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| ~...Mending A Broken Heart~ |
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| *Photo is of the Yaquina Bay Bridge- at the Oregon Coast by Don Lashier* |
| From one mother: "My husband decided not to have any more children. Two is enough. That is what he feels. It is very hard for me to think that I am ending my childbearing years with a death. I still have this deep want and need to mother a baby again, especially after a loss" From her husband: "What would happen if we go through this and the same thing happens that has happened twice already? My main thing is I don't want to be a parent for all of my life. I am 35 years old at this point" You may be a parent who desires a baby, but hesitates, trying to protect yourself from another loss. "I just don't want to go through it again" You may even find yourself shifting between wanting a child right now, this minute, and saying you just don't want one...ever. These mixed and changing emotions of excitement and fear are very normal. Most couples have conflicting feelings when thinking about another pregnancy. "I'm absolutely petrified that I'll miscarry again. That's something I can't get out of my mind" You may wonder how you will know when you are ready. This is not an easy question to answer, since it varies so much from couple to couple. For some, it may be a few weeks or months, for others a year or two. These questions may help: * Does the loss still consume my every thought? * Am I obsessed with becoming pregnant? * Can I think about the loss without it tearing me apart? * Am I able to once again find importance in other people and activities? * Do I have happiness in my life, so that I can laugh and enjoy my life? * Am I expecting this next child to make me feel better? Allowing yourself to think things through clearly is important, particularly since a recent loss may have left yuo numb or with difficulty making decisions. "I almost wish I didn't have to make the decision. I wish in some way the doctor would have said 'no more pregnancies.' At least the decision would be out of my hands" No one can decide for you, but giving yourself the time you need will aid you in making the decision that's right for you. Physical considerations, such as your age, health and type of loss may influence your decision. Your body must be ready to carry another pregnancy. You may need longer to recover if your loss was through stillbirth or newborn death than if by miscarriage. Some couples, who were infertile and waited a long time to become pregnant, may feel an urgency to try again. This is particularly true if they are in their 30s and feel the pressure of time against them. Depending on the number of losses you have had, the time you wait may vary. Some couples not only must grieve for this loss, but for future ones as well. You may be an infertile couple, told you cannot have another baby, or your pregnancy may have been ectopic and you lost your only good tube or ovary. You may not have wanted to choose childlessness or adoption, and feel helpless because the situation made the decision for you. You and your spouse may feel the loss a blow to your masulinity or femininity. Although you recognize you are the same people, despite being unable to have a child, it still may be hard to erase those feelings of inadequacy. If you have already concieved a baby, your feelings may still be mixed. "When I found out I was pregnant, I had mixed emotions. I was overjoyed, yet scared. I was happy as ever to think we were going to finally have another baby, but at the same time, everything about our first baby's death kept haunting me" "Everything is going well with this pregnancy. My doctor is very optimistic and continually gives me reassurance that all is well. Nonetheless, I find it difficult to totally relax. I find myself comparing my pregnancy to other women. If there is some little discrepancy, I worry that something is abnormal about mine" Some mothers describe their feelings as a cloud hanging over the new pregnancy, especially until they pass the point at which death occured in their first pregnancy. "I was terrified, pretty nervous. I felt better once I hit 17 weeks" The pain of your loss may return if and when you have another child, as you compare the infants, your pregnancies and the births. But, you'll always remember the baby you lost, even if you have another. You will never forget your loss, but as time goes on, it will become less painful. (From the booklet "It means so much to know that someone cares" By: Bereavement Services) |
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