While many of us will spend spring break sleeping, watching bad movies and enjoying markedly unhealthy food and drink, some will be lucky enough to vacation in foreign lands.
Unfortunately, global jet-setting has never been more dangerous. As a service to these privileged voyagers in hopes an alluring one might offer to take me with him, I would like to present a sampling of international travel tips:
When packing, keep in mind your checked airline baggage may be inspected. Few things can sour a trip faster than the unnerving realization that John Ashcroft's underlings have fingered your underthings in the name of national security.
If flying with children and oxygen masks deploy, put yours on first so you will be able to help the wee ones weather the crisis. And really, if things get that dire, save yourself. You can always get another kid.
If the possibility of a mid-air hijacking has you rattled, consider alternate modes of transportation, such as trains. Because those only make news for derailing or spontaneously exploding, what, once a week?
At the car rental counter, forgo the flashy sports car for a more unobtrusive model to deter criminals. You weren't fooling anyone anyway, boys.
Avoid hotel rooms with outdoor entrances, as they are more attractive to burglars. It is a little-known fact that thieves can figure out how to enter your locked room and make off with your valuables undetected, but not if they have to navigate a hallway to do it.
Appearing "too American" can paint you as moneyed and arrogant, which you likely are if you can afford a spring break trip overseas. Toning down your dress and assuming a courteous demeanor will help to head off nationalistic antagonism. So will pausing periodically to burn a George Bush effigy.
Before traveling abroad, especially to high-risk nations, make arrangements in case of emergency. If you don't, your nosy aunt Sue will take your unpreparedness as license to pick through all your stuff unchecked.
Make sure each member of your party has identification and contact information on their person at all times should trouble arise. That way, there will be no confusion on the part of abductors as to where to direct ransom demands or severed appendages.
Though terrorist attacks are by definition unpredictable, you can minimize your chance of becoming a target by bypassing areas where Americans are known to congregate. In general, the bigger, costlier or shinier a venue, the better it would be to avoid–especially if it serves alcohol.
Devise a plan of action should gunfire or explosions sound nearby. The perennial classic of "scream, drop to the ground, cry like a little girl" is usually a fine choice.
Be vigilant, but don't let fear taint what could be an illuminating cultural experience. Learn a few useful phrases in the native tongue, such as "Hello," "This is legal here, right?" and "No, thank you, but I would NOT care to 'sample your local delicacy.'"
As a final note of caution, visitors are vulnerable to all sorts of exotic indigenous pathogens residents have acquired immunity to. Stay healthy by watching what you consume and frequently washing your hands. And for Christ's sake, let the monkeys be.
Holly Noe's column runs each Friday. She is fielding travel invitations at [email protected]. (Will supply own sunblock.)