Here in this fine swing state, we get to view most of the feisty television ads from presidential candidates George Bush and John Kerry. With the debate reaching such intensity so early in the race, it seems like 30-second spots won't be able to contain it for long–it's only a matter of time before the candidates start branching out within the medium.
While a caged death-match or a presidential spelling bee would likely please voters, there exists another highly intriguing opportunity for political predication: assuming the position of dethroned domestic diva Martha Stewart.
Bush already adopted Martha's signature phrase last week when he declared "It's a good thing the Iraqi people are now receiving aid, instead of suffering under sanctions." Plainly, the next logical step is "From Dubya's Kitchen":
"Howdy, and welcome! Today we're liberating guests from dull dinner parties. Just follow a few simple steps and, faster than you can serve a stint with the Texas Air National Guard, you'll have a scrumptious meal sure to drop a bunker-buster on the taste buds!
"First off, boil up some pasta. Be a uniter, not a divider–don't be afraid to combine different shapes and colors for a festive, unique touch.
"Then, holy Halliburton, bring on the oil! Olive oil, that is. It's lower in fat, and it's made by Italians, not those freedom-hating Frenchies. Heh. I recommend a pinch of tarragon leaves to spice things up a bit. You've probably got some hiding away in a spider hole in your kitchen.
"While the oil's heatin' up, slice up some fresh vegetables. Make sure your knife is nice and sharp–this baby here could take a gallbladder right out of an attorney general! Hoo boy, get well soon, there, Johnny.
"Once that oil's bubblin' away, get the veggies all on in there to sautée, no chilies left behind, now. And watch for splatters–those little buggers are tougher to dodge than questions from that pesky Sept. 11 panel!
"If you're still searchin' for those tarragon leaves, don't lose faith–I guarantee you they're right around a corner somewhere, just like the economic recovery.
"While that's cookin', let’s make a refreshing dessert. Bring in a little taste of the East–you know, where all the high-tech jobs are goin'–by slicin' up a few Florida oranges. Hey there, cussin' Jeb!
"Then whip up some cream with one of them fancy wire whisks. Now, it's gonna want to separate and such if you leave it out, so launch a pre-emptive attack and refrigerate it on the double.
"Secret your treat away to an undisclosed location, then bring it out for a sweet after-dinner surprise delightful enough to snap a VP's heart right on out of arrhythmia!
"What, you still can't find those tarragon leaves? Well, just remember, they're kinda like WMD–just because you can't find 'em dun't mean they aren't there! Heh.
"Well, there you go. Now, it's fine to make a dining regime change every now and then, but don’t even think about changin' your steady leadership come November–or the channel! Because when we come back to Dubya's kitchen, we’ve got the perfect solution for dealin' with the lowest tehr-rist thugs in the snack world: pretzels! It's a darn good thing."
Holly Noe's column will run each Friday she eludes being labeled an enemy combatant. Write to her at [email protected].