try again." Or, you may hear, "You're still young. You can always have another baby."
   Having another will not shorten your grief. Trying to replace one loss with another is impossible, since each life is unique. If you choose to become pregnant again, you will want to welcome a new life with all the love the baby deserves as a new, seperate individual. This may be difficult or even impossible until your grief is resolved.

"If we had had a baby right after Jessica died, it wouldn't have been a good thing. We would have been putting too much of what we wanted for Jessica on that baby"

   The preoccupation to have another baby, which some parents have described as an obsession, generally passes. But even many months later, you may feel having a child is the way to rid yourself of the grief and to help you feel better. Having a baby too soon, however, may make it difficult for you to feel close to your baby.
   For some parents, planning another child is a way to look to the future. But some couples do not always agree about having another child. For them, the struggle is rough.
(From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services)