Mydiary11

Ah Heng's Diary

Page 11 of 12

Date: 14th Oct 2004

It has been some time since I have last written here. Writing this diary always help to keep me sane and preserves my coherency.
I feel that it is at first Xanga which has kept me alive. Writing things on the blog and stays connected to other ppl on the net is a superb idea. It tells you that you are not alone in this world when ppl reply to your blog. Loneliness is really one of the greatest foe of mankind. It can drive one crazy easily.
Somehow I cannot sleep, especially after realizing that I have an interview tomorrow. And the dumbass I was, I cancelled the interview for Pokka Area Executive in the afternoon and went back to 'sleep'. This is horrible. I am making a big mistake. But my mentality at that time is really confusing, I am not even living but am already half-dead.
Insomnia... it's like a dreaded curse. Sigh... is this my punishment? Also I am very afraid that the most important interviews would turn out to be like the last Pokka incident. I think I really really need Zhou Gong to help me!! Help! Help!!

Date: 26th Nov 2004

Sigh today I stupidly go and visit a tigress. And kenna snappped at. OUCH!
I think I am a fool. Big fucking fool. Well, I just did what I think is right. And I have no regrets. That is my life. I don't know why a lot of things aren't going right for me. It affects my mood a lot a lot. It swings here and there, here and there.
Ok at least today I got back some of my lost feelings... That kind of anticipatory feeling that I have lost a long time ago. Ok, it isn't as strong now, but it's back nevertheless. It makes me feel like a human being again. I do not have this feeling for a long time now. So maybe that is some blessing in disguise?
Hmm... I don't think I have done anything wrong. Maybe ppl don't like surprises. But I don't mind looking at ppl's natural reaction. Hmm... I can tell that there is something wrong with the tigress herself. A normal person won't react this way. Only ppl with something to hide would do so. Just like one ebodfs that I know.
Hahaha I am laughing at myself.
Oh, my money is running out very fast. I have no more money now and desperately need to pay my fees. I can't plan well because I don't like planning. I like to cope with each day as it passes. My life sucks. It sucks really big time. When can my life improve? Ok, I think it has improve a little now. Just that I don't feel good being snapped at. Shit, can't forget the incident.
Well, I have this kind of situation before and I have coped really well. What is this? Nothing. Sucks. It still sucks.
Hope my life will become better again. If only someone can cure my headache.

Date: 12th Dec 2004

My life... it has now gone into emptiness again. Nothing I do works.
KP... He is not convinced that my plan can work, I tried to convince him nevertheless and he was silence after that. So how? If it cannot work, then I will be DAMN DAMN DAMN DISAPPOINTED. He is my only hope to get out of my mess and I have pinned everything on him. If it fails, then what shall I do? Start to act like a cow and eat grass everyday? Shit... I feel like a failure now. After all these effort? Please tell me otherwise.
SIM-OUC is another disappointment. KNN, put me as reserved tutor? I understand that it all depends on the number of students enrolling in the course, but I am not someone whom you can make use of whenever necessary and then throw aside if you don't need me. Sigh... what can I say, I can only blame myself that I have pinned too much hope on it.
KP ah KP, why not just trust me and let me do it. I promise you that I will make you TONS of money!!! I shall keep my fingers crossed. Anyway I have made a divination that it WILL work out and WILL become one of the best investments that one could really have. Just give me the money, and I will make sure that you will not be disappointed. It will make us very very RICH!!! Please please PLEASE you have to trust me. I know what to do.
Oh damn it. My life, it's still very empty. Well at least it's not a mess now. Does it mean that it has reverted to Kun already?

Date: 8th Apr 2004

So much things have happened since I made a last entry on this diary.
Now it's 2005 and well, I am feeling much better than last year. But it seems that I still have nothing to my name as of yet. I saw my previous entry and realized that I was really desperate at the time when KP rejected my proposal. Not that my proposal is no good, it is just that KP is a mediocre person who could not recognize a raw diamond when he sees it. Sigh... so much has taken place after that.
Firstly, I have already come out with a plan to start an online buisiness to fund our SU. For this plan, me and Joe have thought deep and hard to make sure that everything we do is worth all the risks that we undertake. I sincerely think this business really has super potential, provided that we carry out the necessary advertising to ensure all customers will recognize the true value of the unique service we provide.
Secondly, I no longer have desperate worries about money anymore because I am now teaching tuition everyday to fund my daily expenses. Moreover the lessons have already gone on for nearly three months, meaning that I no longer have to offer half my pay to the agency. And with an income of $900 per month, there is really nothing to worry about now. But then I still dread teaching tuition... well not exactly, I just dread having to slog on to work and earn money. I must have passive income... I MUST I MUST.
Thirdly, I have decided to move out once I have enough money. After moving out, at least I can do whatever I like and are no longer tied down by other ppl's expectations. I always wonder will I succeed in my plan? I don't really know how to break the news.
Lastly, I cross my fingers that there is really light at the end of the tunnel. I MUST SUCCEED I MUST SUCCEED.