Signs That You're Getting Old(er) 

  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything 
  else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 

  You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
  just as long as you don't have to go along. 

  Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work. 

  Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to 
  every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds? 

  You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office 
  start confiding in you. 

  Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. 

  By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to 
  go anywhere. 

  Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have 
  begun to grow in the middle. 

  Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to 
  enjoy. 

  A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
  doctor instead of by the police. 

  Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the
  one that will get you home earlier. 

  You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is 
  the only thing you care to exercise. 

  At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a 
  laxative. 

  Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will 
  avoid you. 

  You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 

  You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started. 

  You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you don't know till 
  the 4th of July. 

  You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling 
  and you didn't do anything the night before. 

  The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. 

  It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.