Doing The Dishes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for
a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he
has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is
outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a
fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since,
but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is
saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs
his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is
obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down,
but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and
does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her
dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there
is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs
his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's
father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY. I'LL DO THE DISHES!!"
I can't do that
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and
out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir,
I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic.
If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a haemophilic. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic.
If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white
line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Why can't you belive me?
A guy is driving home when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "Yes, I have."
The cop says, "Please step out of the car."
The guy says, "Why? Don't you believe me?"
Missunderstanding in the Elevator
A big black guy and a small white guy get into an elevator
together. The big black guy turns to the small white guy and
says: "I'm black, I weigh 280 pounds, I have a 12 inch dick,
and my name's Turner Brown."
At this the small white guy faints and collapses on the floor.
When he comes to, he asks:
"What did you say?"
The big black guy replies:
"I said, I'm black, I weigh 280 pounds, I have a 12 inch dick,
and my name's Turner Brown."
"Thank God" says the white guy, "I thought you said 'turn
around'..."
Brunette, Redhead, and a Blonde on a burning building.....
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding
a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette,
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette
jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank
the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like
a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.
Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the
Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
Presidential Savings Plan
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am
putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in
it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity
got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept
my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need
to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and
saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on
the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not
that bad considering the number of years we've been together."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary
asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
cash."
Fishing in wrong side of the lake
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The
husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife
preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after
several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The
wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with
the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started
reading her book.
Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate
woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
American Embassy in Russia
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take
a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find
anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the
side streets to take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said,
"Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.
"You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of
grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the
cop, "whiz away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the
flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you.
Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
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