Jesus is the reason.
This update will probably be my lovely traditional Christmas version. (Not all traditions are bad!) The other night, I sat down with Gerry (my acoustic guitar) and played through some Christmas carols. I was amazed at the words in some of the songs...so worshipful and powerful, really. Back in my denominational days, the songs had meaning, but now with being older and with my eyes opened a bit wider, they seem even more powerful to me. I was like, "whoa..even people so long ago knew how to worship God in such a reverant and awesome way." Just my revelation I got--take what you will. : )
In other news, my brother's coming home in a week for about 6 days. I'm quite excited..and then we finally get to go cut down our Christmas tree as a family. A year ago, I was dreading this time of the year because he was leaving for the Army right after New Year's. And I made it through a year with him not being here--never thought I would. And then there are all kinds of exciting conferences and things happening after the holidays, which I will write about when the time draws nearer!
We just had another awesome and foundation-building conference at church with Dan Goddard. Unlike the conference in September, God actually did more than just speak revelation to me, but He removed some crap and breathed some fresh words of life into me as well. In the past month, He's done a ton of awesome things in my life with relationships I have, which I praise Him for. More about that in my journal.
I have now attempted at writing this update several times--this is the third try, and hopefully the last. It's not that I have writer's block, but I'm not quite satisfied with what I've written...so I keep starting over. I want to share with you, though, something I got while watching "Finding Nemo" the other night.
As I sat down and had a movie night with just me and the dog, I never expected God to speak to me. I was just in for having some time by myself to chill for once. And in retrospect, I think God loves these times...He loves to chill and have fun just as much as us. It's pretty cool to think of God that way, eh? So there's this one part of the movie that really stuck out to me. (And don't read this next part if you plan on watching the movie.) Marlin and Dory are on this mission of sorts of trying to find Nemo, who had been taken by divers at the beginning of the film. They find themselves almost to Sydney, where Nemo is, when they discover that they have no idea where they're going. Stuck in the middle of this vast ocean without a direction on where to go and without a sea creature in sight. All of a sudden, they spot this whale in the distance. Dory decides to go up to it and try and speak "whale" to ask for directions. Before they know it, Marlin and Dory are swallowed up by the whale and are now stuck inside its mouth. Marlin is fuming because his only goal and focus is finding his son and now he's stuck inside a whale. Dory, on the other hand, is carefree and enjoying the ride inside. All of a sudden, the whale stops and proceeds to swallow the two fish. Marlin holds on for dear life to the tongue, wondering if he's going to die. Dory interprets in "whale" speak and says "I think he's (the whale) saying 'Let go!' ". Marlin hesitates, eventually lets go, but it takes him a few minutes before he realizes that he really has no other choice. It turns out instead of being swallowed, these two fish are pushed out of the whale's spout into the free ocean, at the exact location where Nemo is.
It's a great prophetic picture. We've got Marlin focused on the task at hand--finding his son Nemo--and worried only about getting out of that whale as soon as he can. Then there's Dory, the crazy fish with short-term memory loss, who is just blissfully floating around in the whale's mouth without a care in the world. She can speak "whale" language, but is underestimated by herself and Marlin. Truly she is hearing the right thing and simply lets go without thinking, worrying or caring. I don't know about anyone else, but that scene totally stuck out to me. Dory heard the Master's Voice, so to speak, trusted, and fell into what looked like to be a scary dark place. And how did it turn out? It turned out that trusting the whale was the right thing to do all along. He brought them to where they needed to go and kept them safe.
I could elaborate even more by making comparisons between myself and Dory. She was underestimated because of the short-term memory loss. I sometimes underestimate myself in doing what God wants me to do or hearing His voice because of my faults or just the lack of confidence I have. Or that the whale appeared in the right moment, where there was no other creature to help, the whale appeared right out of the blue. This is just like God's character to show up when we need Him. Do you see it? Do you see that it's crucial for us, as children of the King, to let go? Let go and trust. Oo boy. If only. But I think it's possible. Time to let go and fall...fall...into the vast ocean of His grace and love. There are so many great things God could speak through just this little scene. I think it's so cool. In the past month, I've learned to let go of a lot of crap, which has been very freeing. But there's a ton more. If only for just one little while, I could learn to forget about finding Nemo and learn to rest a bit more. To let go of the things that truly only the Master can really control. The places where only the whale can take me.
Jesus is the reason.
I can't decide whether this should be a journal entry or not, so I'm thinking it's gonna go in my "news" page. Because this is my website and I can. Ha.
So tomorrow's Thanksgiving. Ever since my trip to Brazil, I haven't quite grasped the whole concept of gorging myself silly for one day. Brazil wrecked me in that area for life, I think. Yeah, there's much to be thankful for and all that, but we should be thankful every day for what we have, right? Every day should be a celebration, I think. Today the school prepared this Thanksgiving Lunch Feast for everyone...parents and siblings were invited. It could've been a disaster, but it ended up not being as stressful as everyone thought. It turned out quite well actually, although I have a feeling all the kids cared about were eating the turkey shaped cookies I made for dessert. I tried talking to them about Thanksgiving, but I could almost see my words flying straight over their head. Hopefully they'll get it someday. I just have a hard time with Thanksgiving, as I mentioned above. Maybe it's just my outlook, but all the same, I've been totally ruined in that aspect.
In another aspect I've been ruined as well. Or maybe you could call it having a mind-blowing revelation of my calling. The revelations always seem to come in the midst of really rough times. I'm not sure that it started out meaning to be a revelation, but God definitely had a part in making the outcome a huge revelation to me. I had this dream a few nights ago, ironically the night before I went to hang out with my friend. (see journal entry) So to make a long detailed dream short, I had this dream about Satan. And it was quite freaky, but I don't remember being scared in the dream. I was at an airport with my family and we had this little 2 yr old girl with us. She ran away from me at the airport, and all of a sudden this huge 7-8 foot thing that had human features came up behind me and put his hands over my ears. In the dream, I got a word of knowledge that this person/thing used to lead worship in heaven and then I immediately knew who it was. I turned around to look at him, and he had his huge gross hands tightly over my ears. He towered over me as I looked at his monster-ish face, greasy hair, and sharp teeth. And I could just taste and feel the hate seeping from him towards me. I could feel how much he hated me and how much he hated my worship. I tried to say the name of Jesus but I couldn't say it. I have never, in my whole life, felt so much intense hate. The dream went on with various things, and eventually he tried to go after my dad and slashed his face, across his eye. And other things happened as well. It was definitely a warfare dream and a wake-up call on my part. And in the end? Satan lost. Somehow his head got chopped off and he drowned. : )
Take what you will and think what you may think, but I know without a shadow of doubt that God speaks through dreams in an amazing way. Sometimes it's the only way He can get us to listen. Sometimes it's the only part of the day our bodies and minds are at rest. We should be resting in God 24-7, but it doesn't happen. And that's a whole other news blip I won't get into now! But anyway, God revealed a lot to me about Satan's distructive plan for me, my family and my destiny. It was unbelievable. Satan is definitely trying to steal vision and block hearing of the Father's voice from the church. He's trying to scare us into backing away from our destinies with lies and hate. When he stopped me from chasing after that little girl that was in my care, it was definitely a prophetic picture of what I am called to do, and what he's trying to stop me from doing. And I think that the dream wasn't necessarily meant for me, but for the church; for God's children. It is crucial that we know our destinies and who we are in Christ. If we don't know this, Satan comes in with his lies, his fear, his hate and anything else that could keep us from doing the things in which God has called us. The church needs to know that what's out there is real and it is definitely evil. I believe he even wants to destroy the future children of God...the ones that haven't been reached with the love of the Father yet. One might think Satan might be chillin', happy that we haven't reached the lost people we know, but I believe he's even trying to destroy them as well. He knows what warriors they will be once these lost ones find the Father. He's come to kill and destroy, but Jesus has come to bring life.
That's just part of the revelation I have received since having that dream. The enemy knows what God has planned and hates it with such a passion. I cannot even begin to describe that hate I had felt in the dream. Wow. I haven't had a warfare dream like that in quite a long time, but it was definitely timely on God's part. Because the very next night, I drove around with my friend who totally opened up to me more than I've ever seen him do before. That blew my mind, especially because he didn't wait to open up to me--we weren't in the car even 30 minutes. And there is no other way around that it was the Holy Spirit, because that never happens. And since having this huge revelation, I've been fueled with that evangelistic passion that's been inside me all along, although I've felt it kind of dormant lately. Until now. And knowing Satan hates my guts just fuels me more. Because with Jesus' blood and protection, there's nothing to fear. I live for the Truth. And the truth will set the captives free.
"Freedom of Speech
Freedom of Worship
Freedom from Want
Freedom from Fear"
-FDR-
Amen.
Well, I�ve just finished cleaning. Phew. A sleep-deprived night last night (the power went out right when I was going to sleep, which shut off my fan, and I can�t sleep as well without one�and I know you wanted to know that), a crazy morning today with those lovely 2 yr olds, and I�ve finally sat down. Soon, I�ll have to get back up again to finish up my reading before class tonight. And THEN�my brother�s gonna be here when I get home. : ) : ) : ) : ) He got a last-minute 4 day pass off base and is coming up as a last minute surprise (my mom doesn�t know�shhhh). I�m quite excited though. My brother rocks. And if you know me, you will know this fact already. Hehe.
On a more updated-kind-of-serious note (and without sounding like a Hallmark card), the lessons in life never stop coming. It�s not annoying necessarily, but I feel like I never get a break. A lot of stuff is (still) coming up to the surface that deals a lot with my character. It�s not just from churchy stuff, but even out in my job I�m learning things and learning how to let things go. I�ve kind of woken up in a sense to see that I hold onto things way too long. There are too many instances where this has happened in my life; so I�m not gonna get into the nitty gritty. Most of it has had to do with people I�ve encountered in my life and some of my deep relationships that I�ve had with friends. (You�re probably thinking, �Is it me?!� hehe.) Some of them I�m learning have not been so deep, and that things with some are changing. *rolls eyes* But�what else is new?! And God is constantly reminding me of who I am and of my foundation, my roots, which I mentioned last time. Why do I say it�s God that�s doing this? Because it�s not my own little mind, that�s for sure. I�ll come across things completely by accident�songs, a word, a picture, a movie�and bam! (like Emeril) there�s another revealing piece of what makes me who I am today. It�s revolutionary to find out who you are and to find out what has made you who are. It really brings a whole new dimension to life, I�m finding. Have I asked for this to happen? Nope. Not really. But I think it�s crucial to know your identity in Christ, founded in truth, before you step into the bigger and deeper things of God. It�s quite cool and for just 25 cents and a desire to know who you are, I believe God will reveal it to anyone who wants it. Pursue the deeper things. And no matter what crazy things come at you, you�ll know the truth and you won�t be shaken.
stay lit.
It's only been two weeks since I've updated this but my life circumstances have changed a bit since then! Lots of changes in literally days.
But to back up, let me just note that I went down to D.C. over Labor Day weekend (this past weekend) to visit my bro there. It was awesome!! And so much fun--even if the staff of the hotel we were at were complete idiots who judged us for being the age we are. We left a *insert sarcasm* nice guest comment sheet when we left. ; ) It went very quickly, though! I wish it could've been longer because it really was a lot of fun. I love my brother because we laugh sooo much...hehehe. (I took lots of video, too!) And my plane was delayed on the way back which was definitely exciting--especially knowing I had to get up and start my new job in the morning! : P LaGuardia isn't a bad airport, though..just in case you need to be stuck there at some point! It's funny though--every time I go on a plane ride by myself somewhere, I end up re-evaluating my life and my values and everything in between. There's something about a plane that does that to me. Be it the fact that you are flying 500 miles an hour above ground--way, way above ground (and sometimes sea)--or just the soothing (or not so soothing) hum of the plane as it flies towards the next destination. There is something so applicable to my life, and the lives of many others, that is carried out here. We're always heading somewhere, embarking on some adventure, whether it's great or small...it matters in some way. And sometimes we don't even have the foggiest idea how it matters, but it's got to.
I'm writing this still sleep deprived from my weekend and working fulltime for the past couple days, so that is my excuse if this doesn't make sense...hehe.
So now, I'm working my first fulltime job in two years--aaah! Not that I haven't worked, because for the last two years, I've had two part-time jobs instead. So yeah--I'm a preschool teacher, for those of you who don't already know! I've got two different age groups that I'm working with and I already am learning a lot and it's been two days. I'm also starting another college course this fall having to do with Early Childhood Education. I'm afraid I'm in way over my head, but at the same time, I seem to do better when I'm challenged. So here we go. I'm already either so busy or so tired that I don't really have too much time in between to worry about it. The only sinking feeling I have is not having enough time to wind down from my lovely summer vacation before diving head stinkin' first into a whirlwind of whoknowswhat. I know God's got great stuff ahead and He's not given me a spirit of fear...so I know I will get through it. I just don't want to mess up along the way! But--His grace is sufficient. I just feel like I'm already hanging on by the edge of my fingernails. Maybe...just maybe...it's time to let go and let fly.
I guess we'll see.
I've just returned from a kick ass time in England. oh MY--good times. I knew God had given me a heart for the UK for a reason and now, after returning, I definitely know for sure that it's a valid thing. Going to England was a promise and dream He gave me many years ago and I know it's only the beginning. He is faithful...soooo soooo faithful. So I got to stay with Elliott...and you know you are awesome, dude, so I don't have to say it twice. ; ) I also got to catch up with a couple friends from School of Ministry that I haven't seen in 4 stinkin' years--including one my best friends from the school, who got married on Saturday. : ) And I love her so much! But yeah--I didn't really know what the reason was for heading over there, except to chill with Ell (hey--that rhymes) and go to my friend's wedding. But I think God had much more for me than I thought, or realized, till after I came home. I got to do some reconciliation and God actually spoke through me and my silly little way of being honest to another friend about maintaining friendships and how important some are. I had *no idea* that was gonna happen...until I had an email waiting for me when I arrived home yesterday. Blow my mind, man. But yeah--it was really hard for me to leave, and all the attacks and stress I had before my trip really make sense now--I'm not sure Satan wanted me to go...but I got there and God prevailed. Then again...He always does.
I'm really feeling restless right now. Perhaps it's just getting back from a week on "Holiday" or maybe it's not. Maybe it's something deeper. I really don't know. All I know is that I can't let go of God's promises. That's really speaking strongly to me right now. Being out of my routine for a week makes me not want to dive back into it...but I know my fulltime job awaits me in a mere two week's time...and hence, routine will start. It's funny how God shakes you out of the same ol' same ol' right at the last minute...when it's crucial that you step out onto that curb of change. And as the cars go whizzing by, you know it's time to cross the street. (and God knows i crossed a lot of them while in England!)
And as I step out, I take a deep breath knowing that on the other side are more promises waiting to be poured out, more dreams waiting to be fulfilled, and more miracles waiting to happen.
There's much more to come.
welcome to the 11 o'clock news. here are today's...er..this month's headlines....
i am still currently convincing myself to set aside time to redo this website. but frankly, i just haven't felt like it. i have started updating my online journal thingie a little more frequently, though. so you can check that out for some entertainment if you're really bored. ; )
in other news this evening, i am currently waitressing my butt off and getting involved in lots of drama, which i don't need. but it's 50 times better than last summer. last summer it was like walking into a soap opera every night. i really am hoping to build some sort of relationships with validity from the inn. there's some new people working there and i know God's got me there to build relationships. and through that, infiltrate His love and mercy.
i'm trying to focus on my guitar and musicianship skills as well, but boy--this summer has so far deemed busier than i ever planned. isn't it always the way it is? and everyone assumes i have all the time in the world. bah. my guitar student that i teach comes consistently late every week, because his mom just assumes that i have nothing else to do. and this week she even forgot to pay me. : P i love people who assume. aaarrrrrgh.
other than that, i am planning a trip down to Six Flags in a couple weeks with a bunch of people, then going to England (did i mention that yet?!) and then going to see my best friend in the whole wide world, my brother, in D.C. i'm psyched for August to come. at the same time, i'm a bit freaked out, because after August comes September and that means....a *new* job. hooray and eek! at the same time! i haven't had a consistent day job in about 2 years. but who knows what the future holds. all i know is that the door opened and i'm gonna step in, as uncomfortable and unreal as it seems.
there will be more updates to come! stay tuned...
a week and a half more of school and i am DONE. woohoo! i think i will miss the kids the most. hopefully, i'll still be able to see them around town and stuff. i decided to take a leap of faith and jump into a new job. God totally opened up the door very, very wide for a huge opportunity to be a preschool teacher next year. i am so excited! it was a really hard decision, but i made it and the more time that goes by, the more confirmation i have in my spirit that this was right. i can't wait to see what God does and i love a new challenge. : )
currently, my brother is home on leave from the Army this week. it hasn't really sunken in that he is here, because it seems so normal...that he almost never left. he just graduated from Airborne School last Friday, where he learned to jump out of planes. yeehaw. : ) my brother rocks. after this, he'll head to Fort Myer, VA to be stationed there for awhile.
i had a really cool opportunity come up to teach kids guitar as part of an after-school program for the last 6 weeks or so of school. i have 2 groups and it's been quite a challenge, but quite fun to get the kids to play. they all wanna become rock stars...hehe.
it's finally turning into summer here, but it's been raining so much that i haven't quite made the transition to wearing shorts, yet. : P i hope it comes soon...
anyway, that's it for now. i've *gotta* update this website at some point. it needs a severe make-over...but i guess only time will tell if that'll actually happen. ; )
i wanna heal, i wanna feel
like i'm close to something real
i want to find something i've wanted all along
somewhere i belong
Linkin Park - "Somewhere I Belong"
hey all. i haven't really done anything to this site in awhile, but maybe people still visit from time to time...so i'll write really quick.
my brother left for the army on Jan. 3, 2003. my family and i write him letters every week. he's currently in Military Police training and made it through boot camp! : ) i knew he would. and most likely, he will be headed to the Persian Gulf somewhere by summer time. he graduates in early May and i cannot wait to see him. and he'll get some time after his airborne training to come back home for almost 2 weeks. i am so proud of him. and that is an understatement. not to mention how proud of my country i am right now. this whole war thing has really opened up my eyes to a lot. ironically, (or not) the devil has been doing his share of spiritual attacks as well. it's an all out battle all around...but it's okay because we all know Who wins in the end.
that said, the protesters i see in and around my town, and those on the TV really piss me off. alright, so some of them are still "supporting the troops" but whatever. get over it already--we're at war and it's not gonna end just because you're protesting. half the protesters rallying for peace are causing bad disruption in the process. anyway...enough said.
i took about 4 weeks of voice lessons, which were awesome! i've never had a voice lesson in my life so it was a new experience. i took them just so i could learn to sing without killing my voice. it was really refreshing after a few weeks of lessons to sing and not have my voice get tired. : )
i'm currently in limbo as to whether i'm staying on as a paraprofessional for next year at school. i am considering staying, but i don't know yet. it's another one of those big decisions. you have to sign a contract for the whole year so it's not like i can quit half-way through. there were a few really rough months at the beginning of this year, but it's gotten better lately. i guess it's all part of the job--some days are extremely rewarding and others are pure hell. but i've been bringing my guitar to school and the glow on the kids faces as they sing with me are just something i'll never forget.
at the end of this summer, i'll most likely be flying over to England for my friend's wedding. i'm a bit excited but it's also a bit scary with this whole war thing going on--who knows...i could end up not going. i'll leave that up to the Big Man though...nothing i can do about it.
i just bought Linkin Park's new album Meteora yesterday and it kicks butt. go out and get it if you haven't!
God's been doing a lot of things with our church. i've said that a lot before but i don't think you have any idea until you've been through all the stuff we have. he's continually challenging us and drawing us into the faith realm. in the physical, i feel like there's not much left to hold on to. i don't want to get into it, because it's a long story. but it's really hard to trust Him sometimes when outwardly "we are wasting away" as it says in Corinthians (i think?) somewhere. but inwardly, we are renewed DAY by DAY. and so He quietly keeps whispering to us to "fix our eyes on Jesus" and "trust in the Lord with all your heart". so here we are.
i think that's it for now. oh! another awesome band is Evanescence...i can't get enough of their cd either.
k...here's another update. hope you like...let me know your thoughts in my guestbook or something. i'd like to know what people think.
Megan signing out. peace.
"I'm With You"
Avril Lavigne
I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
CHORUS
Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm looking for a place
Searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everythigns a mess
And no one likes to be alone
CHORUS
Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Yea yea yea
CHORUS
Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
so...Merry Christmas...Happy Holidays! man, this year has gone by so fast it's crazy...i feel like i've gone through 5 years lifetime in just 1 year. every Christmas seems to be a turning point for me...it's really weird how that happens, but hey--it's all good.
currently, i'm slowly (very slowly) getting over a really stupid cold and fever which has really been annoying. the fever's gone..finally..but now i've got this cough which affects my voice. (i.e. singing). i had to cancel a gig this past weekend and couldn't lead worship at church which was dissapointing. i guess God's got a timing for everything, but i've had a hard time accepting it. hopefully i'll be fully recovered soon! being sick really strips away everything else in my life. there's nothing i can do while i'm stuck sleeping and watching tv for countless hours accept do exactly that. i've had no strength to do anything else. but in the midst of the crappiness of feeling like poo, i have felt the hand of God. for a few nights in a row, while i struggled to sleep, He gave me dreams full of refreshing which were awesome. i think there's a lesson to learn in this, kiddies. in the midst of the bad, exalting God is what it's all about. For He is good. And His love endures forever. Amen.
my family and i are reluctantly counting down the days to when my brother leaves for the Army. i have been trying my hardest not to think about it or dwell on it...which is really not like me. truthfully, though, it's gonna be a change.
another change.
i think God likes to throw changes at me. and not just little ones, like changing the paint on my wall, that don't really effect me...but big ones. big changes that are hurled at me at one-hundred miles an hour. it shakes my world upside down and shakes anything of this world right out of me. and then it's like God wipes His hands and says, "ok...you needed that. but i did it just because i love you." and that's that. it's really a constant thing that i still can't get used to. i've written a lot about changes on here before. the good thing about them is that it brings revelation and truth into my life and it makes me cling to Him some more. i know with this next change coming that i can't sit here in denial...and i will say that my brother leaving is gonna feel like part of me has left. and no--it's not corny by any means--it's truth. but it's all good. because He is good. And His love endures forever.
my college course just ended...i'm not sure of my final grade yet, though. she's still gotta grade our finals, but i'm pretty confident i did well. i'm not sure if it's something i'd want to fully get into--yet. i absolutely loved the course and it gave me even more of a passion for kids. we'll see what happens. my kindergarden job is still going strong. it's been quite a challenge as of late which has gotten me a bit discouraged some days, but overall i'm pressing through because if nothing else, it's teaching me humility and patience--big time.
so ends another year. onto the beginning of a new one. new things to come. and God's going to continue the good work that He's done. Because hey--God is GOOD. And His love endures forever.
Merry Christmas.
November 6, 2002.
this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
today was our first snow day of the season....6 inches baby. our first dusting of snow was a couple weeks ago, which was odd in itself. hopefully it won't be a long winter!
i'm not sure i can put into words all that has been going on here. i have been wrecked, though. in a good way. John Mulinde came a few weeks ago to the area, who is from Uganda and is on the Transformations II video, in case you've seen it. It was awesome. i knew i had to attend the meeting and from the minute he stepped up on the stage and started speaking, tears would just well up in my eyes. at this point, i know why but i can't quite grasp it or put it into words. it's been a lifelong dream of mine to go to africa, which i don't broadcast very much as it's something i hold sacred to my heart. i know God placed the desire in me and i know one day i will go there. so i got wrecked at that meeting. God really stirred up my heart and when i looked in the mirror a few hours later, i visibly looked different. i was just so overcome by the Father's love that i just cried and cried.
now then. for the last three weeks, there have been meetings day after day at a church (although they don't officially call it that) with people seeking Jesus with a whole heck of a lot of passion--more so than i've seen in awhile. and they are still going. it's like God is birthing a new thing here which has made it quite crazy and insane recently. my dad has attended almost all of them and you can visibly tell he is changing by the Holy Spirit. so yes--pastors can get wrecked too! i am seeing it firsthand.
i don't know what God has in store for us here in New England but He hasn't given up on us, that's for sure. i've attended some of the meetings and every single time i walk into the place, i meet with Jesus there. every time. what is there is valid and real that it's hard to go back to normal living. Something (with a capital "S", mind you) is in the air and it ain't just the snow. : ) i've gotten a new revelation of the Mercy of Jesus which i've never quite grasped to the extent i have recently. i've been a christian for....*counts*...13 years and i've never quite grasped the depth and the cost of that great price Jesus paid on the cross for *me*. it's something you can tell and retell, but until God reveals to you personally how much mercy and grace He's paid for you, you can't really know. and so i asked to get that revelation and it became more real to me than i can explain. it also erased the shame and striving i get from trying to act right or behave perfect and then messing up. and it hit me that God doesn't care. He doesn't care how good i am or how bad i am, how i act or what i've done or even what i will do in the future. His mercy extends to the past and through the future. all He cares about is me. and i am again wrecked because of it. and God-willing, i will never go back. if you want a glimpse of this, just ask Him and He'll give you the revelation, too.
as far as regular life is concerned, my brother--one of my bestest friends--will be heading out into the Army on January 3rd. i can't really believe it, but he is following his dream and his passion so we're at peace about it, although i'm gonna miss him very much. he's planning to become an MP (Military Police) and hopefully be stationed in Germany. i knew this a few months ago, but forgot to mention it on the last update.
as far as my paraprofessional job is concerned, it's all in God's hands how long i will be there. i'm kinda scared to even think about it, because it's been quite an awesome learning experience and i almost hate to let go of it. i'm not mentioning anything right now, because it's all still up in the air. but guidance is a good prayer request, i think!! my college course is going strong--i got a 97% on my mid-term which rocked my socks off. i could not believe it! it put all my fears to rest that i've been out of school too long and forgot how to take a test. ; )
i think that's enough of an update for now. i will almost definitely be heading to england next year to see my good friend Jo get married...i'm already excited about it! i hope you all are well who are reading this. if you aren't, claim God's healing power over you! love and Godspeed to each and every one of you.
.stay lit.
I've seen it all
take me away
--lifehouse, "take me away"--
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away
Walking around I hear the earth seeking relief
I�m trying to find a reason to live
But the mindless clutter my path
Oh these thorns in my side
I know I have something free
I have something so alive
I think they shoot �cause they want it
hey guys...yep, it's been awhile. lots of things are happening here and i am keeping really busy...almost too much, actually! i had my first day of kindergarden this week. oh what fun! on the same day i started kindergarden i started college, too. confused? yeah...me too. i moved up from the preschool to the elementary school for my job...still working with the same child. and i've become a teacher's assistant as well. so far, it's been challenging...y-y-y-yikes! but it WILL get better. i know. i also decided spur of the moment to take a college course in early childhood education. plus, i'm still waitressing part-time and playing out at the coffee shop and different churches. *phew*
i'm still running with my vision, in case you were wondering. it really blows me away when people i work and have relationship with come out just to see me play. what the heck. i realize without a doubt it's more than just a guitar and songs. because without the passion God has given me, i'd be nothing. nothing at all. this last time i played, i had a friend join me and we cranked it outside. it was cool to see people kinda slow down as they walked or drove by. one time recently, the little girl i work with came with her mom to the shop and just sat on the floor for an hour watching me--3 feet away. and she never sits that still in school! it was so much fun and i was just extremely touched to see her there. it made me realize i am doing what i am supposed to be doing (for now). i don't wanna say that too loud, because it could change at any moment..haha. but my passion is music and kids...and as much as i try to do just one, i can't. it's really crazy. so yeah--kindergarden is a blast, although i am still missing my kids from preschool! they made me a banner and drew pictures for me before i left, which was so awesome!
oh--i chopped my hair off a few weeks ago...7 inches baby! i just got sick of it and sick of people commenting about it. not that it was a bad thing (to those who _have_ commented) but i think it was becoming my identity. i was planning on cutting it for a few months, but the hair place was booked for months. it didn't hit me that i got so much cut off till i got home and then i freaked out for about 10 minutes. it didn't help that no one was home...so i called my mom and she assured me it was fine. mom's are awesome. : ) i've had it down my back for about 3 years so it felt quite different, that's for sure!
i went last weekend to see **CREED** in NY. ohmygoodnessitwasawesome!! 12 Stones and Jerry Cantrell opened. 12 Stones rocked the house and Jerry...well....he sucked. : ) i've never been so bored at a concert before--at least for that hour he played. but then Creed came on and it made all the waiting worth it. they put on a great show--i was really impressed. and somehow the Big Guy was there in the air...i could sense Him all around, floating in and through the crowd and surfacing the words of the songs. it was almost like a worship service, although i'm sure no one realized it. He really is everywhere. interesting, ain't it?
and this weekend (i.e. tomorrow!), i'm going to yet another concert to see Dashboard Confessional--for free!! i don't know why they're doing it for free, but they are, so bam--i'm there. it should be awesomeawesomeawesome.
God's been speaking to me a lot about reconciliation. last update i mentioned how i'd been struggling with some personal things. a few weeks ago, i approached the person i was having issues with and God totally broke me. i had the strongest feeling to stop by this person's house, and it wouldn't go away. so i drove by their house thinking about stopping...but chickened out. later that night, i drove by again on my way home and without even realizing what i was doing, i drove into this person's driveway. call me crazy, but it didn't even feel like i was driving the car. so i just knocked on their door, talked to them for no more than 5 min. and told them that i forgave them essentially. flat out. and MAN, was God there. i got in my car, drove home, and could not believe that i had just done that. i told my dad as soon as i got in the door and just started crying because it was such a heavy load off my shoulders. the release i felt was unlike anything else i've ever felt. (we're talkin' almost 3 months solid of resentment and whatever else towards this person...it's long enough! much of which i didn't even realize till afterwards.) freedom, baby. it's a great thing. i've learned a huge lesson here. and i am really trying to catch myself before i take offense or have unforgiveness towards anyone...because no matter if you notice it right away or not, it eats and eats away at you...and holds the other person back, even if they know nothing of it. i've also seen a release in this other person's life as well.
freedom--it's a good thing.
so that is essentially my official update. stay tuned for more soon. God Bless you.
-creed, "bullets"-
I�ve got a vision.
Pretty powerful words, eh? In the last month and a half, my life has been shaken. More shaken than I�ve experienced in some time. It�s been a roller coaster of emotions and some inner turmoil. It�s been a time of feeling peace�unrest�more peace�more unrest. And it�s crazy. Without getting too detailed, I began looking for love and acceptance in the wrong places. And I found what I was looking for�to a certain point. Nothing can ever satisfy the love God gives. NOTHING. You see, the world is accepting of all our sin and imperfection, so I found comfort being with people who didn�t notice this in me. I felt the church (not specifically mine, but in general) wouldn�t accept me for who I was and whatever sin I was carrying around. But I realize now that that is where God�s grace comes into play. I wasn�t willing to accept His grace and mercy in my life and just felt a lot of shame and unworthiness. So I turned my heart off for a short little while. It was a whole lot of crap, really�.the enemy threw at me all kinds of confusion and lies�and it was not cool. But God shut it all down�it was as if He snapped His fingers and the unhealthy relationships I was having were cut off. It hurt, but at the exact same time, I knew beyond anything that this was God and actually felt peace�and that He loved me He loved me He loved me�no matter what I was feeling, what things I had done. He loved me.
So I�ve got a vision. And I�ve had one for quite awhile, but the doors just haven�t opened�till now. Satan has tried to steal my dreams and visions away�and I thought maybe God just wasn�t speaking to me as strongly about these dreams anymore. But I was wrong. Part of my vision has been to �take it to the streets�. To take the Holy Spirit�s anointing outside the church. His heart is there and man, does He show UP when you take it outside. I�ve been mentioning about playing out with my guitar in different places off and on through this site in the last year. And I�ve been checking out open mic nights in various places outside our town, wanting to play somewhere like this. But I just didn�t feel like I should�something didn�t fit. And all of a sudden, this opportunity opened up in my own town and it was like the key that fit into the lock perfectly. I happened to know the owner of this coffee shop in town�and he�s just started to be open later on the weekends�and do open mic. He had seen me play at a Talent Show earlier on in the year and asked me to play at his shop! I was so psyched and I knew that this was what I had been waiting and praying for. I�ve only done it once so far, but I will be doing it some more. God�s opened the door so here I go.
There have been other outpourings of His revelation throughout the past month. In the middle of a place where I�ve been broken and feeling like I�m not making a difference, God has been showing me that I have been impacting people. Various people have randomly come up to me from my work place, telling me how I make such an impact--interested in the church�.interested in either hearing me play or playing with me. It really truly blows me away. That�s the only phrase I can think of. He'll shine His light if we're willing. And when He does, watch out.
I�ve been up to Canada a few times in the last month. Once to see one of my best friends in Toronto, which totally rocked! I got to lead worship there and just got totally refreshed and pigged out on junk food�like you�re supposed to do on vacation. And then I just came back from Quebec attending the last leg of the Tabernacle Tour. It was awesome. God is doing amazing things. He is linking people together through relationship and pouring out His spirit in dramatic and unbelievable ways. I know this is only the beginning, but His spirit is moving. In the last month, I�ve run into a lot of things, but knowing that He was faithful to me in the midst of it all was astounding. I also know that no matter where I try to go, the only place where I�ll be at perfect peace is in God�s hands. The amount of unrest I�ve experienced isn�t worth the sacrifice of giving it all up to live like the world. There is no other peace. No other love.
I�m not sure where God�s taking me from here. (I feel kinda like Neo from the Matrix.) All I know is that it�s time to run into this with all I�ve got. I can�t stay in the mediocre. It�s just not me�and as much as I try for it to be me, it�s just not. This past weekend, I met some extreme freaks for God and so to see others out there like that makes me want to live on the edge even more. Yeah, I am living the abnormal lifestyle. But nothing compares to it. Nothing.
these are the same verses but from the Message translation...
"The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash�along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant�dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced my him." -phil. 3:7-9
hey everyone....
this is just a quick little note to say i am still alive and around. i just haven't had much time to spit out an update recently. basically i feel as if i've been through hell and back again...and i'm still discovering what it's like to have Jesus through the midst of all the crap that gets hurled in my direction. it's amazing how constant and unconditional His love is. it astounds me. it makes me feel unworthy to even recieve so much of it. but He whispers over and over again that i am worthy to recieve all He has for me...and so much more. as soon as i've got time, i will get into a bit more detail about all the things that have been happening. all i can say is, God is GOOD.
more later....
"rest"
all these mixed up emotions
i am loving my job working with my little girl with Down's. i am learning continually how to love in a way i haven't learned before. it has been tough, but i am so blown away at the blessings that have come flying at me as a result of sticking with this. i can really say i love what i do. i know the Big Guy has had a lot to do with it! i've decided to continue working with her through the summer and onto kindergarden next year. kindergarden-! it's kinda funny because we went to visit the elementary school and it was like going back in time...not to mention that my P.E. teacher remembered my name! crazy. i'm still working at the inn part time and constantly trying to escape from what the world throws at me aaalll the time. but it's good. because HE is good. and faithful and true.
in a month, i'm going to see one of my best best friends Louise in oh Canada!! i am psyched and have been for like two months. other news...i just turned 22..and i hafta say it was probably one the best birthdays i've had in awhile. i have never experienced God pouring out blessing upon blessing through other people like He did this week. holy cow. um...what else? i played at the salt box cafe again about a month ago with firewater. that was fun. and speaking of which, they are in the process of changing their name--there is actually another firewater in NY! please say a prayer for them if you think of it.
okay..so that is my big update for the year. stay tuned because there always is more. i'll leave you with this quote i found:
"To be silent is to be broken. The eagerness to speak sometimes hints of a life that has not entered the deeper sorrows, the agony of a world that isn�t heaven. Guarding ourselves from these dark corners, we rush forward, running after the reality we have created to numb us from ourselves. We find, though, that we are also numbed to the Lover of our soul. He invites us to �be still and know He is God.� But we can�t risk that. To be still is to be quiet. To be quiet is to hear our heart. To hear our heart is to know all is not well. And that is far too dangerous. Better to simply enjoy the noise.
God waits in the quiet. His invitation woos us from the place we call safety � but isn�t. Be brave. Enter the silence. God will meet you there." (ARTICLE FROM: �the silence of the song��.relevant magazine)
.stay lit.
"pure white"
no fear is welcome here
Jesus draw me near
.stay lit.
let it be noted that i have officially gotten my first sunburn of the year 2002. yowzahs! i thought it'd be a nice day to sit outside and catch up writing in my journal, and my my...the sun was hotter and stronger than i thought it would be. i've got a red face. : ) but hey, it'll be tan very soon.
you remember the friend i had to say goodbye to last month? well, he came back about a week later...which was a real shocker for us all! things didn't quite work out as planned, i guess. funny thing is, that was one of the few times i've actually accepted the fact he had to leave...and then he came back! whatevah. : P it's all good, though.
my dad and i will be heading up to the Salt Box Cafe again next weekend (April 20). i am extremely excited. God's been giving me new songs and i think He unleashed some new creativity with me that i didn't know was there. it's insane what's coming out in song--both vocally and musically. i love it i love it i love it.
other things going on in the past month....? to add to the creativity thing, i've been feeling for awhile that the Holy Spirit speaks a lot through art. and though i don't call myself an "artist", i stepped out on faith and bought some oil pastels. and wow--they're so fun! i do draw on occasion, but this was unlike anything i've ever done before. God was faithful and gave me things to draw with the pastels. i've also been wanting a Djembe for awhile now and just recently ordered one....i can't wait to get it. He is so faithful to giving us the tools we need to express our unabounding passion for Him. what a trip.
so really this whole month has been about giving up things and getting bigger and better things. i'm continually recieving more revelation on His love. i'm not sure i'll ever get a grasp of it, really. once i think i've figured things out, suddenly everything is a confusing mess and God shows me i don't know everything--but He does. i don't have much else to say other than that...but i'll leave you with this verse:
"Oh love me--and right now!--hold me tight! just the way you promised.
.stay lit.
well i just returned from saying goodbye to one of my closest friends here in woodstock. he's moving back to MA after a year of being here. goodbye goodbye goodbye. when will saying that word not hurt? maybe i'm just being selfish, but it seems like i deal with this goodbye stuff so often--more often than a lot of people i know--at least if they are dealing with it, i don't hear about it. i keep telling myself there must be some purpose in it all. i'm not sure what, but it's gotta be something.
i've been sick since friday with no voice, a fever..and everything in between. i went to work today for the first time this week and came home exhausted...only to leave again to spend some time with my friend before he left. 5 hours chillin'. i actually don't feel too tired at the mo', but it's probably the french vanilla cappucino i drank. sucky.
all these emotions are stirring within me all at once. it's like a big churning tidal wave that never crashes onto the shore. churning...upturning...reaching full max.........no crash. my spirit has totally been upturned once again. i watched a 2 hour special the other night about 2 french guys who did a documentary on a firefighter, and ended up filming most of the events of 9/11...including inside WTC Tower 1. it was horrible and moving and i still cannot believe it happened. but as a result, something has changed in America and i have never been prouder to be here. another thing that's stirring is this total letting go of those i love...like my buddy that has just moved. that wrecks me. but at the same time there is this other stirring that is called Hope. hope that God is moving here...because there is no doubt in my mind that He is. God is opening up doors even at the present moment for His glory and light to shine in. last night i read an awesome awesome article called "Following Jesus to the Party" which has just reinforced my thoughts and feelings on going to secular parties...hanging out with people who smoke weed and get absolutely trashed. i highly recommend it. (i mean the article....go to the parties only if the Holy Spirit is telling you to.) i've been to a lot of parties in the last year. i went to one not too long ago and got gripped with fear and disgust at what was going on. that hasn't happened to me in awhile at parties. but God is speaking volumes to me about this and i know He's called some of us to be there...and i am so excited others are out there feeling the same thing.
God is stirring the waters.
sometimes i pace around the house or my room just going crazy to let out the feelings i feel. sometimes i just can't put it into words...or even music. and right now is one of those times. i just am in a place of a stirring and a rumbling. He's shaking the foundation and He's making the waters boil with a passion like i haven't seen before....and a lot of the passion i am seeing isn't necessarily in the church. He's everywhere. i am so excited to be in this place at this time...i have never felt so secure, even though everything seems to be moving around me. don't be afraid to let God steer your boat into the treacherous waters. it's a place where you don't have to fear anything, even though fear wants to wrap it's tight claws around you. the world is hurting and crying out. they may not be crying out the way you or i expect them to, but they are. ask God to help you hear their desperate cries for acceptance, security and peace. there's no greater thing in this world than to minister to the lowliest of lowlies...it's His heart. God is truely Blessing America.
incredible.
that about sums up the last month. God is moving and there ain't no stopping Him, either. He is moving here, He is moving in the arts, pop culture, the grocery store...everywhere.
february 9-my dad and i headed up to The Salt Box Cafe where we played. i had no idea what to expect, but it was so free in there and so inspiring to see a place that i've only dreamed of seeing. i've had dreams to start a coffee house here and to see it in full bloom was awesome. last fall, maybe about 30 kids showed up on a Saturday night. now, they are seeing 70-100 every week. i just showed up with my songs and expected God to move through them...and i know He did in some way.
since playing out over the summer, i've been addicted to it. by playing out, i mean outside the four walls of the church. it's so fun to see the Holy Spirit move in every day places through music. i cannot tell you how obsessed i am with it..it's so fun! this past Thursday (february 28), i played in the first annual Talent Show at the inn. going into the thing, i knew i would be winning something....and it wasn't a prideful kind of knowing, but God had spoken it. some said i'd win first, but i had originally just entered to spread some anointing around and show everyone i wasn't just all talk--i actually do play guitar. so to make a long story short, i pretty much nailed the song and i have never got so much applause before! during the intermission after my song, i got so many compliments that it was almost too much. as soon as i started playing, i felt God starting to move....and He still hasn't stopped. i ended up winning second place, but it was only because the voting was based on the amount of applause--not talent. i lost to some older guy who's guitar was out of tune. it was humbling for me, but i still left knowing i had won something. the next day, all i kept hearing from employees was that i should've won and how they were going to talk to the judges and stuff. and the following day, i worked an 8 hour shift at the inn and that was all everyone talked about--they were more upset that i didn't win than i was! something is stirring there and i am so excited. i know it's not me and it's definitely not my singing or playing. i'm no professional. but God answered my prayer and it hasn't stopped. that is simply amazing to me.
this past weekend was another mind blower. we had Dan Goddard down from Quebec, Canada to speak and minister at our church. i'm not going to get into detail, but our core group of leadership got tremendously healed and set free from all kinds of crap and God just keeps on refining and uniting us. something's about to break....i can feel it.
to sum up things, that Talent Show is what really stirred me up this week...and what God did over the weekend just increased it. i know God's call on me is huge and all i've done is given him all i have...and amazingly enough, He's using it! funny how just giving Him what you have can be used to bring His presence and power in such a huge way....maybe not in the way we expect, but that's why He's God and not us. : )
.stay lit.
so the other day, i was at the sports center. they always have CNN playing on the tv's there (extremely boring) and i usually ignore it. but as i was about to do a set of sit-ups, i heard someone say "The Dell Guy" and i immediately stopped what i was doing and turned up the tv. for those of you that know me pretty well, you'll recall how i have a bit of an obsession with Steven from the Dell commercials. so i was delighted when they interviewed "Steven" on CNN! it turns out he's 21 and goes to school in NYC studying acting...he's originally from Tennessee. well, i thought i had a little obsession until i observed all the girls running up to him asking him for pictures, hugs, etc. and then i found these fan sites online--yikes! so for those of you that thought i was a bit nutty, you should check these out. heehee. crack me up.
The CNN story
in other news, my new job is going well. i reeeally like it a lot. it's challenging, but lately i really enjoy challenges. i used to hate them. kids rock.
my dad and i are headed up to The Salt Box Cafe this coming weekend (the 9th) to play. i have no idea what to expect, but that's alright. sometimes it's better that way. just pray that i hear what God wants to do there.
what has been growing on me more and more is a sense of really good music. i'm not just talking about stuff that sounds cool, but quality music. the song of the week has been "Nice to Know You" by Incubus. i know they're not Christian, but i kept hearing the song, and it grew on me. i didn't know if i wanted it to, but one day i was sitting watching the video and i realized that these guys are really talented! maybe you knew that. i knew it, but hadn't realized it to it's fullest capacity. and then i found myself wanting to be as good as them and have the openess to do all sorts of different things musically. i think sometimes we get stuck in the familiar way of carrying out things--be it music or whatever. i'm sick of being in the familiar. with changing jobs recently (both jobs, realistically) it's left me in a place of uneasiness, but also a place full of mystery and excitement of what is to come. shouldn't we always be in that place? constantly looking for new ways to do things...to live. to live is the greatest adventure. and God delights in us enjoying our time here. He delights in blessing us and carrying us onto new and deeper things. i think it's really exciting to look back on even 6 months ago and see how much God has taught me and carried me through. growing hurts, but it's gotta happen. God make us unfamiliar with everything around us. i don't want to be stuck doing things the same way. that's how religion started. people got used to worshipping God all the same, interpreting the Bible the same way; putting it all into a nice neat box. and then the Holy Spirit came along and said, "hey guys! i created you all different. you are a diverse generation, full of unique and individual gifts and dreams. use them!" and suddenly people realized that passion was created for a reason. creativity was created for a reason. to be used and offered back up to God in the most awesome and unimaginable ways possible. i think that's my goal for this year. i normally don't do the yearly goal thing, but i think it's something God has laid on my heart. i pray that God reminds me everytime i get stuck and that He pushes me out of the comfortable and into the uneasiness, doubt, mystery, and destiny that He created me for. and i pray He does the same with you.
never will i say again how i "am so tired". i did not know the meaning of the word until working 10 hours a day, 6 days a week for the last two weeks. no exaggerations...i promise. i hope i never have to work another christmas again. the good thing that came out of it was that it brought my focus clearer to what's really important about this special season. but i seriously have never been so physically exhausted in my life.
onto bigger and better things...!
i hope you all had a great holiday and i really pray God carries you all into deeper things in this coming year. i know for a fact He will if we let him. at the moment, i feel quite safe even though i feel like i'm walking around in a fog. my future, so to speak, is on the line...switching jobs...yes? no? all depending on whether i get another job could make or break me. that's not really the term i wanted, seeing either way, i trust with all i've got because God's got it all under control. i'm trusting that whatever happens, it's where He wants me.
firewater's coming down this weekend...hooray! we're having a conference at church with a couple speakers and they're playing. i cannot wait. it's like seeing my cousins again or something, even though we're not related at all. my dad and i have our first official "gig" together in february at a coffee house, which firewater hooked us up with. that should be awesome, too. : )
i said goodbye to one of my south african friends this weekend. that was sorta sad because he was a real encouragement to us (and me) here. i'm not sure he realized it as much as we did though. someday i'll be going to south africa.....after i stop by in England, of course..!
so that's pretty much a summarization of my last month. it's been full of frustration and full of hope too. how crazy is that? well, God is pretty crazy. i'm all for it.
January 20, 2002.
so last weekend was an absolute blast. i found out on Friday that i got the job! i didn't get my hopes up too much, because that happened once before with a job i applied for and i was crushed when i didn't get it. but with this one, i told God that i would be fine with whatever it turned out to be, because i trust that He's got it all in His hands. i also hinted that it'd be really cool if i got the job...and i did. : )
okay okay...so you're probably wondering what the job is. i'll be working in a pre-school in town as an individual aid with a little 4 yr old girl who has Down's Syndrome. i met her last week and she is awesome. it's only 4 hours in the morning, so i will stay on part-time at the inn working nights. to top it all off, i was surprised to find out i am actually getting real benefits for this job! i couldn't believe it seeing i have put up a HUGE fight at the inn regarding not getting benefits. (long story.) so...this is where i'm at. i am extremely excited-i start this week working at the pre-school. i'm not exactly sure where God is taking me, but i feel sure that He is definitely the Big Guy-not me. be blessed, guys--and stay lit. He is a consuming fire.
p.s. Firewater is coming out with a new cd, which totally ROCKS. (i'm very proud of them!) they've got some mp3's on the net, so check 'em out.
Hey all I want is what�s real
Something I touch and can feel
I�ll hold it close and never let it go
Said why... why do we live life
With all this hate inside
I�ll give it away 'cause I don't want it no more
Please help me find a place
Somewhere far away I'll go and you�ll never see me again
July 14, 2002.
Bastille Day.
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him..." -phil. 3:7-9
July 5, 2002.
May 25, 2002.
copyright 2002 megan pate
all these pent up feelings
who will let them out?
who has the key?
i search i crawl i kneel i fall
there's nothing here
nothing at all
till suddenly a gush of air of life
whips up from the ground
spins me round and round
breathes in
out again
fills up my lungs
fresh air fresh wind fresh fire
then all these feelings emotions fears
come out
broken
here i stand
yet i am full of life
i take His hand
no more fear
no more strife
'rest'
the wind whispers
rest.
....i just typed out this poem as i was about to do an update to this news section. seems God is speaking a lot about resting in Him lately. i'm not sure really what it means to experience God's rest. but i am willing to learn. i thought i knew...until this last weekend. we had a conference at church and my whole way of thinking shifted and now i'm seeing things a bit differently than before. whenever you think you've been taken into the deepest places with the Holy Spirit, that's when He comes along and shows you that you haven't even touched the deeper places He wants you to go. but you can't go there with your fears and your hidden sin or your burdens. you've gotta let it all go...confess it...and recieve His mercy. and that's the moment He brings you into a deeper intimacy and a deeper revelation of His passion and love for you. it amazes me and scares me. so i am in that in between place of letting go of my crap and clinging onto His hand. and i think that's where this poem is coming from. but whatever you get out of this is cool...the Holy Spirit speaks in many different ways.
April 23, 2002.
copyright 2002 by megan pate
you've gotta go
i'm sick and tired
of dealing with you
words
words
words
passion is exploding from these words
i don't know how to express
......ME......
who am i?
my security
liability
trust
confidence
is in You.
i don't care - or do i?
i wanna be a freak
i'm sick of being afraid
you were a freak and i wanna be like you
what do i really have to lose?
......what.?!......
aaaargh..my heart beats such expression
help me put it in words
i've gotta let the beat out
out let it out
of it's cage of fear and insecurity
be yourself don't be afraid
i am made
100% pure white.
April 12, 2002.
Now comfort me, so I can live, really live;
your revelation is the tune i dance to."
Psalm 119:76-77 (The Message)
March 12, 2002.
March 4, 2002.
.peace.
p.s. did anyone see Mary J. Blige's performance of "No More Drama" on the Grammy's? WOW. God's moving through the music, baby.
February 2, 2002.
Ben Curtis
The First Ben Curtis Fan Site
�We are so utterly ordinary, so commonplace, while we profess to know a power that the [21st] century does not reckon with. But we are spiritual pacifists, non-militant, conscientious objectors in this battle to the death with principalities and powers in high places� We are content to sit by and leave the enemies of God unchallenged. The world cannot hate us, we are too much like its own. Oh that God would make us dangerous.� (The diary of student Jim Elliot, martyr)
i originally wrote this on Jan. 9, 2002, but i could not update my website. since then, there have been some more changes, but i've left this update untouched with another update below this...
beam me h o m e Scotty
