A R C H I V E S
2004 to 2005

this has been quite the month. i just realized it today while i was looking at my calendar at school. amazingly, it flew by more so than usual. it started with my parents getting back from their month away and has ended with one amazing trip to toronto.

so. 2 weeks ago we went to Rhode Island and it was my first time ministering in about 6 months. God kind of set me up and i ended up probably recieving more than giving. i went through some really deep healing...i don't think i was aware of how much pain i had till it all came pouring out in one of the afternoon sessions. the freedom i tasted later that day was crazy fun.

and then, 3 days after i got back from RI, i was heading to Toronto for 6 days. so much happened that i've gotta let it catch up to me before i write anything about it on here--if i do. i've gotta write it all down in my journal first off and i'm waaaay behind! God continued to really minister to my heart there during fresh wind. i probably wouldn't have been ready to recieve much if i hadn't gone through deep healing in RI first. i was snotted half the time, i think....just completely overwhelmed with his love. it just melts me and i can't help but cry. it's always been like that for me. i stayed at my friend louise's house for a few days after and just completely chilled out. i actually truly rested for the first time in probably 6 months. before toronto, even if i had nothing to do i was still not at peace and always restless in some way, always thinking or whatever. and to think i would've passed all that by for one night to see a band play. the Father definitely knows what i need more than i ever will--He knows what my spirit truly seeks and always has got my hand in His...no matter if i feel it or not. i went to canada not knowing why i was even going, but i stepped out pretty blindly and decided to go anyway. it's like when we step out, having no idea what's to come, he totally blesses that and his faithfulness exceeds whatever doubt we ever had. it was also awesome to see some friends i haven't seen in awhile and make some new ones. i've felt starved of so much so it was like walking into a feast, in so many ways. good stuff.

just a quick little up-to-date thingamajig for you. sooo. i got the urge to do another listy type thing, hence the new link on the index page. i just kinda sat at the comp at typed it all up. i'm not sure if i'll leave it up longterm yet, though. it's just more of what's pouring out of me at the mo', and it's a bit different from the other one. so read on and perhaps you'll be enlightened! it was more for my benefit than anyones, but i thought i'd put it up anyway.

other news...
Rhode Izland (as i like to call it) is in a few days. we're going down to minister to the peeps down there and i am quite looking forward to it. a group of us went down last year and God moved in some pretty cool ways, so i'm interested to see what goes down.

and THEN the following week, i leave for....*drum roll*....Toronto! i was ready to pack weeks ago and i am soo psyched for it. it's been a couple years since i've been and i'm sure it'll be good. not to mention i get to see some really awesome peeps i haven't seen in awhile. and i get to FLY, which i absolutely love to do. w00t.

my bro leaves this sunday for special forces training, so say a prayer for him if you think of it. if he gets through, it could alter his entire military career--intense stuff.

that's it for the mo'...i have gotsta get to bed!

Jeremy Camp - Restored

All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for this answer that only will be found in your love
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice that's shown my purpose in this world

CHORUS:
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me

I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne
Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice thats shown my purpose in this world.

(Chorus)

Laying all these questions down you've answered what I need
You've given more than I deserve your making me complete
You give me all these open doors I'm humbled at your feet
To show me what you've done for me.

(Chorus)

All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know.

and at the end, i was drained so i stopped cleaning for the day.

once again, though, i realized where a lot of my past pain has come from. one more thing to work through...but at least i'm finding the root of it all.

so i'm in the process of cleaning through my room as well as cleaning through my heart. two huge things that i think is merely preparation for what's next. it's weird because as i clean through my room, i come across stuff that is in relation to what God's doing in my heart. it's kind of freaky how it is so prophetically aligned.

my parents are mentally preparing for their month long trip to South Carolina. and in 2 weeks, they will be physically preparing. i know without a doubt that this month at this Leadership school is gonna launch them in ways they've probably never imagined. things are going to change more. and i don't say that lightly or even talk about it much...but i know deep in my heart that it's true. i also know somehow that the month away is not just for them...but it's for me as well. i'm not sure what is gonna happen beyond that.

i feel like i've lost a lot of my self-worth in the past few months...as well as lost almost everything else. satan has dug a lot of doubt and pain into my heart and so i feel just recently i'm slowly climbing out of it. it's really hard to manage normal relationships with people when i'm dealing with so much crap. i feel like i haven't handled it well and maybe caused damage with some things. all i can do now is embrace what is happening and learn that it's not in God's heart to leave me here with nothing. ...as tears roll down my face for probably the millionth time--an all too familiar occurance.

so as i continue on, i realize it's not all about me but that i can't push the wounds aside any longer. it's time to get them dealt with and healed up for good. Jeremy Camp's song "Restored" has been on repeat in my car for about a week now. it's my theme song for the moment, as God continues to slowly put me back together.

lately, every cd i buy relates to what i'm going through...so much so that it scares me. i just bought Good Charlotte's newest and a TON of it is so applicable to me right now. it's almost like a musical journey of the past 4 months of my life. holy spotted sheep.

i'm standing on the edge of everything i wanted now i was afraid/maybe i'm just scared to face the things i fear/it's easier to walk away from everything/seperate my soul with all the things we shared/i'm falling to pieces/say a prayer for me

i might just write down a timeline of all the things i've gone through since...august. it's really insane, to say the least. i know that God'll use it in the future for ways i don't even know...maybe even to bring healing to others. i don't know. it started in a place where i fought against opening up myself to a deeper intimacy...to dealing with past hurts...to facing my fears--sometimes so intense and dark that it hurled me into a depressive state...to having everything that i had security in being taken right away...which made me feel a sense of huge loss and pain.

is anybody listening? can you hear me when i call? shooting signals in the air, cuz i need somebody's help/i can't make it on my own so i'm giving up myself/i'm stuck in my own head and i'm miles away/would anybody notice if i left this place?/looking at myself tonight, wondering if i'll survive/i had high hopes for my life back when i was still alive/..i'm so scared drowning now reaching out holding onto everything i know crying out, dying now, need some help

i know it's not over yet. i know God is still walking me through it all. i know i'm in a place like a desert or valley where there's nothing concrete left for me to hold onto...except to step into a place of sonship with the Father. it's something that's not too easy for me to do--to realize i've got a Dad that's never gonna let anything bad happen to me. i've felt kind of betrayed in a way, so i'm carefully and gingerly stepping back into that place of trust. i've gotta close these doors on the past before i'm able to walk into my future--into my promised land. the sense of loss has made me feel like i've lost my sense of direction...my vision...my destiny. it's hard to see anything at the moment, but i know it can't end like this. it's not going to.

all these dreams and all these plans i built them all with these two hands...everything i've realized my dreams and through it all i was lost but i found my way/tell me what you want cuz i will give you everything/ tell me what you need and i'll go get it/so tell me what you want cuz i will give you everything and i'd forget it/i wasn't on a mountain when it came to me/years go by and nothing's slowing down the time/years go by and then they're wasted/all this time i thought that i gained everything/ ...i wasn't on a mountain when it came to me

it's amazing how when you feel like you're totally at your breaking point, God sends some relief. i've lived that a lot recently...surprising me every time. i've gotten to go places as kind of a retreat temporarily from the crap, which has been extremely helpful. i know that nothing is gonna heal the pain until i confront it, though. everything else is just a temporary band-aid.

and i'll rip out my insides/and leave them on display for you tonight/nobody wants to stand up to the pain/but i will stand up to the pain/wake up and fight again/if you could dance with me through the rain

in some ways i feel like i'm starting over with a clean slate--or i'm getting to the place where i WILL be starting over. it's a process...i know that much. it's left me with numerous questions, doubts, and uncertainties. being shot out of everything that was solid and comfortable has made me really seek out what i truly believe...

my faith is shaken now like it's never been before/when i call, you don't come/i don't know what i should do/i've never felt so insecure/and now i don't know where i'm going in my life/i'm not so sure/i don't want to give this up, i won't...

but in it all, i really think it's good. [and i flinch as i say that..] i feel like i'm being cleaned out. as hard as it is, as painful, and as much as i can't explain any of it to anyone...i know it's for a reason. some reason. it's forced me to step out of all i knew into the new. my life hasn't been ordinary yet...why should it start now?

i just wanna live/don't really care about the things that they say/don't really care what happens to me/i just wanna live

________

songs: [walk away] [s.o.s.] [mountain] [secrets] [it wasn't enough] [i just wanna live] copyright 2004 Good Charlotte

November 20, 2004.

It's been a few months since the last update so I thought I'd key you in on some stuff that's happening here...

To sum it all up, it's been an extremely hard couple of months. Some of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, actually. In it all, I've found a friendship I never could have imagined...but the process of really trusting and letting go has been hard. Lately, I've been feeling so empty--in a way I've never felt before. The things I am dealing with go far deeper than I've probably described to anyone...I hardly grasp it myself. I plummetted down into a really lonely place a week ago...so much so that I sent out an email asking a few people to just pray for me. I never do that. I've got no more answers for anything...I just need people to listen while I talk it out. Hopefully those people who have been listening have not become burnt out by it...or me. That's my biggest fear. I've found I don't need answers...I'm just really yearning to be loved securely.

Stuff is being shaken all around me--everything. Our church is about to be put on the market. My dad's thinking of resigning as pastor...but that's just pastor to the local church, not necessarily resigning all together. Since we've taken a break from Sunday morning services, some have just abandoned support of this ministry here. My friendships are being tested. My character is being refined. I'm trying to close myself off from any more deep friendships because the pain is so much...but God's trying to show me that's not the idea. I haven't led worship in a month--let alone played much guitar-- and I've got no idea where my life is headed. I haven't been this clueless since the end of SoM. It's a really scary place to be most of the time. Some days I see no hope at all. I can't even describe it to you. Because of all the stuff God is stirring up, I tend to look back on the past--even 3 months ago--and compare it to now. Obviously things will not stay the same forever, and I've found comparing the 'then' and the 'now' is even painful...yet I still find myself doing it. I'm just a really aware person--especially when things change...be it little things or big ones.

I've lived a life of not settling...of wanting the best destiny God has for me. I've refused to sell my birthright for a bowl of soup--the satisfaction of the present. And because of that, really good friendships have grown apart or ended. Some of them were only for a season, I think...and then there are some I've wondered if they hadn't settled for second best where our friendship would be now. It literally scares the shiznit out of me and right now, because not settling has brought pain, I wonder some days if I should continue. These are all thoughts I've got going through my head on a daily basis. As I told my mom some of it last night, she said if she thought like that, she'd be a basketcase. Ummm...yeah. I think maybe some are starting to see things are really not okay with Megan right now...and that I'm not just talking about it for the sake of talking about it. The things I go through each day are stirred up so much, they're right underneath the surface. As a result, I don't hide it at all. I even cried in the restaurant last night as I was talking about some of the stuff. My heart actually physically hurts some days.

In the process of all this, I tend to worry that all these issues are clouding who I really am. And that people will stop loving me or stop looking to me for support or seeing me as a strong person or think this is who the real Megan is. And I feel before all these things got stirred up, I was looked at differently. I know a lot of what I think is just the enemy distorting the truth, but it's hard to see beyond it some days. I just really need to hear the truth a lot lately.

So this is not Megan feeling sorry for herself. I know the difference. This is me being honest for where I am and what I'm going through. There's no resolution to it yet...but I know eventually I'll walk out of this place and into a new one. It's just hanging on for dear life in the process of it all right now...

Please hang on with me.

breakaway.

so this is what i want:
to learn to skateboard
to conquer my running skills. i'm getting there.
to skydive. and i will.
to do things i've only dreamed of doing. i'm so tired of waiting on the sidelines. sometimes i feel like maybe i'm getting close, other times i feel like there's so much more to do, be, live, breathe. all my friends are getting married. or they are already. and some have abandoned, some have lifted up, some have settled. i don't want to miss a thing. i wanna know the answers.
i wanna break away.
something inside of me just wants to go--and not look back. i'm so tired of looking back.
i wanna go to DC--for how long, i don't know. at least to see my bro again before he moves from there.
i want to see as many live shows as i possibly can--even if it means going alone. cuz really--doing stuff alone is underrated. it's really not as bad as people make it out to be. not that i'm a loner--cuz that's far from the truth. maybe cuz i've done it for so long--i get so independant. which i guess is good.
i want to meet linkin park. real bad.
i eat up music. it's my passion more than anything else and i seem to discover that more and more as time goes on. it literally burns inside me. and where i am and what i'm doing is not enough. i know there's more. i know this isn't the full extent of what lies aside specifically for me.
i'm scared.
the fear of the unknown.
my parents are in serious debt and it seems like people understand, but i don't think they do. you wouldn't know it by looking at us. my parents are so humble about everything that it even becomes less obvious. but i dunno what's gonna happen this spring. it's all a big question mark at the moment. one i can't get around this time.
i want to worship.
and i wanna take people with me. some of them who have no idea.
i want people to understand what i see. what i hear. what i feel. what i sing.
i wanna know the truth.
i wanna be free.

Writing the date for this update freaks me out a bit--the date is an all too familiar memory embedded in my mind forever. But alas, life does indeed go on. Hallelujah.

So this'll be short enough to read within 10 minutes and long enough to satisfy my fan club. (ha.) Anywho, I fooled around with a different layout tonight just because I felt like it. I'm kinda tired of the way it was looking so...enjoy. : )

The past 3 weeks or so have been a complete roller coaster for me--as you would know if I've talked to you in the last 3 weeks. Looking back, I honestly can't believe how much crap has been stirred to the surface. I know it's time for some deep deep healing to occur--I think it's long past due. I also know that the sole purpose of this is because God's getting me ready for something...or some thingS. I dunno what, but there's always a bigger purpose than I'll probably ever realize.

Currently, my dog is lying on her side on my bed behind me with her rear foot up in the air. She's dreaming. Food for thought.

Speaking of dreams, I've got some. And as much as circumstance pulls me down, these dreams have been played over and over to me countless times and through countless confirmations. So I can't let go of them. The repitition I've seen and heard about these dreams are just too many--it's too obvious that God's got some big things that He's formulating. Since before I was born, he was planning a destiny--a birthright--for me that I could never have imagined thinking of on my own. He set aside it just for me. One that would blow my mind.

Some things I've gotten big revelation of lately--
-That I've gotta gain a perspective that I'm part of something much bigger than myself.
-Just because I get focused on my present condition does not determine my birthright tomorrow.
-Seek first the kingdom of God and everything else will be added unto me.
-It's time to stop looking at my present condition because God's gonna take care of it.

I took some of that from one of Judah Smith's teachings. As much as I try to settle into my own comforts, and the fears that own me [because that's all I know]...as familiar as that is, I know on a daily basis I've gotta remember the big picture. And not be afraid. I'm not saying I've got it all together after writing this, cuz I don't. Not even a clue, dude. But each hesistant step I take is better than standing still. If I stood still, I might just die. So I have a feeling that God is pushing me into something new--as He's pushing out the hurts in the process. And you know what's even cooler is that He's got treasures for you as well.

Wanna see?

quick summary of events for all you curious ones...

my trip to DC rocked. it was so nice to get out of here--my first time all year on a real vacation. the only downside was that i was only there for 2.5 days. went by sooo fast, but i love hanging with my bro. when he's here it's different, because his time is divided with everyone else. so within the first 2 hours of being in DC, i bought myself a nice black Yamaha APX and got asked out (which cracks me up). the dude at the guitar store gave me a great deal that i couldn't pass up---and it sounds soooooo good plugged in. i really needed a new acoustic. i never make decisions that fast, but it was then or never again. i've got myself documented on video of my shock after i did it. hehe. the next day, we essentially spent at the Projekt Revolution tour. the show was OFF THE HOOK. oh my dear me. i could touch the front barricade in the pit. (i thought i was gonna die during Korn, though! but i became quite aggressive way at the beginning of the whole show and decided that if i had to take on the whole pit, i could do it.) there's many stories i could say about the concert itself, but let me just say it was the best show i've seen in awhile--fireworks and all, my friend. i know i've said that a lot, but they just keep getting better it seems! and i went all out crazy during LP's whole set--i was a mosh maniac. i survived the pit, hallelujah--and it was by far the craziest pit i've been in. i've got battle wounds to prove i was there, too...which i'm quite proud of. hehe. and i also held onto one 32 oz. bottle of water from the time of 3:30PM to 9:30PM--moshing and all--and it didn't have a cap on it. i'm quite proud of that one too! anyway, i got to see an inside view on John's day-to-day life...more so than i saw last year...and meet some of his friends as well. i got a look inside military police K9 training, too, which was pretty stinkin' sweet. definitely a good trip.

after my nice 2 hour delay in DC, i arrived safely home and crashed completely. i took one day out to chill and catch up with myself (which i don't think happened) and then went to pick Madison up at her house for the weekend. that was quite the personal roller coaster ride, i think! it was a good weekend, though, despite the nagging thought that this was the last for awhile. she played drums for church with us which kicked ass--and i've got it all on film, too. wow, so many freakin' distractions but lots of Holy Spirit. it's funny how much more powerful He comes when chaos is everywhere you turn. people were truly singing and crying out during worship, which will make it or break it everytime--i've seen it enough to know and i will continue to say it. each time you have a corporate worship setting, to the extent people enter into worship will be the extent that the Holy Spirit shows up. it's what corporate worship is all about--true worship in spirit and truth breaks opens the heavens and pries open people's hearts to receive from the Father. it's not about one worship leader getting up and singing their heart out to God and it's not about the congregation just singing the songs. it goes deeper. it needs to go to a place where the church, as a body, is pursuing the Father in worship that mere words cannot express. and that's what happened, and that's why He came in a greater way. that night was the women's prison where the Holy Spirit showed up yet again. i get so fueled up when i go there--ready to see God do some amazing things. it's such a real place...i really love it. and God's teaching us things along the way, which is always good! there is nothing like pouring out all God's given you to a people that have never experienced Him before.

so here i am back at my first week of regular routine. i'm back physically, but my head's still in last week. a few more weeks of this normality, and then changes will occur. i'll go back to teaching full-time and hopefully start my next college class in early education...that is, if it fills up. we've got conferences coming up and i'm a little scared about that for some reasons i think only i truly understand. but in the back of my mind, i know that God sees it and that, to me, is a reassuring feeling. and for now, i will keep hanging on...

oh la to the peeps in the internet universe. it's been awhile, i know. so i figured i'd put out a quick update for all you who have no clue what's been going on in my little life. i'm nice like that. : P

okay. first off, it is now the last month of the summer and i JUST went swimming for the first time 3 days ago. amazing, i tell you. i've been having a good time at the inn, which is amazing. working one night a week mostly. it's been good because i haven't gotten involved too much socially or in any drama. it's actually been refreshing for a change, but i'm still not sure how much longer my inn career will be lasting. if i could just have my own personal gym, i wouldn't hafta worry about using the inn's and i could quit! ha! maybe someday...

in ONE week, i will heading to the airo porto to go see John! i am so psyched. (i need to get my plane fix for the year.) we had so much fun last year, so i know it'll be a blast. one of the days, we get to see Linkin Park on their Projekt Revolution tour. it's my brother's first time seeing them and i've been wanting to go see 'em with John for years. and finally folks, it's happened. w00t. we're also heading to Guitar Center where i will potentially get a new acoustic guitar, cuz the selection here sucks. we will see. but i'm ready for a new acoustic. and then, at the end of next week, Madioso is coming to hang out for our officially unoffical last summer weekend. but we're not calling it that, so that's why it's unofficial.

last night, i got to minister in a women's correctional facility along with another lady from our church. she's essentially started the ministry there, but i kinda felt a leading to go, so i did. i've been in places with similiar people before (like the projects and stuff), but never in an actual prison. it was quite the experience. we did some worship with the guitar, there was a teaching, and then we got to minister. by the end, i was so ready to pray for people. it was burning in me, pretty much. that desire to pray for people hasn't been that strong in awhile. i used to experience it all the time when i was ministering with Bob and even at SoM. i thought i'd lost it, but it came right back. really cool. i know my heart is for evangelism/outreach and to have people experience the Holy Spirit like i have, but i think it's just been dormant for awhile. i'm used to ministering in my church where i know everyone inside out and it was nice to minister to people i didn't know for a change. really refreshing and exciting. it's totally God's heart, even though at first i was afraid it would be really stretching for me. stepping out is what it's all about.

and that's where i'm gonna end for now. the summer's almost over, but like every fall it seems like things change sort of drastically. we've got a lot coming up at our church, not to mention school starting and everything in between. let's hope i can hold on for the ride...again.

Your love colors the dawn
Your voice, the power of thunder
Your hand, the healer of the weak
Your love fills oceans
And your voice calms the seas...
And you created me.
Your eyes are so amazing, so deep
Like crashing waves on a cloudy sea
And these pounding waves, they consume me.
But there�s so much more to You
So much I do not know
So much love I have yet not encountered
So much You overflow
And just when I think I know Your complexities, You step into the light
And just when I think I know Your voice, You open up my ears
It�s like trying to know
every
single
glowing star
on a cloudless night.
But Your depth and Your vastness
Keep me running after You. [Tamara Ruis]



...more to come.

And another month has flown by! This one has been full of things going on. John visited for a quick week towards the end of the month, I bought a brand spankin� new car, and my preschool class graduated! And all of a sudden, I feel thrown into this new summer schedule without warning. New kids, new schedule, new routine�aaaaah. New-ish second job [which presently, I�m wondering if I was crazy to go back to...but I haven�t even started yet. Megan--give it a chance!]

We just got class pictures back, which were done about a month ago, and they all came out sooo good! I was delighted today to find out that I got to keep both of my class photos. I�ve come to realize that this year was really special, because of it being the first year of teaching and all. I knew I�d look back on it and think that, but I guess it hasn�t really sunk in till this week. This week is the first week where I am not teaching my 5 yr olds and most of my other 3 yr old class. So now it�s hit me. God really blessed me with some amazing kids in two amazing classes. I had to do written evaluations a few weeks back on all the kids, and I think my amazement for each child seeped through in my evaluations. God really gave me the words to say and the wisdom in how to write them. I�ve had a few parents come up to me since then saying how much they really appreciated what I had written�and you could really see it in their eyes. It is really cool how God has shown me this year how unique and special each child is. I guess I still have my favorites, but I seriously see something amazing in each child. It kinda makes me wonder how God can look at each of His kids�millions of them�and see something so unique and incredible in each one. I guess I got a glimpse of that this year�from the crazy, untamed �Greek boy� who I thought would never say my name to the 3 year old that growled every day he came into school to the Autistic child with all the drama that followed. [Side note: I find it interesting how 10 months later, �Greek boy� is among my favorite kids ever...never saw that coming!] What a year.

So now I�m at my first week of my summer �break�. We�ll see how much of a break it is. So far, it has only seemed less relaxed, but like anything new, soon it�ll become routine. Getting into that routine is the hard part. The uncomfortable part. In that place, uneasiness and anxiety brew and peace is harder to find. I guess that�s why God purposely pushes us out into that place because He knows it�s a place where we�re not as confident in ourselves. We�ve gotta turn to something higher�something more powerful. In one day, I will begin work waitressing again. I�m not looking at it like just some waitressing job�I look at it as almost going into a battle. From past experiences there, I know I have to go into it with my spiritual armor on or else satan finds some way in. Explaining the situation won�t do it justice, so I�m not gonna try. And all week I�ve been thinking, �Well, I can do this�I�m strong enough�I�ll be just fine�I..I..I..� and pretty much every time I start thinking �I�, something stops me, because I know it�s not whether I can do it on my own strength or not. Cuz there�s no way in hell I can. No way.

Since my little crash, I�m not sure things for me have been the same. I had more fear for a while when I drove, [that�s gotten better] and it seemed like my spiritual vision was just getting cloudier as more things invaded my thoughts. I�m trying to somehow figure out what happened and how to grab it back. I think it�s getting there and maybe I�m not supposed to go back to the place I was�maybe God�s trying to help me reach a deeper level than I was at before the crash. I just don�t know. All I have discovered as of late is that He hasn�t stopped speaking. I�ve just gotta stop so I can hear Him. And when I do, ya know what He whispers? I love you. And that's all I need to know as a child of the Father, because once I hear those words I know everything's gonna be juuuuuuuuust fine.

So here I go again, purposely hurling myself into what is unseen and what is uncomfortable. I know I'm not alone.

There is nothing like the sound of a fan. I love sleeping with a fan blowing in my room during the summer...dunno why, but I do. Is it officially summer yet? Who knows (not me), although it's been quite hot here. I LOVE it. : ) Do ya like my nifty summer picture? They actually sell flipflops like that--one shoe leaves the word "Jesus" in the sand and the other leaves "Loves You". Now you know. I just liked the picture...set the tone for the warm weather, ya know? Yep.

To pick up where I left off last time, the conference over Easter weekend was a blast. A lot of it was a confirmation that where I am and what I'm doing is where God wants me. My worship got launched into deeper places and I just got more revelation about my destiny. Good stuff. All I know is that if I stay in this place of waiting, I will be able to be still and continually hear the Father's voice. Waiting is a fabulous test of our motives, patience, faith...and everything in between. While we wait for God to give us direction in our lives, He tests our hearts to see if we're really walking this road with Him--not our selfish desires to be the coolest rock star ever. [or something like that.] I heard Jason Upton say recently that "Waiting is the greatest act of spiritual warfare." And it blew my mind--I think especially because I've been in this place of waiting for so long, it seems. I got out of his statement that while we wait in God's presence (in any situation), we just stand solid--refusing to move until He comes. Not moving till He gives us His direction. Refusing to go back to that place of complacency. Refusing to go on in our own flesh, but by the Spirit. It is the hardest thing to do--the biggest battle to overcome. The lies come at us like rockets and disbelief is hurled at us at insane speeds. Satan tries to destroy us as we stand there, still in His presence. He shouts in our ears asking us why we aren't moving on--everyone else is. Then, the still small voice comes. The voice that moves mountains with a breath and invades the very deepest of our beings. He whispers, "Be still and know that I am God." And if we stand there on the Rock, unshaken, satan is defeated and we know where God says to Go. And in the process of waiting, we are drawn into deeper intimacy with the Father, knowing Him in ways we've never known before--the one thing satan never wants us to do.

I've been shaken since that prophetic conference a month ago. Two weeks after, I crashed my car. It shook my world and threw my focus off kilter for at least a week. I've started to regain it back--but other distractions have been fired at me since then. It's a constant battle. But in the midst of it, I stand here and worship my King. Because I know that the battle is His and I choose to stand in faith knowing that it's all gonna turn out okay. The worship at church since that conference has been off the Richtah (thank you, Black Eyed Peas), compared to the place I was at before. God has been faithful in every way, and really kept me safe during my nice little crunch accident. He gives and He takes away--and sometimes we don't understand any of it--but I choose to say blessed be the name of the Lord. God will save the day, and all will say my Glorious..

A song that's really impacted me over the last couple days has been "Enough" by Chris Tomlin. With all the trials that I've been going through lately, one part of the song really spoke volumes to me. I can't even put it into words, but it did. Towards the end of the song he sings, "More than all I know, more than all I can see...is more than enough." Lately, with all these distractions, my focus has been shifted and I've started to worry a little more than I was before I crashed my car. It seems like the enemy has almost been taking piles of worry and just laying them on my shoulders--one on top of the other--constantly. It's been getting really heavy. So when I sang this song yesterday, that phrase spoke to me in such a deep way. It's like, I shouldn't be worrying about the future, what's gonna happen to my car, what my summer's gonna turn out like, what's gonna happen in the fall, what's happening to different friendships...etc etc. God is MORE than enough--I don't need anything else. I don't need to try and see what's gonna happen--He's MORE than I can see. More than enough for me. Time to take it and just drink. As Tony Atkinson says, "Drink. Don't think." Good words. : )

It's Sunday. And I'm excited. I wonder what God's gonna do today. And then tomorrow night, my brother comes home for a week. I'm excited about that, too...it's been awhile. Hopefully, I can get a day off somewhere...and as I type this, worry starts to come in. But I choose to believe that God's got it all in His hand. Hope you get something out of what I've said--it's just poured out as I've been typing--and I am just speaking on experience and the revelation God's given me in the process. I pray that He continues to overwhelm you with His presence and awesome revelation. There's nothing like Him. His love reaches you. Amen.

It's SPAH-RING TIME! Hip hip hooray for light weight coats, sandals (well...for the real hard core), mitten-less fingers, budding plants and flowers and...MUD!! Can ya tell I thrive on warmer weather? Yeah...I'm definitely living in the wrong environment for my personal liking, but I embrace it as much as I can because I know there's destiny in this place.

So. What's been going on in the land of all my visitors to my site who never sign my guestbook? I've missed hearing from you and I hope you are well. : ) As for me, I have not updated this thing in a couple months--eek! Slack much? Um..yeah. But that's ok, because it doesn't mean my life has stopped. Nope, nope. It has been going...and going. Lots have been stirred up since the Father heart conference, and it doesn't seem to have stopped. But unlike where I was a month ago, I feel like I've been attempting to embrace more healing than I was at first. It was hard at first, which in turn made it hard to even write about, or think about. It's sometimes hard to face hurtful things in the past...kind of like looking at a really bad open wound. I'm really squeamish with that sort of thing in the physical, so when God takes it to a spiritual level, I just wanna close my eyes and never open them. But I'm getting braver as we go along here and learning lots along the way. There will still be scars, yeah, but I'm learning very recently that the scars are significant. They remind me where I've been and how far I've come. I'm still trying to work out a lot of it, and I'm one of those people that needs to make some sense of it. When I do, I'll let ya know, but it could be awhile!

Next weekend is Easter. And for the second time ever, I am not attending the Fresh Wind youth conference up in Toronto. A couple years ago when I skipped it, I totally regretted it and ended up getting quite beat up spiritually on that Easter weekend. Last year, I didn't plan on going, but about a month ahead of time, I got this HUGE pull of the Spirit to go. Unlike previous years, I knew I was not going because I wanted to see old friends and reunite with my "second home". (Although that rocks!) This time, I was totally desperate. I told God I wanted deep revelation; I wanted to meet with Him. Last year I had said goodbye to my brother, who headed for the Army, and God had stripped away a lot of my securities. I was undecided in whether I was staying on as an individual aid for another year, and frankly, I would come home from work wanting to quit more than not. I didn't know what my future held at all and I was just so tired. So, the Holy Spirit set up the whole freakin' thing and I still can't believe how it all happened. I hooked up with one of my best friends up in Toronto and went. And the literal mind blowing revelation I received last year at Fresh Wind (and even before it started!) was absolutely insane. Some of you may remember me talking about it after I came home.

So this year, I am surprised at myself for not feeling bad that I'm missing the conference. But I realized yesterday, actually, that God poured out so much meat last year that I am still feeding off of it a year later. He really blasted me and shot me into a whole new level of destiny and not settling for second best--as well as a whole bunch of other things. God knows what I need. When we're completely desperate and broken, He pulls through in amazing ways. There's so much more I could write about, but I'll leave it at that for now. It's kinda cool because He knew I wouldn't be going this year, and it turns out we've got this speaker/prophet dude from Australia coming to our church this weekend. He's come once before about 1 1/2 yrs ago and God used him in powerful ways. So I'm interested to see what happens.

I guess my whole point in all of this is that if we continue to ride the wave of the Spirit, allowing Him to take us into more treacherous waves, He'll take care of us. He'll pull us through. He'll teach us to swim and tread that water, even though it may be tiring...even though we may not be able to see the horizon. He is calling us to deeper waters, to a bigger calling in destiny. Something we've not even imagined. Bigger than you could ever dream. Think of the biggest dream you've got and your destiny is bigger than that. There are sacrifices, tests, and lessons along the way, but that is what propels us further into being Christ-like. If we are resting in the Father's love, all the tests and trials aren't as scary as they seem. I'm starting to see the bigger picture in the Kingdom of God, I'm starting to realize the destiny He's set aside for me. I'm starting to find who I am. Do you know who you are? You are born of the Spirit, not of the flesh. You are a chosen son, a chosen daughter of the Most high. The Father is whispering. Do you hear Him?

Faire l'attention. C'est l'update du mois!

So instead of thinking of something nice and fun to say as an introduction to what I'm going to talk about, let's just dive right in, shall we? Okay then. As promised, an update of the Father Heart Conference. So we had James and Denise Jordan from New Zealand and 2 of their best friends stay with us for 8 days. It was instant heart to heart connection as soon as they came in the door, and I knew they were safe. I knew they were gonna be way before they got here--I've been looking forward to this conference for months--but it's always nice to get confirmation! With some speakers that come into our church, I never know where they stand or what they're truly about and it turns into a disaster if nothing else. Over the years I've built up a lot of distrust for people, despite what their label might be: pastor, worship leader, prophet, whatever.

The Tuesday before the conference, the Jordans agreed to head up to a state-wide pastors meeting that meets monthly. We knew it'd be a key in what God's heart was for this state. And from what was reported to me, the place broke loose and Holy Spirit really moved powerfully. From being and ministering in this area for close to half my life now, God's given me a heart to see so much happen here. In a sense, I "know the land", as Higgi so aptly put it! I can't really explain it, but it's the heart of actually all of us in our core body of the church here.

This conference fused our body closer together in ways I've never seen before. Powerful servant's hearts and unity--it was awesome. I got to do worship which was a blast and a growing experience all in one. But that's nothing new--always is. If it went perfectly every time I led, I'd start to think something's wrong. At the same time though, I've gotta learn to chill a bit more and realize that the Father's got it all under control. One night, the place let loose in an amazing wave of freedom. At the end of the service, Denise invited the worship team back up to sing "Forever" by Chris Tomlin and the place exploded. I felt like I was just riding the wave of the Holy Spirit--surfing along and rockin' out at the same time. hehe. As for what God did with me...well, that's still being worked on as we speak. Let's just say God gave me a new revelation of who He is and who I am...and is continuing to do so. In a way, I'm walking out some healing that has needed to be dealt with for some time. I've shut off parts of my heart over the years and He's slowly and gently opening it back up. It seriously feels like heart surgery. I thought I was done with that at the School of Ministry--ha! Yeah right. I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't really ever end, but if we let Him open us up, it gets better and better. Key word: beginning. And it's only because He wants His best for His kids. In the past 4 years since SoM, I've consistently gone back to Toronto once a year a)for a break/refreshing and b)to visit one of my best friends. And at some point, I usually make my way to TACF. And every time I get into that church, my heart begins to melt. The Father's love is so evident there, it's crazy. Last year when I went, immediately when I walked in my eyes teared up...and nothing was going on inside even. When the atmosphere of God's love gets that intense in a place, you know it's real. So to have that presence and revelation come into this state, after so many have pushed it away, was simply amazing to me.

So God is doing amazing things here. This conference wasn't just another meeting thrown together just because some big-name speakers agreed to come. It went much deeper than that, even before the conference started. Our prayer is that it'll continue to go deeper and that the revelation of the Father's love would drop down in this state again in an overwhelming way. Never the same again. I think it's a scary place to go--deeper--but gee whiz, what else is there? Hahahoho holy laughter parties, I guess, or maybe some prophesying here and there. But man, God wants us to have such an intimate relationship with Him--heck, it's what we were created for! Hello?! And after that, every thing else--all the gifts, fulfilled destinies, etc.--fall into place. I know God's got some awesome things lined up down the road, but it all comes down to whether or not we'll listen to the beat of His heart. I'm excited. And then I'm scared. And a bit apprehensive. But I know that all God requires of me is to know that I am His child and to know that He is my Dad, and the rest is history. In the making.

Psalm 63:3

Just a quick little update...

4 more days till the Father Heart Conference. It should be an interesting week with our 4 guest arriving tomorrow (a few days early). Definitely interesting. That's pretty much what's on everyone's mind at the mo'. We're lifting this thing up in prayer a ton and knowing that God is going to come in some very deep and real ways. I'll update more after the week is over. Then hopefully things will slow down a bit. These last couple months have been crazy!

So last night, I talked with a friend of my brother's (and mine, I guess you could say) and found out something pretty sad. A friend of his, that attended my high school, had gone and crashed his car on Thursday night and gotten killed--right next to the house my family and I used to live in. The kid was 18 years old, going 90 mph around a corner where the speed limit is 35 mph and crashed right through a barn. I couldn't put a face to the name of the kid, but I just found a picture in a yearbook and I recognize him now. I don't know why, but I felt a lot of compassion when I heard that he'd gotten killed. My brother's friend was attending the wake this afternoon.

I decided to go see the crash site this afternoon and just returned a little bit ago. It took my breath away to see the huge hole in the red barn that my brother and I used to go visit when we lived next door. It wasn't necessarily the fact that we used to live there, but knowing that someone died there was crazy. There were a few flowers on the side of the road and a broken tree where it was evident the car probably stopped after it had gone through the barn. So I turned around to go back into town and on my way home, I saw this break in the clouds. (It's been cloudy and overcast all day long.) It was really interesting because it was in the western part of town, where the church is and where the funeral home is where the wake was going to be. I hadn't gone out driving to look for any prophetic signs, but I never put it past me. They show up anywhere and everywhere. I stared at the sky for a few more minutes wondering what God was trying to say. This morning during church, my dad had given a message about hearing God's voice and getting past all the white noise and business of our lives. Instead of going straight home, I continued through town and parked just to take it all in for a minute. I found it very ironic that the sunlight shining through the clouds was practically right over the funeral home. So I decided to go past to see if the wake had started yet and then drive on to the church to turn around. I got close to the funeral home and totally hit the timing exactly right--there were a *flood* of people going inside for the wake and a ton of young people. I suddenly got hit with this wave of compassion and the Father's heart and started getting tears in my eyes as I drove by. Ya gotta understand that in my small town, it's really unusual to see so many people in one place like that, unless it's something huge. I bet my whole high school was there. At that point, I knew what God was showing me and went to the church, faced my car towards town in the parking lot, and prayed. It was then I got another wave of compassion and then some intercession. I don't consider myself an "intercessor" but if something's on my heart, the things to pray for just come right at me and I know what to say. I prayed for the wake, I prayed for the people there, for the peace of the Holy Spirit...and the whole time I was praying, I kept seeing that sunlight shining through those clouds. In the midst of the darkness, of the mourning, of the pain, I prayed that God's glory would break through and that He'd turn this tragedy into something for His glory. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes to see that the clouds had gone in again, as I pulled out of the parking lot to head back home. On my way past the funeral home, the words from Fefe Dobson's Revolution Song blared out of my stereo as I prayed one last time. And people were still heading inside as I went by. It was almost like I could feel what those people inside were feeling. I entertained the thought of going inside the funeral home, but felt like I had done what God wanted me to do.

There are many things, many lessons, that I could take out of this to point out and share with you, but I'm gonna leave it as is and know that God would speak to you through it, whatever you need to hear. All I know was that this whole thing was so totally unexpected, but God knew how He could speak and move me. There was something about what my brother's friend said last night to me that just gave me an interest and compassion for this kid, his family, and what had happened. How I know it's even more of God is that I didn't even know the kid and I don't just go out driving looking for prophetic signs or what to pray for. Even though I've got a heart for teenagers, it's felt dormant at times from lack of young people. But--God knew what I had passion for and poured out His heart to me today for them. Unbelievable, I tell you. I guess if we're open, He'll use us. And we don't even have to strive for it...just be open. And just think--if I wasn't there, at that very moment, driving by the wake *right* as it was starting, who would God have to pray and intercede? So many times I wish He'd send me out somewhere else where I could have a million friends and look really good in a big ministry with no hardships. (Ha--if there is such a thing.) But then--who would fight for this town? For these people? For those teenagers? So here I sit, still in awe and amazement of what happened this afternoon. I don't have any conclusions because I know He's not done yet. It's only just the beginning. It's a new year. Peace.