Journey
of the Heart
A few years ago, I went through what I now refer
to as my "meat cleaver" cycle of heart tenderization. It seemed
as if a razor sharp blows fell so rapidly, one after another that there
was hardly enough time to catch one's breath. This period was marked
by: major illness with prolonged fevers of 106, death of both parents,
traumatic deaths of close friends, sudden loss of my first husband followed
a few years later by another marriage and much hope.
The all too transitory bliss was soon shattered by the death of our
5 1/2 month old baby, ever present job stress with onerous overtime
hours, betrayal by co-workers in a cause we'd long fought for, eventual
abondonment by my second husband in the face of unrelenting stress/
unexpressed grief, and a severe auto accident resulting in complicated
medical problems. Still reeling from the staccato like blows, I groped
my way toward some stability. Swimming daily, connecting to the earth
through my garden, psychothreapy, group work, countless workshops, meditation,
spiritual work including service work, reading, Sufi Dancing, prayer...all
helped me reconnect with my center.
Gradually the sharp pangs became more dull, less intense and periodically
I'd experience a very unusal occurence: a very strong odor of roses
would completely pervade my surroundings. This did not occur on any
regular schedule, but seemed most frequent when significant events were
happening, or it would underscore some realization I'd just made. Usually,
I was the only one present, except during an Arny Mindell intensive
at Mt. Madonna, when the conference leaders had randomly matched me
with a roommate who seemed like a long lost sister-- she'd even been
initiated by Muktananda some fifteen years earlier, as had I. The pungent
odor of sweet roses drenched our room three times over the course of
that week, and she also experienced it on two of those occasions. 
After nearly a year, I began to sense a name and felt this was associated
with a specific person--it sounded like "Ba..Ba.." or "Ma..Ma..".
"Events seemed to lead me much as the proverbial carrot dangling
enticingly in front of the donkey--the goal seemingly within grasp and
only a heartbeat away. Synchronistic episodes connected the pieces,
and I learned of an Indian avatar called Sathya Sai Baba, who was reported
to have a remarkable powers. He emphasized all religions were one and
performed many miraculous feats which he referred to as "calling
cards" to get one's attention for the more significant work. He'd
reportedly cured every imaginable illness; appeared simultaneously in
diverse parts of the world, and even raised an individual from the dead.
I knew nothing of this man and had never been inclined to follow any
one religious leader or sect. I felt more of a Sufi than anything, believing,
as is their teaching, that there are many philosophies and paths one
may follow. Nonetheless, the odors continued, and during one of my daily
swims a "vision" occured over the course of about 50 or 60
laps. A spectacular lotus formed and opened revealing a vibrant, egg-shaped
object, which I later learned was a Shiva lingam. Next an upright triangle
surrounding it and with it's apex pointing up toward the Heavens. Over
the next 20 or so laps another triangle formed, it's apex pointing downward
toward the earth. Intersecting the first triangle, it formed the ancient
six-pointed cross. "as above, so below"-- man's spirit descends
to earth and physical form, followed by his search for return and reunion
with Spirit. I glimpsed what appeared to be a deer, then a heart framed
the picture with a crescent and star near the top. Finally, a brilliant
halo seemed to radiate from this vibrant, combined symbol and it gradually
solidified to what seemed a huge "afro: encapsulating a compasionately
beaming face which could be faintly seen over the entire picture.
Three weeks later, I was off to India..still in pursuit of that carrot.
An interminable flight: countless connections/delays, and a 4 hour taxi
ride over primitive dirt roads finally culminated in my arrival at Prishanti
Nilayam, Sai Baba's ashram in Southern India.
Each day a message from "Baba" was chalked on a blackboard
under a large tree in the center of the ashram. The message greeting
me upon my arrival seemed intended just for me: "Joy is a deceptive
trap; grief is the real perceptor, teaching caution, circumspection,
discrimination, detachment, awareness and vigilance. Death is not the
merciless foe he is made out to be. He is the friend and companion,
the teacher, the kindly kinsman who takes you into his fold and clothes
you with the halo of remembrance. The heart of man has to be toughened,
not hardened. It has to be made soft, not slithery. This can be achieved
only by the blows of loss, grief, and distress. It is God's way of shaping
us in the Divine mold."
I soon fell into the rhythm of the ashram-- arising early for morning
walking meditation, attending darshan (where Sai Baba greets his followers
and bestows blessings), participating in bhajan (singing sacred songs
in celebration), as well as group discussion and study. I was amazed
at the ongoing synchronicities and growing sense of peace. Each day's
events seemed to be meaningfully addressed by the daily chalkboard message.
The gentle peace gathered momentum..glowing faintly at first, occasionally
flickering. With steady puffs of cosmic energy, it was soon to burst
into full flame on Christmas Eve.
Although winter, the temperature was near the 90's. As we gathered for
darshan, hundreds of thousands of devotess flooded to the ashram. I'd
sat in meditation posture for a seeming eternity, jammed closely by
anxiously seeking devotees. Though hot, cramped and uncomfortable, I
was nonetheless among the fortunate, as many had been turned away for
lack of space.
At long last Sai Baba emerged and rather than making his customary circuit
among his devotess, was seated in front of the Western choir for a special
performance of Christmas carols. He was only a few feet from where I
was sitting, and I noticed, as he listened, he seemed to wipe tears
from his eyes. Distracted from my meditation, I mused, "His devotees
consider him God...I wonder if God cries. " I fell into a deep
reverie.
Suddenly, I popped from my physical body and seemed to merge with every
atom in the universe. Wondrous, all encompassing, unconditional love
engulfed my senses in great waves of bliss. I lost track of time, location,
body awareness and was consumed by gratitude and overwhelming love.
Tears were streaming down my face, though I was scarcely aware of them.
Eternities and lifetimes may have elapsed..everything seemed perfect
and unfolding according to a great cosmic order.
Then I felt a couple of strong nudges on my side and bolted back to
my physical body, gradually opening my eyes to an orange blur directly
in front of me. It was Sai Baba standing with those piercing, all-seeing
eyes looking deeply into my own. Once contact was made, he moved one
hand slowly to his eye and made a graceful gesture as if wiping away
a tear. That simple gesture conveyed both an answer to my silent question,
and an acknowledgement of the intense "bhakti" (as I later
learned it was called) experience I'd just had.
The following afternoon we gathered for Baba's Christmas address. I
had helped my friend who was in a wheelchair to a seat, so found a place
far back in the large auditorium. While waiting for Baba to appear,
I began talking with a German woman, a psychiatrist involved in many
innovative therapies such as rebirthing, regression, bodywork, psychodrama,
etc. She asked how I'd come there, and when I related the series of
events...the odors, synchromicities, vision,..she was astounded as she'd
had many directly parallel experiences. She kept talking of the amazing
grace with which, out of hundreds of thousands present, we'd be seated
next to one another. She'd just returned from a month long period of
study in Tibet, where she learned that there were not only colors and
sounds associated with the chakras, but an odor as well. Narcissus,
the aroma she'd been smelling, was associated with the third chakra:
and rose was connected with the fourth or heart chakra.
As I listened to Sai Baba's words on that special Christmas day: the
importance of love and service; attention to substance in one's spiritual
observances... not mere form; development of communities based upon
pure love and desire for peace... I wondered at the awesome beauty of
our connection with one another and the Divine. As I walked from the
Poonachandrum, my eyes fell upon a beautifully carved rose on the side
of the wall. Alongside it was inscribed: "Make your life like a
rose that speaks forever silently in the language of fragrance."
A few days after my return from India, the video "When Jesus Lived
in India" by Richard Bach ( a long time Sai Baba devotee ) arrived.
During one segment a close-up of the chakras from an ancient Tibetan
text is shown, and the diagrammatic drawing of the heart chakra was
a remarkable duplicate of the evolving vision I'd had while swimming.
Inspired by this coincidence, and having learned Sai Baba's birth date
and time, I constructed his astrological chart. His Sun sign was the
same degree and minute of Sagittarius as my moon sign, and my moon was
conjunct my mid-heaven--reaching for union with the Divine.
That
old adage, "When the student is ready the teacher appears"
took on a very personal significance as I basked in the glow of this
wonderful series of gifts. Through my heart had certainly been tenderized
and made ready by repeated blows, it seemed to have serve a purpose
in preparing for this awesome opening and healing.
And
now the real work begins in earnest--continual surrending of control
and ego, heartfelt service, ongoing observance of the patterns so as
to ever release and purify-- hopefully in the end making my life like
that fragrant rose which gracefully affects others by it's sweet presence.
Gayla
Reiter
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