Running Late
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street.
"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this
right now!"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you
cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say ..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and
said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm
the bridegroom."
In Air force 1
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill
looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person
very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw
ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course,
then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and
make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could
throw all of you out the window and make the whole country
happy."
Stressful call
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received
a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets
weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat
with his best friend, Al. Al agreed to come over to John's house
and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told
Al, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of
him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left. The
next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are
things?"
To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up. Next day, John
called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see
it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof,
fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road,
and got run over." John was cooling down a bit now, and said,
"Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You
could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first
said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat
fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up. The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
Afraid to fly
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York
to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely.
Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over
and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you
down?"
The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds
later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops
shaking.
Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking
and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he
swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that
the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.
"My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen
someone so afraid to fly."
"I'm not afraid of flying," says the man.
"Then what's the matter?
Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."
Farmer Joe in a car accident
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained
in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the
accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish nthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man
told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several
months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he
is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to
the lawyer, I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule,
Bessie.
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and
shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the
road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.
How are you feeling?'"
We need bread again...
Mrs. Johnson went to the Mayor's office to plead clemency for
her husband, Fred, who was serving time in jail. The Mayor
received her graciously.
"Now, Mrs. Johnson, how long will Fred be in jail?" asked the
Mayor.
Mrs. Johnson replied, "Thirty days."
"And what's the charge?"
"No charge," Mrs. Johnson answered, "Everything's free!"
The Mayor said, "No,no,no, I mean, why did he get sent to jail?"
"Oh, he stole a loaf of bread."
"Well, is he a decent father to Fred Jr.?"
"He's the worst. He drinks, he gambles my paycheck away, and he
uses his fists."
"He uses his fists a lot?"
"Yes. Fred was fourteen before he realized he had fingers!"
The Mayor was confused. "Why do you want him back?"
Mrs. Johnson replied, "We're out of bread again!"
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