i'm not sure what i'm about to write, but i feel like i need to. so here goes.
what a year it's been already. honestly. and to think i've had this site for about 8 years. the amount of tears and pain and inspiration i've put into the writing on here is worth more than gold to me. it's priceless. i thank God for every amount of hardship i've dealt with cuz He's using it to bring life.
so john's in iraq for his second deployment. no one outside my family honestly can ever relate to what that's like. and how, unlike the 'big army' or any other branch, special forces is doing a lot of the hardcore stuff you only see in movies. but no one gets that. and it's okay. i'm just really surprised no one ever asks about him. even my closest friends. he is my best friend. and i miss him terribly.
this has been an interesting year so far. i've gone through two guys.. which was wonderful yet coupled with both confusion and heartbreak. it's made me more determined, however. it's opened my eyes to see how quickly and how easily it is to get pulled away from the truth. it's seemed to get a lot more subtle and i've seen it happen big time in a few friend's lives. it's like there is this ruthless man-hunt out for the lovers of God. more so than ever. friends that had a holy destiny, who were doing the things of the spirit they'd only ever dreamed of. and then in the blink of an eye, they're hooking up with guys, out every night doing pretty much anything you'd imagine. and i've come close to going a similar route. that scares me. without the strong foundation of what made me who i am, i'm not sure where i'd be right now.
i wanna be with You, where You are.
that's my heart's cry right now. i went to a morningstar worship conference a few weeks ago and it fueled and wrecked me. it's so who i am, and i'm ready to find Him. not just a bit of Him, but the whole of Him. it's the only thing that satisfies and gives me true joy. and i mean that with all my heart. this isn't just an entry to write nice fluffy words in order to maybe move someone reading it. i wouldn't say it otherwise. that conference opened up my spirit to parts of me that have been dormant. i had a vision of notes of different colors. i've dreamt of different songs. did you know the Kingdom is full of vibrant color? and people are surrounded in colors we can't see? God's kingdom is full of creativity. so why wouldn't it be full of some of the most luscious color ever seen?
i prayed an impartation over the .presence. team when i got back and i felt the Holy Spirit so strong. If i'm the only one that felt it, it's ok. I actually felt the Lord's pleasure because if you don't give it away, you're gonna lose it. I wanted to bring something back. the next night, .presence. exploded. I wasn't feeling well, and my head mysteriously cleared up while we worshiped. God definitely imparted something because during the songs i led, i got prophetic pictures, songs, and words for people. it was so fun. and i want more. i want people to experience the real Jesus. i'm finding new challenges here in this 'bible belt' area, but i think i'm starting to get a handle on it. maybe even a heart for it? i just want them to be hungry. if they're hungry, He will come. His kingdom can come to myrtle beach. it could change the face of a nation and the spiritual atmosphere of this place.
sometimes i just feel like one of the few and far between who have a passion for purity and holiness. i'm not perfect by any means, but i'm finding it's food for my spirit. if i have God, i have everything. where are the forerunners? the ones who are running the straight and narrow, yearning to feel His heart. it's funny...i feel so alone, and yet, tonight this mom of teenagers came up to me crying and telling me that she needs me--that the teenagers need me so they have someone to follow. it blew my mind. absolutely.
so here i sit at my computer. i feel sad for some of my friends who are settling for the soup instead of the birthright. but coming to the realization that i am not their saviour. i'm missing my brother more every day, wishing i could go to iraq and bring him peace myself, to help him sleep and know that he's not forgotten. to shield him from anything both emotionally and physically. i'm scared but i choose to trust. i am passionate about what i see God doing here and i want more. and i want everyone to experience it. i want it to spread to new hampshire where my parents are. i don't want anyone to miss out. i want them to be satisfied under the wings of the Almighty. i want to hear songs from heaven. i want to see from the heart of the Father. yet i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i want to find my soulmate. but perhaps i'm on a journey right now to find myself and security in who i am...to become unshakeable in it. and to raise up some new burning ones who are on the brink of discovering what their true destiny really is.
i'll take your burden
you take My grace
rest easy
in My embrace
doesn't that say something?
bill johnson came to our church a week ago. i played a ton for those three days. and i haven't felt that fullfilled in awhile. like i could do that for the rest of my life. everyday.
i want to be different.
i don't like the way i feel about certain things.
i don't like the way my heart hurts about things that it shouldn't hurt about.
sometimes i feel like giving in. to the thoughts that aren't true. and just accept the fact that things will never be different.
i want different so bad.
i want my dreams to happen even worse.
as i'm writing about it, my eyes tear up. that's how bad i want it.
no one knows how deep this goes. maybe a few have an idea. i'm not sure.
i want friendships to be okay.
yet maybe i've really done it this time. maybe it's time to just let go.
i just don't know.
i can't breathe sometimes when i think about it.
does anyone know how deep this goes?
i feel music in a different way than most.
i take it really seriously. it means more than most things in my life.
i go to shows and i breathe it in. i consume whatever i can get from it.
i find passion in it. ..sometimes in the oddest songs. but that passion screams in my face and i can't ignore it.
i listen to it in my car, and get swept up in it.
if i'm with other people, i sometimes get so lost in it, i stop paying attention to everything around me.
does that say something?
i think it may.
i'm just not sure what to do about this thing burning inside of me.
sometimes it's easier just to think it'll never happen.
but i know it will.
last weekend proved it. too many people confirmed it.
and then just what God said alone was enough.
i cannot give up.
God i thank you for the doors you have opened. i know if they're real, they will not shut.
thank you for ME. for creating me. even though sometimes i want another life. i see things and wish those things would happen to me.
but i choose to believe you have GOOD for me. that you have a BEST. i'm beginning to taste it...again. little by little. restore it. please stay with me. and build it back up again.
last night i went to barnes with some friends. after they left, i went over to the card section because i needed to get one. for a split second, i felt this lonliness come over me. and i thought, "no. i'm not gonna feel that way." and i asked Jesus, as my best friend, to come talk to me. not even a minute later, this card popped out at me. it was a blank card, but on the front it had this picture of a bunch of butterflies flying inside a rectangular box. at the right side, there was a small opening and it showed one butterfly flying out of the opening. a dialog between the group of butterflies and the one by itself was written below the picture:
"Why do you fly outside the box?"
"I fly outside the box because I can."
"But we KNOW the box. We are SAFE inside the box."
"That, my friend, is why I leave it. For you may be SAFE...
...but I AM FREE!"
i just stood there. and then read it again. um who puts that on a card that's blank inside? freedom has been something i have been chasing after for awhile. and i realized in the last few months that God is calling me "free". he is saying it is my name. it is who i am. it is what i carry. and it's always been something i am willing to fight for. last weekend, i fought it. every now and then, i'd feel intimidated...or inadequate...or that i've messed up for good this time. but i stood up there and decided that NO--i am FREE. i choose to own that. he bought it at a huge price for ME. and as a result of choosing to own it, the place busted loose.
don't stay in the box. don't stay in the safe places. freedom is only found when you take a risk. so if you can't find me, you know where i'll be. i'm not in there with everyone else. with the norm. and the complacent. and the predictable. anybody out there want to come with me?
i hope that
there is.
so here it is. 10.30pm.
here i sit.
with a million things swirling through my head.
my friends lost their 2 month old baby the other day. little rhema had trisomy13. the doctors were not hopeful from the beginning, but little by little she was improving.
and today was her funeral. you could feel God's comfort so strongly in that room today. interspersed between the talking was worship and it was just amazing. yet so sad. i don't understand life. i don't understand the hurt we go through and the pain that seems to effect us in such a strong way. we walk around with these little daggers of pain, sometimes growing numb to the fact we even felt that pain at one point. it skews who we are for...all our life. in a sense, it puts dents in our spirit man. unless we allow God to come in and pull the daggers out, or fix the dents until they are smooth again. but there are so many things...big and little things...that cause pain. some of us are more in tune with it than others. still there are people wandering around not realizing they are even carrying hurt or that it doesn't have to become a part of who you are.
i don't know what i'm trying to say, really. i can't imagine the amount of loss and pain her parents are feeling. yet, they chose to worship God in the midst of it all. the other day, i mentioned to someone that i don't understand why this happens. but at the same time, i know that God is sovereign. and today the pastor pretty much echoed my words from the other day. that He indeed is sovereign.
one statement they said today i won't forget. that rhema loved it when her daddy spun her around the room and danced with her. and now, she is dancing with her Father. and the first sight she is ever seeing is Him.
that wrecks me.
still.
several hours later.
somehow, this little baby impacted a ton of people in a short amount of time. she carried love. she knew what it was. that's what i want to be about. that's it. will i ever push past my pain? my disabilities? i'm not sure. but it's what i live for. above everything else i do, it's the ultimate goal.
i watched heroes tonight. at the beginning of every show, they say something profound. i see it as prophetic. tonight this is what was said:
"when we embrace who are truly are, we have no limits."
things are shifting here. relationships are changing. i'm finding He is jealous for me. and all He wants is me.
to throw away the things that hinder me and to run. to find who i am and become limitless. it's what i choose to do. and sooner or later my dents will be smooth. the daggers, removed.
because of one choice.
to love. and to let love in.
i will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can�t climb
i will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
i will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
i will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
-bebo norman 'lift my eyes'-
so yes. it's almost been a year and once again, i didn't think i'd touch this site anymore. BUT here i am...posting something else! i was reading through old entries recently and realized how much God has spoken to me in the past. some of it was amazing to read, actually...because i know His spirit breathed life into what i wrote. so i thought i'd share a revelation i got when i woke up yesterday morning. here is the story:
Ordinary Day
another early morning. i woke up before the sun, after only about 5 hours of sleep, mostly groggy and not wanting to move. but i knew i had to. today i was in charge of leading worship at the Leader's School that Shiloh Place has twice a year. it's way early in the morning, but the school is one of my favorite things ever. and so here i was--trying to wake myself up and prep myself for the day. in first waking up, i felt a bit intimidated by the day. daunted, actually. i was doing the worship completely by myself for the first time in this school...and then just kind of challenged by the events of the day.
but before i could even think clearly, i heard these lyrics in my head:
"just a day, just an ordinary day..."
which is from vanessa carlton's song "Ordinary Day". God speaks to me a lot this way. He'll choose a song i've not listened to in a million years, and probably 80% of the time, it's a secular song. God loves to speak to me so randomly. and He knows i absolutely love it. but i have honestly not listened to vanessa carlton or even thought about her in a very long time. but today i was just like..."hm. thats a random song..i doubt it has that much signifigance. probably just me thinking about how ordinary my day is gonna be..."
psh. yeah RIGHT.
so as i'm straightening my hair i figure that welllll...i might as well put it on.
and i honestly almost started to cry.
i felt like God was singing it directly to me. it was the craziest feeling.
here are the lyrics. blew my mind.
....
Just a day, just an ordinary day.
Just tryin to get by.
Just a boy, just an ordinary boy.
But he was looking to the sky.
And as he asked if i would come along
I started to realize-
That everyday you find just what he's looking for,
Like a shooting star, he shines.
And He said take my hand,
Live while you can
If we walk now, we will divide and conquer this land
And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
You'd swear thsoe words could heal.
And I as looked up into those eyes
His vision borrows mine.
And to know he's no stranger,
For I feel I've held him for all of time.
And he said take my hand,
Live while you can
And if we walk now we will divide and conquer this land.
Divide and conquer this land
....
i usually listen to songs with an openess of God possibly speaking through it, even if it's a secular song. but this song i have never ever done that with. and it would be so like God to choose it. ha. the "take my hand" and "we'll divide and conquer the land" GOT me. wow. i felt like the verses were about Jesus and then in the chorus, like He was saying directly to me to take His hand and just live. and with Him i can conquer the land. it's weird though. all the lyrics i looked up on the internet don't have that line. it's this instead:
"He said take my hand, Live while you can
Don't you see your dreams right in the palm of your hand?"
which is so signifigant as well. people are constantly speaking into my life about living my dreams. like...all the friggin' time. and it's like God has placed the dreams within our reach. they're actually even closer than that--they are right in our hands. all we have to do is hold onto them and claim them. because anything is possible.
Anything.
i got to the school that morning, knowing that God had my back. i wasn't up there by myself, like i initially thought. i shared the revelation i got with them during worship. as soon as i shared it, i could almost physically see that deposit of the revelation go deep in their hearts like arrows. it was powerful. i am discovering that God's ordinary is a lot different than our ordinary. ordinary days are actually quite special. so take the bull by the horns. grasp his hand and hold on tight. because with him you can scale a wall. you can climb a mountain. you can conquer the land. your dreams are right in front of you. live it and rock it.
i didn't think i'd update this anymore, but i thought i'd throw this in here for good fun. happy holidays!
A Year in Review
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? went to a driving range, learned how to surf, attended a special sneak preview of a movie in the theatre, ran over a possum, drove a 34 hr round trip in my car by myself, moved far away...the list keeps growing.
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't really care..?
3. Did anyoe close to you give birth? yes.
4. Did anyone close to you die? yes.
5. What countries did you visit? canada. but just wait till next year---w00t.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? focus.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory? probably the day i moved...that was a really thrilling and interesting day.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? going with my heart, despite a ton of fear and uncertainty.
9. What was your biggest failure? i didn't have any failures, just a huge amount of learning experiences.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? yeah...bad sinus infection that when i visited the doc, she made me faint. annnd the numerous scrapes and bruises from surfing for hours on end. (of which some i still have...) but i'm not complaining. :)
11. What was the best thing you bought? ummm...maybe my Ipod shuffle. and the million tickets for shows...*ahem*
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? ....
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? paris hilton's in that wax movie..
14. Where did most of your money go? not sure i wanna think about that one.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? shows, surfing at 5.30 in the morning for the first time and watching the sun rise over the water--i was pretty much manic after that one.
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2005? probably the whole Secret Lives album...or Death Cab.
Compared to this time last year, are you:
17. Happier or sadder? happier.
18. Thinner or fatter? i lost a lot of weight last year due to something other than a diet...soo now i'm back to normal. ;)
19. Richer or poorer? eh...considering i have no income....
20. What do you wish you'd done more of? let go sooner.
21. What do you wish you'd done less of? held onto things that weren't rightfully mine.
22. How will you be spending Christmas? in VERMONT!
23.Did you fall in love in 2005? only every time i saw a band play..soo yes.
24. How many one night stands in this last year? shhhh
25. What was your favourite TV program? the OC, of course!
26. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? the freaking lady in King Kong that kept climbing and re-climbing up the Empire State Building. who falls in love with a huge ape? who DOES that?! *sigh*
27. What was the best book you read? In the Company of Heroes by Michael Durant
28. What was your greatest musical discovery? VEDA!!!!!! oh, and Stars, for sure.
29. What did you want and get? i wanted to get out of where i was and i did.
30. What did you want and not get? a friendly hug from Teppei. :(
31. What was your favourite film of this year? RENT. and Just Like Heaven was really good.
32. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i got surprised out of my mind by all these amazing people at the preschool...after i got a huge speeding ticket earlier that morning. cops like me.
33. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? i think the year was good. part of it was hard, but without that i wouldn't be who i am right now.
34. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? i'm a pretty hip chick
35. What kept you sane? focusing on the good and the good that was to come. geez...this is getting deep!
36. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most: umm...i have a new crush pretty much every day. seeeeriously.
37. What political issue stirred you the most? the One Campaign. still does.
38. Who did you miss? my moll
39. Who was the best new person you met? oooh...soo many.
40. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: you have to let it all go in order to move on to the next thing that God has for you. it wasn't yours in the first place, so it's not yours to hold onto. clinging onto something--be it your identity, what you do, relationships, etc.--can hinder you from your destiny. it can be used to fill a need that you were only designed for God to fill. so continually give it all back to Him--your praise, your gifts, your friendships, family, hope, dreams and desires--it's all His to begin with. YOU are His. and once you give it to Him and lay it down, unbelievable things will happen. doors will open you didn't know existed. dreams you thought were lost to dusty corners will be brought to life in a way you only ever dreamed. relationships will be stronger and healthier. because He is at the top. and you are His. and He is yours. and that's the way it should be.
happy new year. it's gonna be a good one.
____________
July 31, 2005. here we go.
what i wrote September 25 is now happening. be careful what you wish for. :)
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)
Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Buildings with a hundred floors
swinging 'round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway
I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway
